witharealwinner

Every day that goes by I get more and more fed up with things.

I'm still a loser for still being with him and I know it's like I'm bringing this on myself by not having him get out of here.

I swear he must be getting worse. I think he is. I can't help but wonder about things like this, it's in my nature. I'm an RN, so health issues always interest me. I think he's drinking harder liquor - not that it makes a difference as far as "being an alcoholic goes - but he's staying up almost ALL night long, not coming to bed until 4 or 5. So, naturally, he's been staying in bed all day long. I really think this has been going on for about a month now. Almost every day and every night.

I'm getting sick of how incredibly lazy he is. I'm up taking care of EVERYTHING.

Santa got the kiddos a puppy (he finally gave in) so things are busy with watching him and housebreaking, etc and taking care of the twins, my other 3 girls and the house and everything, and there he is, laying in bed while I do it all.

I know I'm being a whiny baby, but I guess it helps me to write it and get it out that way.

He spent about $50 on Christmas. For the twins (which are our babies), my girls and me. I got the rest of it. Just like I take care of everything else. I had to wrap his presents. I had to, because the few things he got I wasn't going to let go unwrapped, b/c it was for the kids. My pj's he got, he didn't even bother wrapping for me. I got him a wallet I at least took the time to wrap it for him.

He's going on about how he's not going to do anything to help me with the dog, since he didn't want it; he's doing it to prove to me that I'm "psychotic" and bringing too much on myself. It's my fault that I "made the twins" (I guess I'm the new Mary here)

Sorry. I just need to vent. I know what I need to do. I know. What will be my breaking point? I know this is messed up for my kids to see. He still hasn't looked for work and won't until Feb. he's going to ride his unemployment out til then. Wish I could turn him in for that. Then when Feb comes (if he's still here) he won't look for work b/c it'll be too snowy and cold and why chance it with his car.

He is in bed. Right now. At 436pm. He's "hungover." Is it wrong of me to secretly wish he'd get alcohol poisoning? What does that say about me?

Thanks for letting me vent. I can't see a counselor as I have no insurance. I can't get out to Al anon b/c I can't leave the kids with him. I'd never be able to afford a babysitter with 5 kids and a puppy.

So, for now, I will let this site help me. By letting me vent and read. I really appreciate it.

I should've named myself I'marealfool instead of the one I chose...lol.

OH yeah, Christmas was a joke with him. He stayed in bed til 8 pm. He was up to watch them open presents, but back to bed. I got dinner ready, etc. I had a nice time with my kids and the puppy, though. He didn't even eat dinner with us.

RollTide

You're not a loser at all. You're providing for your children and getting through a difficult situation as best you know how. I did not have children with my XAH so I can't give any advice there but there will be some folks around soon who have been through exactly what you are going through.

I do know that you are living with the same alcoholic insanity and reasoning that we all have. Please keep posting.

witharealwinner

Yeah, I don't post enough.

And yeah, probably NOT one of the smarter things I've ever done with the puppy, but he's so stinkin' cute. He's a little golden retriever; my girls named him Goldwin, it means golden friend. When my oldest dd heard that, she insisted that was to be his name. It's chaotic now, but once we get into a groove, things will be better. LOL Trying to be optimistic here.

But, yes, I do need to post more often. It does feel good to get it out. I know I can do everything that needs done and I can support myself if I need to. It's just the getting there that I need to work on. KWIM?

wicked

Oh, goldens are lovely and lovely tempered dogs. The kids can walk, run, throw the ball, and they will wear each other out. (That is how I would talk it out with myself!)
Train early, to return to your call.

You are a saint compared to me, there were times I wished my ex would die. Yep. I knew I was going crazy!

I would love to roll his drunk ass out the door with Anvil and then we can play with the kids and the dogs. What is better than that?

Beth

PS So glad you are an RN, you can do it yourself, you already have been doing it yourself.

akrasia

NO you're not a fool. The puppy was counterintuitive but you know your girls and I bet you knew that having something to care for would help them through.

You can't go on like this, as you know. Your girls can't either, but you're the only one with a choice in the matter. What could be one step towards getting free of the alcoholism?

witharealwinner

Wicked, Thanks!!!

Don't get me wrong. I was just outside with the puppy....I was thinking I haven't heard from abf; so I starting thinking, maybe he's passed on? There have been times I wished that. I just didn't want to say it out loud in case people would think how horrid I must be.

I just can't wrap my brain around how someone can lay in bed like that and do nothing but sleep. HOW can he do that as a "man?!"

witharealwinner

akrasia. I don't know. I am always so worried about his feelings. Like he cares about ours. That's what I can't get past.

akrasia

Yeah, probably because you're hoping he'll wake up and suddenly be like, "But--how could I do that to you! I'm so sorry! Let me make it up to you!"

I know that feeling!

Maybe you could tell yourself: it doesn't have to be all or nothing. He moves out, you tell him you can't allow your children live with an active drunk. You tell him you'd be happy to live together again once he's been sober for a year. He might respond by getting sober, or you know, not. If in a year he's like, "Oh my god what was I thinking?!" and has progressed, then great, he moves back in. If not, then, maybe by then you won't mind so much.

fedup3

wow witharealwinner what you wrote could have been mine except for the 5 kids. I have 2 children and they are adults now but what you wrote was me years ago when they were young, ugh. I'm so sorry I know how it feels to be trapped in a cycle of chaos but read over what you wrote, it sounds like a very strong woman who has a job, takes care of the kids, finances (I'm sure) runs the home and now a dog. I'm going to ask you this because no one asked me this years ago "what are your boundaries?" . "what will it take to say enough?" "what are your dreams?". There was a time when I thought there was no way out of the mess I was in but there was a way out. My ex was on unemployment so much of our marriage with me as the breadwinner that all I can remember was his excuses why he should stay on unemployment because he was in the union and there wasn't any work. I wish you could go to Al-Anon but if you can't please read as much as you can on SR, it will help. I'll be praying for you and your kids and please keep posting.

justjo

Hi witharealwinner

firstly, you are not a looser and Im sorry you and the kids are going through this. I wont give you any real advice but say this.
You will know when the time is right for you - Its all a matter of time and how much we are willing to put up with.

JJ

TakingCharge999

Hi witharealwinner,

I identify about how frustrating it is to see someone sleep life away, my mom was/is like that, not alcoholic but depressed and it breaks my heart! I see I do the same often and trying not to fall in the same state, so sad for everyone involved, it can make you crazy because physically they ARE there but THEY are not there...

My apartment is CHAOTIC and its just me and 2 cats so I don't know how you do it all. You are way stronger/capable than you think!

Realizing I was not going to be around forever helped me move forward and do stuff for myself....... we don't have guarantees in life, maybe our footsteps are counted, time is limited in this planet.

In my case the XABF has been drinking all this time, 3 years since I left so I would have lost another 3 years of MY life being miserable...

Hugs and I wish you the best
Tc999

PS The benefits of pets are many and I believe they got more pro's than cons, hopefully the kids can help take care of the dog and cut you some slack.

PPS You are not a whiner nor a loser, don't say nor write (nor think!) such things as they are not true.

wicked

<nodding>, yes, i did that too. i told my psychiatrist, and he told me, better to think about it than act. I never acted, and sometimes it would lead me into a small beautiful place that was mine, where it was peaceful and calm.

Yeah, just like I thought because you wore BDU's and a jump beret made him a man. It just made him a wind dummy. hehehehehehehe

Beth

BlueMoon

Quote:

(I guess I'm the new Mary here)

ROTFLMAO ( a sense of humor is vital to keeping one's sanity!)

Quote:

He is in bed. Right now. At 436pm. He's "hungover." Is it wrong of me to secretly wish he'd get alcohol poisoning?

Nope!

Quote:

What does that say about me?

That you're human!

Like the others have said - you're stronger than you think! Hang in there + keep posting!

Blue

witharealwinner

About the "just knowing" thing, I totally agree as I've found that to be so true of so many things in my life already.

He pretty much got up right after my last post. I know he will never stop what he's doing.

Is this how alcoholism progresses? I see that posted all the time here and I wonder what exactly is meant by that. I know in the grand scheme of things, it probably doesn't matter, but for my own knowledge, I would like to know.

nicam

So sorry you have to experience this. Great question though!

I think it progresses in different ways depending on the person. I watched my mom slowly go from being highly functional (successful career, beautiful, social) to virtually unable to shower and get out of bed once all day every day. This spanned 25 years and each year it got a little worse.

XABF, however, cycles in and out of extreme lows and highs. Only holds jobs and relationships very short periods of time before crashing and burning sending everyone running for the hills. Then, rinse and repeat. New job, new people/scene.

You know he's never gonna stop, so it's just a matter of how at this point. it sounds like you already see how it's progressing (him laying in bed all day and shrugging all of his responsibilities off) and it will only get worse.

witharealwinner

I keep wondering if this really is progressing, or if it's just a phase b/c he's stuck in the up all night/sleep all day cycle. I suppose it doesn't really matter.

One good thing, at least he took the puppy out for overnight outside trips.

When he came to bed, at 615am (!) he told me that he "did his job" so I should now "leave him alone." LOL How about helping take care of your babies?

Seren

I don't think you are a fool.....I just think you aren't done yet.

Alcoholism is progressive in a variety of ways depending on the person, I think.

My stepson started drinking socially, then binge drinking, and ended up sitting, unemployed, in his late 20's, in his old room at his father's house, drinking round the clock. He would barely make an appearance to the rest of the family.

It sounds a little bit like that's where your husband is now, and it's a very dark place. Only problem, you can't help him get out of it. That's "his job".

Hugs to you and your children, HG

problemis

You are abusing yourself by calling yourself a loser, etc.

The most important conversation you'll ever have is the one you have with yourself.

Choose your words carefully and speak kindly to yourself.

sesh

Hun you're not a fool or a looser, you're just having it hard and you need to learn how to start your own recovery. This place is great for it so I highly recomend you stick around.

Alcoholism progresses, as others have said, in different ways for different A's, and you'd be surprised how much worse it can always get. To non stop drinking, to poor health - damaged liver that can't process the toxins so they affect the mental state, sometimes with terminal consequences; many different diseases and even to the death.

The more it progresses the worse it gets for people who live with an A.

SR has proved to be a life saver for many of us, I strongly advise sticking around and reading as much as you can. When you learn enough your own recovery will start and you'll get to the point when you're ready to make a change.

Also, I'd like to add, considering the circumstances you're doing good.

Take care, we're here for you.

djayr

Hang in there, and stop being so hard on yourself! You are raising a family and watching over an entire household -- you are doing GREAT. Don't call yourself a loser. The exact opposite is true. You are resourceful survivor!

He is the loser, he is a sick person who is going down the tubes because of alcoholism, and everything you are experiencing is NORMAL (as far as what happens to a healthy person who is unfortunately attached to an alcoholic).

The question is, what is going to change the pattern? "Nothing changes if nothing changes". Maybe you want to consider some kind of ultimatum. It's not right for you to care more about him than he cares for himself. If you read the posts here, continued never-ending drinking makes everything worse, not better.

You have a ton of sympathy and support here. Many of us have fought the same fight for years, and the solutions begin with US, not our addicted loved ones who are frankly overgrown children who have lost their ability to function in society.