Ellensburg

I have officially hit bottom with him now. As I type I feel horrible, just gotta get through tonight. (I want to drink so I can sleep.) The old "me" would have never drank to sleep. I have learned so many disgusting habits from him. Tonight he choked me for about 10 seconds and pushed me back against the window, in the car. saying ' if you ever touch me again you f***in bitch i will f***-in kill you." Now get the hell out of here.

At the time we were sitting in my car waiting to go into his work christmas party. He just continued to yell while I told him how upset I was that I didn't get invited out for a drink after work (again) I get left out a lot lately. I just wanted him to know it hurt my feelings, when I finally got caught with them, they left the bar as I was pulling in, and he couldn't understand why I would feel hurt about that. (I was all dressed up for the xmas party right after, was on my way, and after he hesitated to invite me and told me to just meet him later at the party, he said he felt "bad" so decided to invite me. I just ended up feeling-well, stupid I guess. ) When I met him at the party we argued in the car, and he choked me, I lost some skin, but he didn't make me gasp, just squeezed really hard for a while. BUT it didn't scare me. OH NO! MISS CODEPENDENT wanted to go talk to him, and make it right. haha!Can you believe that???? SO stupid. LUCKILY I never found him. Came home. Called my mom, Boohooed to her. She made me promise to not see him ever again. I have to keep that promise now. I cannot cave again. I should not have slapped him, but I felt so crazy and out of control. I just wanted him to hear me. NOW I get to remember his last words to me... They will echo in my head whenever I think I might miss him.

TakingCharge999

1 800 799 SAFE (7233) DV Hotline
National Domestic Violence Hotline

Even if you keep your No contact plan, which I believe is GREAT, I would gently advise to call the line and mention what you told us here. I know you are strong but what you describe is abuse and is trauma, and even if it is the past now (and I hope the last time you ever face this kind of situation) those people can give you resources/support from now on.

I am Mexican and I wish there were such hotlines here. Its often a joke and there is much ridicule and lack of help to anyone abused. Please, use the resources that you have. You do not have to do this alone.

Let us know how you are doing ((Hugs))

PS I like your mom.

dollydo

You both have issues, and it probably would be best if you ended the relationship for good.

Have you attended Alanon meetings? Read CoDependent No More? How about anger management classes?

Work on you, the sooner the better, your issues will not just go away when he does and...listen to your mother, she is thinking with her head, not her heart.

posiesperson

I have a relative whose husband did this, and of course it escalated. Eventually he broke her femur. She kept saying she believed that he would stop, that she loved him so much she had to keep going back, that she was addicted to him. She finally divorced him. A few months later, in front of the children he had had with her, he showed up at her house and shot her and her boyfriend multiple times.

Please get some professional help so that you can counteract the powerful feelings that can motivate someone to return to an abuser.

He's in jail, BTW, for the next 30 years, no possibility of parole.

And miraculously, she lived. But they aren't odds I'd be willing to take.

posie

Willybluedog

Ellen,

Don't have any advice to add, I will say a prayer for you, just know, you are not alone and you deserve better, if you ever want to talk I will be here.

Bill

Kindeyes

The scary thing about bottoms is that there are often multiple bottoms....for both the addict and the codependent. Why? Because we humans want to believe that there is hope that things will get better. But they don't get better when two people are sick.

Until we (as codependents) realize that our behaviors are just as sick as the addict's behaviors, we keep going back and repeating the same thing over and over and over again. Different scenarios, same dance.

I truly hope that this is your bottom so that you can move on to a relationship that is healthy.

You will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

NYCDoglvr

You don't have to stay with this person but it's your choice. You do not deserve this terrible treatment. God bless...

akrasia

You don't deserve this, and you're not alone. I hope you reach out for some help.

amy55

IDK. Ellen, I got like that also at points. I tried so hard to try to get him to understand things, and at points I just lost it. At that time, I no longer cared if he killed me, and I would sort of provoke it by slapping him.

I actually would have preferred him hitting me, compared to what he was doing to me, it just meant that the fight might end sooner.

Don't go to the places I went to, I did survive, you may not, and NO, YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS.

I'm so sorry, I bet when you went out to go to that Christmas Party, you tried to look the best that you could, so he would not do this, then you just got crushed. I've been there.

Also, REMEMBER, he will never hear you, I waited for 26 years for my ex to hear me, if he heard me, then he would have to look at himself, he wasn't about to do that.

((((((((((((((Many Hugs))))))))))))))))

DMC

Strangulation (what he did to you, not choking) is a felony offense in many of the states, and a strong indicator of future lethality.

I don't know the laws in Canada, but this is a big deal in many of the states.
Run and don't look back... and expect him to come crawling back, minimizing what happened and making you look like the crazy one, all the while professing his undying love.

Be strong and good luck,
D

Ellensburg

Yes I did dress to the nines just to hear a compliment, instead i got punished for speaking my mind. I feel so much hate today. It is the first day of fresh start. I haven't heard from him since I saw him in my car last night. I expect to hear something in the next week, but I refuse to ever talk to him again. I promised my mom. I feel weak nonetheless, but the promise I made to her I MUST keep. I believe her when she said I must run run run. I know she is speaking logically/with her head, ( I think dollydo said this) I am going to ride on her shirttail of strength for now, while I feel weak and lonely. I KNOW it will get better. I'm so glad he didn't kill me. I have three beautiful children. I also believe I must do this not only for me but for them.

Ellensburg

Yes I have a therapist I just started seeing as I felt I was headed to a dark place with him. I felt empowered when I left his office, THAT was 2 weeks ago, I should have went again last week. I didn't put myself first (or my kids) and make the time. I have sent an email for appt. Thank-you for your words.
P.S.
Listening to my mom. No doubt about it.

amy55

Again, many hugs. You did nothing to cause that, you did your best to try to make the night different. I'm sorry, but he has more issues than alcoholism. Alcoholism alone does not make you abusive, and from what you say, I can see that he is.

I agree with your Mom, run, run, run, as fast as you can.

I stayed as long as I did because I listened to my heart instead of my head. I was going to leave him 10 years before I did, but then I was diagnosed with cancer, he was ok during that time, but as soon as I recovered, he went at it stronger than ever before. I became paralyzed with fear. Just run, I wish you the best.

amy55

I remember the last words that I thought my ex would ever speak to me. I went into the garage to have a cigarette, he was working at home at that time, he followed me, he started cursing at me, I left the garage and went to go into the front door of the house, he followed me. I got inside the front door, he was right behind me, he started screaming at me, you effing ugly witch, he got right up in my face, 2 inches away, I flinched, he started screaming at me, "Did you think I was going to hit you"? I couldn't reply, I ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom. He kicked the door open, and said, "I can't believe that you would think that I would hit you".

And here he was now, holding me, cuddling me....... And still I stayed another 9 years. That's when when my PTSD started.

It got worse after that, I didn't hit him until we were married 22years, he already hit me, and kicked me at least 5 times.

Just run....................................

nicam

Ellen, you are making the right decision to go NC. My XABF strangled me one night too, and I nearly lost consciousness. And yes, strangulation is considered a felony offense in most states for a reason!

This incident was one leading up to his supposed "rock bottom" (first of many) and prompted him to go to rehab/sober living for 6 months. I took him back because he got sober. I thought it was the drugs 100%. It seem SO insane to me now that I would stay with someone who did this to me, addiction or no addiction.

As soon as he got out of sober living he began binge drinking, coke, cheating, and other addictions. Also, the abuse never stopped. I can't tell you how close I came to not surviving, how much danger I was in.

"Also, REMEMBER, he will never hear you, I waited for 26 years for my ex to hear me, if he heard me, then he would have to look at himself, he wasn't about to do that." `amy55

This is so important to accept. We stay because we think our A's will see the light, and that we will be the ones to show them. We fantasize and fantasize. We refuse to see the light ourselves, until we hit bottom, if we are lucky enough to survive.

Be strong and enjoy the people in your life that treat you with the love and respect you deserve! He is abusive at this point, and that will only get worse...

amy55

Need to add this

After years and years of this, I started drinking, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't deal with the depression and PTSD that this caused me, I just couldn't take it. I was hospitalized for suicidal tendency. I went to therapy, but what I needed to do was to get away from him. I wanted to kill him, I fantasized about it. That's why I left. It came down to me or him. I chose me.

Leave before it gets to that. Please. I was married, you aren't. Don't let his baggage be your baggage, and I think that I also read that you have 3 beautiful children.

I think that sometimes we stick around for validation. Your validation can be to keep your children safe.

Ellensburg

Your story makes me feel empathy for you...sad that you had to go through that for so long. I can imagine how a woman would get sucked into that AMY. I have become addicted to the extreme mania/highs, and lows. I never have just reached up and slapped anyone. BUT then again nobody has just continually yelled over me pleading and apologizing. When I did this last night I was stunned. (Even moreso when I got choked. ) The whole interaction happened so damn fast it was unbelievable! It felt traumatic to me, I must admit.. BUT I know THAT behavior was not normal for me. I have never struck my children. I never hit my husband of 13years when I was married before. I believe that i probably had a tendency to be codependent before I met him, but I became a lot worse in this tumultuous relationship. I AM taking your advice and many others on here, running.... and in the meantime, getting help. How long have you been divorced now AMY55?

bonami

I am glad you are getting help and getting away from him, Ellensburg. Like posiesperson, I know someone who was in an abusive relationship, it did not start out as physical abuse but it escalated, and it also ended tragically. I am sending you strength to do what you need to do for yourself and your children.

amy55

Hi Ellen,

I left my ex on Dec 31, 2008. My friends offered me their home, and I took it and ran. I still thought that he would finally hear me. After having a scar under my left eye, from when he threw a cup at me, continuous back back, from when he threw me to the floor and kicked me, and an indentation on my forehead from when he punched me, I still thought that he would hear me. And those where just the visible bruises. I have many others that healed. He went to an attorney on our anniversary on 7/16/2009 and filed for a divorce, because "how can you have a relationship, if you are not together"?

He never heard me, he never saw me, I wasn't a person to him. I guess I was actually lucky that he did not kill me.

I did not raise a hand to my ex till we were married for 22 years, but he raised his to me many times. It was when I started fighting back when he got worse, he knew he couldn't control me anymore. I became stronger, and he became even more violent.

Was it the alcohol, or was it his personality? Didn't matter, it became one and the same. He no longer needed to be drunk to hit me. He no longer needed to be drunk to abuse me. He no longer needed to be drunk to ignore me.

He then started to disappear for weeks at a time, and come back and he expected everything to be over, after all, we didn't fight for the last few weeks.

I developed PTSD, and to this day, I jump when a phone rings.

I am now divorced one year. Away from him for 3, but the damage is still there.

PS. Yes, I did hit my ex, thank God he was afraid of the law, I could have been another statistic. If he wasn't afraid of the law, or killing himself, he would have killed me.

Ellensburg

This is day 6. I am not at all surprised that I feel like a junkie, missing her drug. My xABF is long gone, has made no attempt to reconcile. (which is good, it helps me to stick to my guns) I did receive a text message. a half hearted apology for "his actions" Good god, you choked me you A-hole, then yelled at me to get the "F-out of here" So I have thought many times about that last scene. I have also been dwelling on the last time I saw him at the bar when (45min) LATER he told me he had been home, and couldn't figure out why he "Didn't hear my phone call, It must have been in the bathroom." He insisted that night, among many others that he was just home "doing his writing, struggling with a scene....again." i of course asked NO questions, didn't tell him I had seen him standing at the bar drinking as fast as he could. These last two vivid memories help me to KNOW for a SURETY that my life is better without the violence, lies, chaos, and the once or twice or week he would show up drunk, ready to fight, not to mention walking around on eggshells hoping I wouldn't say the wrong thing.
But yet... when bedtime comes, I miss cuddling and kissing. UGH... I know this too shall pass. BUT WHEN... Soon I hope (still feeling codependent I guess... little scared to be alone.) Any tips, advice???