Leigh01

First and foremost, thank you all for the warm welcome and support. Leaving him is hard. It's painful. It breaks my heart to walk away like I have and it's so hard. I don't know if I have enough Advil for this tension headache! I felt good and I felt strong yesterday. Today yeah not so much. I'm afraid and I'm anxious but most of all I feel guilty if that makes any sense. Guilty for leaving a bad situation for a safe haven leaving him there to fend for himself. I have a support system with family and friends but it's still hard. I lived in his addictive world and now I have to start over again and it's scarey. The anxiety is eating me alive. Maybe it's normal to feel this way. My friends say oh you are so calm, handling this well. And I'm not. On the inside I'm a mess. We are going today with a moving company to get the rest of my things and my daughters things. Going back in that house will be hard. It's football Sunday so he won't be there. It's just so hard even though I know I made the right decision. I just don't know how to feel better or how to start. Getting out was a huge step. I just was not prepared for how I'd feel today.
Thanks again for listening.

Pelican

Hang in there!

Deep breaths to calm yourself. Today is a big, stressful day. Change!

I like to do the following mantra while taking deep inhales and long slow exhales:

Peacefulness in (inhale)
Fear out (exhale)

And this also helps:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

(((hugs)))

What you are feeling is normal. It may be the stages of grief.

I felt like I was on a roller coaster. Anxious, depressed, angry, and sometimes all at once.

I found a helpful source of info on grieving, detaching, and recovery in one book:
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I highly recommend it!

let us know how we can help you, we care

choublak

Don't feel guilty. You left what you, and most people who think rationally, consider to be a bad situation. Your AH doesn't see the situation he is in as a bad one; he is content with that.

BlueMoon

I've been where you are right now. It IS scary! CHANGE is scary. Anxiety SUCKS. I just wanna tell you that it's OK to feel like a mess on the inside (+ even on the outside!) right now. You're going thru alot. You're right, you've made a HUGE step. And YES, even feeling guilty makes sense. All those feelings ARE OK to feel! They WILL all balance out with time. Promise. Stay safe. Take care of YOU and your little girl.

Very Best Wishes!
Blue

MsGrace

Leigh....big hug to you. What you are doing to protect your child and your own sanity require a lion's heap of courage....but it doesn't mean it's easy.

I went through these feelings...one day just panic stricken, then peaceful then back to panic and everything in between. It is normal to have good days and bad days! Be especially kind to yourself during this transition: take a bath, a long walk, anything you can do to support your health and mental state. Let your friends and family nurture you...times like these are great teachers for us to allow the help and love that is around us in! I struggled with that...so used to giving, and giving, receiving seemed much harder, but it feels so good to allow it.

Grief has a life span and you will move through this, one day at a time. I promise you, things will look and feel different to you 6 months from now. I highly recommend Al Anon..it helps me so much and I found a whole new crop of friends who understand the damage alcoholism does in a way that my non-alcoholic friends just can't. My crisis happened just in September. It's now nearly Christmas and I feel totally different: my panic attacks are much fewer and further between, I reach out when I have a bad day to someone who can support me, I go to Al Anon, and I come here...all of this has helped in enormous ways.

You will get through this...and you'll be better. There will be good days, some not so much...but all moving toward a more peaceful life for you and your family.

big cyber ((((((hug))))

Tuffgirl

Me too. After almost one year now, I feel completely different and know I did the right thing. But those first few months - WOW - it was an emotional roller coaster.

I think there are many of us here who can say it takes time to heal and feel confident again. Al-Anon really helps, and there are many books out there to be read if that's your thing. I counted my collection and I am up to 28 books on alcoholism and the family. Marriage. Survival.

Take it one day at a time. Stay strong!
~T

LifeRecovery

Leigh-

I think you are still doing great, especially because you are still following through even though it feels scary and anxiety provoking.

I felt much the same way most of fall of 2011 after everything really hit the fan for me with my relationship.

Al-anon really, really helped me with some of these feelings as did reading a lot about the disease of alcoholism, and codependency.

Getting support of any kind was really important from friends, family etc.

I have no doubt you can do this.

Learn2Live

Remember, he's not a baby, he's a grown man, perfectly capable of "fending" for himself. His care is HIS responsibility, not yours.

NewChapter

Agree with above posts. Whatever you're feeling is normal. I'm out about 18 months from the drama you're in, and I can tell you it was all a blur then and is all a blur now....I counted time in hours and days. Now it is in months, and soon in years. You are doing the next right thing for you, and he is living the life he says he wants. You deserve better and are getting it for yourself and your child. Good for you! Sometimes the guilt comes from our decision to stop caring for the AH as if he were a child. Some of us get into that routine and it feels odd to put ourselves first. It get easier.

Sending hugs to you--you are allowed to have a bad day and to take care of YOU. (Not something I, as a world-class codependent, even knew how to do!) Do something nice for you today.

Willybluedog

Leigh,

Been where you are, it's really hard, but it will get easier, you are doing so great, very proud of you.

Bill