JenT1968

I am so ANGRY. i am just so angry at myself.

I've been to an alanon meeting, I went to coffee with them afterwards which is well outside of my comfort zone, I've done a gratitude list and I still can't let it go.

I am divorced now, and yet the crap continues with xAH, and mostly I do just fine letting all the delusional paranoid vitriol spewing from him bounce off of me, because when I am detached it is sad but also hilarious that he thinks constant references to my sexual exploits with a boyfriend that only exists in his head demonstrate anything other than that he has a tenuous grip on reailty.

and yet, and yet...... every so often I find myself drifting into fantasy land where I beleive that I can have a rational conversation with him, I got into a stupid text-athon with him today round and round with me trying to get him to see my point about why I need more than just his word that he has beaten his addiction (whilst still drinking) given that he has lied about it so often before. The allure of the idea that he is fine is SO STRONG, the kids could have a fullfilling relationship with him, I wouldn't have to decide based on sweet FA whether they are safe to be with him or not, I could have some time to myself, and we could arrange contact so that we never had to have any contact between us at all.

but everything about his behaviour has my gut screaming: the constant references to my lying to the children about my imaginary "boyfriend", opening telephone calls to me with lines about me performing fellatio and thinking that I should still take the call, the fact that he won't voluntarily take a hair-strand test to back up his story that he has cut down on his drinking (and changes the reasons why), the lack of any evidence being volunteered to back up his story, his threats to move to switzerland/america/wherever because I am alienating him from his children when I deliver them to his door twice a week and he has cancelled a fifth of his contact visits in the last 6 months.

I am so tired of this, I want someone else to tell me what to do, I am fed up that my only legal option to get someone else to give an objective opinion on whether his drinking is still a risk is to stop contact to force the issue which will hurt the kids.

I don't want to turn to family and friends about this, my step dad has prostate cancer, my brother has injured the nerves in his shoulder and has been laid off and they are stuggling financially, my dad's dad is close to the end, and my dad is struggling with looking after him, his frailty and confusion. these are big real problems and I don't want to burden them with my stupidity in expecting anything other than normal from xAH.

but that leaves me feeling lost.

OK - that's helped, getting it off my chest.

Hanna

This paragraph makes me sick! And I'm so so sorry you have to deal with this abuse. You aren't crazy - trust your gut.

I don't think I would pick up the phone for a long long time for someone that speaks like this.

How are the kids? Are you documenting all of this? If he's not drinking/using, he's still a big hot mess anyway or he wouldn't be acting like this.

marie1960

Nobody can go back in time and start a new beginning, but you can start today and make a new ending. (Put an end to all the craziness an active alkie brings to our doorstep). Time to rewrite your life........

I agree with Anvil, go forward and do what is best for you and the kids. Time to go live the life that awaits you. Find your own peace and happiness.

You are divorced now, he is no longer your problem. Make the best life you can for you and the kids.

I would tell him that I will only discuss the children with him, nothing else. When he starts accusing, and making sexual remarks, simply hang up the phone......... Do not allow him to suck you in to his vortex of need. He will get the message.

Sometimes we have to show others,with our own actions, how we expect to be treated.
Wishing you all the best........

JenT1968

thanks everyone,

he is on straight to answerphone, it doesn't stop him he'll get the kids to hand the phone to me saying he needs to discuss arrangements. when I'm thinking, I just end the calll without them knowing but hey ho. I knew it was pointless engaging with him, that's why I was so angry with myself.

After a not great sleep I have contcted the mediation service to see if we can arrange a way forward where he will accept the test. If not, I think I will have to take him to court, and get ss to assess his current risk, as he is threatening "an unpleasant incident" to force me into moving it to what he wants, which I take to mean that he will just keep one of the children overnight without notice.

If he was so damn sure of his case he could of course have taken me to court.

Jazzman

Exaclty. Why should you rack up attorneys fees woorrying about what he might do? I would keep the conversation to what time to pick up and drop off an hang up if it ventures away from that subject. Tell him if he wants the kids over night then you'll see him in court. He's all bark and no substance, pretty typical actually.

skippernlilg

I think the listening to it made me the craziest. Now that I don't listen to ANYone (A or not) who gives me the red flags, my life is much more peaceful.

Without a red cent to my name, my son and I were surrounded with loving friends for Christmas. We are so grateful!