FaithfulHusband

I have been married to my wife for 9 years as of yesterday. I love and care about her more than anything. We have a 5 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. I am in the Marine Corps and have been in for almost 11 years. She has had a serious problem with A for about 3 years. She started with out patient, but was drinking almost every other day. She finally had her "bottom". She was driving around drunk and I had to find her and calm her down and bring her back. She WAS going to a meeting. It got to the point were I couldn't trust anything she said.

Her 21 days went well. She said some powerful thing and seemed to be learning a lot. She came home 2 days ago. On our anniversary, she went to her outpatient program and drank on the way home (and drove) I tried to be understanding. We were going to take the kids to Sea World and the Zoo and stay in a hotel later that day. I calmed her down after the episode and we headed out. She said she was going to have an anxiety attack and asked to Lay in the back of our mini Van. She had stashed some more wine back there and was drinking in the back. When I called her out she said that if I loved her I would take her back to rehab. I took her back. All this happened with my kids in the car. When we got there she pounded 1 more mini bottle and passed out on he lawn in front of the rehab center in front of our children. Since admitted she called and said she was sorry (heard that a million times) and said she was admitted to the physc side of rehab. After sobering up, she calls and says she wants me to come get her.

I really don't want to go get her. I don't want to Put the kids through his anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. There are many more episodes that would shock some people that I haven't even mentioned. She's passed out drink and I've came home from work and found my kids naked and wet from an unfinished bath running around the house. Anyhow, when is enough enough? She wants to go to sea world now. Heck, I wanted her to go. But I feel like she should stay in there. I don't know what else to do for it to sink in. There is so much more to this story that I have not even gone in to. Any advice would be great. Thanks for reading.

tiger1

I can't really help, I'm just an ex alcoholic but I feel very sad about what you wrote. I am sure there are plenty of people here that will give good advice.

Alcoholism is a filthy uncaring disease.

I will pray for you and your wife.

tbeit

Anyhow, when is enough enough?

Its enough! You need to worry about your kids and yourself.She needs to worry about her.If you go pick her up now it will happen again probably tonight. Read around here and learn about addiction when you make her problem her problem then she will have to deal with it. If you keep bailing her out and cleaning up her mess then she wont. Sorry you have to deal with this

iliveforyou

I'm sure there will be others that will come along and give some great advice. I am a recovering addict and a mother. Addiction is a powerful, horrible, progressive, devastating, disgusting disease that can and will destroy you.

You can decide right here and now that enough is enough. No matter how much you love and care for her, you must put your children first. She will not find recovery until she wants it for herself 110% and even after that, it is a long hard road ahead. Your story made me sad, I'm sorry you are going thru this. Your children also deserve a stable life. Life with an addict is unpredictable and can be downright dangerous. I speak as an addict who's been struggling for over 10 years now and I speak from the heart and from experience.

There are many people here who are going or who have been thru very similar things. I just wanted to post and make sure this post gets bumped up.

-Jess

djayr

You have great sympathy from me, a loving husband of AW for 17 years. The amount of drama that we deal with, the things we do to go out of our way to accomdate the drinking, the number of family events, vacations, occasions ruined by alcohol. I feel your pain.

Unfortunately accomodating her and helping her to feel comfortable doesn't seem to work, at least it didn't for me. The more I took care of things, the more out of hand things became.

What you are talking about is not a normal life -- it's become normal for you, because you're used to it. Unfortunately, there is no end to the drama and hardship, it gets worse, not better, as long as alcohol is in the picture. Lord have mercy on us all.

The hardest thing is to decide that you are DONE with certain behaviors, certain situations, and then lay it on her. It took me 17 years and I'm still jumping through hoops and walking on eggshells because of AW's active drinking. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hopeworks

It sounds like she may need a long term residential recovery program ... seperation from the drug of choice is sometimes necessary for some people and she certainly cannot be responsible or trusted with those children without a track record and a significant period of time.

You said you still loved her very much and you may consider setting boundaries for yourself and your children. In my case my A and I had a relapse prevention plan written out in which he instructed me in writing to take him to detox and then he would enter a long term program.

I like written contracts myself because the A will twist up what was agreed upon... and of course if they are drinking they don't even know what planet they are on usually.

If she is serious she will agree to whatever it takes... there may be some give and take on what that might be...but a stair stepping agreement between you on relapse planning can help insure that she is always working on the next right thing for her and HER FAMILY.

Only you can figure this out... and I recommend finding a GOOD counselor that is well versed in addiction as well as Alanon.

NYCDoglvr

I'm so sorry you and your children are subjected to an active alcoholic. I agree this is enough and I sense that you understand there's nothing you can do or say that will change your wife. This is a terrible disease and only the alcoholic can decide to stop drinking and stay sober one day at a time. This is a terrific place to get support because so many of us have been in your shoes. I hope the New Year brings positive changes to your life.

m1k3

Semper Fi brother.

As for your wife. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

It is all up to her. She will get recovery only when she is ready and not one second sooner. It doesn't matter what you say or don't say. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do. This is all on her.

Next, you can get help for yourself. I strongly recommend Al-Anon. It gave me the tools to get from a very dark place to being strong, centered and even happy. It works.

I would also recommend talking to the Chaplin to find out what resources are available for you and your family.

I know this goes against what we were both taught in the Corps but there are some battles you just can't win. You can take care of yourself and your kids but wife is going to have to do it on her own.

By the way, the stories you could tell, I'm willing to bet that a lot of us here wouldn't be surprised at all. One of the jokes you hear is that Al-Anon, and these boards as well, is a place where total strangers get together to reminisce. We were all there where you are and that's why were here.

Your friend,

outtolunch

Putting the best interests of those children has to come before anything. Your wife is in no condition to be around children. Do you have alternative child care arrangements in place?

Recovery is 100% an inside job and never ends.

FaithfulHusband

To everyone,
Thank you your kind and insightful responses. I am currently on leave and I have a family member coming to assist with the kids so I can return to work. I am also on the wait list at the CDC (Child Development Center) on base. Your support / advice has been helpful.

I talked to my wife today. I told her how I felt. I told her I do not want her at the house until she feels she can handle it (actually handle it, not just say it). I told her I love her and I am here for her, but she cannot return until she receives serious help. She agreed to my amazement. She seemed serious this time. We shall see. All I know is that I need to focus on the Kids and Myself right now. No more of this Emotional roller coaster for us.

On a brighter note,The kids and I had a blast a Sea World Today! I'm glad I did not give in and go get her so she could fail yet again. I hope she means it this time. Anyhow, Thanks again to everyone. I appreciate your comments greatly!

bless5

Prayers for you and your family. Al-Anon does wonders. The little book "Courage to Change" is daily reading for me and so helpful. Please focus on you and the children.

Bernadette

Anyhow, when is enough enough?

Today!

How great that you took kids and had a great time at Sea World! That's the ticket man! Show them that life, joy, and healthy fun ARE possible - that we have choices in this life - we can choose misery or we can choose joy.

You are the sober parent. They have an alcoholic mother. Those are the facts. So it's up to you to be honest about that with them. Mom has an illness, that illness is called alcoholism, and these are the ways we can help her - with the full understanding that we can't fix her, or change her, or make her illness disappear. It's chronic. From you they could learn that it is possible to love an A but not get caught up in their drama or enable their addiction. And one way you've already done this is by setting boundaries - she cannot come home or be trusted around children until she shows by her actions (not words or promises) that she is capable and sober.

Glad you're here. Someday your kids will also learn that they are not alone and that many many of us grow up in A homes and can overcome that hurdle and have a joyful life!

Peace + Happy New Year!
B

missg

Anyhow, when is enough enough?

I concur with the others here in saying enough is enough when you decide enough is enough. Sounds like you are getting there/are there. Your main responsibility as a parent is to be sure your children are safe. They are not safe with her. Not physically, not emotionally, not mentally.

You are doing the right thing by having someone stable and loving care for them and keeping her out of their lives until and unless she can be that person.You can never give back to a person crucial years of childhood development that are stolen from them. It affects whole lives. I am sure that there are more than a few here that could attest to being just as angry at the parent who did not protect them by getting them away from the alcoholic parent as they are at the alcoholic themselves. I am.

The toughest thing in the world to accept is that our love is meaningless in the face of addiction and that the things one would do with a normal spouse to show love might actually harm an alcoholic. If she can find it in herself to begin to love and respect herself enough to get the help she needs then you can hold her hand and love her as she walks that path but you can't love her into loving herself. I've tried it. It doesn't work.

Most of us would probably believe just about any story you have to tell. Be wary that she accepted the not coming back so fast. That might not be a good sign. The relief of the thought of having someone off your back so you can drink to your heart's content is a feature of many stories in AA. On the other hand I read once that women alcoholics said that they greatest motivator for them getting sober was that they were going to lose their kids if they didn't. So who knows? Plan for the worst, hope for the best always seems like a good way to approach life with an A.

My heart goes out to you all. Reach out for all the help for yourself that you can. I know that can be hard for guys sometimes. Whatever she decides for her life and I pray it will be recovery, those little ones need you. The best lesson you can teach them is that it is OK to ask for help. I think I have decided that most tradgedies occur because people are too afraid or ashamed or whatever to do that in all kinds of situations. In a world full of help people opt to try to go it alone. Needless tragedies and untold pain results. Certainly in my family that has been true. It must be true in War too.

missg

I wanted to add an addition to my earlier post to help maybe put your mind a little at ease about your children.

I am a Nanny so I know a little about kids. One of the children I take care of sometimes is a 4 year old who is being raised by her grandparents,who intervened to take her out of an addiction situation 6 months ago. Muchof her her life was filled with chaosand unpredictabiliy and when they got her she was pretty traumatized, fearful, shy, nontrusting etc. After 6 months in a nurturing,loving,structured environment with predictable routines (she is also seeing a child therapist) she is a happy, fun,affectionate,curious,normal little girl She knows that her Daddy and Mommy are 'sick' and can't be with her (though the nature of this sickness she is too young to be filled in on).

My point is that unless there has been profound abuse/neglect most kids are pretty adaptable and respond really well to new situations where they are being cared about and for properly, have routines, don't have to worry about stuff, feel safe and can just be kids. As a psychologist said to me recently "it takes a surprizingly little amount of time for a caring adult to have a huge affect on the life of a child". Ideally they would be with their Mom,but until that can happen I'm betting you will see a big difference in your children once they spend some time in a more stable environment.

langkah

So many aspects of alcoholism are confusing to everyone involved, including your wife. We definitely qualify for the psych wards when drunk or coming hard off the booze, but in a couple of days we don't belong at all, and can be reasonable and take responsibility and make amazingly convincing promises that even we wholeheartedly believe.

We very quickly look like someone who's going to do just fine this time unlike all those other times, but almost invariably we don't despite our good intentions and all the sound reasons for us to do right.

Having young children complicates things when you're left not only doing it all for them but also dealing with a destructive and unpredictible force which can without warning greatly harm them, a force which you continually invite to be near them, increasing your guilt.

There's a tiny chance she'll get and stay sober long enough for them to grow up, but the almost sure chance is she will go further downhill. If you stay with her then these times, as awful as they are will become the good old days you will pine for, because the current times then will be unimaginably worse than now.

The other problem with your continually propping her up is that down the road when your children have emotional trouble from living with an alcoholic, you'll bear the guilt for their being twisted in ways that will forever be painful to you, knowing you didn't protect them as you should have when you could have.

I'm sorry you have this in your life to deal with, it's a horrible thing that you don't in the least deserve, and certainly the children are the saddest part of it all.

Best to you and your family.

FaithfulHusband

Thank you for you insight. I'm am just trying to learn as much as I can about A. I Love my wife and want it to work. I'm just trying to understand her side of it as best I can. I want to know if there is anything that I am doing to make it worse even though I'm trying in my mind to make it better. As a guy and a Marine I've been taking the problem solving approach. I have realized that this isn't the best way to handle it.

She has also had the Gastric Bypass Surgery. This changed her food addiction to an alcohol addiction. She's only been drinking for 3 years. before that it was all just occasional social drinking. She takes medications for depression and anxiety. So when she drinks, it's not good. The doctor compared it to using heroin because of the chemical reaction it makes with the Medication. She just has a hard time with self-esteem and self-worth. I believe it goes back to something deep in her childhood that she hasn't figured out. But, I am by no means a doctor or therapist.

Thank you all again very much. This site and the people on it or a blessing!