worriedwife2

Well I'm really struggling with Christmas this year since my AH left in November to be with another women. He's coming out for Christmas morning with the kids. I keep reciting the Serenity Prayer, but I'm so hurt and broken. I know this is a gift from God that he's gone and it's what I've wanted for sometime until it actually happened.

Somedays I am just a complete basket case acting out with him. One minute I think I can handle this and one minute, I am nuts. Any words of encouragment. It's hard to think he'll be spending it with someone else. I keep thinking maybe he'll change for her :-( Sorry, I'm just rambling but I need to vent. Rejection really stinks!

Thanks,
Chris

TakingCharge999

Hi Chris

I had an ex BF who is an alcoholic.

People who knew him before I did told me he had always been a drunk, for years.
I broke up with him three years ago.
Today he is drinking the same Jack Daniels daily.

He had a girlfriend before me, and after winking twice when I left, he got someone else. Now I do not know (and gladly, I don't care anymore) if they are together today but anyway,

The man is still drinking.

So, no, no one changes for anyone else. REAL change comes from within and is for yourself and for your benefit regardless of who happens to be around you. Oh sure we can all put a temporary facade but in the end we all show our true colors.

The hurt will subside one day. For now keep on keeping on. You don't "have to" feel anything, feelings are feelings, can't be forced ... all you have to do today is take care of yourself to the best of your ability. I obsessed and suffered for months. Not worth it! causes wrinkles.

Hugs!

worriedwife2

Thanks for this. I know this is true, but damn it just hurts and my mind plays crazy tricks on me. Thanks so much for your words of encouragement :-)

LifeRecovery

This is kind of a back***ward way of looking at it but it helped.

My ex who struggled with alcohol (before, and during our marriage, and I suspect afterwards), and also had an affair.

He was not able to make significant changes while we were together...and I know that our relationship was not all bad.

Why would he be able to change at this time.

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior....

With that said though, it was a tempting thought pattern when we first split....it kept me in the "victim" role and allowed me to be the bad guy.

I suspect that if/when I ever get an actual apology...then I will know true change has occurred. I am not holding my breath, now because I have too much of my own stuff to look forward to.

These changes are really big that you are experiencing...be gentle on yourself. Are you participating in Al-anon...I know I have harped on it but it was so helpful to me for the use of substances and the affair.

BlueMoon

ww - what helps me is to try to stay in the moment - and it's HARD! that's why i only do it a MOMENT at a time! i just have to keep doing it over + over is all. Things i can't even manage to do for a whole day, i can usually manage for a second, maybe 2. Sometimes when my brain just WON'T SHUT UP, I go in the bathroom and "mentally yell" SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP etc. - might sound silly but it seems to work for me - i used to do that years ago and it was interesting that after a while, i only had to "yell" once or twice and it'd work.

but anyway - try to break it up into little pieces - baby steps - one minute / one second at a time if you have to is just fine!

take care of YOU!
Blue

worriedwife2

Now that he is gone, do you still think Alanon would benefit me even thought the alcoholic is not present anymore?

posiesperson

Hi ww:

I know you posed that question to LifeRecovery but I'm going to offer my feedback about Alanon, too: YES. Alanon helps for SO.MANY.REASONS. You don't have to be living with an alcoholic to attend Alanon. I have never lived with an active alcoholic and I go to a few meetings a week. I find it invaluable, and I do it for ME.

I'm sorry for what you're dealing with regarding your AH, and the holidays can be especially hard. What has helped me in the past is to remember that there won't be another "first" holiday without my loved one--after you get through this year, you'll have gotten thru the first holidays with things this way, and from here on out you will know it can be okay, even when it's so incredibly painful, and difficult.

Wishing you a bright new chapter in your life~
posie

Learn2Live

WorriedWife2, hon, it doesn't work that way. You cannot stop drinking for someone else, you stop drinking for yourself. If love could cure this, there'd BE no alcoholism.

Absolutely, yes.

Rejection is hard, don't I know it. Betrayal is worse. Your self-esteem has surely taken a beating by his actions. Have you thought any about therapy for yourself? It's helped me immensely.

worriedwife2

Yes, I am seeing a counselor. It works really well for a day or so then I lose it again. I just hope after the holidays, I can get myself together.

Thanks again everyone for your replies.

Chris

LifeRecovery

I started Al-anon when I found out about the affair. The drinking had been in place for years....and I just could not get myself to go previously. I had counseling in place before for myself the length of our whole relationship.

The affair broke the denial that if I was perfect things in my relationship would be okay, and I was at Al-anon within 24hrs.

We were together for another four months, when I found out he was back in touch with the affair partner (she was a good friend of mine who also struggled on occasions with alcohol). That was about 16mths ago.

I regularly participate in Al-anon still....and probably will to some extent for a significant time to come (if not forever). Truly my life was impacted by someone who struggled with alcohol....even if we don't live together anymore.

For me the codependent behavior was in place before my loved one....I will always need help for me. Al-anon is the whipped cream and cherry on top of my recovery.

PM if you want book suggestions etc....I have a plethora of them that helped.

NYCDoglvr

Hi Chris ... my experience was just like yours. I was full of rage but still, on some level, wished he was part of my life. I think it's part of the recovery process, part of grieving.