Financial guilt getting the best of me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
Financial guilt getting the best of me
How do you say no and not feel guilty? Mostly, this is about financial responsibility. My mother's addiction is starting to take a toll on my parents finances, so dad asks me once in awhile if he can borrow money to cover the bills. I get angry when asked because if the real problem was addressed, I wouldn't need to be asked to help out.
I hate feeling selfish, but it's not my responsibility. Or is it because it's a parent asking? I get paid back eventually, but that's not the point.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. If I do give in, then I feel resentful and angry. If I don't, then I feel like I'm doing something selfish and wrong because it's for my dad.
I've been pretty good about setting boundaries with time limits, but finances are another story.
Guess this goes with my other post "Live and Let Live." It's tough.
I hate feeling selfish, but it's not my responsibility. Or is it because it's a parent asking? I get paid back eventually, but that's not the point.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. If I do give in, then I feel resentful and angry. If I don't, then I feel like I'm doing something selfish and wrong because it's for my dad.
I've been pretty good about setting boundaries with time limits, but finances are another story.
Guess this goes with my other post "Live and Let Live." It's tough.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I am sorry you are going through this. However, it is NOT your problem. You have an A mother and really an A father as his enabling is making her his addiction.
I don't know how to not feel guilty about saying NO. No explanations, just NO. Maybe, just maybe, your NOT lending him money, might allow him to 'wake up' a bit and see the Elephant in the room.
Constantly 'bailing' him/them out is a form of enabling. Yes, you will feel guilty, yes it will hurt for a bit, but you will know you have stuck with your boundaries.
I'm going to tell you a story, part of my story. My Mom and Dad retired to Florida in 1972. In 1979 as I have stated many times on here, all communication with me was stopped by them, so that I could figure out and take care of my problem. That is the BEST THING they ever did for me
In early December of '81, I left a message on their answering machine, giving them my phone numbers and my sponsor's phone number and letting them know I was 6 months sober. I finally heard back from them in February of'82. I was then able to start my 'amends' to them.
I started to see that although my father had drank my whole life, I was not sure he was an alcoholic as for all those years he drank THE SAME AMOUNT every day, never more never less. It was only the last 2 years of his life, when the Doctor started prescribing Darvocet for his pain, that I showed him the PDR about darvocet and drinking. He STOPPED drinking, but continued to take his pain meds as prescribed.
Now my mom never drank, always said that she was allergic to alcohol. However, my mother was a Valium addict. No doubt about it. And that is where the problem was. She would go through what she was prescribed and then buy them on the street.
My folks owned a lot of rental/income property, and were in pretty good shape financially, my sister and I thought. Then one day in '94 my dad called me asking to borrow some money as they were short on cash flow and had some bills to pay, yada yada yada. It just didn't sound right to me. I called my sister, and she told me she had lent him money in the past, and he had repaid her, but she finally figured out that it was because of my mother buying her extra pills on the street.
I did lend him the several thousand he asked for THAT TIME and THAT TIME only. He did pay me back several months later, and I swear within 2 or 3 weeks of the 'payback' he was again asking for a loan, larger than the previous one. I had to flat out say NO. I still cringe thinking how I felt when I said that word, but for my own sanity and hopefully his also, I just could not allow myself to enable the cycle continuing.
I suspect what my Dad did was sell some of his Kugerands to keep going, as upon his death there were about 15 of them missing from the total I was suppose to get. After his demise, my mother would, yearly, sell off a rental unit (condo or townhouse). She only survived 3 years 5 months past dad.
I do understand your feeling 'guilty' about saying NO. Maybe do a Pro/Con list on 'lending' your father money. That might help you to set your OWN BOUNDARY.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as you know we do care. Know that we are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
I don't know how to not feel guilty about saying NO. No explanations, just NO. Maybe, just maybe, your NOT lending him money, might allow him to 'wake up' a bit and see the Elephant in the room.
Constantly 'bailing' him/them out is a form of enabling. Yes, you will feel guilty, yes it will hurt for a bit, but you will know you have stuck with your boundaries.
I'm going to tell you a story, part of my story. My Mom and Dad retired to Florida in 1972. In 1979 as I have stated many times on here, all communication with me was stopped by them, so that I could figure out and take care of my problem. That is the BEST THING they ever did for me
In early December of '81, I left a message on their answering machine, giving them my phone numbers and my sponsor's phone number and letting them know I was 6 months sober. I finally heard back from them in February of'82. I was then able to start my 'amends' to them.
I started to see that although my father had drank my whole life, I was not sure he was an alcoholic as for all those years he drank THE SAME AMOUNT every day, never more never less. It was only the last 2 years of his life, when the Doctor started prescribing Darvocet for his pain, that I showed him the PDR about darvocet and drinking. He STOPPED drinking, but continued to take his pain meds as prescribed.
Now my mom never drank, always said that she was allergic to alcohol. However, my mother was a Valium addict. No doubt about it. And that is where the problem was. She would go through what she was prescribed and then buy them on the street.
My folks owned a lot of rental/income property, and were in pretty good shape financially, my sister and I thought. Then one day in '94 my dad called me asking to borrow some money as they were short on cash flow and had some bills to pay, yada yada yada. It just didn't sound right to me. I called my sister, and she told me she had lent him money in the past, and he had repaid her, but she finally figured out that it was because of my mother buying her extra pills on the street.
I did lend him the several thousand he asked for THAT TIME and THAT TIME only. He did pay me back several months later, and I swear within 2 or 3 weeks of the 'payback' he was again asking for a loan, larger than the previous one. I had to flat out say NO. I still cringe thinking how I felt when I said that word, but for my own sanity and hopefully his also, I just could not allow myself to enable the cycle continuing.
I suspect what my Dad did was sell some of his Kugerands to keep going, as upon his death there were about 15 of them missing from the total I was suppose to get. After his demise, my mother would, yearly, sell off a rental unit (condo or townhouse). She only survived 3 years 5 months past dad.
I do understand your feeling 'guilty' about saying NO. Maybe do a Pro/Con list on 'lending' your father money. That might help you to set your OWN BOUNDARY.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as you know we do care. Know that we are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
what a difficult situation ~
to be honest I have a hard enough time trying to set financial boundaries with my adult children - I don't know if I could do it with my Mom.
Prayers of strength, guidance and courage for you for you to know what is the healthiest and best thing for you to do for everyone in this situation
PINK HUGS,
Rita
to be honest I have a hard enough time trying to set financial boundaries with my adult children - I don't know if I could do it with my Mom.
Prayers of strength, guidance and courage for you for you to know what is the healthiest and best thing for you to do for everyone in this situation
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 168
If you know it's enabling and going to resent it, don't. And tell dad why in a loving calm way. He may be moved to face some things he should have a long time ago.
I have my very best friend going through some very rough times right now with a divorce from a gambling addict and they are flat broke. She would never ask and I want to help her out financially, but I will not do it while she is married to him, because I would be enabling him. It's difficult to see her struggle, but I think her and her husband need to "own" what's real and the mess he has created in order to recover.
I have my very best friend going through some very rough times right now with a divorce from a gambling addict and they are flat broke. She would never ask and I want to help her out financially, but I will not do it while she is married to him, because I would be enabling him. It's difficult to see her struggle, but I think her and her husband need to "own" what's real and the mess he has created in order to recover.
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