Need input on working my program / blackouts
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
Need input on working my program / blackouts
Need input on working my program.
I truly believe that it’s not “right” (for lack of a better word!) to “fill in” the A on their behavior during a black-out.
I think it’s just kinda counter-productive.
Even without the specific memories, A’s KNOW they’ve screwed up.
But my question is: HOW do I work the program on this?
Is this a “Let Go + Let God” thing?
TIA
Blue
I truly believe that it’s not “right” (for lack of a better word!) to “fill in” the A on their behavior during a black-out.
I think it’s just kinda counter-productive.
Even without the specific memories, A’s KNOW they’ve screwed up.
But my question is: HOW do I work the program on this?
Is this a “Let Go + Let God” thing?
TIA
Blue
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I'm thinking similaryly to anvil ...... if you live with an active alcoholic then it's just part of the deal. Bringing up what the A has done in a blackout, depending on the motive, isn't right or wrong necessirily. I know when I was activly drinking and things would be brought up to me I would get very defensive and angry ..... it usually ended up in an argument. So I'll say again, I think it depends on what your motive is.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
ahh ~ the dreaded "black outs"
I use to have visions of videoing the black out spells and playing them back for my now ex ah ~ in my carefully thought out plan he would watch this tape - have a great awakening, the light would come one, the clouds would part, music would play and all would be right in the world ~
of course these thoughts were before I entered my own recovery program - ha ha ha ha
Yes there is no reason to tell the A all the things they did during the black out ~ from my experience ~ most of the time they don't believe it anyway. . .if it happened in a black out to them - it didn't really happen. . .
BUT it is very real and very painful for US and more than anything I found that I had feelings that needed to be validated.
The great thing about recovery is I don't need anyone but MYSELF to validate my feelings, thoughts or emotions!
I need a program to keep me from reacting to those things but I can process those thoughts and feelings thru step work, journaling, talking with my sponsor and prayer & meditation.
Just my e, s, and h ~ what helped me because as of today - all those things that I perceived to have happened during those black out years are still being denied by my ex ah. It's ok ~ he has his perception and I have mine ~ the truth is somewhere in between
PINK HUGS & prayers of healing for YOU!
Rita
I use to have visions of videoing the black out spells and playing them back for my now ex ah ~ in my carefully thought out plan he would watch this tape - have a great awakening, the light would come one, the clouds would part, music would play and all would be right in the world ~
of course these thoughts were before I entered my own recovery program - ha ha ha ha
Yes there is no reason to tell the A all the things they did during the black out ~ from my experience ~ most of the time they don't believe it anyway. . .if it happened in a black out to them - it didn't really happen. . .
BUT it is very real and very painful for US and more than anything I found that I had feelings that needed to be validated.
The great thing about recovery is I don't need anyone but MYSELF to validate my feelings, thoughts or emotions!
I need a program to keep me from reacting to those things but I can process those thoughts and feelings thru step work, journaling, talking with my sponsor and prayer & meditation.
Just my e, s, and h ~ what helped me because as of today - all those things that I perceived to have happened during those black out years are still being denied by my ex ah. It's ok ~ he has his perception and I have mine ~ the truth is somewhere in between
PINK HUGS & prayers of healing for YOU!
Rita
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
I need to ramble + figure this out -
Everything all of you have said makes sense and has helped – thank you!
I love my husband dearly – he’s not an “active alcoholic”, this was a relapse – subtle difference I know . . .
we are working on working our way through this.
HG – I agree that to bring things up would serve no useful purpose – 99.5% of the time . . .
I know I need to check MY MOTIVES – usually they’re like Rita so eloquently put it:
I want him to ”have a great awakening, the light would come on, the clouds would part,
music would play and all would be right in the world”
(LOL – I love that!)
A lot of times, I just plain want to cause him as much PAIN as he’s caused me.
Shame on me!
I too am a Recovering Alcoholic.
I know first hand that alcoholics suffer just as much, if not MORE, than their loved ones.
Although, being the loved one, it doesn’t feel like it.
He doesn’t need me to “beat him up” in order for him to be sober.
I know that.
Really.
I KNOW that.
But I can’t FEEL it right now.
Hmmmm . . . could this possibly be a wee bit of anger here?? *sarcasm*
I’m biting my tongue.
I do NOT want to retaliate . . .
ok . . . I DO . . .
but I’ve been around long enough that I know that’s not the right thing – not the caring thing to do.
Al-anon teaches me to TAKE CARE OF ME.
Intentionally causing someone I love pain is NOT taking care of me.
Coming to this forum to vent + figure it out, IS.
*sigh*
Thank you for letting me “think out loud”!
Blue
Everything all of you have said makes sense and has helped – thank you!
I love my husband dearly – he’s not an “active alcoholic”, this was a relapse – subtle difference I know . . .
we are working on working our way through this.
HG – I agree that to bring things up would serve no useful purpose – 99.5% of the time . . .
I know I need to check MY MOTIVES – usually they’re like Rita so eloquently put it:
I want him to ”have a great awakening, the light would come on, the clouds would part,
music would play and all would be right in the world”
(LOL – I love that!)
A lot of times, I just plain want to cause him as much PAIN as he’s caused me.
Shame on me!
I too am a Recovering Alcoholic.
I know first hand that alcoholics suffer just as much, if not MORE, than their loved ones.
Although, being the loved one, it doesn’t feel like it.
He doesn’t need me to “beat him up” in order for him to be sober.
I know that.
Really.
I KNOW that.
But I can’t FEEL it right now.
Hmmmm . . . could this possibly be a wee bit of anger here?? *sarcasm*
I’m biting my tongue.
I do NOT want to retaliate . . .
ok . . . I DO . . .
but I’ve been around long enough that I know that’s not the right thing – not the caring thing to do.
Al-anon teaches me to TAKE CARE OF ME.
Intentionally causing someone I love pain is NOT taking care of me.
Coming to this forum to vent + figure it out, IS.
*sigh*
Thank you for letting me “think out loud”!
Blue
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Is it just me or do alcoholic "blackouts" sometimes just seem like them being wilfully obtuse?
I mean, let's say an A comes to and there's a dent in the car and their spouse is refusing to relinquish the car keys to them. You'd think the A could--I don't know--hazard a guess as to what happened. Or if there's a police report involved--couldn't they just read that? Instead they're like "O BUT I DON'T REMEMBER A BLESSED THING!"
Must be nice.
My husband sometimes begged me to tell him what he'd said/done during a binge. I never told him, I would just say, "It was bad enough living through it, I don't feel like rehashing it all. Isn't it bad enough that I'm sitting here crying and you don't remember the last two days? Isn't that kinda ENOUGH? I wish I could 'black out' the last two days."
And the sad fact was that it wasn't ENOUGH, he would sort of use the "black out" experience as another way to minimize, deny, play dumb, etc.
So, back to you: don't worry about relating to him what he did. He can read the reports if he cares to know, he can talk with any number of people. And at the end of the day--even if no one gives him a blow-by-blow: the situation he's in now is gonna be enough information for him, it really is.
You've been through a harrowing experience. Really, just take care of YOU. (Counsellor?)
I mean, let's say an A comes to and there's a dent in the car and their spouse is refusing to relinquish the car keys to them. You'd think the A could--I don't know--hazard a guess as to what happened. Or if there's a police report involved--couldn't they just read that? Instead they're like "O BUT I DON'T REMEMBER A BLESSED THING!"
Must be nice.
My husband sometimes begged me to tell him what he'd said/done during a binge. I never told him, I would just say, "It was bad enough living through it, I don't feel like rehashing it all. Isn't it bad enough that I'm sitting here crying and you don't remember the last two days? Isn't that kinda ENOUGH? I wish I could 'black out' the last two days."
And the sad fact was that it wasn't ENOUGH, he would sort of use the "black out" experience as another way to minimize, deny, play dumb, etc.
So, back to you: don't worry about relating to him what he did. He can read the reports if he cares to know, he can talk with any number of people. And at the end of the day--even if no one gives him a blow-by-blow: the situation he's in now is gonna be enough information for him, it really is.
You've been through a harrowing experience. Really, just take care of YOU. (Counsellor?)
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Blue))
sounds like you are doing lots of step work & working on healing yourself thru this relapse ~
geez this crap is hard isn't it!!
just the right time for big girl panties, steel toe bunny slippers and big dose of self-care!
and never forget
lots and lots of
PINK HUGS!
Rita
sounds like you are doing lots of step work & working on healing yourself thru this relapse ~
geez this crap is hard isn't it!!
just the right time for big girl panties, steel toe bunny slippers and big dose of self-care!
and never forget
lots and lots of
PINK HUGS!
Rita
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
Expected responses from AW when I talk about what happened during a blackout:
1. Whatever!
2. If you say so...
3. So what?
4. And you're telling me this because . . .
It's like they dreamed it. It's not real. That's why multiple hospital visits, accidents, embarassing situations, DUI's, etc -- all them happened YEARS AND YEARS AGO. When in fact there might be bad things happening daily, weekly, monthly.
And getting sober doesn't fix this problem, which I call "selective memory". They want 100% forgiveness for misdeeds that (in their deluded minds) are "ancient history".
Just one more thing about A's to drive us crazy, if we let it. I'm trying not to, but 17 years later it still makes me nuts.
1. Whatever!
2. If you say so...
3. So what?
4. And you're telling me this because . . .
It's like they dreamed it. It's not real. That's why multiple hospital visits, accidents, embarassing situations, DUI's, etc -- all them happened YEARS AND YEARS AGO. When in fact there might be bad things happening daily, weekly, monthly.
And getting sober doesn't fix this problem, which I call "selective memory". They want 100% forgiveness for misdeeds that (in their deluded minds) are "ancient history".
Just one more thing about A's to drive us crazy, if we let it. I'm trying not to, but 17 years later it still makes me nuts.
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