Question about resentments
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 49
Question about resentments
I'm currently working on step 4 and having a hard time identifying my resentments. It just made me wonder whether or not I understand what a "resentment" is. I know I've had resentments in the past and have identified several I held as a child but no longer carry as an adult.
I've also recognized through my recovery thus far that I'm either slow to anger or possibly misidentifying my emotions. I tend to feel sad instead of angry. Of course, there are plenty of times when I can definitely identify being truly angry and I don't feel like I always handle that emotion in the best way.
I heard in an Al-Anon meeting that a resentment doesn't necessarily have to be a long-time "grudge" or a long-lasting hard feeling towards someone or something; it could be any negative experience that keeps coming to mind, relived over and over again, even years after it happened.
I guess I always associated the word "resentment" with some degree of anger but I honestly don't feel anger towards anyone in my life. Yes, there were times that I was beyond angry with my ABF when we lived together. It was the most painful and challenging time in my life. My ABF (now RABF
) and I have gone no contact for the last 4 months and it's been tough. I love him dearly. I always have and likely always will. I recognized all the while that his alcoholic behavior was alcoholic and it was not the behavior he would have chosen had he been healthy, sane and sober. I therefore honestly don't feel anger or resentment towards him. What I feel is gratitude that we have both found our own recoveries, I feel a great deal of love for him, and complete forgiveness towards him for his alcoholic behaviors and forgiveness of myself (forgiving myself was more difficult) for the way I chose to handle living in a sick environment with an active alcoholic. I had not yet found Al-Anon during the time I was living with my ABF and recognize that I was simply doing the best I could with what I knew at the time.
Resentments are talked about a lot and I wonder why I truly can't seem to identify any. Maybe I'm sicker than I thought?! Maybe I'm not ready for step 4? Maybe the anger and resentments are yet to come?
Gosh...long post for such a quick question. Just wanted to hear others' definition of resentment.
Thank you!
I've also recognized through my recovery thus far that I'm either slow to anger or possibly misidentifying my emotions. I tend to feel sad instead of angry. Of course, there are plenty of times when I can definitely identify being truly angry and I don't feel like I always handle that emotion in the best way.
I heard in an Al-Anon meeting that a resentment doesn't necessarily have to be a long-time "grudge" or a long-lasting hard feeling towards someone or something; it could be any negative experience that keeps coming to mind, relived over and over again, even years after it happened.
I guess I always associated the word "resentment" with some degree of anger but I honestly don't feel anger towards anyone in my life. Yes, there were times that I was beyond angry with my ABF when we lived together. It was the most painful and challenging time in my life. My ABF (now RABF
) and I have gone no contact for the last 4 months and it's been tough. I love him dearly. I always have and likely always will. I recognized all the while that his alcoholic behavior was alcoholic and it was not the behavior he would have chosen had he been healthy, sane and sober. I therefore honestly don't feel anger or resentment towards him. What I feel is gratitude that we have both found our own recoveries, I feel a great deal of love for him, and complete forgiveness towards him for his alcoholic behaviors and forgiveness of myself (forgiving myself was more difficult) for the way I chose to handle living in a sick environment with an active alcoholic. I had not yet found Al-Anon during the time I was living with my ABF and recognize that I was simply doing the best I could with what I knew at the time.Resentments are talked about a lot and I wonder why I truly can't seem to identify any. Maybe I'm sicker than I thought?! Maybe I'm not ready for step 4? Maybe the anger and resentments are yet to come?
Gosh...long post for such a quick question. Just wanted to hear others' definition of resentment.
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I don't know if I can answer your question. I can tell you this, I no longer resent my XAH, I'm not with him, I forgave him and I forgave me. But, if I ever got together with him, I'm sure that my resentments would rise up again.
I forgave him, because I did not want to have anger in my heart, I forgave myself for the length of time that I spent putting up with that nonsense, if I were to be with him again, I think everything would come to the surface. I had no resolution, I can live with that, but I can't live with an ongoing relationship without resolution.
I think you met your step 4, but I don't know if I am making sense.
I forgave him, because I did not want to have anger in my heart, I forgave myself for the length of time that I spent putting up with that nonsense, if I were to be with him again, I think everything would come to the surface. I had no resolution, I can live with that, but I can't live with an ongoing relationship without resolution.
I think you met your step 4, but I don't know if I am making sense.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I am no expert but I've had to deal with emotional problems most of my life so maybe I have some perspective that might be helpful? The way I understand it is Resentment is a feeling that you have in response to someone else, and can include anger but also other feelings. Resentment is a bitter feeling. What comes to mind for me is a kid I used to know and the look on his face whenever he saw his mother talking to another child. For whatever reason, this kid had real resentment for any other kid who got his mother's attention. It was sad to see but he was an older kid, probably 11 at the time, so I thought it kind of curious.
Anyway, if you don't feel resentment, anger, bitterness, or other negative emotion toward HIM, you might look at your sadness as possibly Resentment or bitterness toward yourself? I've heard it said that depression or sadness is anger turned inward. Something like that.
I tend to be that way, turn my emotions inward when things aren't working out well. Good job workin the steps Keep goin back
Anyway, if you don't feel resentment, anger, bitterness, or other negative emotion toward HIM, you might look at your sadness as possibly Resentment or bitterness toward yourself? I've heard it said that depression or sadness is anger turned inward. Something like that.
I tend to be that way, turn my emotions inward when things aren't working out well. Good job workin the steps
Keep goin back Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
To me a resentment is rehashing or reliving a past hurt and allowing it to wreak havoc in my mind, emotions, spirit and body. There are all kinds of descriptions and phrases about resentments and they all seem to have one thing in common: allowing my own anger towards another to harm myself; or purposefully holding on to anger for the sake of being right/good or for whatever other reason.
I once had a counselor who gave a chart similar to this one. The "hurt" and "anger" columns here list some of the words I may have used when I had an unidentified resentment or one that stared me in the face. For instance, in those sessions; I might have said something like: "I'm not angry just a little ticked off."
I've seen similar lists in other recovery materials but don't have them handy right now.
These types of word lists have been very helpful to me when I'm trying to sort things out; either to identify an emotion or to help me deal a related situation.
http://www.sba.pdx.edu/faculty/mblak...elingsList.pdf
I once had a counselor who gave a chart similar to this one. The "hurt" and "anger" columns here list some of the words I may have used when I had an unidentified resentment or one that stared me in the face. For instance, in those sessions; I might have said something like: "I'm not angry just a little ticked off."
I've seen similar lists in other recovery materials but don't have them handy right now.
These types of word lists have been very helpful to me when I'm trying to sort things out; either to identify an emotion or to help me deal a related situation.
http://www.sba.pdx.edu/faculty/mblak...elingsList.pdf
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Sometimes when I am stuck over something in Al-anon I have to look up the word for the actual definition.
Resentment:
1. A feeling of displeasure and indignation from a sense of being injured or offended.
2. the state of feeling or perceiving; strong or clear sensation; feeling or perception; conviction, impression
Resentment:
1. A feeling of displeasure and indignation from a sense of being injured or offended.
2. the state of feeling or perceiving; strong or clear sensation; feeling or perception; conviction, impression
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Or maybe it just means you don't feel any resentment.
I feel pretty much the same way about my relationship with RAH, I forgave both him and me. I believe that forgivness came from my personal growth, the change in me and my acceptance. So I consider it to be healthy outlook.
I did feel resentment in the past, but I figured that resentment was mostly coming from my feeling I've been done wrong and that the life ows me something. Once I came to the point of thinking that life happens on life terms and we can only do our best at the time with what we have at the time my resentment resolved.
Also I too tend to feel sad instead of angry sometimes, but to be honest I don't think that is a negative thing. As the way I see it, it has to do with acceptance again. If I'm facing something I don't like and can't change, it doesn't make me angry but mildly sad, as I don't take it personally, and I remove myself from the situation. But if it is something I can change, than I just change it, set my boundaries or whatever without getting too worked up about it. I guess it is about being in acceptance with life in general over the things I can not control, but in the same time standing firmly on the things that are or not acceptable for me - knowing the difference between the things I can change and the ones I can not. I just realized I'm talking about serenity prayer
IDK maybe I'm rationalizing too much... but it works for me for now. The time will tell. Right now it doesn't feel like I'm surpressing any of my emotions, ... I feel at peace.
I feel pretty much the same way about my relationship with RAH, I forgave both him and me. I believe that forgivness came from my personal growth, the change in me and my acceptance. So I consider it to be healthy outlook.
I did feel resentment in the past, but I figured that resentment was mostly coming from my feeling I've been done wrong and that the life ows me something. Once I came to the point of thinking that life happens on life terms and we can only do our best at the time with what we have at the time my resentment resolved.
Also I too tend to feel sad instead of angry sometimes, but to be honest I don't think that is a negative thing. As the way I see it, it has to do with acceptance again. If I'm facing something I don't like and can't change, it doesn't make me angry but mildly sad, as I don't take it personally, and I remove myself from the situation. But if it is something I can change, than I just change it, set my boundaries or whatever without getting too worked up about it. I guess it is about being in acceptance with life in general over the things I can not control, but in the same time standing firmly on the things that are or not acceptable for me - knowing the difference between the things I can change and the ones I can not. I just realized I'm talking about serenity prayer
IDK maybe I'm rationalizing too much... but it works for me for now. The time will tell. Right now it doesn't feel like I'm surpressing any of my emotions, ... I feel at peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: England
Posts: 116
I like this definition of a resentments- from Courage to Change
" An Expectation is a premeditated resentment"
Then the reminder:-
I have the right to choose my own standards of conduct, but I do not have the right or the power to impose those standards on other's.
I accept myself and I'm beginning to accept other people the way they are each day.Now I have fewer resentments. (Living with sobriety)
That's where I have to come in and change things about me,I had to look at the times in my life when I wanted to be in control of other people,or I thought I knew what was best for them.Ummmm ,I had to really think about those times,sometimes I didnt like looking.,thats when Serenity Prayer helped me too.
All best wishes
" An Expectation is a premeditated resentment"
Then the reminder:-
I have the right to choose my own standards of conduct, but I do not have the right or the power to impose those standards on other's.
I accept myself and I'm beginning to accept other people the way they are each day.Now I have fewer resentments. (Living with sobriety)
That's where I have to come in and change things about me,I had to look at the times in my life when I wanted to be in control of other people,or I thought I knew what was best for them.Ummmm ,I had to really think about those times,sometimes I didnt like looking.,thats when Serenity Prayer helped me too.
All best wishes
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 49
Thank you, all, for the thoughtful replies. Sorry it's taken so long to catch up on everyone's posts. It's been a hectic week.
cmc - thank you for posting that link for the list of emotions. That is certainly helpful in the identifying process.
Instead of trying to force myself through this point in the step 4 process, I'm taking a momentary step back for a while. I need to recognize that my level of awareness about my feelings is exactly where it is meant to be right now and that will evolve when its meant to. I have to turn this over to my HP right now. Unfortunately, my timeline and HP's timeline for tackling this step is at a different pace. I'm still dealing with waves of intense grief at times and find that facing the holidays has sort of shaken loose some of those really strong codie thoughts and behaviors that are still trying to hold on tight.
In order to gain more insight in step 4, I'm reworking steps 1, 2 and 3 for the next couple weeks -- at least to help me through the holidays. I'm finding myself too easily thrown into the emotional quicksand by allowing myself to worry about the future or to yearn for the past. There is nothing I can do about that right now. The only thing that I can control at this point, and therefore I have made my top recovery-oriented responsibility, is to make myself as comfortable and as relaxed as possible. The emotional pain might still ride along with me but I have a feeling that I'll be able to get through this holiday season in a better way if I'm comfortable and relaxed as opposed to being overrun by my emotional reactions to the stuff that's rolling around in my head -- stuff about the future, for which I know nothing about. And yet I can't help but worry about it all!!
Peace and joy to all this holiday season.
cmc - thank you for posting that link for the list of emotions. That is certainly helpful in the identifying process.
Instead of trying to force myself through this point in the step 4 process, I'm taking a momentary step back for a while. I need to recognize that my level of awareness about my feelings is exactly where it is meant to be right now and that will evolve when its meant to. I have to turn this over to my HP right now. Unfortunately, my timeline and HP's timeline for tackling this step is at a different pace. I'm still dealing with waves of intense grief at times and find that facing the holidays has sort of shaken loose some of those really strong codie thoughts and behaviors that are still trying to hold on tight.
In order to gain more insight in step 4, I'm reworking steps 1, 2 and 3 for the next couple weeks -- at least to help me through the holidays. I'm finding myself too easily thrown into the emotional quicksand by allowing myself to worry about the future or to yearn for the past. There is nothing I can do about that right now. The only thing that I can control at this point, and therefore I have made my top recovery-oriented responsibility, is to make myself as comfortable and as relaxed as possible. The emotional pain might still ride along with me but I have a feeling that I'll be able to get through this holiday season in a better way if I'm comfortable and relaxed as opposed to being overrun by my emotional reactions to the stuff that's rolling around in my head -- stuff about the future, for which I know nothing about. And yet I can't help but worry about it all!!
Peace and joy to all this holiday season.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
For me, a resentment is a failure to accept what is. It's a feeling that things "should" be a certain way, other than the way they are. Sometimes, that results in anger, sometimes sadness, sometimes just a general uneasiness. Whatever the result, though, the origin is the same. Resistance to reality.
L
L
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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LaTeeDa's post is what I was told early in my recovery, but I could not seem to 'grasp' the idea.
So, one day my sponsor's husband, also in the AA program many years sat me down, after one of my 'rants' about my then husband and some folks at work, looked me right in the eye and said:
"What is he/she/it/they NOT doing, that you want him/her/it/they to do, when you want him/her/it/they to do it, TO MAKE YOU MORE COMFORTABLE?"
Oh sheesh ...................... there it was MY EXPECTATIONS were not being fulfilled when I wanted them fulfilled and I was pizzed. I was mentally keeping a 'book' of 'their' 'wrongs to me' in my head. Oh boy, did that one set me back on my heels.
Now over 30 years later, I STILL use that phrase if I feel a resentment coming on and once again will see it is my 'expectations' of others.
Oh and 'they' (those smart folks in AA and Alanon) said that if I had a resentment going I had to pray for that person for 14 days STRAIGHT for HP to give them everything I wanted for me, ie good health, happiness, decent job, etc etc AND if I missed one day I HAD TO START OVER.
Well .................................................. ..... by doing that a few times, and having to start over again and again, I came to the conclusion it was just easier to say 'sorry' to my HP that I had had an "Expectation Error," and get back to living in today.
I am not perfect, I can still get a resentment and have. I just react differently. I talk with someone, a particular person that I trust, just as she will with me, and get back to my 'roots' in recovery one more time.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
So, one day my sponsor's husband, also in the AA program many years sat me down, after one of my 'rants' about my then husband and some folks at work, looked me right in the eye and said:
"What is he/she/it/they NOT doing, that you want him/her/it/they to do, when you want him/her/it/they to do it, TO MAKE YOU MORE COMFORTABLE?"
Oh sheesh ...................... there it was MY EXPECTATIONS were not being fulfilled when I wanted them fulfilled and I was pizzed. I was mentally keeping a 'book' of 'their' 'wrongs to me' in my head. Oh boy, did that one set me back on my heels.
Now over 30 years later, I STILL use that phrase if I feel a resentment coming on and once again will see it is my 'expectations' of others.
Oh and 'they' (those smart folks in AA and Alanon) said that if I had a resentment going I had to pray for that person for 14 days STRAIGHT for HP to give them everything I wanted for me, ie good health, happiness, decent job, etc etc AND if I missed one day I HAD TO START OVER.
Well .................................................. ..... by doing that a few times, and having to start over again and again, I came to the conclusion it was just easier to say 'sorry' to my HP that I had had an "Expectation Error," and get back to living in today.
I am not perfect, I can still get a resentment and have. I just react differently. I talk with someone, a particular person that I trust, just as she will with me, and get back to my 'roots' in recovery one more time.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 49
LaTeeDa - This makes sense for me. I am having a hard time accepting what is because it's absolutely not what I want it to be right now. Of course, I don't know what the future holds and what I'm hoping will happen may actually happen...or may not...but until then I just have to live and let live. Much easier said than practiced though, especially when suffering such a heavy heart.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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What a serendipitous moment to sign into SR and find this thread at the top of the list. I am having a serious care of 'resentment reoccurance'. Thanks all for the words here today. I needed to read them and face my resentments before my head blows off.
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Originally Posted by runningforlife 
LaTeeDa - This makes sense for me. I am having a hard time accepting what is because it's absolutely not what I want it to be right now. Of course, I don't know what the future holds and what I'm hoping will happen may actually happen...or may not...but until then I just have to live and let live. Much easier said than practiced though, especially when suffering such a heavy heart.
L
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