New here today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 4
New here today
I've been reading here for a while and decided that tonight I would post here.
I have been involved on and off for 5-6 years with a recovering Alcoholic.
He says he loves me, but we fight often and when we do, he goes back to a woman he has also know for about the same amount of time. I know she is in love with him, as am I. He has slept with both of us-depending who he is with at the time.
As of the beginning of December, he has been back in my life, after being with the other woman for the 5 months we did not see each other.
It has been back and forth like this (I am ashamed to say)
I have gone to open AA meetings with him and Alanon meetings with his mother.
His dad, and 1 brother are also alcoholics.
The last time I broke it off with him (this summer) I told him we tried but couldn't make it work, I would always love him and I knew he was a good person. I have now brought him into my life for the umteenth time...
I really think HE is MY addiction.
How do I break this cycle?
PLEASE be gentle, I'm angry at myself as it is.....
I have been involved on and off for 5-6 years with a recovering Alcoholic.
He says he loves me, but we fight often and when we do, he goes back to a woman he has also know for about the same amount of time. I know she is in love with him, as am I. He has slept with both of us-depending who he is with at the time.
As of the beginning of December, he has been back in my life, after being with the other woman for the 5 months we did not see each other.
It has been back and forth like this (I am ashamed to say)
I have gone to open AA meetings with him and Alanon meetings with his mother.
His dad, and 1 brother are also alcoholics.
The last time I broke it off with him (this summer) I told him we tried but couldn't make it work, I would always love him and I knew he was a good person. I have now brought him into my life for the umteenth time...
I really think HE is MY addiction.
How do I break this cycle?
PLEASE be gentle, I'm angry at myself as it is.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Hi Maddyy,
I'm sorry for your pain - that sounds like a horribly hard cycle. I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say you're addicted - it took me a long time to realise that I was every bit as addicted to the cycle of pain and drama with my xabf as he was to alcohol. So well done - you have a head start already and recognising the problem is a huge first step.
Others will be along with more years of experience and better wisdom but in the meantime - what if you really did treat this like an addiction? There are 12-step programs (Al-anon), therapists, in person support groups, online support groups and a wealth of literature that can help you get started.
Like any addict, us codependents need to really hit bottom and really be ready to address our own addiction, our own issues and our own unhappiness. You break the cycle the same way the alcoholic gets sober - it takes a lot of effort and a lot of soul searching. The great news is that you can take it one day at a time. There's literally a whole 12-step program that can help you take it one step at a time - you just need to be in a place where that's less scary than the prospect of more of the same.
The question is whether you're there yet - and nobody can decide that but you.
Hugs,
SL
I'm sorry for your pain - that sounds like a horribly hard cycle. I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say you're addicted - it took me a long time to realise that I was every bit as addicted to the cycle of pain and drama with my xabf as he was to alcohol. So well done - you have a head start already and recognising the problem is a huge first step.
Others will be along with more years of experience and better wisdom but in the meantime - what if you really did treat this like an addiction? There are 12-step programs (Al-anon), therapists, in person support groups, online support groups and a wealth of literature that can help you get started.
Like any addict, us codependents need to really hit bottom and really be ready to address our own addiction, our own issues and our own unhappiness. You break the cycle the same way the alcoholic gets sober - it takes a lot of effort and a lot of soul searching. The great news is that you can take it one day at a time. There's literally a whole 12-step program that can help you take it one step at a time - you just need to be in a place where that's less scary than the prospect of more of the same.
The question is whether you're there yet - and nobody can decide that but you.
Hugs,
SL
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I recommend Melody Beattie's "Codependent no more" , its a great book!
I am sorry you have gone through this.
Welcome to the forum! make yourself at home...
PS
If I were you, I would take a STD/HIV test. Just to be on the safe side...
I am sorry you have gone through this.
Welcome to the forum! make yourself at home...
PS
If I were you, I would take a STD/HIV test. Just to be on the safe side...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 4
Thank you both-I ordered the book and another one by her.
I am an intelligent woman, not rich by any means and am ashamed that I could be so dumb..
He is in his early 50's, lives with his parents, works only 2 days a week, filed bankruptcy, and has no car-drives his parent's car.
What is there to be attracted to? I feel I am the PATHETIC ONE, not him, he's got it made.
I truly need to seek counseling and find out why I let me back into my life over and over again. What is MY character flaw?
Thank you for responding~
I am an intelligent woman, not rich by any means and am ashamed that I could be so dumb..
He is in his early 50's, lives with his parents, works only 2 days a week, filed bankruptcy, and has no car-drives his parent's car.
What is there to be attracted to? I feel I am the PATHETIC ONE, not him, he's got it made.
I truly need to seek counseling and find out why I let me back into my life over and over again. What is MY character flaw?
Thank you for responding~
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Al-anon, therapy (with someone who specializes with addictions), reading etc have all helped me.
I was struggling with codependency before an addict ever entered my life.
When I change my perspective a bit and realize that I had to experience what I did to learn what I needed to learn it helps me a bit.
I finally got into Al-anon after my loved one had an affair. I had known about the drinking for years, why it took me that long I will never know. This journey has helped me with all relationships in my life....and I am grateful for the learning I have experienced.
Welcome though I am sorry for the reason that brought you here.
I was struggling with codependency before an addict ever entered my life.
When I change my perspective a bit and realize that I had to experience what I did to learn what I needed to learn it helps me a bit.
I finally got into Al-anon after my loved one had an affair. I had known about the drinking for years, why it took me that long I will never know. This journey has helped me with all relationships in my life....and I am grateful for the learning I have experienced.
Welcome though I am sorry for the reason that brought you here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Hi Maddy......You are Co Dependant.......Addicted to excitement.
Time to Start Looking after you...You Want Him...but he's a looser.
He has it solved.......Two woman....at his desposil.
I Believe you are an Adult Child of An Alcoholic....or Dysfunctional Family.
You are looking for Love and Fullfillment........that you did not recieve as a Child.
If im wrong I ask you to Forgive me,
but if not dont stay in denial.
Have a look at the Laundry list of ACAs,see if it applies to you.
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
Time to Start Looking after you...You Want Him...but he's a looser.
He has it solved.......Two woman....at his desposil.
I Believe you are an Adult Child of An Alcoholic....or Dysfunctional Family.
You are looking for Love and Fullfillment........that you did not recieve as a Child.
If im wrong I ask you to Forgive me,
but if not dont stay in denial.
Have a look at the Laundry list of ACAs,see if it applies to you.
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I really think HE is MY addiction.
How do I break this cycle?
PLEASE be gentle, I'm angry at myself as it is.....
How do I break this cycle?
PLEASE be gentle, I'm angry at myself as it is.....
I wouldn't want to be hard on you, you are in pain obviously.
Relationships with alcoholics are work, with five or six years in this relationship, and it is not going well, you are becoming aware.
Awareness leads to acceptance, and acceptance leads to action.
Can you accept your relationship the way it is now?
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
" I think he is my addiction."
I truly understand that statement. I remember every high and low that the relationship consisted of. When it was good it was the best high ever, but when things got bad there was not anything that could comfort or console me and the circumstances I allowed myself to be involved in.
I had to sit down and actually make a list. I had to see it in black and white. I had a sheet of paper, listed all the good/bad pros/cons of the relationship. I had to see for myself that the negative outweighed the positive. It was so very difficult to accept, but it was right there in front of me, in black and white, in my handwriting, in my own words.
Only you can decide what is best for you. As one SR says, " I left when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving." Those words have stuck with me for over seven months now.
Whatever you decide know you are not alone. So often we get caught up in somebody else's bullsh*t and we forget that we are worth so very much more.
May you find your answers and some peace in the New Year. take care
I truly understand that statement. I remember every high and low that the relationship consisted of. When it was good it was the best high ever, but when things got bad there was not anything that could comfort or console me and the circumstances I allowed myself to be involved in.
I had to sit down and actually make a list. I had to see it in black and white. I had a sheet of paper, listed all the good/bad pros/cons of the relationship. I had to see for myself that the negative outweighed the positive. It was so very difficult to accept, but it was right there in front of me, in black and white, in my handwriting, in my own words.
Only you can decide what is best for you. As one SR says, " I left when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving." Those words have stuck with me for over seven months now.
Whatever you decide know you are not alone. So often we get caught up in somebody else's bullsh*t and we forget that we are worth so very much more.
May you find your answers and some peace in the New Year. take care
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Maddy ... my heart goes out to you. While I hate cliche's, actions do speak much louder than words. "We fight often and when we do, he goes back to a woman he has also know for about the same amount of time" .... This is the reality of the situation and since we are powerless over other people's behavior, we must be brutally honest. Is this what you want in life? I'm sure you deserve much better treatment than this.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
