New here.... and I have feelings for an RA
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 8
New here.... and I have feelings for an RA
I have known "E" for about a year and a half. I liked her right from the beginning but never expressed it because their is an age difference and I assumed that that would be a deal breaker for her (she is older and more successful) . She is funny, smart and understands some parts of my personality that most don't. She is open about her addiction ( multiple substances) and recovery and always has been. The conversations about her past have always been along the lines of the damage she did while using. We never really discussed what its like to be in recovery until recently. She recently confessed to me that she has had feelings for me since we met as well but, pulled away because she needed to examine her motives. She says that she needed to make sure the draw to me wasn't the "addict talking".
She confessed her feelings to me because they haven't gone away and because she is ending a relationship that should have ended long ago. The relationship has endured, partly because she has never been alone and sober and is nervous about not having to be accountable to another. She has been sober somewhere between 3-4 years. I have voiced to her that I will not enter a relationship with her if the aim is to find someone that will police her sobriety. Her ex has kept her on a short leash for so long she doesn't know how to not be on one. We agreed that we need to take this slowly and make sure that we both want it for the right reasons.
Today we had lunch, and for the first time we talked about her addiction and what dating an addict is like. She asked me, " If at 3 am, I called you drunk and ask for a ride home. What do you do? " I stated that I'd come pick her up. She was floored, and stated that if ever she used that I am to walk away and never look back. She says she has huge concerns with my ability to protect myself from her addict thinking. She says, that if we do get closer I need to do my research and go to Al-anon. Part of me feels that her ex has made her pay for her addiction to the point that she feels evil and beyond being lovable. She did some screwed up things when she used, yes, but at what point do you say ok, different time different place?
I agree that I should learn more about addiction/recovery before proceeding. I am really curious to know how much of this " I am dark and scary, and ruin everything I touch" talk is common for a RA and how much of it is just her being verbally abused in her past. Its as if she feels she is pure evil.
So, my new friends any insight to dating/friendship with an RA would be appreciated. I am someone who was abused in the past and this woman is the first person I have been able to let in since, we are both scared and I want to do this right, even if its only meant to be as a friend.
She confessed her feelings to me because they haven't gone away and because she is ending a relationship that should have ended long ago. The relationship has endured, partly because she has never been alone and sober and is nervous about not having to be accountable to another. She has been sober somewhere between 3-4 years. I have voiced to her that I will not enter a relationship with her if the aim is to find someone that will police her sobriety. Her ex has kept her on a short leash for so long she doesn't know how to not be on one. We agreed that we need to take this slowly and make sure that we both want it for the right reasons.
Today we had lunch, and for the first time we talked about her addiction and what dating an addict is like. She asked me, " If at 3 am, I called you drunk and ask for a ride home. What do you do? " I stated that I'd come pick her up. She was floored, and stated that if ever she used that I am to walk away and never look back. She says she has huge concerns with my ability to protect myself from her addict thinking. She says, that if we do get closer I need to do my research and go to Al-anon. Part of me feels that her ex has made her pay for her addiction to the point that she feels evil and beyond being lovable. She did some screwed up things when she used, yes, but at what point do you say ok, different time different place?
I agree that I should learn more about addiction/recovery before proceeding. I am really curious to know how much of this " I am dark and scary, and ruin everything I touch" talk is common for a RA and how much of it is just her being verbally abused in her past. Its as if she feels she is pure evil.
So, my new friends any insight to dating/friendship with an RA would be appreciated. I am someone who was abused in the past and this woman is the first person I have been able to let in since, we are both scared and I want to do this right, even if its only meant to be as a friend.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
wow, that's a lot to take in. How long has she been in recovery? If it's early in recovery, I would tread especially carefully.
After having been in a relationship with an alcoholic, I would never knowingly enter another one, recovered, recovering, or not. That being said, I know a few recovering alcoholics that have been sober for years-one would never know that they ever even drank!
I do give her props for being open and upfront with you though....
I guess I would say just be careful. It's very easy to get sucked into the madness-and not even realize it until you are so far in that it's very difficult to find your way out.
M
After having been in a relationship with an alcoholic, I would never knowingly enter another one, recovered, recovering, or not. That being said, I know a few recovering alcoholics that have been sober for years-one would never know that they ever even drank!
I do give her props for being open and upfront with you though....
I guess I would say just be careful. It's very easy to get sucked into the madness-and not even realize it until you are so far in that it's very difficult to find your way out.
M
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'd like to speak as a long-term recovering addict who for many years continued to stay in relationships because I was terrified to be alone.
I came with a whole lot of ugly baggage in each of those relationships.
It took hitting a bottom in my own codependency before I really started making progress in my recovery, and learned how to be by myself.
Till then, I wreaked havoc in every relationship I had.
I came with a whole lot of ugly baggage in each of those relationships.
It took hitting a bottom in my own codependency before I really started making progress in my recovery, and learned how to be by myself.
Till then, I wreaked havoc in every relationship I had.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Having a secret attraction for someone is very alluring to the brain ... we convey these things subconsciously with body language and expression... heady stuff being attracted to someone else and then finding out they are also attracted to us!!!!
I am sure you feeling a little out breath... beating hearbeat... that rush of adrenalin and hormones when you see her smile at you!
Ahhhhh... the courtship dance... the romance... the daydreams and naughty thoughts... what tangled webs we weave that we sometimes do regret!
So... now for the ESH ... we are going to rip the veneer off all those "feelings" that nothing but chemicals rushing around in your brain and your other brain!
Glad to hear she is being so upfront ... that may be a setup... since there may be hell to pay down the road and she will tell you she read the warning on the label to you on day one!
"Recovery" can be a buzz word and means lots of different things to different people. Some people think relapses are part of recovery and they do it real often!
What is her recovery date... EXACTLY... the last date she took a drug or a drink???
What does her recovery look like? What does she "do" to grow spiritually, emotionally and every other which way to insure she never drinks or drugs again?
What would sharing a life or even a date look like? Would she be willing to just be friends (including physically) for a year? NO living together or emeshing of lives?
If you embark on this adventure of thrills and chills I strongly recommend Alanon... for some reason it just doesn't sound right to me... but we are all pretty pessimistic around here!
Keep us posted as I am sure there is nothing we could say that can stop this freight train... lol.
I have been there and know how that going over the waterfall feels!
I am sure you feeling a little out breath... beating hearbeat... that rush of adrenalin and hormones when you see her smile at you!
Ahhhhh... the courtship dance... the romance... the daydreams and naughty thoughts... what tangled webs we weave that we sometimes do regret!
So... now for the ESH ... we are going to rip the veneer off all those "feelings" that nothing but chemicals rushing around in your brain and your other brain!
Glad to hear she is being so upfront ... that may be a setup... since there may be hell to pay down the road and she will tell you she read the warning on the label to you on day one!
"Recovery" can be a buzz word and means lots of different things to different people. Some people think relapses are part of recovery and they do it real often!
What is her recovery date... EXACTLY... the last date she took a drug or a drink???
What does her recovery look like? What does she "do" to grow spiritually, emotionally and every other which way to insure she never drinks or drugs again?
What would sharing a life or even a date look like? Would she be willing to just be friends (including physically) for a year? NO living together or emeshing of lives?
If you embark on this adventure of thrills and chills I strongly recommend Alanon... for some reason it just doesn't sound right to me... but we are all pretty pessimistic around here!
Keep us posted as I am sure there is nothing we could say that can stop this freight train... lol.
I have been there and know how that going over the waterfall feels!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Well, I have had valuable friendships with RAs, particularly a college mentor, whose care and wisdom contributed to the person I am now. I have a current friend in recovery... I don't know how her recovery is proceeding... but I appreciate her wisdom and sense of humor. There are about 4 people in the world who get my jokes, and she's one of them. I feel so good when I read her responses to me on Facebook. Someone understands me! Her substance issues don't negate that.
The last time I saw her drinking I felt bad for her. I didn't feel inclined to interfere. But, I realized that I liked her no less for it. I know her struggles are real and I'm not qualified to judge her.
And I find myself attracted to someone whom I think is an alcoholic. He's gentle, generous and kind, and has been a good friend to me in an understated way for several years. I don't think of him as a romantic fixer-upper. I don't think I could run his life better than he does. I'm sorry about whatever hole is in his heart that he's pouring high quality wine into, but I can't patch it up. Still, he's amazing and he inspires me, exactly as he is. I don't think it's a symptom of my problems that he makes my heart go pitty pat. I don't have to act on my feelings, they just are what they are. Doing something about them would be a choice.
What lets me really care about both these people and not be hurt by their problems is: I know exactly where they end and I begin. If I get close in to them in a way that causes me pain, it is MY job to protect myself, and not my job to make them be something they're not. That way, I don't have any anger or resentment to erode my affection and respect, and I don't get sucked into addict thinking, or codependent thinking either (I learned all this by doing just the opposite with my aexh, by the way).
I think that's kind of what E was getting at, about not bailing her out. If either of these friends called me for the same reason, I'd come get them. Once. After that I'd quote the number of a local taxi company and go back to sleep. I wouldn't need to do anything as dramatic as turning my back on them.
Oh, and that "I'm evil I'm horrible I ruin everything" self loathing thing? My aexh used to do that (and honestly, so have I, from depression). I used to wring my hands and get mad because he had no appreciation for our life together. Now I'd either be neutrally sympathetic, or tell him to put a sock in it, or dial his sponsor and hand him the phone, or ask him to say hello to Judas Iscariot for me, or whatever. But what I would NOT do is try to convince him that he's a good person. He has to do that for himself... or not. All I could have done was to treat him like he had value and hope it rubbed off.
The last time I saw her drinking I felt bad for her. I didn't feel inclined to interfere. But, I realized that I liked her no less for it. I know her struggles are real and I'm not qualified to judge her.
And I find myself attracted to someone whom I think is an alcoholic. He's gentle, generous and kind, and has been a good friend to me in an understated way for several years. I don't think of him as a romantic fixer-upper. I don't think I could run his life better than he does. I'm sorry about whatever hole is in his heart that he's pouring high quality wine into, but I can't patch it up. Still, he's amazing and he inspires me, exactly as he is. I don't think it's a symptom of my problems that he makes my heart go pitty pat. I don't have to act on my feelings, they just are what they are. Doing something about them would be a choice.
What lets me really care about both these people and not be hurt by their problems is: I know exactly where they end and I begin. If I get close in to them in a way that causes me pain, it is MY job to protect myself, and not my job to make them be something they're not. That way, I don't have any anger or resentment to erode my affection and respect, and I don't get sucked into addict thinking, or codependent thinking either (I learned all this by doing just the opposite with my aexh, by the way).
I think that's kind of what E was getting at, about not bailing her out. If either of these friends called me for the same reason, I'd come get them. Once. After that I'd quote the number of a local taxi company and go back to sleep. I wouldn't need to do anything as dramatic as turning my back on them.
Oh, and that "I'm evil I'm horrible I ruin everything" self loathing thing? My aexh used to do that (and honestly, so have I, from depression). I used to wring my hands and get mad because he had no appreciation for our life together. Now I'd either be neutrally sympathetic, or tell him to put a sock in it, or dial his sponsor and hand him the phone, or ask him to say hello to Judas Iscariot for me, or whatever. But what I would NOT do is try to convince him that he's a good person. He has to do that for himself... or not. All I could have done was to treat him like he had value and hope it rubbed off.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 8
I will answer each question in a different color.
Originally Posted by Hopeworks 
Having a secret attraction for someone is very alluring to the brain ... we convey these things subconsciously with body language and expression... heady stuff being attracted to someone else and then finding out they are also attracted to us!!!!
I am sure you feeling a little out breath... beating hearbeat... that rush of adrenalin and hormones when you see her smile at you!
actually no I am not, I am happy to see her on the rare occasion that I do but not sick with hormones. That's actually part of the draw because I tend to do that. For the most part this feels calm and relaxed and that's a first for me....
Ahhhhh... the courtship dance... the romance... the daydreams and naughty thoughts... what tangled webs we weave that we sometimes do regret!
So... now for the ESH ... we are going to rip the veneer off all those "feelings" that nothing but chemicals rushing around in your brain and your other brain!
ESH? sorry could you elaborate new to the lingo here. I should mention that I am female as well. And that this has never been physical between us. In fact, in all the time I've known her we've only even hugged once, I had crashed my car and she came to my accident scene because I lost my mind haha
Glad to hear she is being so upfront ... that may be a setup... since there may be hell to pay down the road and she will tell you she read the warning on the label to you on day one!she has said exactly that.. what exactly is the point of this? She does claim that there will be hell to pay BUT, shes never started an entire relationship sober either. Her most recent relationship has made her pay over and over for the things she did back then, of course she feels like she can do no right. This I warned you thing really does freak me out though.
"Recovery" can be a buzz word and means lots of different things to different people. Some people think relapses are part of recovery and they do it real often!
What is her recovery date... EXACTLY... the last date she took a drug or a drink??? The exact date I can't remember. I do remember the first time she told me about being an RA she told me when it was. Over two years at that time, add on the time I've known her and you've got 3.5-4 years without relapse.
What does her recovery look like? What does she "do" to grow spiritually, emotionally and every other which way to insure she never drinks or drugs again?This is something I am concerned about,her work and children seem to be it. Her supports seem minimal. She does go to meetings but, I don't know how often. She is however a great parent and at her job.
What would sharing a life or even a date look like? Would she be willing to just be friends (including physically) for a year? NO living together or emeshing of lives?This is something we haven't discussed, neither of us do sex without commitment though. Living together just isn't an option for ME in the near future. I think she knows that. There are alot of discussions to be had yet... its way early for that. As far as spending time together we have a great time, it isn't all about her issues or mine. I did tell her that if we decide not to date that, I want her as a closer friend.
If you embark on this adventure of thrills and chills I strongly recommend Alanon... for some reason it just doesn't sound right to me... but we are all pretty pessimistic around here! Planning on Alanon next Thursday (small community, soonest one within 30 miles). Your right, that some of it seems screwy. She is under tremendous stress at the moment, and never meant to ever open this up but now that it has been we are both trying to navigate it. It started with a convo about how closed off I am (My observation, not her accusation) and she just kinda blurted that she has no idea how I could spend a year and a half not realizing she was attracted to me.
Keep us posted as I am sure there is nothing we could say that can stop this freight train... lol. I will!! I have dated an addict not in recovery when I was young and I do know enough to recognize when to run and I don't see me having trouble doing it a second time. I have grown as a person tremendously since then and have great boundaries with my Axgf, so I am optimistic that I can take care of myself.
I have been there and know how that going over the waterfall feels!
I am sure you feeling a little out breath... beating hearbeat... that rush of adrenalin and hormones when you see her smile at you!
actually no I am not, I am happy to see her on the rare occasion that I do but not sick with hormones. That's actually part of the draw because I tend to do that. For the most part this feels calm and relaxed and that's a first for me....
Ahhhhh... the courtship dance... the romance... the daydreams and naughty thoughts... what tangled webs we weave that we sometimes do regret!
So... now for the ESH ... we are going to rip the veneer off all those "feelings" that nothing but chemicals rushing around in your brain and your other brain!
ESH? sorry could you elaborate new to the lingo here. I should mention that I am female as well. And that this has never been physical between us. In fact, in all the time I've known her we've only even hugged once, I had crashed my car and she came to my accident scene because I lost my mind haha
Glad to hear she is being so upfront ... that may be a setup... since there may be hell to pay down the road and she will tell you she read the warning on the label to you on day one!she has said exactly that.. what exactly is the point of this? She does claim that there will be hell to pay BUT, shes never started an entire relationship sober either. Her most recent relationship has made her pay over and over for the things she did back then, of course she feels like she can do no right. This I warned you thing really does freak me out though.
"Recovery" can be a buzz word and means lots of different things to different people. Some people think relapses are part of recovery and they do it real often!
What is her recovery date... EXACTLY... the last date she took a drug or a drink??? The exact date I can't remember. I do remember the first time she told me about being an RA she told me when it was. Over two years at that time, add on the time I've known her and you've got 3.5-4 years without relapse.
What does her recovery look like? What does she "do" to grow spiritually, emotionally and every other which way to insure she never drinks or drugs again?This is something I am concerned about,her work and children seem to be it. Her supports seem minimal. She does go to meetings but, I don't know how often. She is however a great parent and at her job.
What would sharing a life or even a date look like? Would she be willing to just be friends (including physically) for a year? NO living together or emeshing of lives?This is something we haven't discussed, neither of us do sex without commitment though. Living together just isn't an option for ME in the near future. I think she knows that. There are alot of discussions to be had yet... its way early for that. As far as spending time together we have a great time, it isn't all about her issues or mine. I did tell her that if we decide not to date that, I want her as a closer friend.
If you embark on this adventure of thrills and chills I strongly recommend Alanon... for some reason it just doesn't sound right to me... but we are all pretty pessimistic around here! Planning on Alanon next Thursday (small community, soonest one within 30 miles). Your right, that some of it seems screwy. She is under tremendous stress at the moment, and never meant to ever open this up but now that it has been we are both trying to navigate it. It started with a convo about how closed off I am (My observation, not her accusation) and she just kinda blurted that she has no idea how I could spend a year and a half not realizing she was attracted to me.
Keep us posted as I am sure there is nothing we could say that can stop this freight train... lol. I will!! I have dated an addict not in recovery when I was young and I do know enough to recognize when to run and I don't see me having trouble doing it a second time. I have grown as a person tremendously since then and have great boundaries with my Axgf, so I am optimistic that I can take care of myself.
I have been there and know how that going over the waterfall feels!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 8
I will answer each question in bold
Originally Posted by Hopeworks
Having a secret attraction for someone is very alluring to the brain ... we convey these things subconsciously with body language and expression... heady stuff being attracted to someone else and then finding out they are also attracted to us!!!!
I am sure you feeling a little out breath... beating hearbeat... that rush of adrenalin and hormones when you see her smile at you!
actually no I am not, I am happy to see her on the rare occasion that I do but not sick with hormones. That's actually part of the draw because I tend to do that. For the most part this feels calm and relaxed and that's a first for me....
Ahhhhh... the courtship dance... the romance... the daydreams and naughty thoughts... what tangled webs we weave that we sometimes do regret!
So... now for the ESH ... we are going to rip the veneer off all those "feelings" that nothing but chemicals rushing around in your brain and your other brain!
ESH? sorry could you elaborate new to the lingo here. I should mention that I am female as well. And that this has never been physical between us. In fact, in all the time I've known her we've only even hugged once, I had crashed my car and she came to my accident scene because I lost my mind haha
Glad to hear she is being so upfront ... that may be a setup... since there may be hell to pay down the road and she will tell you she read the warning on the label to you on day one! she has said exactly that.. what exactly is the point of this? She does claim that there will be hell to pay BUT, shes never started an entire relationship sober either. Her most recent relationship has made her pay over and over for the things she did back then, of course she feels like she can do no right. This I warned you thing really does freak me out though.
"Recovery" can be a buzz word and means lots of different things to different people. Some people think relapses are part of recovery and they do it real often!
What is her recovery date... EXACTLY... the last date she took a drug or a drink??? The exact date I can't remember. I do remember the first time she told me about being an RA she told me when it was. Over two years at that time, add on the time I've known her and you've got 3.5-4 years without relapse.
What does her recovery look like? What does she "do" to grow spiritually, emotionally and every other which way to insure she never drinks or drugs again This is something I am concerned about,her work and children seem to be it. Her supports seem minimal. She does go to meetings but, I don't know how often. She is however a great parent and at her job.
What would sharing a life or even a date look like? Would she be willing to just be friends (including physically) for a year? NO living together or emeshing of lives? This is something we haven't discussed, neither of us do sex without commitment though. Living together just isn't an option for ME in the near future. I think she knows that. There are alot of discussions to be had yet... its way early for that. As far as spending time together we have a great time, it isn't all about her issues or mine. I did tell her that if we decide not to date that, I want her as a closer friend.
If you embark on this adventure of thrills and chills I strongly recommend Alanon... for some reason it just doesn't sound right to me... but we are all pretty pessimistic around here! Planning on Alanon next Thursday (small community, soonest one within 30 miles). Your right, that some of it seems screwy. She is under tremendous stress at the moment, and never meant to ever open this up but now that it has been we are both trying to navigate it. It started with a convo about how closed off I am (My observation, not her accusation) and she just kinda blurted that she has no idea how I could spend a year and a half not realizing she was attracted to me.
Keep us posted as I am sure there is nothing we could say that can stop this freight train... lol. I will!! I have dated an addict not in recovery when I was young and I do know enough to recognize when to run and I don't see me having trouble doing it a second time. I have grown as a person tremendously since then and have great boundaries with my Axgf, so I am optimistic that I can take care of myself.
I have been there and know how that going over the waterfall feels!
I am sure you feeling a little out breath... beating hearbeat... that rush of adrenalin and hormones when you see her smile at you!
actually no I am not, I am happy to see her on the rare occasion that I do but not sick with hormones. That's actually part of the draw because I tend to do that. For the most part this feels calm and relaxed and that's a first for me....
Ahhhhh... the courtship dance... the romance... the daydreams and naughty thoughts... what tangled webs we weave that we sometimes do regret!
So... now for the ESH ... we are going to rip the veneer off all those "feelings" that nothing but chemicals rushing around in your brain and your other brain!
ESH? sorry could you elaborate new to the lingo here. I should mention that I am female as well. And that this has never been physical between us. In fact, in all the time I've known her we've only even hugged once, I had crashed my car and she came to my accident scene because I lost my mind haha
Glad to hear she is being so upfront ... that may be a setup... since there may be hell to pay down the road and she will tell you she read the warning on the label to you on day one! she has said exactly that.. what exactly is the point of this? She does claim that there will be hell to pay BUT, shes never started an entire relationship sober either. Her most recent relationship has made her pay over and over for the things she did back then, of course she feels like she can do no right. This I warned you thing really does freak me out though.
"Recovery" can be a buzz word and means lots of different things to different people. Some people think relapses are part of recovery and they do it real often!
What is her recovery date... EXACTLY... the last date she took a drug or a drink??? The exact date I can't remember. I do remember the first time she told me about being an RA she told me when it was. Over two years at that time, add on the time I've known her and you've got 3.5-4 years without relapse.
What does her recovery look like? What does she "do" to grow spiritually, emotionally and every other which way to insure she never drinks or drugs again This is something I am concerned about,her work and children seem to be it. Her supports seem minimal. She does go to meetings but, I don't know how often. She is however a great parent and at her job.
What would sharing a life or even a date look like? Would she be willing to just be friends (including physically) for a year? NO living together or emeshing of lives? This is something we haven't discussed, neither of us do sex without commitment though. Living together just isn't an option for ME in the near future. I think she knows that. There are alot of discussions to be had yet... its way early for that. As far as spending time together we have a great time, it isn't all about her issues or mine. I did tell her that if we decide not to date that, I want her as a closer friend.
If you embark on this adventure of thrills and chills I strongly recommend Alanon... for some reason it just doesn't sound right to me... but we are all pretty pessimistic around here! Planning on Alanon next Thursday (small community, soonest one within 30 miles). Your right, that some of it seems screwy. She is under tremendous stress at the moment, and never meant to ever open this up but now that it has been we are both trying to navigate it. It started with a convo about how closed off I am (My observation, not her accusation) and she just kinda blurted that she has no idea how I could spend a year and a half not realizing she was attracted to me.
Keep us posted as I am sure there is nothing we could say that can stop this freight train... lol. I will!! I have dated an addict not in recovery when I was young and I do know enough to recognize when to run and I don't see me having trouble doing it a second time. I have grown as a person tremendously since then and have great boundaries with my Axgf, so I am optimistic that I can take care of myself.
I have been there and know how that going over the waterfall feels!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by choublak
Do you and her spend most of your time together talking about her addiction and recovery?
Originally Posted by BuffaloGal
What lets me really care about both these people and not be hurt by their problems is: I know exactly where they end and I begin. If I get close in to them in a way that causes me pain, it is MY job to protect myself, and not my job to make them be something they're not. That way, I don't have any anger or resentment to erode my affection and respect, and I don't get sucked into addict thinking, or codependent thinking either (I learned all this by doing just the opposite with my aexh, by the way). That's what I'm good at. I will admit slight codependence in my life but, I am way better about it than I was in my younger years, it is usually only in thought and I stop myself before acting on it.
I think that's kind of what E was getting at, about not bailing her out. If either of these friends called me for the same reason, I'd come get them. Once. After that I'd quote the number of a local taxi company and go back to sleep. I wouldn't need to do anything as dramatic as turning my back on them. See, that what I was driving at when I said I'd come get her. She thinks that if she relapsed that she shouldn't be allowed to be in anyone's life anymore. I'm thinking I'd pick you up, make you breakfast in the am and drop you off at your car with the instruction to go to a meeting or check yourself in. At this point, I don't see her relapsing in the near future, if ever. It really was a test of my knowledge of protection of self.
Oh, and that "I'm evil I'm horrible I ruin everything" self loathing thing? My aexh used to do that (and honestly, so have I, from depression). I used to wring my hands and get mad because he had no appreciation for our life together. Now I'd either be neutrally sympathetic, or tell him to put a sock in it, or dial his sponsor and hand him the phone, or ask him to say hello to Judas Iscariot for me, or whatever. But what I would NOT do is try to convince him that he's a good person. He has to do that for himself... or not. All I could have done was to treat him like he had value and hope it rubbed off.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi!
I agree with anvilhead, let her be single and alone and "behave" because that is who she wants to be, not because there is someone else checking her. That is real recovery from any addiction/codependency, when you are so fed up with your own patterns and self destruction so that you will do ANYTHING to start changing and keep at it, often this involves a lot of alone time and introspection, something that is more difficult to do when you have a romantic interest and can distract yourself very easily and keep on with your games, BS and denial... until all comes crushing down again and history repeats itself
My humble question is why the rush.. who is the one rushing things here.. why canīt you just be friends...? I am sorry you were abused before, (I can relate as I have been, too) and the person you describe seems like an abuse story waiting to happen (even neglect can be abuse, addicts can be selfish while active and also as dry drunks, real change goes way deeper than being abstinent).
My 2 cents from where I sit.
Glad you are in SR, this is a great community!
I agree with anvilhead, let her be single and alone and "behave" because that is who she wants to be, not because there is someone else checking her. That is real recovery from any addiction/codependency, when you are so fed up with your own patterns and self destruction so that you will do ANYTHING to start changing and keep at it, often this involves a lot of alone time and introspection, something that is more difficult to do when you have a romantic interest and can distract yourself very easily and keep on with your games, BS and denial... until all comes crushing down again and history repeats itself
My humble question is why the rush.. who is the one rushing things here.. why canīt you just be friends...? I am sorry you were abused before, (I can relate as I have been, too) and the person you describe seems like an abuse story waiting to happen (even neglect can be abuse, addicts can be selfish while active and also as dry drunks, real change goes way deeper than being abstinent).
My 2 cents from where I sit.
Glad you are in SR, this is a great community!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 8
Answers in bold
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
Hi!
I agree with anvilhead, let her be single and alone and "behave" because that is who she wants to be, not because there is someone else checking her. That is real recovery from any addiction/codependency, when you are so fed up with your own patterns and self destruction so that you will do ANYTHING to start changing and keep at it, often this involves a lot of alone time and introspection, something that is more difficult to do when you have a romantic interest and can distract yourself very easily and keep on with your games, BS and denial... until all comes crushing down again and history repeats itself
I think she will behave because she wants too. She doesn't know what it will be like to be alone and sober, some fear has to come with that. Just like I fear dating entirely from being beaten. We are both navigating things. She never said she doesn't feel she CAN do it alone, she's frightened.
My humble question is why the rush.. who is the one rushing things here.. why canīt you just be friends...? I am sorry you were abused before, (I can relate as I have been, too) and the person you describe seems like an abuse story waiting to happen (even neglect can be abuse, addicts can be selfish while active and also as dry drunks, real change goes way deeper than being abstinent). There's no rush. We aren't jumping into anything. She just requested that I learn. Neither of us are going anywhere. Friends is fine with me if that's all it ends up being, but it feels different. As far as the abuse part goes, it won't happen again, since then I have learned great boundaries.
My 2 cents from where I sit.
Glad you are in SR, this is a great community!
I agree with anvilhead, let her be single and alone and "behave" because that is who she wants to be, not because there is someone else checking her. That is real recovery from any addiction/codependency, when you are so fed up with your own patterns and self destruction so that you will do ANYTHING to start changing and keep at it, often this involves a lot of alone time and introspection, something that is more difficult to do when you have a romantic interest and can distract yourself very easily and keep on with your games, BS and denial... until all comes crushing down again and history repeats itself
I think she will behave because she wants too. She doesn't know what it will be like to be alone and sober, some fear has to come with that. Just like I fear dating entirely from being beaten. We are both navigating things. She never said she doesn't feel she CAN do it alone, she's frightened.
My humble question is why the rush.. who is the one rushing things here.. why canīt you just be friends...? I am sorry you were abused before, (I can relate as I have been, too) and the person you describe seems like an abuse story waiting to happen (even neglect can be abuse, addicts can be selfish while active and also as dry drunks, real change goes way deeper than being abstinent). There's no rush. We aren't jumping into anything. She just requested that I learn. Neither of us are going anywhere. Friends is fine with me if that's all it ends up being, but it feels different. As far as the abuse part goes, it won't happen again, since then I have learned great boundaries.
My 2 cents from where I sit.
Glad you are in SR, this is a great community!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
SheMakesMeSmile, Welcome and ((((hugs)))).
We do have our own language her and it takes a little getting used go. This link will help:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-acronyms.html
Btw, ES&H is experience, strength and hope.
Only you know what is right for you and only you can decide what is right for you.
My experience of having separated from my alcoholic wife (AW) of 36 years is that I will never have a relationship with an alcoholic/addict again, ever.
But that's just me.
Your friend,
We do have our own language her and it takes a little getting used go. This link will help:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-acronyms.html
Btw, ES&H is experience, strength and hope.
Only you know what is right for you and only you can decide what is right for you.
My experience of having separated from my alcoholic wife (AW) of 36 years is that I will never have a relationship with an alcoholic/addict again, ever.
But that's just me.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
This is hard to admit but I won't go out with a recovering alcoholic if he's channeling Bill Wilson! I don't care how much time he has either. This is from the perspective of being sober 20 years. There's a much better chance of having a happy relationship with someone who isn't a drinker. Remember, alcoholism is a mental illness. Some of my closest friends, people I trust with my life, are recovering alcoholics. It's just that relationships bring up old stuff in them, problems arise when there shouldn't be any.
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