How to help my friend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: atlanta
Posts: 2
How to help my friend
I'd like to share my story here, of my experiences with a friend who drinks heavily, but I wasn't sure if this was the right place. I won't name names of course, but I'd really like some feedback and peoples insight from those who have been there before. Is this the right place to share something like that?
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome bdp31770, so glad you have found us.
This is a place to vent, share your stories, come for a lift, a hug, or a laugh or two. We are here to support you and tell you how we have dealt with the same kind of issues in our lives without being judgemental or preachy.
Looking forward to hearing your story,
Bill
This is a place to vent, share your stories, come for a lift, a hug, or a laugh or two. We are here to support you and tell you how we have dealt with the same kind of issues in our lives without being judgemental or preachy.
Looking forward to hearing your story,
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: atlanta
Posts: 2
Thank you...here it is...
My friend and I have been friends for ten years. About once every week or two we'd meet for dinner, or to watch a game, movie, etc. All along he's been a heavy drinker.
About 5 years ago, he was drinking and driving and had a slight fender bender, not bad enough to even call the police. Then, 3 years ago, he got so drunk that he plowed into a brick mailbox, totaling his car. There were no witnesses and he ran away from the scene, miraculously avoiding any police trouble, and also insurance paid for it all.
About a year ago, he drunk drove into a car, and had a bad accident. No one was permanently injured, though an ambulance came to treat some people and he was taken away in handcuffs. The very next week I see him, he's at a pub having beers. We talk about how he needs to slow down or quit, and he acknowledges it, he doesn't fight me on that, and he drinks less than normal, and leaves, seemingly sober. What concerned me is that he's had all these bad experiences and didn't quit drinking entirely.
A week or so later we have dinner, and I tell him he may need to think about quitting...very subtle, timid advice. I told him I'm not going to care about him more than he cares about himself. When his girlfriend at the time talked to him about his drinking, he said "it took you all long enough to say something". Like it was our fault for not doing more. He does seems to be unlike most alcoholics I've read about, in that he doesnt get overly defensive, or angry when confronted, though he doesnt quit drinking. After these wrecks, he slows down for a few weeks, then it's back to full speed.
Once I saw he wasn't going to change, I started distancing myself, not meeting up with him as much. Then he got engaged and asked me to be his best man, and I told him I couldnt commit to that right now. I had just lost my father and was going through a lot. He's married now, and I haven't seen him in about 6 months. Money is tight, and I haven't been going out as much, I dont want to disown this person, though I don't want to get any more calls at 3am that he's plowed into a mailbox.
I'm not sure what to tell him, because nothing I or anyone else says or does seems to matter. He told me I'd been his best friend the last ten years, and I appreciated that, though I thought it was kind of sad too. His best friend the last ten years has been alcohol, followed closely by his demanding job (he works overtime often in a tough job, and has been able to maintain that job despite his drinking), and his next priority has been whatever girl he was chasing (he's a notorious womanizer and cheats often on his girlfriends). So I never felt like he was my best friend during this time.
I'm not sure what to do...I dont want to never speak to him, but I dont want to be his friend anymore because I think he's going to do more bad things sooner or later.
About 5 years ago, he was drinking and driving and had a slight fender bender, not bad enough to even call the police. Then, 3 years ago, he got so drunk that he plowed into a brick mailbox, totaling his car. There were no witnesses and he ran away from the scene, miraculously avoiding any police trouble, and also insurance paid for it all.
About a year ago, he drunk drove into a car, and had a bad accident. No one was permanently injured, though an ambulance came to treat some people and he was taken away in handcuffs. The very next week I see him, he's at a pub having beers. We talk about how he needs to slow down or quit, and he acknowledges it, he doesn't fight me on that, and he drinks less than normal, and leaves, seemingly sober. What concerned me is that he's had all these bad experiences and didn't quit drinking entirely.
A week or so later we have dinner, and I tell him he may need to think about quitting...very subtle, timid advice. I told him I'm not going to care about him more than he cares about himself. When his girlfriend at the time talked to him about his drinking, he said "it took you all long enough to say something". Like it was our fault for not doing more. He does seems to be unlike most alcoholics I've read about, in that he doesnt get overly defensive, or angry when confronted, though he doesnt quit drinking. After these wrecks, he slows down for a few weeks, then it's back to full speed.
Once I saw he wasn't going to change, I started distancing myself, not meeting up with him as much. Then he got engaged and asked me to be his best man, and I told him I couldnt commit to that right now. I had just lost my father and was going through a lot. He's married now, and I haven't seen him in about 6 months. Money is tight, and I haven't been going out as much, I dont want to disown this person, though I don't want to get any more calls at 3am that he's plowed into a mailbox.
I'm not sure what to tell him, because nothing I or anyone else says or does seems to matter. He told me I'd been his best friend the last ten years, and I appreciated that, though I thought it was kind of sad too. His best friend the last ten years has been alcohol, followed closely by his demanding job (he works overtime often in a tough job, and has been able to maintain that job despite his drinking), and his next priority has been whatever girl he was chasing (he's a notorious womanizer and cheats often on his girlfriends). So I never felt like he was my best friend during this time.
I'm not sure what to do...I dont want to never speak to him, but I dont want to be his friend anymore because I think he's going to do more bad things sooner or later.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
It's clear yours is not the only friendship he's jeopardised because of his drinking (as evidenced by his statement that you're his best friend). You're trying to have a nice life, with good relationships, and he's just boozing and skirt-chasing. Of course you're going to grow apart!
You've already told him that you care about him and that you hope he gets help for his drinking. That's really all you can do.
Here's a fact: there are a million resources out there for people who want to stop drinking. Any heath centre I go into--or library, community centre, clinic--I can't swing a dead rat without hitting a poster for AA, or Secular Sobriety, or Men in Recovery or whatever else.
You can hope and pray he decides to reach out for help and get sober, but he has to do that on his own.
I hope it helps to post and read here.
You've already told him that you care about him and that you hope he gets help for his drinking. That's really all you can do.
Here's a fact: there are a million resources out there for people who want to stop drinking. Any heath centre I go into--or library, community centre, clinic--I can't swing a dead rat without hitting a poster for AA, or Secular Sobriety, or Men in Recovery or whatever else.
You can hope and pray he decides to reach out for help and get sober, but he has to do that on his own.
I hope it helps to post and read here.
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