alcoholic husband

Old 12-27-2011, 08:31 AM
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I'm not sure the best way to post on here if I should add new ones or just reply to this one but here it is...he didn't lose his temper with the kids last night but of course he was just drunk and irritating. He had a friend over who was in town for the holidays and they drank together. Later on he decides to talk about the affair I had a few months ago and how he's paranoid everyone knows and talking about it. After he found out about my affair he felt like it was his own drunk fault and we've been trying to work it out. He knows how I feel about his drinking and the way he treats the kids but he isn't trying hard enough. Then last night he just says to me he's sorry he's not a good husband before going to bed and sorry he's not more interesting and asks me if I plan to stay up all night. Now he has taken the kids to McDonalds to give me some alone time...I'm sure he will buy beer on the way home.
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Old 12-27-2011, 08:31 AM
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Old 12-27-2011, 08:45 AM
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Ok so usually my husband has to work Christmas morning and we open presents the night before but this year he didn't have to work in the morn so Santa came and at 3 a.m. the kids got up and opened all their presents without us! Husband was sleeping in the living room as usual still drunk from the day before and slept through it all! He woke me up and said well hope you didn't want to see the kids open their presents...it's all over. I was upset and told them they should've waited for us. They used scissors and knives to open boxes all the while their father was sleeping. I was tired and told them to go back to bed and my son was trying to get his D's put away and his dad came up to him and screamed at him and squeezed his arms so hard our son was screaming and crying that it hurt...MerryChristmas! He never apologizes and acts like all is fine when we had to go over to his sisters house to celebrate...I want to tell them what he does but I'm scared to. I have already told his dad what I felt before but he either didn't care or he doesn't believe me and my husband blames it on my PMS!!
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Old 12-27-2011, 11:51 AM
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Yep he's drinking now and has the day off...
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Old 12-27-2011, 12:44 PM
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Originally Posted by TCB5568 View Post
my son was trying to get his D's put away and his dad came up to him and screamed at him and squeezed his arms so hard our son was screaming and crying that it hurt...MerryChristmas! He never apologizes and acts like all is fine
This could have been the last straw. I guarantee this little guy will always remember THIS moment ON THIS particular Christmas morning. Time to tell him that if he touches them again you will call the police. Tell him he needs help. Tell him to pick on someone his own size and get him a big stand up/blowup clown to punch to get your point across. IF your response is ... No way... he would hurt/ or kill me if I said or did that. Then it really is time to get police involved ... isn't it? IS this the dream you had for yourself when you were dating this man? Didn't think so. HE needs help. He may or may not come around. Tell him you want to give it several, maybe 6 months... away from him. The kids need to be safe. They deserve it and so do you. When you mentioned him grabbing his arm like that and bringing your son to tears, it reminded me of my XABF that used to grab my wrists and squeeze so hard I thought they would break. HE would squeeze and push until I was on the floor, on my knees. HE was never sorry either. (but doesn't that sound horrible?) It was, and degrading. I realize now he was beating me down emotionally and physically. THAT it what your husband is doing to your kids. I promise you if you don't get mad... YOUR kids will.... IT may stew in them for years and years though, and like I said before, affect their ability to maintain adult relationships. TEACH them what you believe to be your truth. NOW... don't wait. SPEAK YOUR TRUTH.

p.s. NOT surprised you had an affair sweetie. Good god. You were starving for love.

Last edited by Seren; 01-19-2012 at 05:56 PM.
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Old 12-27-2011, 03:52 PM
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(((((TCB5568)))))

my son was trying to get his D's put away and his dad came up to him and screamed at him and squeezed his arms so hard our son was screaming and crying that it hurt...MerryChristmas! He never apologizes and acts like all is fine when we had to go over to his sisters house to celebrate...I want to tell them what he does but I'm scared to. I have already told his dad what I felt before but he either didn't care or he doesn't believe me and my husband blames it on my PMS!!
This is the STRAW that broke the Camel's back. Print this out and take it with you. Gather your children and get all of you to the nearest Domestic Violence Center, NOW.

Please protect you and your babies.

Does your son have bruise???? He should if his are was squeezed hard enough to make him scream. Show them the bruises.

Your H is ESCALATING and it is only going to get worse. Protect you and those precious children.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Last edited by Seren; 01-19-2012 at 05:56 PM.
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Old 12-27-2011, 05:26 PM
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My son does not have any bruises but it was red for a while... I let him get back up after husband was half asleep on couch and Honestly I was scared to make a big deal out of it and that was 2 days ago now...
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Old 12-27-2011, 05:51 PM
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Hello TCB5568, and pleased to "meet" you

Originally Posted by TCB5568 View Post
... I was scared to make a big deal out of it and that was 2 days ago now...
No worries, you are perfectly right in being scared and not wanting to make a big deal of it. The last thing you want is to get your husband upset and have him act any worse than he already does.

I sent you a PM earlier. A PM is a "Private Message", you can see it on the upper right corner of your screen. It is just below the big "SoberRecovery Community" banner, right below where it says "Your last visited...." It says "Private Messages" and if you click on those words you will see the message I sent you.

Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery

Last edited by Seren; 01-19-2012 at 05:56 PM.
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Old 12-27-2011, 07:49 PM
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My AH has been passed out since 8 p.m. I'm alone as usual with my thoughts....so just wondering if the reason I am so weak is because I grew up with alcoholic parents who finally went into treatment while I was in high school. The first time was just my dad and then both of them went again later. My dad passed away of cancer about 7 years ago and my mom drinks alone now at night. My parents weren't overly abusive but maybe slightly neglectful...seems how I was sexually abused by an Uncle. Now I'm extra cautious with my 6 yr. Old lil girl and my 1 1/2 yr. Old baby girl. My AH tells our son that all women are stupid and even tells our daughter to get her hands out of his pockets and u women always trying to steal my money! He calls our kids dumb asses and idiots....
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Old 12-27-2011, 08:38 PM
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TCB5568, if I knew that an animal(s) was treated the way you have described by your husband, I would alert authorities yesterday to make sure they were removed from the abusive owner.

While you may begin realizing why you may be feeling "weak" to act, you are their Mother and are responsible for their well being. This is NOT about you, it is everything about being 'the' responsible parent and doing what is best for them physically and emotionally. The time to act is NOW.

Maybe one day your husband (?) will go to rehab. If he does yeehaw, yippee all all that jazz, but the damage is not only done, but continues to be done to your children.

Last edited by Seren; 01-19-2012 at 05:57 PM.
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Old 12-27-2011, 09:52 PM
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What a drunken bully!...God bless and help those children. I lived thru a childhood of abuse...I wish my mother had saved me!
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Old 12-27-2011, 09:57 PM
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Hi TCB5568,

I think it would be helpful to talk to someone on the phone and receive some crisis intervention. There is a hot line number in the links below. It is hard to see things clearly when you are in crisis and survival mode. Sometimes you need help from others who can look at it from an outside perspective who are professionals and who don't have strong reactions to your situation. Please call the hotline and let us all know what they suggest.

Help for Parents | Childhelp

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline | Childhelp

Last edited by Seren; 01-19-2012 at 05:57 PM.
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Old 12-27-2011, 10:07 PM
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i lived through a childhood of abuse. my childhood was very fearful and sad, we were always unsure of when the next eruption would occur. the lie we had to tell ourselves was that it was normal, we were bad, and we deserved it. obviously this set me and my sibling up for a life of hardship, one i am now beginning to take some responsibility for in recovery.

you know it's abusive. you have the ability to make it better for your kids now. i hope you can find the help and strength for yourself and do that.
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Old 12-28-2011, 09:57 AM
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HOW are you?

TCB5568, How are you... I was thinking about your situation, it must be so hard to be the "hidden glue" in your family. keep reading this forum. It will give you strength and support. HUGS to you.

Last edited by Seren; 01-19-2012 at 05:57 PM.
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Old 12-28-2011, 10:11 AM
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Thank you Ellensburg for your support...It is hard especially when my AH wakes up and wants me to go to bed with him and cuddle...after he's been passed out for 4 hours! And he wonders why I'm "not in the mood" ha ha
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Old 12-28-2011, 10:18 AM
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Originally Posted by TCB5568 View Post
...seems how I was sexually abused by an Uncle. Now I'm extra cautious with my 6 yr. Old lil girl and my 1 1/2 yr. Old baby girl. My AH tells our son that all women are stupid and even tells our daughter to get her hands out of his pockets and u women always trying to steal my money! He calls our kids dumb asses and idiots....

TCB5568

If you stay in this situation you will be duplicating the same experience for your children that you endured as a child. You state that although your parents were not abusive, but they were neglectful since they didn't protect your from an abuser in the family. Sound familiar?

Also, your husband and his hatred of women is victimizing your daughters AND your son! He is teaching that women mean nothing and are worthless and are to be abused. How is this any different than what your uncle perpetrated against you?

Your son deserves to be protected as much as your daughters. Studies show that the messages your son is being taught by his father are how abusers and perpetrators are made. Do you want to someday see your son treat women the way your husband treats women? Do you want your daughters to grow up to marry abusers or become neglectful mothers? Stay in this situation and I can guarantee it will happen.

PLEASE get to a dv shelter for help. There are many women who are dealing with what your are dealing with. They can give you counseling (along with your kids) and help you get a plan in place for leaving. You DON'T have to live this way and neither do your children!

Last edited by Seren; 01-19-2012 at 05:58 PM.
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Old 12-28-2011, 10:55 AM
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TCB5568,
I am glad that you came here for help, for someone to listen and vent to and to understand. I would imagine that a lot of people here have been through what you are going through. They have had to protect their children from abuse, just like you want to do. I hope you have been able to talk to someone in domestic abuse counselling.

Colette made a very good observation, in that what happened to you as a child, is happening to your children, only worse. Your parents did not make you feel as special and precious as you deserved to feel, and they did not protect you from sexual abuse. maybe they did not know. it happens. it happened to me too. my folks did not know that a nasty uncle by marriage was fondling the children in the family. my folks were alcoholics too, and focused on themselves.

my mom was abusive verbally to us little girls. she called my sh**-ass" more than she called me by name. i have very low self esteem due to that. I feel less than others deep inside. like i am not special, not valuable, not important, even tho I know better , it is deep inside and I have to fight those feelings of being inferior all the time.

your sweet children do not deserve to be called names, touched roughly, or pulled off of the sofa by their legs. you say he does not mean to do this. i disagree, with respect . he appears to have a need to abuse, and since he has gotten away with it so far, who knows how much more violent he might get? he might "accidentally" cause one of them to hit their head, cause damage, maybe death. i dont want to seem mean, but I have seen abusers pick on children, and it is a real sickness. I do not believe for a minute that it is alcohols fault, but it gives him courage to do what he seems driven to do-take out his angers on his own children-child abuse.

Please, do what you must to protect them. they will never forget these things, and they will wonder why you did not keep this from happening. i would not listen to anything that he says, no excuses. he has no excuse. who could hurt a child? only monsters, and it is only a matter of time before he really hurts one of them very seriously. it does happen. every day. by parents.

He sounds very sick and angry. personally, i would not want to see them alone with their father. i would not trust him. kids are not replaceable, and neither is their childhood joy.

there is a way out TCB5568. it will take courage and planning. you have shown great courage to come here, and talk about this. we are here for you and will help all we can. life can be so much better for you and your children. no wonder they did not wake dad up on Christmas morning. things are better when he is not "there". a child should not live in fear. my heart breaks for you and for them. You can get advice on what to do, i am not professional, but I know that you need to be safe.

prayers for you and the children. keep them safe mom.

Last edited by Seren; 01-19-2012 at 05:59 PM.
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Old 12-28-2011, 11:09 AM
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TCB5568,

:ghug3 hugs for all of you.
You are not weak SM! I grew up the same way, quietly tip toeing around the eggshells.
Try to look at it as training for this moment, years of coddling and avoiding the drunk one (in your case) both of them in order to get some peace.
Remember how you felt (yes, it will hurt, but you can take it) and ask yourself
"Do I want this for my children?" I am pretty sure the answer is no.
I had numbed myself early in life, and forgot that my children were not numb.
You can do this TCB5568.
All you need is inside of you.
You do not have to live like this anymore. Help is out there, and people that help are happy when you ask for it. There is some social worker, or domestic violence counselor or an AlAnon that needs you and wants you to call, so they can hear your voice.

Beth

(PS, I hope this makes sense, I was emotional, and sometimes I ramble a little).

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Old 12-28-2011, 12:26 PM
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It's alcoholic manipulation-making him think you are over-reacting, or that it's your fault somehow. He belongs in jail. If anyone, ANYONE, ever did these things to my kids I surely wouldn't be sitting there wondering what to do about it. It's unacceptable. One day something worse will happen. Then it will be too late.
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Old 12-28-2011, 05:22 PM
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How's it going TCB5568?
Thinking of you, and hoping you are ok.
we are here, if you just want to talk. almost anytime, someone is here

hugs
chicory

Last edited by Seren; 01-19-2012 at 06:00 PM.
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