artygirl

My alcoholic boyfriend of 5 yrs. broke up with me this past July. I had confronted his drinking in April. We agreed to take some time apart. He didn't want to lose me and would do everything he could to keep our relationship together. Things changed quickly and he broke up with me rather coldly in July. He didn't want to even try to stop drinking. I cried and just let him go.

I attended al anon, got a sponsor and started moving on until.....

I foolishly looked at his ebay account this past week and noticed him buying jewelry. The price point is too high for his mom, sister or nieces so of course I am imagining that he has a girlfriend. I feel foolish and tossed aside. The pain is so excruciating. I even contemplated trying to get into his email account but I stopped myself. I don't even know why I have this desire to snoop and exacerbate my pain.

He was so generous to me for the past 5 Christmases. I have known for a few years that he drank a lot but I avoided confronting him about it because I thought our relationship would end. He couldn't deal with any criticism at all and of course I am doubting my decision. I can't go back. I truly am sick. My sponsor is away right now.

I just had to write this down. I keep reminding myself that he is still an alcoholic and he was far from perfect. There were things I didn't want to do sexually that I submitted to on occasion to please him. I drank a lot too but I don't anymore. He was becoming distant with me also. He was so touchy and I had to watch everything I said. I thought he was my soul mate.

I haven't even thought of dating since my sponsor suggests I don't date for a year and begin working on myself and the steps. Sometimes I feel dating again would take my mind off him. We met online.

How can I get over this compulsive thinking about him?

Learn2Live

The way I've done it in the past was, first, The Serenity Prayer. Then, learn about Detachment. Then, practice Detachment. Kept going to Al-Anon meetings, going to therapy, reading and educating myself about the disease and codependence. Slowly, after I think about a year and a half, I worked my way totally free. It was a long time, yes, but I was VERY sick when I first went thru this. Keep talking to others about what you are feeling and going through. Journal. Work on your Self-Esteem.

Hope something here is useful or helpful to you. (((hugs))) Please remember, his alcoholism has nothing to do with you.

Willybluedog

artygirl, so glad you are here, I cannot speak for anyone else but counseling and anti-depressants were a big part of my recovery, also writing things down especially letters to those that have hurt me, don't have to mail them but it feels good to get it on paper.

Please come back anytime you need to vent or talk, need propping up or a big ol hug.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

LifeRecovery

Al-anon helped me a lot.

Learning about the grief cycle did too....it helped to normalize my feelings.

Counseling has always helped me, and I don't know where I would be without it in my life....that was in place though before my loved one with alcohol problems.

For me, myself and I distraction might work...but only in the short term. Honestly if I don't feel my feelings but stuff them to deal with later they seem to grow larger.

Hopeworks

Believe it or not your feelings are normal... we are "wired" to stay together when we are in intimate relationships and our brain chemicals, hormones and emotions work to get us to get back together even when it is toxic!

Just as the XABF is addicted to alcohol you are still "addicted" to the A... especially if there is another female on the horizon. We may not want them or even know that they would be destructive and a bad choice but we sure don't want anyone else to have "our A"!

Unhealthy thinking but as you know the unwelcome thoughts keep reappearing! Knowing that it is not "love" but chemicals and hormones is helpful. It is also helpful to visualize... remember and picture feeling "on eggshells" because he was so touchy. Remember how distant he was. If there were other negatives remember them. Do NOT allow fantasy stuff or even pastl happy moments time in your head. Throw those thoughts out immediately even if you have to do it 1000 times...

Time is huge healer... it WILL pass. Occupy your time with good stuff...hobbies, volunteering or take up a new fun thing you have always wanted to do!

Be strong and it will be so worth it!

artygirl

Yes I suppose I am addicted to my "A" and if I was really honest with myself I would say this happens with ALL my relationships. I am determined to clean my side of the street before I think about another relationship . I don't know why I thought he would work on himself as well before jumping into another relationship. It is hard to feel so easily replaced. All I did was ask him to stop drinking so we could work on our relationship. Our difficulties always stemmed around alcohol.

I've been in counseling and I have taken anti-depressants before but my sponsor said that she can't work the steps with me if I go on anti-depressants.

Luckily I my son is coming home from college tomorrow and we are flying to Atlanta for the holidays to be with family.

I keep saying the serenity prayer. The truth is that I was doing so well initially and can't understand this HUGE set back right now. It has been 5 months.

megan09

If a doctor says you need anti-depressants, then you take them. No sponsor should dictate what medication you should take.