MsGrace

I married a man I was madly in love with 6 years ago. He was smart, charming and after being single for so long, I was just ecstatically happy. I knew at the time he had been sober for 13 years. This past year he began to struggle....reactive, stressed about everything, midnight rants about how hard I was to live with, how he couldn't handle the drive to work, how hard his job was ect. Then overdose and day at the ER on Sudafed. I did not consider for a moment that he had or COULD relapse. But full relapse was on...and I did not see it. Two weeks later his boss calls me from work to pick him up: impaired at work. Another overdose and trip to ER. This time, on my insistence, I told the attending that I needed help, that something was happening I was not about to control with multiple trips to the ER. He was admitted to a 6 week mental health rehab: dual diagnosis anxiety disorder and alcoholism. He gets out, I think our problems are solved. A few weeks later, I reached for a glass of what I thought was water on his side of the bed and guess what I found? My world imploded. I found 6 more half empty bottles in the spare room...he'd been drinking and hiding for who knows how long? I insisted on meeting with his psychiatrist and in that meeting he admitted that he'd never ever done the work. Never went to AA and never had a day he wasn't tempted to drink. I drew a line in the sand right there, in my hysteria. Find any path to sobriety, I will support you 100%...but choose not to recover, you cannot be here. He chose the latter that very day, left and never looked back. Just like that. I've never been so heartbroken, shocked, and sick in my whole life. I started Al Anon right away...feeling like I'd drown in my own grief.

Just a week after he left me, (with all the bills and property tax due) I broke my finger so severely it required a complex surgery and a 1 year rehab on it to regain the use of it. Today, I just had another surgery for a detached retina...and will be totally housebound doing nothing for several weeks. Two surgeries and a divorce in two months: maybe a world record in trauma?

Here is my message of hope: I never allowed my husband to isolate me, (although he tried) I always found time to foster my friendships. Boy has that paid off. My dear friends have come out of the woodwork to drive me to the hospital, to feed me, to call me to see how I'm doing, to email me and come by and everything you can imagine. It makes me cry to see what they are willing to do. One of my friends is coming over to spend the night tonight and all day tomorrow and all Christmas weekend so I don't have to be alone. All this terrible heartbreaking physical and emotional trauma...and I've never felt more loved, more supported or cared for. I dare say....if AH was here, I wouldn't have near the care. In spite of all of this....I'm more positive, more hopeful and more confident that life can and does go on. I'll look to a New Year with a moveable finger, better eyesight and a new single life with no hysteria in my home. Yes it has been stunningly painful. But I've been able to learn how to RECEIVE...(much harder than giving) and I have a new love and appreciation for the power of friendship like never before. Every one of them told me they knew I'd do the same for them and they are right.

All this happened in the last 3 months. And in that short time, I can truly say I see a positive and bright future. I will heal. And I have learned. Him driving away from me is the BEST thing that could have possibly happened. If you'd put a gun to my head two months ago, I would have told you there would never be a chance I'd feel that way.

Happy holidays to you....a bright future waits for you if you just claim it, and allow it.

catlovermi

What a tremendous post... thank you for writing this!

CLMI

Itchy

Thank you. I am proud to read you.

Cyranoak

...just awesome. Way to go!

dollydo

Great post, so true...I also never let my exabf isolate me, kept my friends throughout. Today, he is gone, my friends? Well, our relationships are stronger than ever!

A bright new year is right around the corner...enjoy it!

MsGrace

This experience of having an alcoholic just walk away when confronted with the drinking is such a shocking thing. It's something I just didn't know, and could not have predicted...it requires really digging in and learning about the disease and its patterns. I've seen this theme over and over and over here...with the attendant serious heartbreak.

I'm here to tell you I thought grief would eat me alive...but today, Christmas Day...I'm at peace. I'm not sad at all today. I can hardly wait to see all the miracles that unfold this next year. But I didn't get here alone....many, many loving people pushed me along. Al Anon, and dedicated loving friends. I'm still recovering from surgery on Tuesday...my dear sponsor brought 3 meals over to me last night. I've only known her a short time. There is a bright future ahead for each of us...and receiving it starts with believing we deserve to have a peaceful, bright future.

If I could hug every hurting person in this forum I would do it. It will get better...one day at a time.

Linkmeister

The grief is real and it is so painful. Like you, friends, family, Al-Anon, SR all helped me on the journey to where I am today and instead of spending another Christmas walking on eggshells, I am enjoying Christmas with my pup - by myself, but definitely not alone. A year ago, I wouldn't have thought it possible.

Thank you, MsGrace....hugs returned in kind, along with heartfelt wishes for a Merry Christmas!

MsGrace

Yes Link..thank you! That is the real message of hope for our "family" here: you can, and you will arrive at a place you never thought possible. Keep reading, offer what you can, ask for help, allow yourself to be nurtured back to life. I'm so grateful to all the people who have helped me...and all of you here in SR. Our perspective can change! I feel what I'm left with from all of this is genuine wisdom. Genuine forgiveness. Along the way I discovered my courage, my tenacity, my compassion. These are the things no other human can ever take from us. We acquire them by just being willing to walk through the fire of this terrible pain and learn. Then we are truly free.

NYCDoglvr

You've given me a wonderful Christmas present. Thanks so much for sharing this.

MsGrace

you are most welcome...and thank you to all of you for all you share.

Hevyn

MsGrace - Your encouraging words and optimism are amazing. I'm so sorry for all the pain you've been through. Your story is bound to help the disheartened find courage. Thank you so much for putting those painful events into words so we could all benefit from your strength.