Originally Posted by Terminally Unique

I wonder how many drunks, current or former, would have a problem having a relationship with an Al-Anoid.

Originally Posted by MsGrace

We met. He told me he'd been sober 13 years. He was polite, generous, stable (10 year) work history, had savings and money in the bank, thoughtful, funny smart as a whip. My dream man! I took his 13 year stable history as evidence enough that he'd somehow beat the odds of the disease of alcoholism.

Yes, there were some "pink flags" along the way. VERY low tolerance for the slightest hassles of day to day life. Things that a normie would just take in stride easily. VERY thin skinned: very quick to become defensive on the very slightest perception of a criticism. Then 4 years later...all hell breaks loose...off the deep end crazy late night rants, two overdoses and two days spent in the ER, 6 weeks in a mental health rehab "stress disorder". Yeah right! Alcoholism disorder! Now he's got full latitude to say "I have a mental illness, need 12 medications a day...it's why I'm so crazy, and also, I feel better when I'm drinking. Then I discover the direct evidence of alcohol..he'd been drinking for at least months and months. Gave him an ultimatum: find ONGOING path to recovery, or you can't be here. He chose the latter. 5 years what had previously been my deliriously happy married life to a great man...he just drove away, leaving me baffled and heartbroken. Then I have two major surgeries (this is all in the last 3 months) I'm pretty tired, pretty traumatized. BUT with loving friends, Al Anon, a great therapist and a crack divorce attorney...I'm on my way back.

We used to spend Christmas with some friends of ours in another state...who are very wealthy and very generous with their abundance. AH asked to join them again this year. They were conflicted, but said yes. I got a call from them yesterday and the holiday was a complete disaster: he so took advantage of them (let one of THEIR friends drive him to the store for groceries, and let that person PAY for them!) Left their place mess. Took everything for granted. They were absolutely shocked, mortified, furious and sad. So they are done with him. Then they said to me: "we never told you this, but before we met you and he said he wanted to marry you...all he talked about was your beautiful home, and how much money you made...we felt it strange because you'd think he'd talk about your great character or personality or values or SOMEthing personal. We felt he was possibly an opportunist."

Well guess what, he was. He was hinting around the last few weeks before he just drove away that because the commute to his very good job was so stressful...he may not be able to continue it. He was fishing to see if my head would explode if he'd just sit at home and let me support him while he medicated himself. Absolutely!

To connect the dots on this whole story now is almost more than I can bear. YES...my work is to really see the pink and red flags along the way...and should have delayed marriage much longer to learn about the disease. I really do see my part. For now...I'm so very, very, very thankful he bailed out. My life would have been a living, backbreaking hell if he would have stayed. How my perspective has changed! I'm SO thankful he'll soon be legally out of my life and off my title. For any of you who are tempted to have a relationship with ANY kind of recovering anything...please, please do yourself a favor and really learn about the disease. It would have saved me 6 years of time, and a crushed broken sick heart. He was "Mr Perfect"...very very hard to see the pink flags for a few years...but they were there all along. Now to realize that he may have just seen me as an opportunity for a financial support system, not a partner is so frightening. I think it's true. I also think alcoholics want desperately to believe they are capable of having a normal life and marriage. But sadly, they find in MOST cases, they cannot. Buyer beware!!!