Debi4vols

So hard to put a "title" on this thread..because I don't know what I'm needing. I'm new here..but after finding this forum yesterday I have spent many hours reading post and relating. My story is so much like others...my husband (of almost 5 yrs) is a recovering alcoholic-3yrs-we are currently separated (3 1/2 months).

Before his recovery he was a binge drinker..distant, detached, self centered, self absorbed, addicted to playstation, playing darts, emotionally unavailable, spent all the money...he ignored my continued pleas to talk about what was wrong..did he love me.etc..etc..etc..he would say nothing is wrong but continued on the same cycle..i was exhausted and lonely....so i left him, moved out, asked for a divorce...i ended up having a brief affair..i know so terribly wrong since i was still married even tho i had moved out but i just wanted loved.

Well that situation sent him straight to rehab..he spent 30 days in-house..with 90 days outpatient. We slowly reconnected..he asked me to participate in family therapy, marriage counseling...he begged me to come home..saying all the things i had longed to hear from him. So i believed him..and trusted him.

First 6-9 months were great....little bumps here and there..he was going to AA religiously..like 5-7x a week..sometime 2x daily..then slowly he stopped going..saying he just can't connect with anyone in there..he's had 3or 4 sponsors..then all his old habits started creeping back in..minus the drinking though. The spending, the additions like playstation, gun club..smoking...distant and extreme negativity. He started complaining about everything...my parenting skills, the time spent with my family and friends..then out of the blue..he brings up the affair--how he had placed me on a pedestal and I just up and left him. That is soooooo not true...he honestly does not remember all the times i beg for his attention..he doesn't recall the nights i would drive all the bars looking for him..calling hospitals, police stations...just to learn later that after the bar closed he went to the strip clubs.

So the last year i have spent in constant defense mode...he lashes out at anything and everything I do...he should know my heart..i've been 100% totally committed to him and his recovery and kept excusing his behavior because he's "recovering". I can keep things on an even keel as long as the focus stays on him..but once i stray off that path such as wanting to go out with my friends..THEN i am not supportive of him..I have to a life.

He had about 6 credit cards that he maxed out..once again month after month I would say "hey you need to stop using the cards" I took them away..but Home Depot will still let you charge whether you have the card or not..grrrr...but now hes filing bankruptcy..he says I abandoned him..even his mother told me I should have put my foot down and said no more spending..I TRIED!!!! hes a grown man..i couldn't follow him around 24/7!!

So anyway..here I sit..45 yrs old..living in an apartment..not a penny to my name..he doesn't care that every bit of the money i have made the last 5 yrs paid his bills to keep him out of bankruptcy..all done in vain. We had marriage counseling yesterday...hurts so bad to hear him tell hear..all he wants is to be love and to feel supported. I just have a loss for words when I hear that..i have loved and supported that i'm emotionally drained.

I have started going to Celebrate Recovery..3 weeks..and was feeling a bit better..until the marriage counseling..he just has a way of making me feel like a total loser. WHY?? I'm a successful business person..with a good job..wonderful family and friends...how does this one individual have such control over me? At first I thought it was because i just loved him so much..but now I think it's because i feel like I'm fighting for my dignity..like how can he tell our marriage couns and his family that i haven't been there for him..that i've abandoned him...that he can find someone who "wants" to be with him and spend time with him..such cr*p....that's all i EVER wanted.

sorry this was so long...i'm just struggling..thank you for listening.

Debi

Learn2Live

I've found many, many times that if I just remove the sick thinker from the equation, I find peace and my life gets indescribably better. I've also found that Why simply does not matter and that my "habit" of needing to know, and continuing to ask Why has ONLY ever kept me STUCK. Here is Why: He is an alcoholic. He is sick. And no amount of love, loyalty, money, time, or energy will change that.

He and his mother are playing a game with you and they will continue to play that sick game to time indefinite. Unless YOU stop. Step off the rollercoaster.

posiesperson

Hi Debi, and welcome to SR! This place helped to save my life and I'm glad you found us.

I want to echo what Learn2Live said...my biggest struggle has been learning how to avoid getting "sucked in" to the insanity. Your husband is just being who he is, with the disease of alcoholism. Who are you, and what do you want your life to look like?

Keep coming back!
posie

Debi4vols

I know what I should be thinking..I know that I can't change him or his thinking..I know this ..I really do..but all it takes is for him to criticize me or one of my girls..and i'm thrown into this mode where I try to change his mind. CRAZY!! I'm doing this to myself...I know...I know..I moved out thinking "ok I'm taking control of my life"..but it just gave him more fuel for the fire. How dare I leave him in such finanicial ruin and emotionally abandon him..How dare me park in the driveway with one tire in the grass..such disrespect.

I'm sure I sound like I'm losing it...I just don't have anyone that I can be this honest with because I fear what other people think...I have started going back to church and celebrate recovery..i know what road to take..I'm just scared. Not sure of what tho..

Hopeworks

Welcome... you are on a good path and in a good place. Read, read, read ... this board and its stickies and there are some good books that are always recommended by most. Codependent No More and Under the Influence will give you a wealth of knowledge about the disease and how we end up believing and acting the way we do around the disease.

When we (codependents) are in a completely dysfunctional relationship with an alcoholic "we love" the alcoholic will overtly or covertly do everything within their psychological power and will to distort your own thinking to make their path and self image as painless as possible.

Manipulation becomes brainwashing when we believe it... when we become independent thinkers through our own recovery (Alanon, message boards, counseling, reading books etc) it can be shocking at how many people are in delusion and collusion with the alcoholic.

We all want to believe the best about our loved one so we deny the truth to ourselves and others ... we want to believe that the "happy ending" is somehow, some way is going to happen.

Sadly... it rarely, rarely happens. It can but the alcoholic must do a LOT of very, very hard work on himself and stay in authentic, real recovery... this is for a lifetime!

You can wring the alcohol out of an asshat and sometimes all you have left is a sober asshat. Some are dry drunks that treatment could help if they were willing and well ...some ... are just asshats!

Debi4vols

Oh my...so true...I research the term "dry drunk" and it so fits my RAH..i guess I did have the attitude that he went to rehab..AA meetings..attend marriage counseling..everything will be perfect.

Is it common for the RAH to feel everyone is out to get him or make his life miserable? Be it his boss, sponser, me..anyone..so quick to judge. oh and so quick to assume the worse in people. Kills me..he knows me and what a people pleaser I am..I don't have a malious bone in my body..and up until a couple of months ago I was the "glass is 1/2 full kinda girl"..i need her back ASAP!!

Thank you for the WELCOMES!!

NeedHappiness

I haven't posted on SR in quite some time, but have been reading.and lurking....AGAIN. I have read both books that Hopeworks has mentioned and they DID help me. I must say one thing tho....it's hard for some of us to "work on ourselves" when we feel so frustrated and overwhelmed with our A's situation. Not meaning to sound like my situation is any worse than anyone else.... My A and I are not married and we have no children together. I still feel like I want to FIX him and the situation and I know for me.... even when I was working on myself, in the back of my mind I was still trying to figure out what I could do to make him all better. I do know that my way of thinking has never worked and I haven't fixed a darn thing. Its so depressing to WANT someone to get better and feel helpless to do so. All the broken promises.... all the ruined family get togethers, vacations, hopes and dreams..... all the accusations... all the "surprises" I totally understand where you are coming from Debi4vols.

IMHO, you have made a wise move by getting your own place and removing yourself (if even for awhile) from the situation. I found it so much easier to find myself again when I could escape into my own world. My heart still ached and I had my weak moments, but you will be okay!!! Keep as busy as you can and get closer to your HP. When he sees that you CAN and will make it without him.... that could be a eye opener for him. Sounds like right now he is putting the focus on YOu instead of his own recovery. Keep your chin up and keep in touch here on SR. this place has made a world of difference for me

HUGS

NYCDoglvr

Great advice, the heart of the matter. I know you deserve much more than you're getting in life. I've seen what you're describing in two alcoholics who started out in AA but stopped going. One relapsed and became a person I cannot even have a phone conversation with. The other one is having a very miserable life: looking for wife number 4, desperate to get married again.

So the ball is in your court. What do YOU intend to do?

Learn2Live

Good lord, trust me girl, I have LOST IT many times, so don't feel bad. Just make sure not to lose it completely. Seriously.

First things first, what I always remind myself when I am so confused and in a pickle like this is Don't Forget to Breathe. Really. Deep breaths. Get into the habit of checking in with your breath.

And yourself. Use the H.A.L.T. rule: Get into the habit of consciously checking in with yourself to see if you are:

Hungry
Angry
Lonely or
Tired.

And if you are any of those things, take care of them first.

Not sure what is Celebrate Recovery but are you going to Al-Anon meetings? If not, please check them out. They saved my life; they grounded me. They made me see that I am not alone and I do not need to be embarrassed or feel judged because everyone there was going through or had gone through the same things as me. They got me moving up out of the funk, out of the crazy, and forward in my life. I haven't stopped since. You can do this. Take a baby step. JUST GO.

Lastly, recognize that this:

What you're describing here is a Hook for you. That's how he hooks you, yes, like a fish. So, seems to me you have two choices: Don't talk to him so that he can't say these words that hook you OR change YOU. Dig down and really do a lot of soul searching, talk to other people, read books on the subject, and search for the reason why YOU are so sensitive to criticism. Is it just criticism from him? Is it because you're trying to prove something to someone? Is it because when you were small you're parents or someone else criticized you horribly? Etc etc. You don't have to answer them here, answer them to yourself. Have you started journaling yet? If not, check it out. Google it. Oprah is a proponent of journaling and has some stuff on her website about it.

Also, maybe try therapy if you can afford it or have coverage. A good therapist can help you move more quickly along with these kinds of things.

I hope something I've said here is useful or helpful to you. Stay strong. Take care of your SELF FIRST. (((hugs)))

Cyranoak

What's done is done so kicking yourself won't be super helpful. Many of us made the same mistakes and have experinced the same feelings.

All of that said, when you find yourself in a hole stop digging. And, if all you are doing is digging don't be surprised when you find yourself in a hole.

Are you ready to stop digging?

Cyranoak

Learn2Live

Oh yes, it is common in my experience. They are all "Poor pitiful me," and "Everyone is ganging up on me." Ridiculous. It gets so old, so fast.

I too am a glass half full kind of girl but I tell ya', I have learned that I just cannot have negative people around me. Just by listening to them, they beat me down, and then they suck me dry. I literally RUN AWAY from people like that. Sounds funny but I'm totally serious. I switched to full prevention mode a couple of years ago, and realized how easily people trick me into their sick games. I have to stay strong in my perspective. You can do this too. Get some distance from him. The longer you can stay away from him, the better!

humnbird

Is it common for the RAH to feel everyone is out to get him or make his life miserable?

YES!! Selfcenteredness, egocentric, selfish whatever you want to call it. Everything is ABOUT them and everything is being done TO them.

he knows me and what a people pleaser I am..I don't have a malicious bone in my body..and up until a couple of months ago I was the "glass is 1/2 full kinda girl"..i need her back ASAP!!
I am the same way (or was) and we are ESPECIALLY vulnerable to being taken advantage of by A's. We like to give, we love to give. They need us to give.

lesliej said a amazing thing to me which I wrote down and read often:
"Of course he wants to keep you! I am sure your patience and hope and love and recovery are extremely attractive. He just can't have them until he gets honest and clean...long term."

Dont let him make you feel small, you are AMAZING

humnbird

Deflecting!! Guilt he is not doing the right thing and trying to make it your fault... AKA delusion. The delusion that you don't love and care for him is insane. Only under that delusion can someone treat you the way youve been treated. But its not right youve done nothing to deserve this!!

I had to comment on this because I completely understand and 100% relate. In my current separation from my longtime ABF I realized how IMPOSSIBLE it was to have a life away from him or outside of us because it was ALWAYS a threat. Where were you? who were you with?... I was at dinner for an hour you crazy person!! Honestly this affected me more than anything, my shrinking life to avoid conflict. Made me so lonely and not like myself for being that woman.


Everything time I talked to my therapist I felt this way. And she always said "where is the room here for your needs? where?"... I could never answer... because it was never about me.. it was about him and what he needed to be ok.


I hope this makes you feel less alone : )

Debi4vols

"shrinking life to avoid conflict"

I've never heard truer words spoken!!

Tonight was another stupid fight that had no substance what-so-ever. I could tell when I call him (he had called a couple of times) he was in a bad mood. Of couse I ask..he says nothing is wrong..for someone who never has anything wrong...he sure has a lot to fuss about.

But the conversation got to the point he started raising his voice...I calmly said "please do not yell"...he said he wasn't as he raised it another octive..again I say "do not raise your voice"...his reply..."this conversation is over" and he hung up on me. My first reaction was to call him back immediately..but I took a deep breath(didn't burst into tears...thats MAJOR) got out of my car..walked in the house. I know for a fact..educating my mind, and reading the posts here had a huge effect on me. I could physically feel myself putting into practice what I had read..not perfectly..but to the best of my ability for now...hey it's a start..I was proud of myself.

Thanks for the brutal honesty and support....I'm so happy I was ready to listen.

Debi

posiesperson

Good for you, Debi!!

There's lots of good stuff here in the responses from other people, so I'll just add that Alanon has been a very important part of my recovery process. I highly recommend it.

It's great that you're here, and I'm glad that you were ready, too.

posie

meganw1972

Hi.

I can relate to alot of what you are saying. My Afiance started drinking for the first time in our relationship 2 wks ago (was sober for years before then). After I told him that I thought we should postpone our wedding which is five months away so that he could focus on his recovery and healing our relationship, he said he was going out to visit his brother. I haven't seen or heard from him since and that was 5 days ago.

I was robbed yesterday, and I really don't expect him to come home even to help me deal with that. There is a part of me that also wants to go out and look for him in the bars, as if ONLY I can talk to him then he would come home. All lies. You can't take on responsibility for his recovery. NO matter how he tries to make it seem like it is all your fault, don't accept this. It is his disease, his issues, that have effected you, not the other way around.

Be strong, try ALANON, which I am starting to find helpful, and don't let what he has to say let you feel like you are less worthy. You deserve love and appreciation. We all do.

Debi4vols

Megan,

I'm so sorry to hear you were robbed!! So happy you are safe!

Is it too much to ask that the person that supposedly loves us be there for us in OUR time of need. I'm learning quickly that the A or RA is soooo selfish that he will take a horrible event in our lives and act so inconvenienced that we need protected or supported. I told my RAH last night..that I am only human..I've been here 24/7 since his beginning recovery 3 years now...when is it my turn? That's a whole new discussion..lol.

Megan..I'm sorry he wasn't there for you..I can only imagine how scared you were...he should have been there for you!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Learn2Live

Hate to state the obvious, but with this guy, yes, it IS too much to ask. And it will always be too much to ask, with perhaps a few exceptions every once in a while. At least, that's been my experience and the experience of hundreds of folks on this forum whose stories I have read. Last ABF I had would be MIA during major events of my life or when a little help was needed, and I'd get an attitude from it, beyond hurt, when all I could think was, "C'mon, throw me a friggin' bone." If they can't be there or help when it's something important, then really, what the hell do I need 'em for?? I DON'T.

Learn2Live

WAY TO GO! I know this sounds stupid but when in the story you said you took a deep breath and didn't burst into tears, I was like "OMG! I hope what I said about not forgetting to breathe had something to do with that!" I have a HUGE smile on my face, And actually feel proud of you! Haha I am such a goofball; had to share that

So now you're lookin' around sayin', "Now where's that 'That Was Easy' button?" right?

Learn2Live