iloveme

I think it's me?

I am finding that even when I find a man that is healthy has minimal baggage. no addictions, and wants to help me, I find a way to push him away and create chaos when there is none.

I realize that this is a pattern that may have had my entire life and I don't like this about myself. I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and liking this woman I see. Luckily today I don't want to drink over it or hurt myself. But I cant heelp but wonder how many of you feel this same way?

XXXXXXXXXX

In order to have a healthy relationship, you must be emotionally healthy yourself. Understanding this, I personally am out of the dating game for a little while longer, while I work on me.

When I jump back in, I hope to find a person who I can share mutual trust with, who complements me, and who is also emotionally healthy.

There are much worse things than being single.

iloveme

I don't know Anvil?

Not sure anything is wrong with someone wanting to help? But I get where you are going with this........ I think I need ALOT of work and I suppose being close with others has made this perfectly clear!

tabatha

I've questioned myself many many times over this also. My ex live in AB from years ago was a binge alcoholic who never admitted he had a problem. He would do the drinking and disappearing act. I stayed with him for almost 10 years until I finally got him to move out. I went to codependency meetings after that for a couple years and went into therapy. I thought I was 'cured'. I then met and fell for a recovering addict who said he had been sober for several years but his behavior was not that of someone who was 'recovering'. Red flags all over the place but still I got emotionally attached. At least I did not let him move in so I thought I was REALLY cured this time! He relapsed several times and went through the revolving rehab and detox doors. He eventually died from his disease and even at the very end I was still emotionally attached. I still have much work to do on myself as I still seem to be drawn to the chaos and find myself creating the chaos if there is none. It's a life long work.

TakingCharge999

tabatha I identify with you 100%...

iloveme in what specifically does he want to help...

So far I let male friends help me: to carry large boxes for example, or give me a ride

If its emotional help that is why there are counselors/therapy etc. if you need them.

Ex also said I needed someone like him to help me, yadda yadda that made me feel as if I was an idiot or vulnerable or for some reason "broken".

I am too away of the dating scene for God knows how long. Being single is not that bad. In fact I find it relaxing.

Impurrfect

I have self-sabotaged myself in the relationships I've had...all 3 (over 25 years) were A's. I wasn't raised in a codie home, but for whatever reason, I have a problem realizing that I do deserve a "normal" relationship. Now I'm an RA and a recovering codie, but I realize I still have work to do on me.

What I want is someone who contributes to my life - not taking away, needing me, or someone who wants to take care of me. I'm still not there, yet, but at least when some guys have hit on me, saying "oooh, I can take GOOD care of you!" I tell them I don't NEED anyone to take care of me, and I get out of there.

So, yeah, I think it does happen to a lot of us, but the more we work on US, the better we will be.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

fedup3

I've only been divorced for 5 months so where I'm at right now might not help with the question but being single is the most sane thing I could have done for myself and the thought of someone else coming into my life down the road is of no interest to me at all, been burned way too long.

All of you can remind me of saying this some day down the road.

tabatha

iloveme- Yes getting close to others and being in a relationship will bring up a lot of things in ourselves that we may need to work on. Many things surface when we are involved with another person.

nicam

One thing I learned in therapy was I had sabotaged and left all of my former relationships with amazing, reliable, trustworthy guys because I subconsciously (and even consciously at times) felt unworthy or undeserving. It wasnt until I found an A that I held on so tightly and didn't run for the hills.

There are many nice men out there. AXBF helped me appreciate the good guys I was lucky enough to share my life with in the past. We deserve good partners, life is too short. You want someone you can enjoy and cherish life with.

soberlicious

Did you grow up with a lot of turmoil, chaos, maybe abuse? I read The Betrayal Bond:Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships (Patrick Carnes) in an effort to understand my long standing pattern of choosing to become involved with people who harm me. Some, but not all, those people have been addicted to drugs or alcohol. The type of relationships the author calls "trauma bonds" are similar to codependency, but subtly different. It's more about bonding with those who exploit you; they may not even be alcoholic/addicts. It speaks to the recreation of trauma or chaos over and over again. Those who trauma bond also are often addicted to alcohol/drugs (that was me). So to your OP(maybe it IS ME?), on some level it WAS me, in that I was subconsciously continuing a pattern, despite the fact that all those relationships were destructive. This is still the case for me many years sober "Normal" people seem boring to me, yet I talk on and on about having "no drama" when, in fact, my choices are with those in which drama is inherent. The book enlightened me quite a bit, and I have much work to do in this area. Don't know if it will be helpful in your situation, but thought I'd throw it out there.

justjo

Maybe it is me?

I dont know how many times I have said that to myself over the years. One thing I do know though, is that when I say that - I use it to my advantage now and think hard and long about what I need to do or think about or change.

I use to use it as my 'pity party' song but as Ive grown I realize its time for me to face or understand 'something'

Love to you JJ

iloveme

Well,

I suppose that you all have certainly given me some things to think about here!!! Thank you for the advice.

Michelle.

wicked

This is exactly my struggle right now, unless I am in some sort chaos, I will make some.
So, at least we recognize the problem right?
One step at a time.

Beth

Uhh, what is the next step?

dollydo

Sometimes women come on as being needy...right up many mens alley...they look for a weak needy woman to control.

Impurrfect

(((wicked))) - ((Beth)) - OMG, are you my twin? Over 20 years ago, I had a coworker tell me I had problems with "M&Ms - men and money". Sad fact is that he was right. If there wasn't chaos in one, or both issues, I MADE chaos! I was the queen of self-sabotage.

Good news is, after spending a few years on here, I've come to abhor chaos. I still haven't yet dealt with the "men" part, but with money, I've gotten WAY better! I can only pray that by the time I decide to venture to the "men" part, my list of what I DON'T want will weed out the ones who make that list I do know that when a guy says "I got you babe" I head for the hills.


(((iloveme))) - as you can see, you're in good company. Some of us have conquered the self-doubts, some are still in the process.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

tabatha

The sad part about it is that I don't even recognize when I'm creating the chaos until it's way beyond what it should be. There must be signs somewhere but I haven't been able to see all of them yet. It's like I need a voice somewhere to say "Knock it off-can't you see what you're doing?" I suppose that voice is ours at some point when our full awareness kicks in. Part of it may come from just plain boredom and not knowing how to bring healthy excitement into our lives in lieu of destructive adrenaline type crap.

bluoval

I believe this approach will serve you well in the future.

Willybluedog

After getting out of a horrible marriage to a cheating, verbally and physically abusive, narcisistic woman I did not know what to do, my therapist told me I was a drama junkie.

When we were together we were once of those couples who fought hard, drank, hard, made up hard, it was always at 110% whether it was good or bad.

I get into a relationship with a "normal woman" I don't know what to do, I am bored out of my mind, how does anyone stand this, I wanted to burn down the d@mn city!

Finally I settled into a "normal peoples" relationship, no fighting, no screaming, no drunken incidents in the middle of the night, wow, this was and still is amazing!

Relationships with addicts are like random shots of chaos to your system, you don't need them, and you can absolutely live well if you never have another one.

Give yourself time to "normalize", work on yourself, and eventually you will stop pushing good people away.

laurie6781

Just like when I was told by my AA sponsor:

"You have to go to meetings, until you want to go to meetings, then you don't have to go to meetings anymore."

I was upset when I was told by my AA sponsor and my Alanon sponsor:

"You need to live ALONE, with YOURSELF, until you learn to not only LOVE but LIKE yourself. Probably will take at least a year."

Well Sheesh. Okay, a year is not so bad, I imagine I can do that (took me 3 years, rofmao). However, by continuing to live alone, work on me, go to my Alanon meetings, use what I was learning in Alanon on every one I came in contact with, ie my boss, my coworkers, clerk at the grocery store, 'snippy' clerk in Dillards, etc

And as time went on, I was getting real 'comfortable' with ME. It was great!!!! I had reached the point where I REALLY LIKED ME. Wow!

I had come to the realization that I DID NOT need a 'him' on my to feel whole. I was already whole.

That changed all the parameters of dating for this gal!!!!!!!

I was still cautious but I was comfortable enough with me to be able to say: graciously

No Thank You

Gee that sounds like fun

Yes I would like to do that

Well, let's go for coffee and see how it goes

Whenever I was asked for a date.

Maybe you need more time with YOU.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Willybluedog

Yay Laurie, you did it, you recovered the treasure (you) from the cave filled with demons (not normal people), you are the Indiana Jones of your own recovery, yay!!!! So proud of you.