At the Hardware Store

Old 12-29-2011, 01:41 PM
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At the Hardware Store

So, my RABF and I are long-distance, and for the most part get along just fine that way. We have even planned on his return someday in the next few months. He is only 6 months sober. And today the 'only' part came screaming at me.

This has been a hard year, financially, for me. But I've learned not to talk about it much and to just rely on the best resources I can find. Tonight, I have an opportunity to make a few dollars at a temporary position so that I may pay for my books for school.

I was telling RABF that I was getting ready to go to work and where and the set up and all. (it's just a fireworks stand near my neighborhood). He got all quiet and said, "I don't know why I thought talking to you would make me feel better." ...

You know, I have learned not to expect bread at the hardware store, but I seriously don't understand how I'm supposed to make him feel better when I didn't know he's feeling bad. After all, he's recovering from a disease without AA, living for free at his brother's house, with a sweet media set up and all sorts of family around him. What am I missing?

I felt terrible after he said he had to go (some urgency that of course I don't understand), and now I'm here posting about it...

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Old 12-29-2011, 01:58 PM
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long distance relationships...ah yeah. Confusing to try to make sense via phone/text...heck, even video.

He's maybe just kinda lonely for you? Wants your attention?
I don't know why him making that comment is so out of bounds?
Childish perhaps..
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Old 12-29-2011, 02:17 PM
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I spent so much time trying to figure out why and what the ABF meant when he said things that I got to the point of saying in my head "Yeah, yeah, whatever." I realized I was spending waaay too time deciphering, decoding, and analyzing what was said and had no time left for my own thoughts. The neediness sometimes was overwhelming, and I never seemed to ever get a clear answer as to what it was he actually wanted, needed, or meant. I don't think he knew so the only thing he could say was something that would end up leaving me in total confusion, which is most probably what the state of his mind was in - total confusion.
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Old 12-29-2011, 08:44 PM
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Don't feel bad. If something really was wrong with him, he should have told you immediately. Relationships are about communicating, not mind reading. Now, go blow things up and feel better!
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Old 12-29-2011, 09:07 PM
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Personally, I wouldn't even consider getting back together with someone until they demonstrated the ability to make it on their own. Living with relatives for free, while you struggle to make ends meet, doesn't really inspire confidence in an equal partner. Let alone whining about how tough he has it. Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt that getting sober is hard. But if it were me, I would really think twice about resuming a cohabitation with someone until they proved they could do it on their own.

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Old 12-29-2011, 10:00 PM
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Yeah, that happened to me.
"You don't make me happy," she said.
And I felt horrible because I really wanted to make her happy. But some little part of me that had been hearing about things like "detachment" and "boundaries" and being "powerless" realized that making her happy wasn't my job. And that being happy isn't something we can be given, it comes from inside us. We're responsible for our own happiness.
But it was still hard to see her, still early in her recovery, feeling miserable.
Your job isn't to make your BF feel better. All you can do is give him support and encouragement. But at the same time, you can recognize that your BF isn't a horrible person for wanting you to make him feel better...he just hasn't got to a place where he understands that you can't make him happy. Right?
He may never get there, but if he does, it's really a pretty amazing journey.
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Old 12-30-2011, 09:58 AM
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Oh poor me....typical alcoholic manipulation. So what has he done for you? In no way are you responsible for "cheering someone up". It's HIS job to do that.
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Old 12-30-2011, 10:46 AM
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Thanks, everyone. I felt 'off-center' again, like when he was here, and when he was drinking. I don't like that feeling.

I'm not in a position to contact him today. yet. I have things to do.
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