meganw1972

I could really use some help. I am engaged to a man who had been several years sober. I never had before seen what he is like when he drinks. Well a week ago, we had an argument, it wasn't a huge argument, but for the first time in our relationship he left the house with a bag of cloths and drank for a day. Because of my text messages asking that he come home, he did that night, told me it was all his fault, and dove right into AA. He had 5 days sober and kept asking me if I was thinking of postponing our wedding. Finally I told him that I thought that we should postpone our wedding (which was five months away) both so that he could focus on his recovery and we could heal. He became extremely upset and starting telling me that he didn't believe that I loved him or thought that he was good enough for me, which is not true, I still lvoed him and wanted to marry him.

he left the house telling me he was going to his brothers and would be back that night. It has now been 4 days and I haven't heard from him except an occ text message saying things like "you tore me up." He won't talk to me on the phone, and now I haven't heard from him at all in 2 days. I don't know what he is thinking, if he wants to break up, if he is too scared to face me, if he is too angry.

I have never had this happen, where you can't even try to fix the relationship because the person won't talk to you. At this point I don't know what to think, before he left we still had a pretty strong relationship, but now I don't know if we can even be together. I don't know if I should break up with him. A part of me blames myself for telling him too soon into his recovery that I wanted to postpone the wedding. Did I? What is he most likely feeling and how should I act when he comes home. I went to Alanon and didn't find it helpful. Help!

BenRadBel

As for Al-Anon keep going back. I too was in that boat - postponed the wedding, but ended up doing it anyway (invitations were already sent). A year and a half later I am divorced. That was my situation - all I can say is listen to your gut. Alcoholism is a terrible disease and yes it will affect you the rest of your life. If one little conflict sent him over the edge, he is not in recovery. Read everything you can find on it. I lived a life of hell for 1.5 years. Remember nothing you say or do causes him to drink. You can't cure it, you didn't cause it and you cannot control it - the disease of alcoholism. You have found an awesome website - read everything you can is all I can stress. I didn't think "my" alcoholic was THAT bad - but guess what.... he was. Postpone the wedding until you are sure. It will save you heartache, sleepless nights and sanity. Just be sure - have no doubt! I wish I would have listened when my gut told me not to do it!

Wishing you luck.

humnbird

Welcome to the forum!

You have every right to postpone your wedding. No one in their right mind would commit a lifetime to someone with 5 months of sobriety.

The dynamic and story of your relationship reminds me so much of my own.. Alcoholics are THE MOST sensitive people (myself being one). without recovery our effed up brain runs us and we operate on baseless fears.

My exbf used to ask me things along those lines, really just looking for reassurance. If I said anything "healthy" like "I would love to marry you, but need you to quit smoking and fix your credit" he would FLIP out and try to make me feel so the worst person on this planet, and claim I didn't love him.

I'm sure youll get lots of solution here, but just wanted to let you know youre not crazy, you're not alone, and not wrong for asking for what you need!

Cyranoak

You didn't cause his relapse, and his blaming you is a huge red flag. AA specifically teaches them it is not the fault of others when they relapse. And, it is a tenant of our beliefs in recovery circles that people such as us did not cause their drinking, can't control it, can't cure it, but can contribute to it with codependant and/or enabling behaviors.

Did I mention that his relapse and how he is handling it is a huge red flag? Especially the gaslighting blaming you, and his other manipulative behavior?

If you marry this man you are exposing yourself to a potential hell you cannot even imagine, but that so many of us on this board have lived or continue to live.

I strongly recommend that you go to at least six Alanon meetings before even considering marrying this man.

I can tell you, and so will most other people on this board, just being in love isn't even remotely enough to deal with this situation. Love does not conquer all, it doesn't cure all, and it sure as hell doesn't cure alcoholism.

Good luck and take care.

Cyranoak

Willybluedog

Hello Megan and welcome to the SR family,

When someone tells you they are not good enough for you that is a self-esteem issue, may be related to Alcoholism, may be related to depression, I know that couples counseling and individual counseling was a huge help for me, it allowed me to deal with our issues in a safe environment.

Right now it would be my advice to leave him alone, let him come to you when he is ready, how you respond when an if he returns is up to you.

Hope this works out for you, best of luck,

Bill

heathersweeds

Hi Megan....I am a recvering alcoholic and Ive been in a relationship with an active drinker my guess right now as to where hes been the last 4 days is on a bender! Thats why he wont talk to you on the phone and when he really feels sorry for himself he'll text you how you tore him up. He is in a pile of self inflicted pity right now and I agree with everyone else...You need to really think about this. If he is a binge drinker his days of dissappearing have just begun and will go longer than 4 days. Im sorry to lay this on you like this but the pain of dealing with this now is a lot better than what could come. This alcoholism is terrible and believe me his relapse started long before the day he drank. They teach us nothing is worth picking up Ive heard of people loosing their own children and staying sober! So please dont think its your fault....be strong!!!!

Learn2Live

"You tore me up" is a way to get you to take the blame for his behavior, his drinking. Don't fall for it; don't entertain the thoughts because it is poison! First they will put doubt in your mind about yourself, get you to question yourself just as you are doing. And as time goes by, he will subtly blame you for more and more, and you will begin to feel that Guilt! It gnaws at you and keeps you STUCK in a sick, sick game that has driven me half crazy!

A few years sober is nothing. Means nothing. I thought it meant the person was strong. It does not. All it means is he got a few years sober. Your BF has relapsed.

You did not cause it,
You cannot cure it, and
You cannot control it.

Kudos to you for postponing the wedding to give him what he needs to work on his Recovery!!! That was a truly loving and caring thing to do! Now hold to it Don't let him convince you it was anything but truly loving and caring.

About not hearing from him for 4 days, my guess is, he's on a bender and he's not calling you because (1) He's drunk, etc (2) It's a game. Don't play it. Get yourself busy with you, your life, your family, and your friends.

Learn2Live

PS Last ABF (alcoholic boyfriend) I had would go on benders, usually for a week at a time. I did not know where he was, and would not call or text to find out. I do not appreciate being dumped like that but that was his M.O. I've had a few BFs like that. I can tell you one thing, though, I've learned from too much horrible experience not to have unprotected sex with them after being dumped like that. Not trying to scare you, just don't want anyone to go thru what I went thru when I first "Learned" about alcoholism and benders. The awakening was so rude it nearly killed me.

Meggy

It sounds like he is blaming you for his relapse, and if you are having doubt I would urge you to listen to them. It's much harder leaving 10 years later when you have 4 kids and a mortgage to deal with. A marriage can be postponed and if he is committed to you and his recovery he will understand that he has to be healthy before the wedding.

tabatha

Even if he hadn't relapsed and was not an alcoholic running away from a conflict that could possibly be resolved by staying and working it out gives you a good clue and insight as to how he would try to resolve anything later on in the marriage.

NeverQuit

Postponing seems the right first step. I did that too, although the resulting marriage has been a continual decent into the wine pit. I did not listen to my gut feeling, that little voice inside. I was "not in my right mind" then and I dearly regret it.

meganw1972

Thanks so much. I really feel like I am getting support here, especially in that it is not my fault and in postponing the wedding. I really appreciate it, thanks.

skippernlilg

It's good to take a step back, give yourself some time, and you'll get the clarity you need to make sound decisions about your life.

A note about Al-anon: I had to visit a few different groups before I found one that 'fit'. I'm really glad I didn't give up looking. It's helped me tremendously.

m1k3

I've got to agree with Skipper. Especially about the Al-Anon part. It took me 5 or 6 different meetings until I found my home group.

And, just in case you didn't know, Al-Anon is not about giving you the tools to get your alcoholic to stop drinking, it is about giving you the tools to help yourself. You are going through a lot right now and it is having an impact on you. His mind games aren't going to help and alcoholics are masters at mind games. Something you will see around here a lot is that alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.

My experience is that Al-Anon really helped me to find my center and get my life back in order after separating from my alcoholic wife of 36 years. I went from a very dark place to enjoying life and being happy again.

Your friend,

amy55

Hi Megan,

I have a question for you. Think about it. In this argument, were you more adamant for a resolution than in past arguments?

The reason that I ask this is because my XAH did the same thing, he would run away from home, in the beginning we would have a disagreement, and I would just cave in, just so I would not get into an argument, then after years and years of this, I became stronger, and I wanted resolutions to problems, instead of them being ignored. That's when I found out that he was not capable of trying to resolve problems, if I did not just cave in, he would "run away from home".

At first it would be for a few hours, and he would come back drunk, then it turned into a few days, by the end of my marriage, he was running away from home for up to 3 months. He wouldn't call me, wouldn't answer the phone, nothing. Then he would call and say that he is coming home, or text me that. He would show up, and everything was supposed to be OK, because according to him, we weren't fighting for the last 3 months, so why are you still mad???????

and yes, when he "ran away from home" he was at the bars, because, "what else was he supposed to do"?

NYCDoglvr

This is alcoholic manipulation.

Alcoholics are "self-centered in the extreme" (this comes from AA's Big Book). Has he indicated that he cares how YOU feel? If he does this kind of thing again, dump him. Because what you see now is what you get with an active alcoholic.

akrasia

Yes, he gave you a strangely-wrapped gift.

He probably felt like drinking again and decided to pick a fight with you beforehand, so he'd have someone to blame.

And now he's gone off? Do you live together? Can you just text him one last time to let him know his things have been packed into storage, and then you can get on with your life?

djayr

The "you tore me up" is a guilt trip. A's are big on guilt trips. It's manipulative. You didn't do anything wrong. Tread carefully.

TakingCharge999

They say here alcoholics don´t have relationships, they take hostages.
I have seen how alcoholics push people to share home or wed because they know its harder for the partner to leave, that way.
Listen to your instinct! sending you hugs.

meganw1972

Thanks for all the support. At this point it has been 5 days since I last saw him. he has been sleeping at his mother's, but still hasn't called me. I was robbed yesterday, and will leave a message with his mother this am saying that I really need him to come home, but at this point, I doubt that will happen. I doubt I will even see him before Christmas. His job has given him exactly one week, which will be up on Monday, to get his act together or he is fired. I doubt he will by that time. What a waste.