seekerofsanity

I guess I need another vent...tonight my bf is giving me a really hard time, because I wouldn't "let' him buy beer. I tell him I don't want him to drink everyday, sometimes he listens, sometimes he doesn't. When he does, I have to deal with his attitude all night, and be made to feel like a naggy, controlling, piece of crap. He will be aggressive all night, snapping at everyone for every little thing, and saying he's just in a really bad mood, and I "know why" (the why is because he couldn't drink) Ugh I'm so sick of having to deal with this. He lays it all on me, I am just so controlling and mean and can't let him be happy and relax. grr.

nicam

So sorry you are going through this.

I don't think peace and serenity are attainable when living with an active A, and many partners still do not find these things even after their A's recover.

lillamy

Seeker,

This is probably not what you want to hear, but you can't control his drinking.
And you see it yourself: When you try, you either succeed temporarily or you fail.
Either way, YOU are miserable.

Do you want to babysit this man for the rest of your life? Do you want to feel like this for the rest of your life? Serenity, for you, starts with YOU. You can't make him stop drinking -- but you can make your life less miserable.

Lots of hugs. It's a difficult situation to be in, when you're working yourself sick trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

You've probably gotten this advice a lot here -- Al-Anon. Lifesavers. They won't teach you how to make him stop drinking. They'll teach you how to find a way to live regardless of the choices he makes for himself.

TakingCharge999

seekerofsanity

Perhaps he is nagging now but what comes next? I can say what comes next: emotional abuse. And next? physical abuse. Maybe against walls or objects. And next? against you.

Well that was my experience (fortunately I left before it got physical) and the experiences I have read in 2 years in this forum.

It can take decades to develop or it can take one minute to the other, no way to "control" the escalation of violence, in my view disturbing your sleep is already abusive, he is affecting your health and well being.

Of course, it could be that it goes no further than this, but are you willing to risk it...?

Where is your boundary? don't you deserve peaceful nights of sound sleep?

Hugs

seekerofsanity

thank you everyone for the replies. Day to day is struggle when you are living with someone who has completely different needs and values than your own. I was just frustrated last night and I feel completely drained emotionally in general. I am grateful to have found a safe place to voice my frustration as i do not have friends or family here to talk to.

Willybluedog

Dear seeker,

So sorry for everything you are going through, please know I will be there to listen, also if you need some propping up or a hug I will be there for that also.

Is there a safe place in your home that you can escape to, when I was in a verbally abusive relationship I made my own space, I locked the door, turned on the music, put on the headphones and blocked out my ex and all her mean rants and negative energy, if it got too bad I went to the park.

When things got really bad I went to a local shrine, I prayed for guidance and lit a candle, the peacefulness of the place allowed me to dive back into the sea of negativity.

Hope everything works out for you, you will be in my thoughts.

Bill

seekerofsanity

There isn't a place I can go to for alone time. I used to take walks to the nearby park in the evening when it became too much but it's not as safe as it used to be, plus the weather here is pretty severe in the winter. I usually use the time when my bf is gone to work and my son is at school to recuperate but it's the holiday break so both are home more often. thanks for the words of encouragement.