Boundaries Lost

Old 12-26-2011, 06:06 AM
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Boundaries Lost

Well I had read several books on codependency, self image, alcoholism, etc and was all geared up for being strong this holiday. But we went to her family's place, out-of-state, and it was three days of family drinking, late nights and personal migraines. I was the defacto designated enabler/driver. (It's so nice to be needed!) Maybe I OD'd on H2O but I just don't get it... when she gets drunk, I get the migraines! At least this time she waited to get back to where we were staying before passing out.

She suggested to me, on the way home last night, that maybe I shouldn't be with her if I didn't like her getting drunk. Sure...that's right! I shouldn't be with her. But but I'm emotionally invested in this 15 year relationship and I like her and her family. It's the damn drinking that is miserable. She had blackouts each night and she forgot things she did in just five minutes. But no one else in the family who sees this behavior seems to care or think it's a problem. Well, at least there were no fights or arguments this weekend.

This is going to be a difficult year coming up.
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Old 12-26-2011, 06:17 AM
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Originally Posted by NeverQuit View Post
She suggested to me, on the way home last night, that maybe I shouldn't be with her if I didn't like her getting drunk.
I'm so very sorry to say this, but she is definitely telling you the truth here.

I know I have thought so many times the "if you would only stop drinking/drugging, things would be great!"

It's just not that simple for someone with addiction. She will change her behavior only if and when SHE wants to change.

I finally learned that when it comes to my addicted family members, I don't have to continue subjecting myself to the pain of watching their self-destructive actions. I don't have to spend my life cleaning up after them, making sure they are safe, making sure they feel no consequences of their actions. That's not my job....and it's not yours either.

I can protect my peace and my serenity and not feel guilty about what my loved one's own choices are doing to them. I did not cause the addiction, I cannot control the addict, and I cannot cure the addiction. I'm just not that powerful.

You, too, can learn to be happy again whether or not she is drinking.
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Old 12-26-2011, 09:48 AM
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Hydrogirl said it perfectly......

You will never be able to change your wife and her family but you can change yourself. I strongly recommend Al-anon... wonderful support during hard times like this.
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Old 12-26-2011, 10:03 AM
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I spent 33 years doing that until I finally had enuf. For me it was letting him know that I would be moving if he didn't get help. I was prepared to do it. I left for a week during which I left him alone with his addiction and came back to let him know I was prepared to leave unless/until he was sober. My health, my emotions, my very life depended on my getting away from his alcohol. I was fortunate in that he was willing to get that help. I stand by my willingness to leave to this day. I can no longer live the life he was chasing. He has been sober for 6 weeks.
I lean on the posts here for a lot of support. I meditate and examine myself anytime my depression starts poking me. I have a hope for a future with him for the first time in 20 years. That time has been lost by my unwillingness to see or set boundaries. I put up with the drinking until I lost myself in a morass of depression and co-dependency. I have no idea where I finally came up with the ability to say enuf. I wish we had found sobriety many years ago, but that time is passed and I only have the future.
I hope you find your answers before 30 years of regret find you. Hugs!
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Old 12-26-2011, 10:14 AM
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NeverQuit, say what you mean, and mean what you say. I know that sounds simple but if you are going to make boundaries what will you do when they are crossed? For years I tried setting boundaries but never backed what I said until my health was totally in the toilet that I finally made a stand and he never believed it until the day we were divorced and he was stunned because he never thought I would go ahead with it, sad huh? Please don't let yourself get to the point where you start going downhill especially with your health because it won't stop her drinking.
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Old 12-26-2011, 11:32 AM
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Neverquit. Sorry to hear you are going through what you are. I invested 8 years, which isn't that much compared to you, but I understand. If you aren't happy, you need to do what makes you happy. I didn't have an option, but I'm starting to see that things are a lot clearer without having to deal with someone whose main happiness revolves around getting drunk. Hang in there and take care of yourself.
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Old 12-26-2011, 09:42 PM
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Thank you all for your support and for your wise advice. It helps to hear your experiences and to know that there is support here. I still have a very long road ahead. Many thanks!
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Old 12-27-2011, 07:10 AM
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NeverQuit-

I started to "get" boundaries better when I realized they were for me, and me only.

It also helped me once I got this to realize that I did not have any control over everyone else.

For example I had to put a boundary in place that I was not going to participate in activities that were typical places my loved one got drunk (parties, dinner etc). Prior to that I drove seperate vehicles so I could always leave (which was also a boundary).

Other "boundaries" were me trying to control. I had to let those go.
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