I'm at the end of my rope
 

I hope I'm not in the wrong for posting here as a newcomer, but I really have no one to talk to about this in my life. I have been with my bf for most of 10 years, and we have a 9 year old son together. I am by no means perfect, and I have my own issues that need to be dealt with ( that could be said to affect our relationship just as much sometimes). However, my bf has a problem with alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana.

I knew he was drinking and smoking when we first got together, so was I. We were 19 and 20, it was the norm. After a few years, I quit altogether. My son was growing up, and I grew out of it. He did not.

His alcoholism would cause him to do things like be out until 5am drinking when he had to be at work at 7am. He would stumble in and fall over and I would have to pick him up. He would be really grabby and clingy when drunk. He would try to take our then 2 year old son out for walks at midnight and I could never relate to him as an adult or parent because he would be sprawled on the ground babbling like a baby when I needed him. He got fired once because his boss was tired of him coming in smelling like alcohol, and I don't know what else transpired to make his boss want to fire him. I know the alcohol affected more than just him being drunk or hungover. He had a "system" of excuses and denial for it. We have had other issues of course, the same kinds of issues that most couples have (money, parenting, etc).

I have left him multiple times, but each time I came back. Partly because I am not altogether healthy myself due to a lifetime of being put down and abused, and had a hard time making it on my own with a child in tow, and partly because I always felt guilty.

Fast forward to the last year or two. I had left him at the end of 2009. I told him it was over this time and moved to my moms a few hours away. He followed me and promised things would change, again, and because I was feeling pressure to move out of my moms, I moved in with him in February of 2010. Things were -better- but not good. He continued to drink, though his days of falling over and staying out all night were gone. He continued to smoke marijuana and cigarettes. I asked him many times to stop all of it. Eventually he quit smoking cigarettes. As for the alcohol, he would go a week without buying any and expect me to give him a trophy. However, the next week he would practically be racing through the store to get to the liquor isle. He has managed to work most of the time we have been together, except for a few brief times when it was me who was working while he was home with our son, or while he was on unemployment, but that only really made it worse sometimes. Because he was still drinking and staying up late, he would be aggravated in the mornings when he had to get up early for work. He would sleep until a few minutes before he had to leave and then race around yelling at us to find his stuff and make him a lunch. Yelling and aggressiveness has been a part of his personality for a long, long time.


He lost his job at the end of 2010 and worked odd jobs to pay the rent. The rest of the bills basically went unpaid. I cut corners and tried to be frugal while looking for work, but he refused to stop buying marijuana and alcohol.

We had to move in with his mom in June of this year. He went back to work again for the same employer who fired him and has rehired him a few times. Recently, he started smoking cigarettes again. I told him if he ever started again I would leave him. Now, I know not everyone gets that cigarettes are just as bad as other drugs, for health reasons, but it's true. The smell makes me nauseous and gives me a migraine, it smells horrific, and who wants to kiss a smoker? It causes frequent colds, and increases the chances of his family, me and my son, of getting cancer.

Well, I am very observant, so I always catch him. He will say he won't do it anymore, then I catch him and he denies it. He LIES to my face. Then admits it later and says he lied because he didn't want to get in trouble. That sounds like something my 9 year old would say.

Even if we hadn't been fighting non-stop the last 8 years, even if I hadn't lost all respect for him years and years ago, and even if he hadn't started lying to me, the fact that he still thinks life is a big party and he NEEDS alcohol and drugs as part of his "me" time is a deal-breaker for me in our relationship.

I've seen what it does to him, and to others, and I don't want it in my life at all. I don't want it in my sons life. It runs in my bf's family. His brother and father are both alcoholics, though I think his dad went through treatment and now is sober. We have not seen him in 9 years, and he has never met his grandson. He doesn't have to be falling over for it to be affecting him. It affects his reasoning, his critical thinking skills, and his ability to be an equal to me in parenting and making adult decisions. I feel trapped. I had a serious talk with him a couple of weeks ago and told him I was done with it all. I told him we have different morals, different likes and dislikes, had little in common anymore, and were constantly fighting. i told him i didn't think it was fair to force me to be around those things or to make me live the kind of life I didn't want to live, and vice versa. he of course immediately started trying to placate me and say things would change and he loved me and I'm his life, etc etc. I've heard it all before.

Since then, he has continued to do it all, and lie about it, with the exception of course of the usual two day period following a fight where I say I am done with it all. He can be very nice sometimes, but I can't trust him anymore. I know he loves me, but love is more than a feeling that you can't live without someone, it's doing everything you can to make that person happy and make their life better. neither of us is doing that for the other and haven't been for a long time. I understand my own complicity in the situation, as i said I am not perfect.

I just don't know how to get him to understand that he is not healthy, I am not healthy, our relationship is not healthy, and I truely believe the only way to even begin to fix it is to take time to ourselves to work on our own issues, independently before we can help each other. IF he can be helped. I really don't know. I know he has to want to change for himself. I just don't know if he will ever feel that way. We are both full-time college students and he works full time. He brings in money, he's not completely useless, but I don't think I should have to settle for a life of misery, just because he has supported us, or because he tells me I'm being selfish and just want to run when things are tough.

I am seriously considering, no more than considering, praying I have the courage to move out in January when I get my only source of income, currently, my student loan disbursement. I want to move to be closer to my family, and maintain a home where there is some form of stability for myself and my son.

The problem is, I am so rundown and I doubt whether I am doing the right thing, whether he is right and I'm being selfish and should stay with him because he needs me. I just don't know. I apologize for the length of this post.

I'm new here too but as for your last paragraph - you ARE doing the right thing! Just keep telling yourself that! I'm in the same boat- been with AH for 10 years, I just took my son and left him...finally. I'm sure lots of the veterans on SR will have very helpful things to say...

I'm sorry you're going through this.

No, it's not selfish to leave. Which you know. Your mother didn't give birth to you so that you could spend life as a hostage. Your son deserves a happy life too, but needs you to make that happen.

In the short term, get some support in place for when you leave. Counsellor, friends, trusted family members. Don't be afraid to lean on them during the transition period.

You'll see--in six months, when the flowers are blooming, you'll be thinking, "Wow, I never thought life would be so good!"

Thank you, I've just started reading through some of the other posts and I am seeing that there are others who are in similar situations so I am sure I will get a lot of good information and advice here.

Welcome to SR, Seeker.

Wow! You being able to say this:
is just an amazing accomplishment. Being able to see the pattern and the reasons that lie behind it is HUGE.

You don't need to try to get him to understand anything. If he got it, you most likely wouldn't be planning to step back from the relationship. And, odds are he won't get it no matter how you try to explain it.

You can do whatever you decide to do. Just one breath at a time. One step at a time. :grouphug:

Welcome to Sober Recovery. Yes, you are in the right place and it's great that you posted. That's why SR is here.

Reading what you wrote I have one big rhetorical question for you:

You seem very clearly to want to leave. Since that is the case, why does anyone other than you need to understand that the situation is not healthy? You know it isn't, and you know you and your son can have a much better life than this. It's no more necessary for the alcoholic to understand than it is for those people in the middle of the mall to get an excuse as to why you don't want them to rub their hand lotion on you. Just like it's your money the mall are trying to part you with, this is your life and you have a right to make choices and changes that result in you spending your life the way you wish to spend it.

Glad you are here. Hope you will keep reading and gain the strength you need to make the changes that you want to make.

Hi seekerofsanity and WELCOME to SR! I'm so glad you found this place and I do hope you stick around to read and post a lot more. There are lots of wise and funny people here :)

No worries about lengthy posts...I'm the Queen of Long Posts! Besides, it gives us a better idea of your situation.

So, from an outsider's perspective, here is what I see:

From where I stand, you already know what to do. You've already pegged down the core issues in your relationship and know full well that you cannot MAKE anyone do anything. If you can get to Al-Anon, which I highly recommend, you would no doubt hear about the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it

I'm sure that you instinctively know this already, having been living with an addict/alcoholic for 10 years. What you probably already know as well is that even if you remove the booze and pot from the equation, it won't make him The Perfect Partner. There is much work to be done, and it's entirely his to do (or not do).

What's holding you back from walking out seems to be your need to "do right", or perhaps to "be the good guy".

He is a grown man and is fully capable of caring for himself; you have no obligation to settle for less than happiness because he *needs* you. Ugh. Sorry. I personally have a strong aversion for the concept of "needing" a partner because it implies a lack of independence and an inability to function alone.

If you need to strengthen your resolve, why not write down, point form, the List of What You Won't Have to Deal With, and perhaps also write down the List of Things You Can Look Forward To When You Have Left. I wrote down both when I was leaving my XAH, and I kept those lists well displayed on my desk at work until I knew it by heart. It helped me a lot when XAH called me, just once, to beg and plead for our marriage.

Keep posting. Keep reading. SR is always open!

Thank you all.

I do feel that I KNOW the right thing to do, at least for me, is to leave him and give us both space to heal and grow. My problem is that I don't know if I'm entirely sane in thinking so. His family thinks he can do no wrong and he tells me constantly I am selfish. I know I probably sound ridiculous but I do care about him, and he can be a good guy. He's not evil. I do know that even if he quits drinking and smoking that he still won't be perfect, but I do believe that he is much more reliable and considerate when he is not doing those things. I've seen it, and at this point I would be happy with that. I still think space would be good for both of us, but so many people say that when you have children with someone you're supposed to tough it out and not think about yourself. As I said, I know I'm not entirely healthy, and this need to get validation that I have the right to be happy and pursue my own desires even if it isn't what he wants, even if it breaks up our little "family", is part of that unhealthiness. Because I have been in this situation for so long, it has become my reality. I have a hard time separating what is normal/something everyone just deals with, from what is abnormal and should absolutely be changed. If that makes any sense at all.

I really don't want to hurt him, or anyone else. I don't want to become the bad guy, it's true. I don't want his family to be hostile toward me, I still want my son to have his dad and his family in his life. I also have a very intense fear that I will fail again if I try to move on in my life alone. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but again I have been with this man for 10 years, I was only away from my parents for a year or two before we had our son.

I don't say any of this to imply that I am having second thoughts, I had those each time I came back, and then realized it was a mistake to have done so. I have to figure this out on my own but it feels good to be able to write it out. Again, thank you all for the replies.

Oh, and I wanted to address the part about him needing me. He says he does. I know, I know, he is a grown man and no I don't believe he will fall dead on the spot if I leave. However, I was his first girlfriend. I was his first kiss. I am his only female companion( which was my fault as a young girl I was very insecure and where I came from attached males did not have close female friends), and I have taken care of him for 10 years. I have kept him from drinking himself into oblivion over the last few years, I have washed his laundry (if he does it he overstuffs it and it won't come out clean), cleaned up after him, kept him and our son from killing each other (not literally, they just argue a lot), been his advisor, and well, you can't just get over the intimacy that developes over 10 years with a single person. I have spoken to him a few times about how unhappy I was, I have left him, I have tried to kick him out, and each time he breaks down, cries, gets frantic, begs me, tells me he knows I'm right and he will change, tells me I'm his life, he doesn't want to live without me, etc. In my brain I know he can't change, becaue he is who he is, and honestly, I'm fine with him being who he is, I just don't want him to try and force me to live with it.

I know for a fact that when I move out he will freak out, he's going to cry, he's going to get loud (that's one of his tactics, get loud because he knows I HATE a scene and he thinks he can make me back down by causing one), he's going to beg, say he'll change, then when I don't back down he'll get nasty, he'll say I'm being selfish, say he doesn't know what he has done wrong, say I always do this to him...etc. It's very predictable. I just know that with the doubts I already have about whether I am doing the right thing or not, this is going to be so tough on me.

I left him twice before, and I felt so alone, my son missed his dad terribly, I was looking for work in a new city, having no luck. My mom, though also having a simliar situation with my dad my entire life, was always independent and took care of four of us kids mostly by herself, so she could never understand what I was going through, I lost all my friends when he and I were together so I had no one to talk to about it or rely on for help. After several months of not being hired, not being able to move into my own place, not having anyone to talk to or be close with, with him trying to convince me to move back in with him, I gave in.

I did not used to be a weak person before I met him, or at least I convinced myself I wasn't but I became pretty dependent upon him for a lot of things over the years. I am in school now and have some income of my own again and hope to be able to enjoy a successful career, but that is way down the line.

I guess because he's been my only friend for so long, I feel I don't want him to think I am abandoning him, or that I don't care about him. I would like him to understand that my reasoning is due to the unhealthiness of the situation, rather than there being something wrong with him, as a human being.

IMO, you may need to arm yourself better if and when you do decide to leave this time around.

• where your son is concerned, a visitation schedule needs to be established from the get-go, and can thereafter be negotiated through legal representation or mediation. I'm not sure whether you would want supervised visitation or not, but again, I would suggest deciding on this before you make a move This way, your son gets to see his father on a regular basis, but you also give him the gift of a SANE and STABLE home with you.
  
• where your strength and resolve are concerned, I would suggest finding an Al-Anon group you feel comfortable with *as well as* individual counselling, be through a therapist or social worker (got mine through my work's EAP). I would also recommend reading "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie.
  
• where finances are concerned, I would have a budget laid out along with a reliable source of income BEFORE you move out. Financial need has often been the downfall of many attempts at separation.

I understand the desire to "help" him and "be there for him", but clearly, the man was alive and capable before you met him, and he will be after you have left. He may well have to learn how to fend for himself a bit better, but then, would you deny him the dignity of discovering how to do that for himself?

Furthermore, if you think that you have the power to keep him from drinking himself into the grave, I'd venture to say you're mistaken. You simply do not have the power to make him do anything...and sadly, alcoholism is a disease that if left untreated ends in death. Do you really want to be there when things get that bad? Do you want to bring your son along for that ride? Doesn't he deserve to grow up in a normal house, free of the madness of addiction?

IMO, It is not your lot to stand in the way of your AH's obviously self-destructive tendencies...

As for your need for him to "understand", well, to be honest, that may never happen. I too wished that my XAH understood that I was leaving him because I refused to go down in flames with him, and that I refused to subject my baby girl to it as well. He never did understand and in his eyes, I am probably the most Evil Woman That Walked The Earth. Can't change that. Other people's opinion of me is truly none of my business.

*hugs* to you. Keep posting and reading lots.

Thank you. I have wondered if I qualify as co-dependent, but I did not feel I fit the bill, because I do feel quite selfish sometimes. I do stand up for my needs on a daily basis. He often "needs" me to find something for him, because he would lose his own head if it wasn't attached, and is horrible at looking for things. Often I tell him, I am in the middle of something at the moment, I think you should look for it yourself. Or, I am not responsible for keeping track of your things. It is good information though, and there ARE some qualities of co-dependancy that I can identify with and need to work on. I do admit I have control issues, because things have been so out of control, I feel like if I don't nip things in the bud right away it will be worse in the long run.

Thank you. As far as visitation, I have never ever tried to keep my bf away from his son, except for times when I thought he was being overly aggressive toward him, such as telling them to stay away from each other for a day because they were getting on each others nerves. He knows he's free to see his son any time as long as he is not drinking while doing so. The problem with my son missing his dad before was because we had to move over three hours away, where my only family is, and it wasn't feasible for his dad to come down often, and I don't drive so I could not bring him to his father. Things could be different now, he has a more reliable vehicle, but more than likely I see him following me down there again anyway.

Let him do whatever he'll do. You have no control over that anyhow. You can however work to provide a stable environment for your son, (being surrounded by extended family is a good start), and help him work through the transition. It won't be easy, obviously, so that's where face to face (and online!) support come into play. I found a lot of strength in an online group of single mamas all going through divorces and separations.

Eventually, once your ABF realizes that you refuse to be his enabler, he'll find someone else to mother him...or he'll hit rock bottom and then, who knows? Whatever the case may be, give him the opportunity to go on that journey so that you can go on your own.

If this was true...
 

...there would be no posts here. It would be the world's quietest forum. Also, he's full of **** when he suggests you are selfish for not wanting to be the mommy of this grown-ass man. Gaslighter.

Take care and good luck,

Cyranoak

Just to put a different spin on this. I am the adult son of an alcoholic father who has recently separated from his alcoholic wife of 36 years. Trust me you are not doing your son any favors by making him live with an alcoholic. One of my main memories of childhood was laying in bed listening to my parents fight and wishing I was dead because I was sure I was the cause of it.

Your friend,

Right, the fighting between us is a major factor in my wanting to separate. My son has seen it for years, and it tears me up. When my father was being emotionally and verbally abusive toward my mother all those years of me growing up, I often wished my mom would find a new boyfriend...and that is basically how my bf and I are toward each other now, but like I said, there are many times when we can sit in the same room and be amicable, but I am guessing the fact that I think about the time we spend together and comment on how there are "times" when we are amicable is a bad sign. Anyway, again I am just writing my way through my feelings about it all, not trying to make excuses.