Milly39

My AH left about 4 weeks ago and this past weekend I was overcome by resentment.
I can't describe it really, but basically I felt so resentful that I am on my own, with the 2 boys and having to do EVERYTHING myself.
AH was supposed to come out to see the boys on sunday but then changed his mind as he was in "bad form".. It made me so mad and then I started shouting at the boys, for no reason other than there were there and I could.

I felt so guilty ...but the feeling of resentment was SO strong it frightened me.
I love my boys and am doing everthing in my power to give them everything they need...but I guess what I am saying is ...who is going look after me??
M.

GettingBy

You are dear... with some help from people that you reach out to. You don't have to do it all alone - there are people out there that would love to help. You just have to ask.

I stayed stuck in my situation because I was afraid. I worried about how I could get it all done. It all seemed so BIG... bigger than me. And it was. But then I got into Al-anon and I learned that I don't have to do it all and I don't have to be perfect. So I started letting some stuff go. I learned how to prioritize my time/efforts and get done only what I was comfortable taking care of. All the other stuff - I had to either ask for some help, or turn it over to my HP to take care of.

And when I do that, especially on a daily basis... life becomes manageable, peaceful, and happy. And, I get so much pride from knowing that I CAN take care of myself - and I am only dependent on the help of people who ARE dependable now! I no longer have expectations (ie. resentments!!) of my STBXAH helping me, understanding/caring, etc. I do what I need to do and accept that he isn't available.

All of that... brings back my power... and with it comes my self-confidence!

Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon

dollydo

You are, and that is the way it should be, we each, need to look out for ourselves.
Take the time to grieve, then move forward, you are now in the drivers seat.

My best..Dolly

dollydo

You are, and that is the way it should be, we each, need to look out for ourselves.
Take the time to grieve, then move forward, you are now in the drivers seat.

My best..Dolly

dollydo

You are, and that is the way it should be, we each, need to look out for ourselves.
Take the time to grieve, then move forward, you are now in the drivers seat. Drive that car!

My best..Dolly

LifeRecovery

My anger and resentment helped to move me through something....and it made it easier for me to stomach when I viewed it that way.

It was such a new feeling and way of being for me that it was/is messy at times. Lots of shouting which I had never done before.

At least it was different from the doormat I had been previously.

Like a pendulum I kind of went from one extreme to the other. I have faith I will get to a happy medium with it....I just have some growing pains to get there.

skippernlilg

You are, with the help of your HP and reliable support system around you.

I'm a single mom, too. It can be done!!

I actually posted about my resentments also a little over a year ago. It helped me to know that my feelings were valid and I could feel through them without wrecking the life around me. Seeing the good vs. the bad helps me daily now, too.

One of the things I can be grateful for is that I don't have to worry about having to 'take care' of someone else (an adult) who is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. That frees my time to take care of myself and my little boy, who IS actually a child. I realized my adult partner wasn't taking care of me anyway and just blocking my efforts of having peace and doing the right things for my son.

Milly39

You are all so right and I guess I knew it was gonna be me anyway !!!

I go to alanon and hear the slogans. So I really need to get the " one day a at time " made into a sign and stick it to my forehead!!!

I guess I need to make a list of all that needs to be done and to tell myself that its ok if it doesn't all get done this week. Small steps....

It still hurts though, the grieving for what we could of had and now what I've got...but I am thankful that peace has been restored in my home and for tonight I am content in the knowledge that I will sleep soundly.

Thanks All!
M.

DecadesEnd

You are Milly! Forget the resentment, look forward to the future! You are in FULL control of your own life, and it's probably the first time in a long time. If I were you girl, I'd have the remote taped to my behind and dishes in the sink. I'd read a book all day in bed on Sundays and let the kids destroy the house. Who cares as long as everyone is happy?
You are in FULL control Milly, FULL CONTROL. Enjoy it, that's what you're gonna do!
You know what has helped me tremendously? My circle of friends, some of which I didn't know I had until I reached out. They have been a huge support and I couldn't get through the days without them. They are constantly reassuring me I'm doing the right thing and that I DESERVE better. Even if it means I'm alone and peaceful, it's still better. Reach out Milly, you'd be surprised how many people that surround you every day can and will become your cheerleaders.
I for one, am cheering you on like crazy over here! You got this girl!

Cyranoak

It does hurt. The goal for me is to make sure that I don't hurt my daughter when I'm hurting. I've yelled at her when I was pissed at her mom, and usually over some little thing.

Not who I want to be.

I'm glad you are going to Alanon.

Cyranoak

Milly39

Decades..I am lucky I do have some great friends whom I trust with my life and my boys...they are a tremdenous help to me on all levels - I will be reaching out a lot more in the future.
I AM IN CONTROL - YEAAAHHH!!!!!
M.

posiesperson

Yeah, what Cyranoak said...

It's getting much, much, MUCH better, but resentment does pop up sometimes. It's become one of my indicators to myself that I'm needing a meeting...makes ALL the difference for me.

I find that when I'm resentful I'm out of balance with what the issue "really" is. In fact, it's more important for me to know what it is NOT. When I'm resentful I tend to look to positive relationships to sabotage because I'm acting out of an old place inside called "deprivation." And when I fill that place with healthy choices by focussing on myself, I no longer feel reactive and suddenly I can see that what I THOUGHT the resentment was about was NOT really the issue at all!!

Thankfully, I've learned that I hurt myself when I react out of that place. I try to stop, evaluate H.A.L.T., breathe, meditate, get to a meeting, write, etc.

That doesn't mean I catch myself every time, because I don't. Progress, not perfection...

Your friend in single-motherhood,
posie

Thumper

I don't know. I don't have resentment left towards my xah. Mostly because I'm so dang happy not to be away from him! But I struggle with acceptance and how to balance so I'm no so stresses or unhappy. I am still clinging to the dream I wanted even without a partner. It is a life I will never have and I just need to get over it. I am so overwhelmed and I suck at everything. I'm >< close to getting fired because it is a job that is just to big for me right now but I don't know how to survive on a pay cut to do something else, my kids never get what they need and are always acting out, I'm drowning in taking care of my dads business. I am behind on personal business like getting a drivers license and house and insurance stuff. I am struggling with prioritizing a list that all seems important and everything is half done .... And hp doesn't seem to be taking care of my kids or anything else