vujade

Some days I feel I have the world on a string, my head in a good place and that my heart is full. However, the past three days have sucked it all out of me and right now, with my little boy sleeping next to me, tears are streaming down my face. I am suffering a major relapse. In hindsight, when I look over my list of You're-Heading-Toward-A-Relapse-Woman symptoms, I can check them all off. Drat that I didn't look at it sooner. Drat that I fell back into the spiraling pit. Drat that I didn't block the calls. Drat that I walked right into the arguments...or chased after them, rather. Drat.

So, I'm in the middle of a nice little codependent bender and I don't know how to deal with this on Christmas Eve. I have two little boys who are excited about Christmas and need their mommy to put her best smile on her face. My first thought was to fake it til I feel it but my heart is in pieces and it seems impossible. Any other day, I'd have some options for addressing this...but the holidays limit those (no meetings) and I have gifts to wrap and cookies to bake and people to see.

Please give me some thoughts on finding peace right now. I'm so at a loss.

shakeel

I would look at the positive side of the issue. it's christmas eve and you are next to your kids, could have been worst, at least you are there with your family still. We've all been there, where you are right now. it's not the end of the world, before you know it,you will get back on track. it's the holidays and many people relapse, don't beat urself up. enjoy the holidays wether sober or drunk. and after christmas get back on the waggon and try to come to the chat room before you let your addiction take the best of you. I had a desire to drink today, came out of no where, I came here and shared with someone in the chatroom who been sober for 8 years, he helpêd me get this thing off of me and I feel fine. Like I said get off the pity pot, don't beat yourself up, it's nothing, wrap the gifts sleep a little early and enjoy christams with your kids and family, you are lucky and have a merry christmas.

vujade

Thanks so much for replying, NIC! I am so glad to hear that you got some very timely support on the boards to help you get through a tough moment. SR is a wonderful place!

I appreciate your reminder about gratitude - its always good to keep it at the forefront. I am CRAZY thankful for my family and friends and that little boy laying next to me is one of the two most important people in my life. I'm actually not at risk of drinking but instead am trying to keep myself together in light of my RAB's alcoholic relapse. I'm trying to get through the anger of him deserting me on the 22nd of December...leaving me to wrestle with my breaking heart, questions from my children & family, gifts that won't be given, time that won't be spent together. Sadly, I'm on the receiving end of the bad decisions of someone who did not have the strength in the moment that you found today.

Thank you for finding that strength today, NIC. It helps my heart to know that there are people working their recovery program successfully. I hope you have a wonderful holiday...you've given yourself and your family an amazing gift.

m1k3

I'm so sorry this is happening. ((((HUGS))))

When that happens to me I do to things. One is I go into Just For Today mode. Pick a just for today recovery tool to focus on and then I focus on it. The second thing I do is force myself to smile and to look for things to smile about. Mind and body are connected and when I make myself smile I often find that my mind will follow along. Often not willingly at first but my attitude does change.

I'm sending prayers and strength today. I have extra so use as much as you want.

Your friend,

Seren

Well, you don't need to be Miss Mary Sunshine while you bake and wrap....and I love to do both of those things, I find them to be very meditative.

Maybe think about those wonderful little ones, how grateful that you have gifts to wrap when so many do not. That you have cookies to bake and decorate......

I have always found that if I stay in the "right here, right now", then things will get better, and my mind will settle down.

Many hugs and prayers...Merry Christmas!!!

Tuffgirl

Falling off the wagon sucks, eh? Did it myself this week. Got caught in a bout of nastiness with the RAH, and instead of walking off simply saying "I am not going to allow you to speak to me this way", I walked off saying "F**K YOU A*****E!" Oh well. It happens!

To turn my thinking around, I worked on my gratitude list. And read others here in the Gratitude forum. Works like a charm. This area in my life may not be great, but everything else is! So that must mean I am doing something right somewhere, ya know?!

Merry Christmas to you and your boys, Vujade.

vujade

Thank you, friends! Wonderful things to help turn my thinking around. The hardest times are when it is quiet and you have too much time and space to dig around in your own head. While the boys were still sleeping, I indulged in pain instead of seeking out joy.

So - just for today, I will be happy. I will seek out only the things that bring happiness and won't go looking for the contact that I know will cause me pain.

Thank you, friends. I am so very grateful for you.

BlueMoon

life has been trying to suck joy out of me lately - when i simply cannot find the enegy any more to actually work the program, i turn on Comedy Central + pretty soon i'm LMBO at the silliness of it all this works for me especially late at night when there's no peeps available for me to connect with - just a silly thought!

Blue

Hanna

One idea is to set a 15 minute timer and then spending that time writing down everything that you are hurting over, then really wallowing in it and letting yourself fully feel all these feelings. When the bell rings, burn the list and move on with your day, focusing on the gratitude.

Willybluedog

Dear vujade,

Please focus on some simple things, are you healthy, are your children healthy, do you all have clothes, food, and shelter.

I battle chronic pain from an auto accident, on bad days I have to focus all my energy on what I do have, I have bully away the pain, anger, and depression.

I am alive, I can walk to my mailbox, our bills are paid, my kids are good kids, our cars run without fail, our roof doesn't leak (our basement does but that's no biggie).

Everything I have is because God saved my life that day in 2007, he has a purpose for me, I don't know what it is yet, but I am going to do my best until my time is up.

You are a good person, there are so many people who care about you and your children, and you will get through this just like you have every time it has happened before.

I am here for you, you need a hug or some propping up you just let me know.

Merry Christmas to you and your family, big hugs to all of you.

Bill

sprman24

Loosing a boyfriend, husband and father, before christmas is hard. If he is an Alcoholic or not. Its just heartbreaking and tough.
But like others say, u can be so happy u have to little people in your house, they love u and you love them. I wish many times I would have that. I am spending Christmas alone this year, because my ABF relpased this week.
But I know, there are people out there, they can't afford to buy gifts, they are might out on the streets, totally hopeless, sick and old people. I always find others they have it worse.
Count ur blessing and be happy u are not alone and u can share christmas with ur kids.

Hugs