NYCDoglvr

It helps to know the characteristics of an active alcoholic. This is from AA's Big Book: grandiose, enormous ego combined with low self-esteem, self-centered in the extreme. Your husband sounds pretty typical to me. If you think you can change him, you can't. Only he can decide if/when he will stop drinking.

It helps to ask ourselves: is this the life I want for myself and my child? If it isn't, then it's a good idea to learn how to make changes. My heart goes out to you....

CagedBird

He is pretty typical from all I have read about alcoholics, and the people I have talked to that have lived with them. I am aware that he is in all probablility never going to change, and I really think that in his case, his rock bottom will be the grave.

If I had the financial capability right now to jump ship, I would. Unfortunately I am limited there, but I do have a plan, and am working my way out. I should have my own place by March.

That works for me.

Hanna

I hear determination in your posts. Wish we had a fund so that no one had to wait to make changes, but am glad you have a plan.

chronsweet

CB - Man, our situations sound so much the same. Except I won't be financially ready until May. I keep hoping and wishing that my ABF would understand the pain I live with in dealing with his alcoholism. We also have a 2 year old son (he'll be 2 in Jan. '12).

I get the same exact thing about the sex! I try to tell him I cannot have sex with a slobbering drunk that treats me like crap, he doesn't get it. I don't understand HOW he can't get that. LOL. He threatens to go 'find someone' to have sex with and is SURE that I am cheating on him with someone at work (we work together). No matter how many times I try to tell him to get some help w/ the alcohol, he just accuses me of being cold and shrewd and other names I won't mention.

To be honest, after this relationship, I am wondering if I will EVER feel sexual again, and I am ONLY 36. LOL! I used to have a pretty healthy outlook on intimacy and now, the very act seems unimaginable. Pretty darn sad if you ask me. I even try to tell my ABF that many A's go thru this phase about sexual intimacy with their partners and that he needs to get a grip. I give up. He can think whatever the heck he wants to.

My ABF does get loud and boisterous and I fall into the trap sometimes, but am learning that ignoring him works best. When he was lashing out at me this weekend, I would just say QUACK...QUACK... to him. It made him mad but he stopped only after telling me I was childish. I laughed.

Grandiosity, narcissism, low self-esteem masked with a superiority complex all seem to go hand in hand with this disease. It's as if they know they are hooked and have to feel in control of something. When they start losing control over us, they have to passive aggressively OR aggressively prove their own self worth thru make themselves seem so important.

I was SUPPOSED to get myself to an Al-Anon meeting this weekend, but didn't manage. I really gotta do that. When I mentioned I was going to go to one to ABF he got all butt hurt looking and had a bit of arrogance. LOL. Whatever.

I did tell ABF that if he didn't start actively seeking help that I would be out in May. We will see what happens. I am NOT holding my breath, believe me!

You are not alone and I am rooting for you! I never imagined dealing with this, and I am sure you didn't either.

CagedBird

I'm seriously starting to wonder about AH's mental comprehension. It's like NOTHING is sinking in.

He came home today in a good mood, DS was taking a nap.

He asks if we can fool around.


SERIOUSLY!?!


I (again) told him that there are other things that we need to work on before we can even talk about sex.


I am completely baffled.



Then he retreated to the other side of the house for an hour or so, watched some tv, before packing a bag and walking out without saying anything to me, or our DS (who was now awake).




I'm mostly feeling sad for DS at this point. You can't even say goodbye to your 2 year old? Really? Nice.

CagedBird

I am right there with you... I'm 28, and the thought is almost foreign to me. Which is kind of funny, since AH "hints" that he thinks I'm cheating on a fairly regular basis.

sesh

Don't feel baffled.
If you ask me his behaviour is quite typical.
He's unwilling/unable to see he is the one with the problem, so he's blaming it all on you.
It is sure easier than admiting it has something to do with him.
My husband is in recovery for some 8 months now, and to be honest I have no idea if he still understands how crazy his behaviour was or if he ever will. But to be even more honest I don't really care. I don't need that kind of validation. All I need from him is to try to be the best person he can today, which is exactly what he is doing. ...
Anyways, I don't think he is going to stay away for long this time either, most likely he'd be back soon acting like nothing happened...
Hang in there. March is just around the corner. In the meantime take care of yourself and try not to get engaged as much as you can.
take care

Milly39

Caged...I really feel for you.
Its sounds like such an impossible situation so I hope you can stick it our until March. Do you have a plan B incase ?
Take care of yourself and the little one.
M.

CagedBird

I was suprised and thankful to find him NOT at home when I got here today. Wondering how long he'll last.

Talked to another lawyer today. Feeling more optimistic. Hoping to get things going soon. (with the Divorce)