New here, pregnant, living with alcoholic, SCARED

Old 12-10-2011, 12:39 AM
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New here, pregnant, living with alcoholic, SCARED

I am 35 yrs old, 3 months pregnant, living with my boyfriend. We have been together less than a year and everything has moved really fast for us.

When I met him, he drank socially. Once I got to know him, I knew that he occasionally drank to deal with a lot of pain from earlier situations in his life. Silly me, I thought if I helped him through his problems and helped him get his life back on track, things would be different. Now, I find myself pregnant, scared, and dealing blindly with an alcoholic (I have no idea what to do/say in this situation).

Last time he had a huge binge, I got really upset, chucked his mostly full gallon-like bottle of vodka off our balcony and told him if he kept it up, I would leave him. He was good for a long time. He recently lost his job & has had no luck finding one. He also has a court date (trial) in January for driving on a suspended license after a DUI. He must complete community service (he refuses) OR pay a $2000 fine. If he doesn't, he will go to jail. Two nights ago he got very depressed and began fighting with me about what a bitch I was being for not letting him get drunk to "deal" with his problems. The next day he spent money we can't afford to spend, on another HUGE bottle of vodka & began drinking it like it was water. I told him that I could not believe he did that. His defense was "I didn't use YOUR money". I told him I wasn't going to be around him if he was going to do this. I'm under enough stress being pregnant, broke, working 2 jobs to support us, worrying he'll go to jail, and everything else to sit through his verbal abuse and erratic behavior when he gets wasted. I had plans to meet up with an old friend that night and asked my boyfriends sister if I could sleep at her house that night. Spending time with my friend, I lost track of time. It was 11pm when I tried to go to his sisters. They were in bed & didn't answer phone. I had nowhere else to go but home to my situation.

When I arrived home, he was sober, but we were still fighting. I had to work a 12 hour shift the next day & just went to bed. Around 1 am, I awoke to all the lights on in the bedroom (which I was trying to sleep in), a loud movie on tv in bedroom, blaring music from kitchen, and him yelling and slurring profanity at the world. I got up, seriously irate, shut off the lights and yelled at him aboutt how I'm pregnant & have to work 12 hour shift and would like to get SOME sleep! Then slammed the bedroom door. I laid there, fuming for hours, then crying until I fell asleep. I just got through the worst work day of my life. I am surprised I didn't have a serious nervous breakdown or get fired. I tried to text him throughout the day, some texts letting him know how hurt & upset I was and some expressing my desire to talk about things, but I only wanted to talk if he was sober when I got home. I later got a text from him telling me that he refused to read any of my texts and that if I wanted to talk to him, he'd be home (considering we only have MY car since his was impounded, I knew he'd be home). I was furious that he was being so immature. I tried calling him on my break at work later, and he picked up & immediately hung up.

I got home from work 5 hours ago. He was sober, or appeared to be. I was too tired to fight. He never said a word and I went to bed because I was exhausted. Currently, I am lying next to him, wide awake, stressed out, while he is peacefully sleeping.

I am scared that I will lose the baby with all this stress. I've hardly slept in the past three nights. I've eaten ONE meal in the last 36 hours. I got in a screaming fight with one of my elderly Alheimers residents at the assisted living facility where I work (not like me AT ALL). I cried half the day and did a lot of my work half-ass. I'm worried that I will lose MY job.

He is a truly wonderful man and most loving boyfriend when he is not depressed and drunk.

He is very much against the use of antidepressants and refuses to go to AA because he has some twisted opinion that Christianity is ruining the world.

My options are to stay with him & deal with this, possibly being all alone soon when he has to do jail time, since he has no money saved & has no job. Or to have my parents once again, rescue me from another bad relationship, uproot my whole life and move in with them 3 hours away. They would probably make me get a restraining order against him & he would never know his child. I haven't even figured out how to explain to my parents that my "baby-daddy" is going to jail. This will not go over well. Even though they have no right to criticize since my brother is also an alcoholic, has had 2 DUIs, and spent quite a few nights here & there in jail for his drunken behavior.

I'm at my wits end. I love him with all my heart and I want to raise my child with him, just not the drunk him. All of my friends say he is a loser & I should leave him. His family seems to be the only understanding support I have and they don't know how to deal with him either.

Please help me. I need advice. I need help.

Oh yeah one more things, he cannot get a job that drug tests because he refuses to give up smoking marijuana. That is a whole other issue.
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Old 12-10-2011, 12:48 AM
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I should also mention that living with my parents is not the "safe haven" it may sound like. My mother is and has always been extremely verbally abusive towards me, I spent ten years in counseling and finally moved 3 hours away from her ON PURPOSE.
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Old 12-10-2011, 05:43 AM
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You have a lot on your plate! You've found a good place to get some help and to understand that there are many others who have lived your story too and you are not alone. There is a lot of good information in the stickies (at the top of the page in this forum). Take some time to relax and read those, and several threads.

You don't have to do or decide anything right this minute (unless you don't feel safe, and you sound more frustrated than unsafe). You can slow down and think about some smaller steps you can take.

I would place your health at the top of the list. Please try to eat something and rest when you can. I know at 3 months I was exhausted all the time! Perhaps speak to your doctor about your situation. Maybe he/she may have suggestions to help with your nutriution when you are too stressed to eat much.

Once you decide to make yourself (and your child) your focus, instead of your ABF, it is surprising how options suddenly appear, in little ways and in big ways. This isn't selfish, it's good sense. You can't "fix" ABF or his situation, but you can work on you and your situation.

Sending warm thoughts your way.
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Old 12-10-2011, 06:58 AM
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Welcome, though I am so glad for the reason you are here. I agree with the above post, and say how much I relate to yours.

Al-anon really helped me to learn what was mine and what was not mine in the quagmire of addiction. It also gave me some healthy support. Al-anon is for friends and families of alcoholics.

Sending kinds thoughts to you.
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Old 12-10-2011, 09:03 AM
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Welcome to SR! Some good wisdom so far; I couldn't agree more with taking the focus off the alcoholic and putting it back on you and your baby. It's easier said than done, but once you do it, you will feel better.

None of us here have any magic answer on what to do with your BF; short of leaving the relationship to protect yourself. Sounds as if he intends to continue to drink, regardless. Acceptance of that is imperative; it is his choice, after all. Accepting your reality as it is right now, not how you would like it to be, is most important and also the hardest thing to do!

Take care of you and that baby! Keep coming back.

P.S. Fighting with an alcoholic is no different than fighting with someone with dementia. Huge waste of time, energy, and emotions on a pointless endeavor.
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Old 12-10-2011, 09:06 AM
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I made an error in my typing and meant to type I am so sad for the reason you are here...but glad you found us.
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Old 12-10-2011, 09:46 AM
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Idaley,

Oh gosh. I can see why you're so upset. I was also pregnant and in a stressed relationship several years ago, and I learned something very valuable. That stressed relationship gave me clarity. I could focus on the baby and then all the right decisions came to the surface.

With Al-anon I've learned the three C's:

You didn't Cause it
You can't cure it
and you can't control it.

One of the most helpful resources to me was getting myself to an Al-anon meeting so I could learn to detach with love.

You're dealing with a string of emotions that is normal with pregnancy on top of a crazy schedule. Your feelings are valid, and you can feel them but make sound decisions not based on feelings alone. Al-anon taught me that.

If you are unable to attend Al-anon meetings in person because of this crazy schedule, then you might be able to read the permanent posts above this forum. We call them 'stickies'. You might get some wisdom from reading on this board, reading the big book of AA, "Courage to Change" or any and all of the resources available.

No, you did not choose this for yourself and your baby. But, you can be equipped to makes some right choices.
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Old 12-10-2011, 09:49 AM
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Your unborn child needs your utmost attention. Take the focus off the boyfriend, put it on the baby.
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Old 12-11-2011, 12:33 AM
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Thank you for all of your words of understanding and encouragement. I am going to try to attend Alanon meetings when I can.

I spent my day today being more focused on taking care of myself and the baby, like remembering to eat, rest, and drink more water. I asked my facebook friends to send prayers my way. This afternoon I got a text from him saying that he wanted to work things out and that he loves me.

He thinks I overreacted. I disagree, but have the wisdom to know that he's not at the point where he can see his drinking as a problem and trying to convince him now, is pointless. Instead I am trying to explain how he disrespected me and my feelings. Working on other core issues in our relationship.

I know that this is nowhere near the end of these problems and my struggle. I have long road ahead of me. In the long run, whether I stay or go, we will always be attached in life by our child and. His problems will always be a factor. I need to gain as many "tools" as I can to cope.
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Old 12-11-2011, 12:42 AM
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Sending you hugs ldaley (((BIG BEAR HUGS)))

Remember the HALT rule.

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

Scan yourself often for HALT and take care of the most basic needs. Food, sleep...
My friend was divorcing while pregnant, it was a hard process but she kept talking to the unborn baby telling her what was going on "mom is upset but it has nothing to do with you.."

Both are happy and striving and the household is peaceful and holds lots of laughter.

I hope all the best for you. Take care of YOU, I am cheering for you and your health/sanity, I get how it feels like.
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Old 12-11-2011, 03:46 AM
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What about option 3 - move out by yourself? I don't see why you'd have to go home to your parents.
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Old 12-11-2011, 05:41 AM
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I was thinking the same...he is not contributing to the household as you are working 2 jobs, and pregnant on top of this. You are doing physical labor to boot if you work in a nursing home. He sounds extremely selfish and immature in his daily behavior....he has no right to have a pity-party on your dime.

could you consider a living situation with a helpful calm roommate instead of this insane drunk? because until he wants to stop, he's going to keep doing the same thing.

Please take care of yourself...whose name is the lease in?
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Old 12-11-2011, 07:36 AM
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We tend to think of the world in black and white. For example, thinking that we only have two options in a situation. But the world we really live in full of color...and there are almost always many more than two options.
From your letter, here's what I know about your boyfriend: He's a binge drinker and an alcoholic. He's in trouble with the law. He's unemployed and living off your income. He's going to jail, rather than pay the fine. He's a drug user. He doesn't want to stop drinking.
Yet you love him and want him to raise your child. The heart wants what the heart wants...but a lot of the time, the heart needs to take a backseat and let the brain run the show.
You're working two jobs. That may not be enough to support you and your alcoholic boyfriend, but surely it's enough to support you? I mean, you're making it and think how much money you'll save not buying alcohol and pot and with one less mouth to feed.
You know, the reality is: This has absolutely nothing to do with your boyfriend. This is all about you, what kind of life you want for yourself, what you're willing to settle for in a relationship and why you're attracted to bad relationships.
You may not even drink, but you've got a problem with alcohol and it's making your life unmanageable. Try this: Get on the internet and look for an Al-Anon meeting in your area. Al-Anon is a support group for the family and friends of alcoholics. Make a commitment (to yourself) to go to six meetings. Some people say 6 different meetings, but I think it takes a few meetings just to get a feel for how it works. And just listen. You won't be asked to speak--but you can if you want to. You'll find the people are warm, supportive and they don't judge. They are going through the same things you are. When you get the courage to speak about your own situation, (and I believe that you will find that courage), you'll find that sharing brings a real sense of relief. And you'll find that your "secrets", the things you can't share with your parents or your friends, look a lot less scary once they see the light of day.
I really hope you find what you're looking for here. Both you and your baby deserve a good life, and raising a child is hard work. Raising a child and supporting an alcoholic may be too much for you. Eventually, most of us here have found that alcoholism is too much for us and we all needed help to deal with it, and to heal from it. Best wishes for you....
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Old 12-11-2011, 07:38 AM
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Get out of this. It will not get better anytime soon. It will be a bad situation for you and your baby. He will not help you with the baby, he will only make it harder to raise the baby peacefully. I mean, do you want him to watch the baby while you sleep? Do you think he'd be good alone with a baby? Imagine the scene of finally getting a colicky baby off to dreamland after hours of rocking and having him come in the room, drunk and yelling and turning on all the lights! This is the kind of thing that will happen.

Alcoholism turns nice people into unrecognizable monsters. My ex LOVED his son so much, they were like two peas in a pod. Once my ex became an alcoholic, he changed completely. He now only rarely sees his son and breaks dates with him, etc. He can only be with our son supervised, but even supervised it's not a good situation because he cries and complains to my son all the time (it's like my son is the parent), and he only hangs out with my son for a very short while before he gets bored and leaves, etc. If your guy is currently an alcoholic, and he no doubt is, he is incapable of being a good parent right now. Maybe he will get sober someday, but maybe not and your kid deserves more. Let him try to get sober on his own, you don't need to drag the kid through this.

Sorry if I sound too definite about the fact that you must leave, but I just know how this is going to go and I hope that you will not be another statistic.
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Old 12-11-2011, 08:13 AM
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Hi,

Sorry you're in this situation. But you ARE in it, and I know it feels so completely overwhelming right now that it's tough to imagine how it will ever work out OK. It's easy to fantasize that he will suddenly see what he stands to lose and he will get his act together, get sober, and you will all live happily ever after. It rarely works that way, at least not without a lot of pain along the way.

One of the principles of Al-Anon is First Things First. Number one here is taking care of yourself and your unborn child. Your bf is an adult--even though he is acting like a child (and may currently be unable to act any differently)--and if choices must be made, you must consider your own needs, and those of the baby, first.

The observation that arguing with him is like arguing with someone with dementia is right on. The arguments are lost on him. He can hear them, but he is incapable of processing them rationally.

Do you HAVE to leave him? Only you can answer that question. But going to Al-Anon might give you some strategies for making your life a bit more peaceful and less chaotic, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. Once you are able to get to a more peaceful place, you can make decisions about what's best without making them out of a sense of panic.

Sometimes a temporary break from your living situation can give you some breathing room. That's another idea to consider.

Hugs, stick around here. Since he's the baby's father, you will be dealing with him in some fashion for a long time to come. The sooner you get going on effective ways of taking care of yourself, the better.
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Old 12-11-2011, 05:27 PM
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Nothing to add here, just (((HUGS))) and take care of YOU FIRST.
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