MilWife07

At my first meeting the whole issue of being Co-dependent was HUGE. I honestly do not feel I'm co-dependent, but maybe I just don't know what I am looking for. I refuse to do things for him that are beyond the scope of what a stay at home mom/wife should do. A lot of things tend to be tit for tat with AH and myself. I'd say I was co-dependent on men when I was a teenager, but realized where that got me. AH is a very functional alcoholic. So maybe it just hasn't gotten to that point yet. I'm so confused! MAybe I will hit up the chat room too.

Meggy

I think being married to an alcoholic makes being a codependent almost inevitable. You (and by you I mean people in general, ie me) make excuses why your AH cannot go to functions, you buy light beer with the groceries or go to the store late at night so he won't drive drunk, you hide the extent of the problem from family and friends to spare his shame. Those things could be seen as supporting your AH but in a non alcoholic household they would not be necessary. Maybe I am misunderstanding what a codependent is though, I'm kinda new to talking about this.

Learn2Live

Codependence, to me, describes a relationship, not a person. The "Co" in Codependent requires there to be two people. Useful to me was learning about different relationship types and how humans move and grow thru types of relationships. If you Google "dependent, codependent and interdependent relationships," you'll probably get some good reading material on the subject. I refuse to be in a codependent relationship again.

Learn2Live

I agree with Meggy, people such as alcoholics and addicts will suck you in to codependence, even while you are unaware. It's part of the reason I refuse to ever be in a relationship w one ever again. Again, it takes two and you can refuse, but likely if they are alcoholic or addicted, they are dependent on you for some things they might not otherwise depend on others for.

DMC

I don't think that people are inherently codependent (ok, well some might be); rather that the most typical way of coping with living with an alcoholic happens to be fairly universal - and that most of us fell into that typical strategy without realizing it.

Learn2Live

Good point DMC. And some of us were born, raised, and indoctrinated into that way of thinking and relating. Codependence was what was modeled for us as we grew, and we knew nothing else even existed. All thanks to growing up with an alcoholic or addict.

choublak

I do not know. My family is very old school and doesn't really "believe" in codependency. I personally think that a lot of times in relationships with alcoholics/addicts, you need to keep unhealthy behaviors in check.

LifeRecovery

For me my behavior has been on a continueum (sp?) of behavior. For me the codependent actions with others was in place before I met the loved on in my life who struggled with addiction.

I had read and was working on this before meeting him (and it was already better). For me there was a lot of things that I did not do because of that work. What I got into trouble with though was feeling like every fight was my fault, everything he told me was right etc. I listened to "him" too much and myself not enough.

I like the quote someone has in their sign off. To paraphrase: Codependency is not a poor relationship with someone else, it is a lack of relationship with yourself. For me that rang very true.

I am better with this then I was and am grateful that I did the work I did before meeting my loved one. I think I needed to meet him though for the lessons I needed to learn and where I am today.

skippernlilg

While I think keeping unhealthy behaviors in check is important while in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict, I also believe that unhealthy behaviors beget unhealthy behaviors. Just by being an addict or alcoholic, that person already presents unhealthy behavior in his/her relationships.

It's a tough challenge not to slide into codependency. (I've never really liked that terminology either, but like they say, it is what it is.)

TakingCharge999

Or with someone depressed, I do not come from an alcoholic household yet I feel very close to ACOA's sharing many of the helpless feelings they faced...

Cyranoak

...but in my experience most people engaged with alcoholism long term are either codependent or alcoholic. People who are not get the hell out.

That said, I'd encourage you to continue going to Alanon meetings with an open mind. Maybe you are not codependent, maybe you are, but his drinking is a problem for you either way.

Take care,

Cyranoak