Oh well.........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Knoxville, TN
Posts: 20
Oh well.........
RAH is mad at me again. SHOCKING!
Tonight is his children's birthday dinner...I had asked him about it all week. He never indicated he wanted me to go with him. (His ex-wife had invited me). He had told me that he didn't know even if he would go because of the gas money..money for food..gifts..etc. I told him I would give him the gas money to go..that in my opinion is was so important to show up for this dinner..his relationship with the kids have been strained (they are 20 and 16)..I said I'll drop the money off at the house. Still..he never indicated or said "hey why don't you go with me". So I left it alone. (Much more important for him to go then me anyway)
So yesterday I emailed his ex-wife and thanked her but said I wouldn't be able to go..called his daughter today said Happy Birthday..love you and all that.
Well...now he's all "I thought you were going"..and when I explained why I wasn't...he won't speak to me.
I would have been doing something wrong if I had gone or not gone. I never know which road I should go down.
drama..drama..drama..
Tonight is his children's birthday dinner...I had asked him about it all week. He never indicated he wanted me to go with him. (His ex-wife had invited me). He had told me that he didn't know even if he would go because of the gas money..money for food..gifts..etc. I told him I would give him the gas money to go..that in my opinion is was so important to show up for this dinner..his relationship with the kids have been strained (they are 20 and 16)..I said I'll drop the money off at the house. Still..he never indicated or said "hey why don't you go with me". So I left it alone. (Much more important for him to go then me anyway)
So yesterday I emailed his ex-wife and thanked her but said I wouldn't be able to go..called his daughter today said Happy Birthday..love you and all that.
Well...now he's all "I thought you were going"..and when I explained why I wasn't...he won't speak to me.
I would have been doing something wrong if I had gone or not gone. I never know which road I should go down.
drama..drama..drama..
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
When dealing with an A I learned to not attempt to orchestrate their lives. It is theirs to navigate, not mine.
To me, what happens between him and his children is his business and I would not get involved in it, there is no way to win, you will lose everytime.
To me, what happens between him and his children is his business and I would not get involved in it, there is no way to win, you will lose everytime.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Knoxville, TN
Posts: 20
I know..it's my co-dependant sick mind that gave him the money. I justify it as..i'm doing this for the kids...and I know..if he goes or not goes..it shouldn't refleck me.
It's like i've been trained to cover all bases to keep any problems from happening..and to keep everyone happy and at peace. In my mind...i can imagine him not going and telling his family how broke he was..couldn't put gas in the car..because I left him. and in the end me being blamed for HIM not going to see HIS kids.
I'm sick..aren't I? and ....I can read what I just wrote and know it's not a healthy way of thinking..but I do it anyway.
No good dead goes unpunished..sigh
It's like i've been trained to cover all bases to keep any problems from happening..and to keep everyone happy and at peace. In my mind...i can imagine him not going and telling his family how broke he was..couldn't put gas in the car..because I left him. and in the end me being blamed for HIM not going to see HIS kids.
I'm sick..aren't I? and ....I can read what I just wrote and know it's not a healthy way of thinking..but I do it anyway.
No good dead goes unpunished..sigh
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
It doesn't have to be drama.
You conducted yourself in a calm and reasonable way. The trick is to keep that calm and reasonable feeling wrapped around yourself. Nothing in your life has changed. If he wants to get his undies in a wad he can do it all by himself.
Also - it might be easier to detach if you stepped back from his interactions with others. He can make his own arrangements, own phone calls, make his own contacts, come up with his own money etc. I no longer try to orchestrate the relationship between my kids and their dad. I was trying to create a fake reality for them. It isn't fair to me, them, or even him really. It also doesn't work. It wasn't easy to come to that way of handling things but very freeing and it feels right.
He can't moan to you about not doing the right thing if you let him do it himself huh?
You conducted yourself in a calm and reasonable way. The trick is to keep that calm and reasonable feeling wrapped around yourself. Nothing in your life has changed. If he wants to get his undies in a wad he can do it all by himself.
Also - it might be easier to detach if you stepped back from his interactions with others. He can make his own arrangements, own phone calls, make his own contacts, come up with his own money etc. I no longer try to orchestrate the relationship between my kids and their dad. I was trying to create a fake reality for them. It isn't fair to me, them, or even him really. It also doesn't work. It wasn't easy to come to that way of handling things but very freeing and it feels right.
He can't moan to you about not doing the right thing if you let him do it himself huh?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I posted without seeing the other posts.
When I am trying to figure out that landscape I have to very consciously sit down and think every little thing through - very concretely. What is the specific issue and who does it belong to? Was it my business? I used the street analogy. If I have to cross the street to deal with it - I am out of bounds. If I am doing something to control someone else's outcomes (even my kids) I was on the wrong side of the street.
Then I would look at what my feelings were and how they related. If I could look at the answers and my feelings were telling me something different I'd talk myself through that too. Feelings are not facts and I should act on what I know, not on what I feel. Other people's pain, discomfort, upset, what have you impacted me very very deeply. I felt physical urges and panic to fix that. Not my own discomfort - other peoples! Even if it doesn't really involve me at all or goes against what is reasonable! I can reason out in my head that this feeling is not healthy but I had to think it through very carefully because my initial urges were unhealthy and stemmed from when I was little. They were not functional.
I had to do it all the time last year. Every little thing had to be thought out like that. With my ex, my aunt, even my kids. Their problems are theirs, my problems are mine. I'll stay out of their business. It is getting easier. I still do it but the entire process is much quicker. Thank goodness!
When I am trying to figure out that landscape I have to very consciously sit down and think every little thing through - very concretely. What is the specific issue and who does it belong to? Was it my business? I used the street analogy. If I have to cross the street to deal with it - I am out of bounds. If I am doing something to control someone else's outcomes (even my kids) I was on the wrong side of the street.
Then I would look at what my feelings were and how they related. If I could look at the answers and my feelings were telling me something different I'd talk myself through that too. Feelings are not facts and I should act on what I know, not on what I feel. Other people's pain, discomfort, upset, what have you impacted me very very deeply. I felt physical urges and panic to fix that. Not my own discomfort - other peoples! Even if it doesn't really involve me at all or goes against what is reasonable! I can reason out in my head that this feeling is not healthy but I had to think it through very carefully because my initial urges were unhealthy and stemmed from when I was little. They were not functional.
I had to do it all the time last year. Every little thing had to be thought out like that. With my ex, my aunt, even my kids. Their problems are theirs, my problems are mine. I'll stay out of their business. It is getting easier. I still do it but the entire process is much quicker. Thank goodness!
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