I'm New - Need Advice Now

Old 12-21-2011, 11:00 AM
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I'm New - Need Advice Now

I'm sorry if this is not the right forum for this or if this question has been asked, but I really don't know what to do.

My husband and I just got married a few months ago and relapsed after two sober years last night and the other night. We have been together for 11 years where his family and I saw him fall hard a few times. I broke up with him for a year and it was then that he put in all his effort to become sober. Over 2 years ago, he hit his rock bottom after being hospitalized and tried to kill himself with his withdrawal medication and pain relievers. He attended rehab, got serious about sobering up and did so well for 2 straight years until the other night. He seemed like a brand new person, our relationship was better than ever so we decided it was the right time to finally get married, he just landed the job of his dreams this month and he was solid and okay with being around alcohol without finding it difficult. He even became a mentor to family friends that were dealing with alcoholism and just seemed to be moving forward and was so open about not drinking.

Well, he had some beers the other night and ignored all of my calls. He called the next morning and said he slipped, knew he had to be more aggressive, attend meetings again and knew he had so much going on that he couldn't let that happen again. Last night he drank again with his new bosses claiming he had to do it to be successful. I haven't heard from him since, he hasn't come home and I have no idea where he is. He tends to be defensive and embarassed, which results to him ignoring me. I didn't go to work because in the past, he'd be so depressed with himself for drinking that he'd come home the next morning and do it again when he's alone and I was afraid of that. I don't know if I should wait around for him, which is why I'm here.

My old self would always be the one to try and get a hold of him while he was mean and defensive towards me and I would just take it because all I wanted was for him to be okay. This time around, I want to do whatever is the best approach. Can someone please help me and give me advice on how I should respond when I finally do see him? What is the best thing I can do on my end? I worry so much that he will drink himself to death if he's alone and depressed since he's done similar things before, but I don't think waiting around at home and missing work is the best thing to do here.

thank you so much.
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Old 12-21-2011, 11:14 AM
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Hi M,

There's literally nothing you can do to make the situation better or worse for him. His decision to drink had nothing to do with you and his recovery again has nothing to do with you.

Don't miss work, don't jeopardise your career.

The best thing you can do is let him make his way towards recovery again--or not.

I hope you keep reading here, and posting.
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:36 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Yes you are in the right place. We understand living with alcoholics (even if they are no longer drinking). You will find support and information for yourself here.

One of the first things I learned about my husband's alcoholism, was the three C's:

I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it

The alcoholism belongs to the addict. So do the consequences, and so does the recovery.

Have you considered attending Alanon meetings? They are free, local support groups for friends and family of alcoholics. The meetings have helped me learn life skills to better my relationship with myself, loved ones, and others.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. This is one of my favorite stickies (older, permanent posts at the top of the page). These steps helped me while living with an alcoholic:
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Old 12-21-2011, 01:55 PM
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Hello MMFDF,

All above have made excellent suggestions, IMO I would ignore him completely, I would not even raise the isuue with him, he is not a 4 year old, he is a grown man, and if he has to drink to keep this job he obviously has the wrong job for him.

Please concentrate on yourself, it certainly is not your fault that he is drinking, and you cannot love him into quitiing, yell him into quitting, or even beat him into quitting, and most likely even if you leave it will not make him quit.

I just wanted to say, please come back often, if you need to vent or talk, need to cry, or need a hug, this is the place.

I hope this works out for you, best of luck,

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Old 12-21-2011, 02:25 PM
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He is not your son, he is an adult, responsible for his own behavior. If he choses to drink, that is up to him.

What you decide is another story, what are your bounderies with him? Have you been to Alanon meetings, or, read Codependent No More? If not, I would suggest both.

Missing work for him, attempting to keep him from drinking is codependent behavior. You could sit home for a year and that is not going to stop him from drinking, it just doesn't work that way.

Take the time to read all the stickies at the top of this forum and those at the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers, addiction is addiction, there is no difference what the drug of choice is.

Keep posting, we are here for you.
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Old 12-21-2011, 05:12 PM
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This is marriage to an alcoholic. If you are going to stay with this man Alanon is your only hope for any serenity at all.

Good luck.

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Old 12-22-2011, 05:36 AM
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I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but believe me, lots of us have dealt with the same thing in one form or another. So, welcome to the family...

I want to echo what was said above: develop your OWN life. I didn't want to be alone, but I was most alone when I was in relationship with people who were not available. I found support and camaraderie in Alanon and began the slow but amazing transformation into a person I love and respect: I like ME. Your husband's journey is his own, there is nothing you can do to make that different. I know when I tried to "help" the alcoholic I ended up looking and feeling pretty d*mn insane (and that goes for "dry drunks", too)! As Pelican posted, the 3 Cs are really true: they have their path, and I have mine...

Thinking of you, and keep coming back!
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Old 12-22-2011, 06:12 AM
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sorry you're going through this.
As others have said: there is no a right thing you can do for him. Many of us have tried to do any single thing you can think of, any single approach, it doesn't work, it doesn't make a differnce, all it does is it enamshes you deeper into the madness of alcoholic life. He wins nothing and you lose so much.
All you can do is take care of yourself, protect yourself and let him fight his own battles (acctually that is the only helpful thing you can do for him).
It took me an awfuly long time to realize that, hope you get it faster.
Take care
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