When it is my turn?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Knoxville, TN
Posts: 20
When it is my turn?
I was replying to another post..when I just got soooo angry thinking back to the last 3 years and how everything we did, discussed, lived was centered around my RAH recovery. At the time..I was so on-board with helping him to quit drinking..at that time I thought the drinking was his only problem..HA!
He was happy as a lark the first 6-12 months..cause all attention was on him. Then his negative behaviors started creeping back in - now he's just a jerk all the time. I cannot breathe correctly to suit him.
All the attention continued to be on him..but I gradually started going out with my friends again (maybe 1x a month)..my daughter left her husband because of his drug abuse and came to live with us..RAH idea for her to move in..cause he was the expert on addictions and knew she needed to leave..(ironic). That became a HUGE resentment on his part even tho it was HIS idea..and I can only guess because at the time some of my focus was on my heartbroken child...I am her mother!! My job kept me traveling (I have since changed jobs because I thought my career was his problem)..he has huge resentment over that...I was working!! I could understand if i was out partying 5x a week...i had to work to keep his house out of bankruptcy!! (I digress)
I needed his understanding and support during all that time...but what i've got was how inconvenienced he was..I almost killed myself to keep the house clean..bills paid..emotionally and physically "there" for him..and all i wanted was for him to wrap his arms around me and say "it will be ok".
But in reality..i had a RAH who's world revolved around him and his needs..he expected everyone's world to revolve around him too. I know AA and the 12 steps are important..but honestly...go and work the program....make your wrongs-right....not go just for the attention and sympathy and then complain about it.
I know this is a life long recovery..but when is enough..enough? Either waller around in self-pity or get better!! The cease in drinking the alcohol is only the tip of the iceberg!! I can't keep catering to every need..walking around on egg shells in fear making him angry..my kids don't interact with him for fear of his response..why????
I hope I'm not breaking some AA code or something...because I mean no disrespect at all..and I'm new to Al-anon..but I just wanna say..Get over yourself already...own you have a problem..deal with it..work/live your program..I can't do it for him. It's hard for me to understand his A brain..how can a person be so self-centered, selfish, jealous, hateful, mean and loave in self-pity??
I've only been with him 5 years..I told him last night that I didn't start the fire..I just got in the middle of it. FOR THE LOVE!!
Thanks for listening.
He was happy as a lark the first 6-12 months..cause all attention was on him. Then his negative behaviors started creeping back in - now he's just a jerk all the time. I cannot breathe correctly to suit him.
All the attention continued to be on him..but I gradually started going out with my friends again (maybe 1x a month)..my daughter left her husband because of his drug abuse and came to live with us..RAH idea for her to move in..cause he was the expert on addictions and knew she needed to leave..(ironic). That became a HUGE resentment on his part even tho it was HIS idea..and I can only guess because at the time some of my focus was on my heartbroken child...I am her mother!! My job kept me traveling (I have since changed jobs because I thought my career was his problem)..he has huge resentment over that...I was working!! I could understand if i was out partying 5x a week...i had to work to keep his house out of bankruptcy!! (I digress)
I needed his understanding and support during all that time...but what i've got was how inconvenienced he was..I almost killed myself to keep the house clean..bills paid..emotionally and physically "there" for him..and all i wanted was for him to wrap his arms around me and say "it will be ok".
But in reality..i had a RAH who's world revolved around him and his needs..he expected everyone's world to revolve around him too. I know AA and the 12 steps are important..but honestly...go and work the program....make your wrongs-right....not go just for the attention and sympathy and then complain about it.
I know this is a life long recovery..but when is enough..enough? Either waller around in self-pity or get better!! The cease in drinking the alcohol is only the tip of the iceberg!! I can't keep catering to every need..walking around on egg shells in fear making him angry..my kids don't interact with him for fear of his response..why????
I hope I'm not breaking some AA code or something...because I mean no disrespect at all..and I'm new to Al-anon..but I just wanna say..Get over yourself already...own you have a problem..deal with it..work/live your program..I can't do it for him. It's hard for me to understand his A brain..how can a person be so self-centered, selfish, jealous, hateful, mean and loave in self-pity??
I've only been with him 5 years..I told him last night that I didn't start the fire..I just got in the middle of it. FOR THE LOVE!!
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi Debi, to answer your question, it's your turn today, right now in fact. Continue going to Al-Anon, keep posting here and start working your own recovery right now. Look up what you can on detachment and boundaries and the Al-Anon slogans for starters.
You were not responsible for his alcoholism and you are not responsible for his recovery. He is a big boy and can take care of himself.
I found that once I took all that energy I was giving to my AW and used it on myself and my recovery my life got a whole lot better. I didn't need someone else's approval to feel happy or to do things that I enjoyed. Her life was hers and my life was mine.
I found that if you are waiting for someone to give you your freedom you will wait forever. it's was right there for me to grab.
Your friend,
You were not responsible for his alcoholism and you are not responsible for his recovery. He is a big boy and can take care of himself.
I found that once I took all that energy I was giving to my AW and used it on myself and my recovery my life got a whole lot better. I didn't need someone else's approval to feel happy or to do things that I enjoyed. Her life was hers and my life was mine.
I found that if you are waiting for someone to give you your freedom you will wait forever. it's was right there for me to grab.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Debi, I agree with Mike. Time to take your energy and power back. Sounds as if you bought into his crazy-making behavior long enough. So decide to stop doing what you are doing and do something different. Start small if its hard - take one thing and do it differently.
Accept the things we cannot change (him), change the things we can (you and your approaches/responses/reactions to your situation).
Accept the things we cannot change (him), change the things we can (you and your approaches/responses/reactions to your situation).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Hi Debi ... I'm a recovering alcoholic (20 years) so I'll answer from that perspective. You take the booze away from the person and you still have the person. It comes down to willingness to change. If your husband sees his character defects and does the work, then he can certainly change although it takes a lifetime for somethings to change.
AA's Big Book describes alcoholics as: grandiose, thin skinned, self-centered in the extreme. Despite our tendency to see ourselves as "terminally unique" we all find those things in ourselves. Working the Steps is very difficult because it requires brutal self-honesty but unless you do the work, nothing changes. Cognitive therapy is also a big help. I believe that alcoholism is a fear-based disease. It drives us nuts when we discover how powerless we are over people, places and things. We drank to control reality after all.
Again, you have to be WILLING to change.
That said, those of us who are co-dependent also must get brutally honest because it's easy to put the focus on someone else (the alcoholic) instead of dealing with our own issues. In the end, we're all individually responsible for our own lives. We are all powerless over everything, everybody BUT ourselves. I hope you take your power back and create the wonderful life you deserve.
AA's Big Book describes alcoholics as: grandiose, thin skinned, self-centered in the extreme. Despite our tendency to see ourselves as "terminally unique" we all find those things in ourselves. Working the Steps is very difficult because it requires brutal self-honesty but unless you do the work, nothing changes. Cognitive therapy is also a big help. I believe that alcoholism is a fear-based disease. It drives us nuts when we discover how powerless we are over people, places and things. We drank to control reality after all.
Again, you have to be WILLING to change.
That said, those of us who are co-dependent also must get brutally honest because it's easy to put the focus on someone else (the alcoholic) instead of dealing with our own issues. In the end, we're all individually responsible for our own lives. We are all powerless over everything, everybody BUT ourselves. I hope you take your power back and create the wonderful life you deserve.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hey Debbi...to answer your question, it's your turn when you start making it so. No more catering. No more walking on egg shells. Put yourself and your children first, cause if you don't he certainly won't.
I totally hear your frustration. I lived the same things during my 6 years in hell with my XAH. I was never good enough, honest enough, slutty enough, classy enough, thoughtful enough, XYZ enough for him. His failure to quit smoking, drinking, snorting coke, cutting himself, etc. was ALL my fault. I became an expert at micromanaging the world around him to lessen the stress he had to deal with, because god knows he couldn't handle any stress whatsoever without reaching for a bottle or for some powder.
No more. You can stop this right now.
I totally hear your frustration. I lived the same things during my 6 years in hell with my XAH. I was never good enough, honest enough, slutty enough, classy enough, thoughtful enough, XYZ enough for him. His failure to quit smoking, drinking, snorting coke, cutting himself, etc. was ALL my fault. I became an expert at micromanaging the world around him to lessen the stress he had to deal with, because god knows he couldn't handle any stress whatsoever without reaching for a bottle or for some powder.
No more. You can stop this right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Knoxville, TN
Posts: 20
I know you are right!! And if my best friend was in this same situation..I would be telling her the same exact thing. Wonder why when it's happening to us...we don't see it quite as clearly. 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Los Angeles, C
Posts: 5
I can completely relate. I am currently on vacation with my sober AH in one of the world's most exquisite cities sitting alone at the hotel bar having a nice glass of wine while he oversleeps our diner reservation upstairs. I've only been in al-anon a short time but this is my small miracle of recovery. Previously I would have sat upstairs all night afraid of his angry wrath if I woke him form his nap (cause now that there's no booz to medicate him, everything I do pisses him off - trust me, you are not alone). So I would have sat up there hating myself, resenting him etc. Don't get me wrong, I still have a WHOLE bucket of anger and resentment to work through, but al-anon is helping me bit by bit, one situation at a time, to make a different choice in these situations so that I hate both myself and my AH a little less. And if that means getting on this forum while I'm on vacation to read and share a little recovery because that helps me, then that's what I will continue to do. Just keep going to meetings because as my sponsor says to me "You came in because of your AH, but the miracle might be YOURS".
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Deb...oh dear, I am him AND you, ugh. I am in recovery and now that I am a couple years into it, I see that my H, even if he was not drinking/drugging has a lot of those issues and we were a sick couple. I can't change him, he doesn't even see he has issues. I have to let it go...but how?
This is a situation where it helps to repeat the old saying "you can't think yourself into different behavior, but you can behave yourself into different thinking" I have started behaving the way I need to, getting input from people who have gone before me in recovery. As I do so, I feel the difference, have the experience of doing things differently and getting a different result. Some of it grows on you!
No matter how difficult it is, or how odd it feels, beginning to take ACTION, is what turns things around. Our situations aren't hopeless, but we get convinced they are more convuluted than they actually are.
From the inside we see all sorts of complications, justifications, etc. But from the outside, it's often plain to see that those things are just dust bunnies, and can be swept aside.
This is a situation where it helps to repeat the old saying "you can't think yourself into different behavior, but you can behave yourself into different thinking" I have started behaving the way I need to, getting input from people who have gone before me in recovery. As I do so, I feel the difference, have the experience of doing things differently and getting a different result. Some of it grows on you!
No matter how difficult it is, or how odd it feels, beginning to take ACTION, is what turns things around. Our situations aren't hopeless, but we get convinced they are more convuluted than they actually are.
From the inside we see all sorts of complications, justifications, etc. But from the outside, it's often plain to see that those things are just dust bunnies, and can be swept aside.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I decide where I put my attention. My focus. If I choose to expend all my energy "helping", or giving my attention to, someone else and what I think their needs are, I cannot blame the other person. In fact, I've learned there is no such thing as someone at fault; blame is some sick way of thinking we humans made up, and use to win or deflect responsibility.
When you CHOOSE YOU, then it is your turn. It feels downright wrong when you first start practicing this, but when you start to mind your own business, soon you see people actually do make it and even prosper on their own. I NEVER helped my brother until I completely stopped trying to help him.
To be honest, you CANNOT help someone quit drinking, or drugging, or smoking. And actually, it's not our job to help anyone with anything.
When you CHOOSE YOU, then it is your turn. It feels downright wrong when you first start practicing this, but when you start to mind your own business, soon you see people actually do make it and even prosper on their own. I NEVER helped my brother until I completely stopped trying to help him.
To be honest, you CANNOT help someone quit drinking, or drugging, or smoking. And actually, it's not our job to help anyone with anything.
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