help! - in need of grounding
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
help! - in need of grounding
So, I'd been feeling pretty good, pretty confident in my ability to deal with anything XAH throws out there... Took the LSAT, been house hunting to keep my mind off the possibility that my score will be less than stellar. Found a home that would be perfect for DS and I, that is in our price range and needs work, but work I could handle....
Feeling pretty good about either alternative: Law school (out of state) doing something I've wanted to do since graduating years ago (and caries the bonus of being completely away from XAH and his enablers). Or staying here, getting my own home, keeping my great job that as opps for advancement, staying close to a budding romantic interest. Confident that I could handle living in my own house w only a security system and/or dog for security...
I've been dealing well with the the XAH and x in laws poor ability to keep to the supervised visitation schedule...
And then DS tells me in the car today that he's going to have lots of Christmas-es. One with me, one with Uncle's family, one w Auntie, Grandpa and Daddy, and one w Daddy and GF. That he's seen GF only a couple times because she had surgery on her leg and she didn't have her kids, but now the kids are home.
I can not deal with the cr-p she and XAH throw. I don't think I can do this again.
And just like that, all confidence is gone.
Feeling pretty good about either alternative: Law school (out of state) doing something I've wanted to do since graduating years ago (and caries the bonus of being completely away from XAH and his enablers). Or staying here, getting my own home, keeping my great job that as opps for advancement, staying close to a budding romantic interest. Confident that I could handle living in my own house w only a security system and/or dog for security...
I've been dealing well with the the XAH and x in laws poor ability to keep to the supervised visitation schedule...
And then DS tells me in the car today that he's going to have lots of Christmas-es. One with me, one with Uncle's family, one w Auntie, Grandpa and Daddy, and one w Daddy and GF. That he's seen GF only a couple times because she had surgery on her leg and she didn't have her kids, but now the kids are home.
I can not deal with the cr-p she and XAH throw. I don't think I can do this again.
And just like that, all confidence is gone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
No, I want DS to be open and feel like he can talk w me about anything. Just as I try to be honest w him and still allow him to make his own decisions about his father and what their relationship is.
Dealing w XAH is hard enough. His sly little ways of continuing his abuse tactics, the games, the lies. All while skirting that line of what the courts will turn a blind eye to. ('Oh, but I didnt mean to break the no contact order. I won't do it again.') Dealing w him and his GF is h-ll. He gets her wound up: about me taking all his money so he can't buy DS clothes, so she has to, so he couldn't contribute to rent or anything, about me being a liar about the abuse and the r-s (when he admitted to doing both in court and in front of her), and he is such a good man and father and that I'm keeping DS from him, when he is the one not showing for ANY of DS's events or appointments, even though I forward all the info to him, then some how she'd be emailing or calling me to hurl cr-p at me.
I don't know if I can deal with being double-teamed by them again. It nearly drove me to SU before. I don't want to go back there again. I just really need some one to remind me that I can do this. I really need to hear that I'm not stupid, frigid, venal, a bad mom. Because all of the work I've done to take away the power of those words and phrases has come undone.
Dealing w XAH is hard enough. His sly little ways of continuing his abuse tactics, the games, the lies. All while skirting that line of what the courts will turn a blind eye to. ('Oh, but I didnt mean to break the no contact order. I won't do it again.') Dealing w him and his GF is h-ll. He gets her wound up: about me taking all his money so he can't buy DS clothes, so she has to, so he couldn't contribute to rent or anything, about me being a liar about the abuse and the r-s (when he admitted to doing both in court and in front of her), and he is such a good man and father and that I'm keeping DS from him, when he is the one not showing for ANY of DS's events or appointments, even though I forward all the info to him, then some how she'd be emailing or calling me to hurl cr-p at me.
I don't know if I can deal with being double-teamed by them again. It nearly drove me to SU before. I don't want to go back there again. I just really need some one to remind me that I can do this. I really need to hear that I'm not stupid, frigid, venal, a bad mom. Because all of the work I've done to take away the power of those words and phrases has come undone.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
This is not a competition Uncertainty. It is not "Me compared to her." or "Me versus her." Who said you are a bad mom? And what exactly about what DS said makes you feel badly? Because I'm not entirely following how you got to where you are.
One thing I thought while reading was "Let Go." Let go of any idea that you need to be perfect, or the best. Because you don't. A couple of years ago, I decided to strive instead for "Healthiest." Because I cannot be perfect, NO ONE can. Not even HER.
Also, their XMas with DS is THEIRs. It has NOTHING to do with you. Nothing. What if they decided they were not going to have XMas with DS this year? How would that reflect on you? Or what if they decided XMas was going to be dressing up in Barney suits and going to every door in their neighborhood, handing out Barney marshmallows and reindeer figurines? What would it have to do with you?
NOTHING.
If they want to go to multiple homes for XMas, I'm sure they have their OWN reasons, that have nothing to do with your worth or abilities as a person or a mom. Have you done any Self Esteen work yet? Man, I started doing that work about 8 years ago and I learned so much! You should check out a book or two at the library. Good stuff.
(((hugs))) You can do this. Gracefully.
One thing I thought while reading was "Let Go." Let go of any idea that you need to be perfect, or the best. Because you don't. A couple of years ago, I decided to strive instead for "Healthiest." Because I cannot be perfect, NO ONE can. Not even HER.
Also, their XMas with DS is THEIRs. It has NOTHING to do with you. Nothing. What if they decided they were not going to have XMas with DS this year? How would that reflect on you? Or what if they decided XMas was going to be dressing up in Barney suits and going to every door in their neighborhood, handing out Barney marshmallows and reindeer figurines? What would it have to do with you?
NOTHING.
If they want to go to multiple homes for XMas, I'm sure they have their OWN reasons, that have nothing to do with your worth or abilities as a person or a mom. Have you done any Self Esteen work yet? Man, I started doing that work about 8 years ago and I learned so much! You should check out a book or two at the library. Good stuff.
(((hugs))) You can do this. Gracefully.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I don't have kids so I can only relate to a piece of this.
I am aching for you because of how tough it is to feel like the bad guy even when you aren't. How I get really stuck feeling like the bad guy even when I feel like I have been working so hard to clean my side of the street. It gets really confusing for me and then I start a downward spiral.
My exAH's new wife I really struggled with the idea of her for a bit. I was so worried about her because I knew what was happening, and how bad it could get, and had no control over it. A couple of times during the divorce she got pretty upset with me (we were good friends prior to this).
Two things helped. One is I realized that I could not pray to my HP for her and my exAH because it sounded like a laundry list of what I thought should be done. I did better when I prayed to their HP (because then I could just grant them wellbeing). That allowed me to continue to talk to my HP however I needed to, which frankly at times is a list of how I think things should be done....ah progress not perfection.
When I did this something happened to me (for her...I have not yet been able to do this with him). I realized that on some big level she had done me a cosmic favor. She helped to divert the focus from me during the divorce, etc. She helped me to get angry so I could move through this tough time etc, and most importantly her behavior toward me had nothing to do with me....and I did not need to fix it, try to make it better or "owe" her anything.
I have no idea if that relates at all, but it is what came to mind.
I am aching for you because of how tough it is to feel like the bad guy even when you aren't. How I get really stuck feeling like the bad guy even when I feel like I have been working so hard to clean my side of the street. It gets really confusing for me and then I start a downward spiral.
My exAH's new wife I really struggled with the idea of her for a bit. I was so worried about her because I knew what was happening, and how bad it could get, and had no control over it. A couple of times during the divorce she got pretty upset with me (we were good friends prior to this).
Two things helped. One is I realized that I could not pray to my HP for her and my exAH because it sounded like a laundry list of what I thought should be done. I did better when I prayed to their HP (because then I could just grant them wellbeing). That allowed me to continue to talk to my HP however I needed to, which frankly at times is a list of how I think things should be done....ah progress not perfection.
When I did this something happened to me (for her...I have not yet been able to do this with him). I realized that on some big level she had done me a cosmic favor. She helped to divert the focus from me during the divorce, etc. She helped me to get angry so I could move through this tough time etc, and most importantly her behavior toward me had nothing to do with me....and I did not need to fix it, try to make it better or "owe" her anything.
I have no idea if that relates at all, but it is what came to mind.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
ugh...I'm sorry. Perhaps now is a good time to remind yourself that since you have no power over them, over what they do/say, that it's best for you to step back emotionally and logistically, and go about your business. There really is nothing else to be done...hands on ears, eye shut, yelling "LALALALALALALALAL None of my business!" I know that the GF is annoying, to say the least, but try to keep all contact with her to a minimum...
And perhaps the "going out of state" plan might be a good one if it gets you away from this situation....would there be a way of going out of state even if the law school possibility doesn't materialize?
And perhaps the "going out of state" plan might be a good one if it gets you away from this situation....would there be a way of going out of state even if the law school possibility doesn't materialize?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by theuncertainty 
So, I'd been feeling pretty good, pretty confident in my ability to deal with anything XAH throws out there... Took the LSAT, been house hunting to keep my mind off the possibility that my score will be less than stellar. Found a home that would be perfect for DS and I, that is in our price range and needs work, but work I could handle....
Feeling pretty good about either alternative: Law school (out of state) doing something I've wanted to do since graduating years ago (and caries the bonus of being completely away from XAH and his enablers). Or staying here, getting my own home, keeping my great job that as opps for advancement, staying close to a budding romantic interest. Confident that I could handle living in my own house w only a security system and/or dog for security...
I've been dealing well with the the XAH and x in laws poor ability to keep to the supervised visitation schedule...
And then DS tells me in the car today that he's going to have lots of Christmas-es. One with me, one with Uncle's family, one w Auntie, Grandpa and Daddy, and one w Daddy and GF. That he's seen GF only a couple times because she had surgery on her leg and she didn't have her kids, but now the kids are home.
I can not deal with the cr-p she and XAH throw. I don't think I can do this again.
And just like that, all confidence is gone.
Feeling pretty good about either alternative: Law school (out of state) doing something I've wanted to do since graduating years ago (and caries the bonus of being completely away from XAH and his enablers). Or staying here, getting my own home, keeping my great job that as opps for advancement, staying close to a budding romantic interest. Confident that I could handle living in my own house w only a security system and/or dog for security...
I've been dealing well with the the XAH and x in laws poor ability to keep to the supervised visitation schedule...
And then DS tells me in the car today that he's going to have lots of Christmas-es. One with me, one with Uncle's family, one w Auntie, Grandpa and Daddy, and one w Daddy and GF. That he's seen GF only a couple times because she had surgery on her leg and she didn't have her kids, but now the kids are home.
I can not deal with the cr-p she and XAH throw. I don't think I can do this again.
And just like that, all confidence is gone.
Your child having "lots of Christmas's" is not unusual in a divorce situation and shouldn't have the negative effect on your confidence level in other matters.
It is VERY important that you work through your resentments and anger towards others in your children's life. Please visit this GREAT website :
Up To Parents
Great site! Cannot recommend it highly enough. It is all about the kids and not putting them in the middle of adult conflict that is so very, very damaging to them... the innocents.
Secondly... please do your homework on a career in law especially if you are borrowing the money for this career move. There is a huge glut of lawyers right now (due to the government backed loans) and jobs are very, very scarce. If you are contemplating a student loan you cannot ever get out of them as they cannot be placed in a bankruptcy ... the debt is for life even if you cannot find a job in a industry that has no future.
Have you considered the nursing or health related career? The prospects are much better for an aging America.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Moving will definitely reduce the number of painful, awkward encounters. But it will create more painful, awkward encounters of another flavor. Been there, coming out the other side of that experience! I don't regret for me moving back to my hometown after a 10 year absence. I have been able to achieve a lot more career-wise than I could have had I stayed in his hometown. But I do regret the distance it put between the girls and their Dad.
But alas, the decision has already been made and 8 years have gone by. We are doing great and I am glad my gamble paid off. But the grass is no greener here. Just a different shade, ya know?!
P.S. I have 2 1/2 dogs for protection. My 1/2 dog (the little one) barks at everything. The two pitbulls are sweeties that only sound scary! And I am armed and know how to use it, as do both girls. This is Alaska, after all. ; )
But alas, the decision has already been made and 8 years have gone by. We are doing great and I am glad my gamble paid off. But the grass is no greener here. Just a different shade, ya know?!
P.S. I have 2 1/2 dogs for protection. My 1/2 dog (the little one) barks at everything. The two pitbulls are sweeties that only sound scary! And I am armed and know how to use it, as do both girls. This is Alaska, after all. ; )
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Originally Posted by theuncertainty
No, I want DS to be open and feel like he can talk w me about anything. Just as I try to be honest w him and still allow him to make his own decisions about his father and what their relationship is.
Dealing w XAH is hard enough. His sly little ways of continuing his abuse tactics, the games, the lies. All while skirting that line of what the courts will turn a blind eye to. ('Oh, but I didnt mean to break the no contact order. I won't do it again.') Dealing w him and his GF is h-ll. He gets her wound up: about me taking all his money so he can't buy DS clothes, so she has to, so he couldn't contribute to rent or anything, about me being a liar about the abuse and the r-s (when he admitted to doing both in court and in front of her), and he is such a good man and father and that I'm keeping DS from him, when he is the one not showing for ANY of DS's events or appointments, even though I forward all the info to him, then some how she'd be emailing or calling me to hurl cr-p at me.
I don't know if I can deal with being double-teamed by them again. It nearly drove me to SU before. I don't want to go back there again. I just really need some one to remind me that I can do this. I really need to hear that I'm not stupid, frigid, venal, a bad mom. Because all of the work I've done to take away the power of those words and phrases has come undone.
Dealing w XAH is hard enough. His sly little ways of continuing his abuse tactics, the games, the lies. All while skirting that line of what the courts will turn a blind eye to. ('Oh, but I didnt mean to break the no contact order. I won't do it again.') Dealing w him and his GF is h-ll. He gets her wound up: about me taking all his money so he can't buy DS clothes, so she has to, so he couldn't contribute to rent or anything, about me being a liar about the abuse and the r-s (when he admitted to doing both in court and in front of her), and he is such a good man and father and that I'm keeping DS from him, when he is the one not showing for ANY of DS's events or appointments, even though I forward all the info to him, then some how she'd be emailing or calling me to hurl cr-p at me.
I don't know if I can deal with being double-teamed by them again. It nearly drove me to SU before. I don't want to go back there again. I just really need some one to remind me that I can do this. I really need to hear that I'm not stupid, frigid, venal, a bad mom. Because all of the work I've done to take away the power of those words and phrases has come undone.
You are a good mom. It's GREAT for kids to have the attitude that they get to have 'that many Christmases', instead of the "oh GAWSH, I can't have my family together". That means your son is taking the best possible optimism from this new situation. GOOD JOB, MOM!!
Next: It sounds like you are very concerned about the next innocent victim your Ex fools. (I did this, too). Remember, she's a grown adult, and she will find things out on her own. He has to lie to her to protect his way of life. Leopards do not change their spots. I used to think: "good, someone else gets to deal with him now!" Let go. You can't save this world.
You are doing great in your own world!! YEA!!
If they call you, email you, contact you in any way about money here or time there, just stick with the court order and be very cordial. Your kids are watching! (like Jiminy Cricket and Santa). You can do this!!
I have lots of experience with this situation, and if you'd like to message me privately, I'm glad to 'talk'. I'm a member of a single moms group (for the last 11 years) and lots of these situations have happened and been solved successfully.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I relate:
Feeling unprotected by a pair of toxic people. If I have one quality it is HONESTY. Being subject to lies, gossip, is bullying and it hurt me. I have tried to let this go realizing who I am. If you know who you are and remind yourself often, its more difficult for others to make you doubt yourself. Besides we can´t control what others think or say or do anyway. If they are behaving in some way, they will have to face their HP at some point.
I relate about an EX with a 'new' woman, besides the alcohol, and everything else this is one more low jab in the whole hurting combo. I don´t know if you feel like this but I was jealous and compared myself to her 800 times... well.. remember this woman might be believing your EX´s lies just as you did when you first met him... not a love story more like an enabler story. Maybe one of these days she is around SR sharing what we all share here. Deserves compassion. I hope you can have minimal contact with her.
Also (not saying this might be your feeling but this is what I experienced) I spent Christmases with my dad and his "new woman". It felt weird and even when we have "grown closer" throughout the years, the level of warmth/trust/affection is ZERO compared to what I felt and feel for my mom. I know my mom felt replaced but that never happened nor will happen in my heart, my mom is my mom period, even if dad wanted to date Miss Universe or whatever.
Lastly: are you allowed legally to move to another state? just asking...
When I was going through my own hell with XABF I was about to resign my good job. I am so glad I didn´t. Leaving everything is very tempting but you can also stay where you are and get through this and live a happy life .Yes you can, I know because for me it has been 3 years already with no contact or limited contact, now it hurts much less or no more, I am finding places and good people here... time heals... so don´t feel pressured to go anywhere... I am with the others in regards to investing in yourself, I still got a long way to go... when I start cultivating the "inner peace" "inner garden" I have a safe place to resort to anytime... peace is not anywhere else, talks a nomad from a family of nomads always leaving from difficult situations (that is life, after all). Peace is an inner thing... achievable "here and now". That book.. "dont sweat the small stuff" says :"practice being in the middle of the eye of the storm, when there is chaos outside, be peaceful and calm, its a passing storm"
Thanks for letting me share.
HUGS!!
Feeling unprotected by a pair of toxic people. If I have one quality it is HONESTY. Being subject to lies, gossip, is bullying and it hurt me. I have tried to let this go realizing who I am. If you know who you are and remind yourself often, its more difficult for others to make you doubt yourself. Besides we can´t control what others think or say or do anyway. If they are behaving in some way, they will have to face their HP at some point.
I relate about an EX with a 'new' woman, besides the alcohol, and everything else this is one more low jab in the whole hurting combo. I don´t know if you feel like this but I was jealous and compared myself to her 800 times... well.. remember this woman might be believing your EX´s lies just as you did when you first met him... not a love story more like an enabler story. Maybe one of these days she is around SR sharing what we all share here. Deserves compassion. I hope you can have minimal contact with her.
Also (not saying this might be your feeling but this is what I experienced) I spent Christmases with my dad and his "new woman". It felt weird and even when we have "grown closer" throughout the years, the level of warmth/trust/affection is ZERO compared to what I felt and feel for my mom. I know my mom felt replaced but that never happened nor will happen in my heart, my mom is my mom period, even if dad wanted to date Miss Universe or whatever.
Lastly: are you allowed legally to move to another state? just asking...
When I was going through my own hell with XABF I was about to resign my good job. I am so glad I didn´t. Leaving everything is very tempting but you can also stay where you are and get through this and live a happy life .Yes you can, I know because for me it has been 3 years already with no contact or limited contact, now it hurts much less or no more, I am finding places and good people here... time heals... so don´t feel pressured to go anywhere... I am with the others in regards to investing in yourself, I still got a long way to go... when I start cultivating the "inner peace" "inner garden" I have a safe place to resort to anytime... peace is not anywhere else, talks a nomad from a family of nomads always leaving from difficult situations (that is life, after all). Peace is an inner thing... achievable "here and now". That book.. "dont sweat the small stuff" says :"practice being in the middle of the eye of the storm, when there is chaos outside, be peaceful and calm, its a passing storm"
Thanks for letting me share.
HUGS!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
You sound like a GREAT Mom and an AWESOME person to me. It really sounds like you have your act together.
It almost seems like you need go no contact with her. Is there any reason you actually need to be in touch with her? She is not his wife, has no legal relationship with your son and she sounds abusive. Is she the go-between for making arrangements? If you are able to communicate via email with your ex, it seems to me that she should be cut out of the picture.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that "I know what I know." Even if someone else wants to paint a different picture of reality, even if I wish others understood. You know the score with your X and his behavior - you were there, you are not crazy, you saw what he did and no matter what some delusional woman wants to say - You know what you know.
And yes, you can definitely do this.
It almost seems like you need go no contact with her. Is there any reason you actually need to be in touch with her? She is not his wife, has no legal relationship with your son and she sounds abusive. Is she the go-between for making arrangements? If you are able to communicate via email with your ex, it seems to me that she should be cut out of the picture.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that "I know what I know." Even if someone else wants to paint a different picture of reality, even if I wish others understood. You know the score with your X and his behavior - you were there, you are not crazy, you saw what he did and no matter what some delusional woman wants to say - You know what you know.
And yes, you can definitely do this.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
TU,
I think you have been doing FANTASTIC--it's so great that you have all these possibilities, opportunities at your feet. You are gonna be dealing with the X for a long, long time, so you can't let yourself get derailed by every little development (and, trust me, on the scale of stuff that could be going on, what you have here is a major annoyance, but that's all it has to be--unless YOU make it more than that).
Save your energy for the important stuff. I'm not suggesting your feelings aren't important, but it really isn't their job to worry about your feelings. YOU have to take care of your feelings, and you're doing good stuff to that end. If it makes you feel any better, I just retired from my job--there--I just provided you with a legal vacancy.
I think your plans sound great. Keep doing what brings you closer to your goals--the rest will take care of itself. It really will. You do NOT have to let other people bring you down.
Hugs,
Lexie
I think you have been doing FANTASTIC--it's so great that you have all these possibilities, opportunities at your feet. You are gonna be dealing with the X for a long, long time, so you can't let yourself get derailed by every little development (and, trust me, on the scale of stuff that could be going on, what you have here is a major annoyance, but that's all it has to be--unless YOU make it more than that).
Save your energy for the important stuff. I'm not suggesting your feelings aren't important, but it really isn't their job to worry about your feelings. YOU have to take care of your feelings, and you're doing good stuff to that end. If it makes you feel any better, I just retired from my job--there--I just provided you with a legal vacancy.
I think your plans sound great. Keep doing what brings you closer to your goals--the rest will take care of itself. It really will. You do NOT have to let other people bring you down.
Hugs,
Lexie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
It’s not about DS getting lots of Christmas’.
It’s not about DS talking to me about his Dad and the GF. I want DS to be able to talk with me. I want him to make up his own mind about what his Dad is. (Which he’s already doing: “My dad’s had A LOT of jobs. He’s got ANOTHER new one now. That’s a lot of jobs. Right?” My response “Yep, kiddo. He’s been lucky.”) For the record, my response to DS about Christmas was “Wonderful news! That should be lots of great new memories!” I shared that info just to explain how I found out. I guess it was extraneous; I have a hard time explaining myself sometimes. I overshare or leave out important info.
Thanks to all who showed concern for DS and how important it is to keep him out of the middle of the adult issues and the conflict. I know how important it; and I really think I’ve been doing a good job. He knows his momma is afraid of his father because I could not hide how much I would shake when XAH showed up, but he doesn’t know the details of WHY (DV and SA). He doesn’t hear about what cr-p his father or the enablers have pulled this weekend. He’s kissed goodbye with a smile and a “Have fun” each weekend and greeted with a hug and a “What cool stuff did you do?” Occasionally through the weeks he is reminded about safety planning, safe touch, and keeping his phone charged.
What it comes down to, I guess, is feeling so alone in all this. Because I can’t, I can’t in good conscious ask the guy I’ve just started dating to get pulled into this dynamic. (I fear XAH’s reaction when he finds out I’m dating and I fear for my safety and the safety of any one else involved.) I can’t expect my sister and her family to continue dropping everything twice each weekend to help me hand DS over to or from his abusive father and his enablers. I can’t continue to ask others to act as the buffer. And I don’t think I can deal with the relentless onslaught of cr-p from XAH and his enablers alone without breaking further.
It’s not about DS talking to me about his Dad and the GF. I want DS to be able to talk with me. I want him to make up his own mind about what his Dad is. (Which he’s already doing: “My dad’s had A LOT of jobs. He’s got ANOTHER new one now. That’s a lot of jobs. Right?” My response “Yep, kiddo. He’s been lucky.”) For the record, my response to DS about Christmas was “Wonderful news! That should be lots of great new memories!” I shared that info just to explain how I found out. I guess it was extraneous; I have a hard time explaining myself sometimes. I overshare or leave out important info.
Thanks to all who showed concern for DS and how important it is to keep him out of the middle of the adult issues and the conflict. I know how important it; and I really think I’ve been doing a good job. He knows his momma is afraid of his father because I could not hide how much I would shake when XAH showed up, but he doesn’t know the details of WHY (DV and SA). He doesn’t hear about what cr-p his father or the enablers have pulled this weekend. He’s kissed goodbye with a smile and a “Have fun” each weekend and greeted with a hug and a “What cool stuff did you do?” Occasionally through the weeks he is reminded about safety planning, safe touch, and keeping his phone charged.
What it comes down to, I guess, is feeling so alone in all this. Because I can’t, I can’t in good conscious ask the guy I’ve just started dating to get pulled into this dynamic. (I fear XAH’s reaction when he finds out I’m dating and I fear for my safety and the safety of any one else involved.) I can’t expect my sister and her family to continue dropping everything twice each weekend to help me hand DS over to or from his abusive father and his enablers. I can’t continue to ask others to act as the buffer. And I don’t think I can deal with the relentless onslaught of cr-p from XAH and his enablers alone without breaking further.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You aren't alone--you've got us, for one thing. I'm wondering, are there any DV support groups or counselors around your area? Al-Anon is great for so much, but the abuse stuff sometimes benefits for specialized support. It kinda sounds to me like a lot of what you are dealing with is along the lines of PTSD--it kind of makes you go on hyper-alert even when there isn't any actual danger.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
As far as moving out of state, an attorney I consulted stated that at least as far as school was concerned, it looked like I'd be able to, I already have legal custody and primary physical custody, XAH has supervised visitation. He didn't see any reason that I could be held back. He did caution that I would want to consider coming back every summer because the alternative might be 'worse than the arrangement is now.' He let me know that I'd want to file a motion to modify the visitation at LEAST 3 month ahead.
Trust me, I'm not doing ANYTHING in a rush or without significant forethought.
I've been out of college since 1995, pondered law school since then. I've been in this job for over 8 years (personal record for staying in one town), with multiple raises and promotions, and opportunities for further advancement; I've made it safely through 2 rounds of layoffs. I won't just let it go without consideration, no matter how much dealing with XAH makes me want to just RUN.
I've been looking at houses for over 3 years... Every time the search has stopped, it's been after a scare from XAH. I want to say this time I won't let him scare me out of it, but...
Trust me, I'm not doing ANYTHING in a rush or without significant forethought.
I've been out of college since 1995, pondered law school since then. I've been in this job for over 8 years (personal record for staying in one town), with multiple raises and promotions, and opportunities for further advancement; I've made it safely through 2 rounds of layoffs. I won't just let it go without consideration, no matter how much dealing with XAH makes me want to just RUN.I've been looking at houses for over 3 years... Every time the search has stopped, it's been after a scare from XAH. I want to say this time I won't let him scare me out of it, but...
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by Hanna
She is not his wife, has no legal relationship with your son and she sounds abusive.
Lexie, I am being treated for PTSD and I am going to support groups for DV. I've been told support groups for SA would be helpful, but I'm not ready. Or I'm afraid to; though I do use an online support board for it.
All the above makes it really hard for me to trust my perception...
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
You don't have to "just get over it" and when was that ever good advice!?
If she keeps up the nonsense, I would seriously consider trying to get the order changed so that someone else has to supervise.
How old is your son? Look - I don't even know you but it sounds like you've got this. It might not feel like it, but you've made it this far and you are doing really really well. Stick around and let us help with the moral support.
If she keeps up the nonsense, I would seriously consider trying to get the order changed so that someone else has to supervise.
How old is your son? Look - I don't even know you but it sounds like you've got this. It might not feel like it, but you've made it this far and you are doing really really well. Stick around and let us help with the moral support.
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