Need Perspective, Especially From Sober Parents
To thine own self be true.
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Originally Posted by XXXXXXXXXX 
How long have you been with her father? Is the relationship new? Is he the "A" in your life?
When I first moved in with X, his son (8) was there most of the time. Since X spent alot of this time with alcohol, and his mother spent her time working, I became a surrogate parent pretty quickly.
I understand surrogate parenting; have done it "part-time" several times, so you and I have a shared understanding, thank you.
I found that dss really tried boundries in the beginning. He was jealous of time A and I spent together. He would do insane things for attention, from throwing a rock through the window to flushing $100 down the toilet. It took alot of time for things to get cohesive.
Thank you for the response XXXXXXXXXX.
To thine own self be true.
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Hi Thumper!
I was thinking this too, but I also was thinking this is something she has learned from her mother. Every time I have seen this woman, she is SCREAMING.
I think this is how I would have reacted too, but I can't second guess BF's reaction to it, which was basically to ignore it. It's probably a good thing I did not witness it because likely I would have lost my head and started screaming at her, which she does not need because this is the way her mother acts.
Oh, no. I would not allow anyone to beat holes in my house.
Yes, she is very persistent and determined, but this is the first time I have seen it applied toward getting her own way. I think it's a really good quality she has, but it's being used in a way I'm not so sure about.
THIS is a huge question for me so thanks for bringing this up! Do you think it is a little extreme for me to say, "You cannot stand out in the road, otherwise you cannot come to my house," as a boundary?
Yes, this is part of the reason her Road Behavior occurred. Because we have been trying to conduct our visitation weekends so that they see and can hopefully practice consistent routine and schedules. We want them to see what adults have to do on weekends in order to prepare for the workweek (the mother does not work). Which is what their dad was doing when the daughter wanted him to stop and do what she wanted to do.
Oh no! Sorry. Hope the counseling helps.
I will share this with him and see what he thinks. Do you really think this is about anger and disappointment? IDK because I still have issues figuring out my own anger responses.
Excellent point! Best to keep cool. Probably best that I did not see cause then I would have been the spinning head LOL!
Thank you Thumper, for your response. Always good to see your posts
Originally Posted by Thumper
IMO his is the same thing as kicking and screaming in the grocery store for a candy bar.
Since this is very dangerous I would walk out there and physically drag her off the street and she sure as heck would not get what she wanted at the end of it.
I have a hard time with my 10yo too. Last night he threw (literally) a ton of stuff out of his room and beat a hole in his door :sigh:
So much about parenting is out smarting and out lasting them - and some kids are very very persistent and determined. My 10yo is to say the least and it sounds like she is too.
...(and what happens when they are not met) really pay off in the long run.
Consistency and routine/schedules are NOT my strong suite. Ugh.
The other thing is my 10yo is not a good problem solver in general and when he gets upset he goes from zero to 60 and explodes - lacking the impuslve control and problem solving skills to find a better way. He also tries to bully me. He thought that huge hissy fit was going to get him out of a consequence. Um no. So, part of what I am trying to do (and he has a counselor) is learn problem sovling skills that are functional. Coping skills that help him calm down.
She clearly had a problem. If she is willing to talk about it to you or her dad, part of the approach could be to teach her what to do instead of having a screaming fit in the street. How do we solve problems, negotiate, get our needs and wants discussed and met. How do we handle our anger and disappointment? She probably doesn't know how. Then, on some minor things - give in if she approaches it correctly. If she gets upset and handles it correctly acknowledge that for her. Easier said then done. I try this and it is hard because he is so oppostional that he just covers his ears and refuses to talk even if I'm paying him a compliment.
Oh, one last thing I have learned. If zI go haywire the problem is no longer theirs. It is the mine. The kids sit back and think "Wow, look at her head spin. She is UPSET. She has a problem. Me? I'm just watching the show." So I try very hard to remain calm. They calm down sooner because they mirror that frustration and upset, and the problem remains theirs, not mine. Not sure if that is going on for yours situation but it is huge for my house so thought I'd share.
Thank you Thumper, for your response. Always good to see your posts
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Originally Posted by wellnowwhat
She asked him two times "normally," over the course of about an hour, and each time she asked, he explained to her that he could not do it right away, and that she would have to wait.
One of my daughters has a poor sense of time, and is incredibly impatient. With her we found out that in our interactions with her it helped if we became more specific and avoided an open-ended "later" type of answer. If we could be more specific and say, "not now, I am in the middle of ....., but ask me again at XX p.m. or in half an hour" she would be much better. And of course, we would try to hold up our end of things.
One of my daughters has a poor sense of time, and is incredibly impatient. With her we found out that in our interactions with her it helped if we became more specific and avoided an open-ended "later" type of answer. If we could be more specific and say, "not now, I am in the middle of ....., but ask me again at XX p.m. or in half an hour" she would be much better. And of course, we would try to hold up our end of things.
L
To thine own self be true.
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Hi m1k3, thank you! I like your idea!
None that I know of. That is what the dad and I have been discussing, what SHOULD be the consequences. I think it has to be meaningful, especially since it will be two weeks between the time it happened (it occurred at the end of their last visitation weekend) and the next time she will be here. But I want to make sure we are not blowing things out of proportion, overreacting, etc. To me, she was threatening bodily harm to herself, death even, if she did not get what she wanted, or get HIM to do what she wanted, when she wanted. I'm totally serious about the death thing too; the house is on a slight incline to where you cannot see the cars or buses coming, but they are coming at a very high rate of speed. I do not even allow adults to stand out next to their cars and talk, for instance, when they are leaving my house, that's how bad it is.
This is an EXCELLENT idea! Thank you! Especially because reading, writing, spelling, etc are her weak subjects at school. Do you think it's OK to make something she's struggling with a "punishment" though?
I don't think we can use grounding. We only get them every other weekend. Not even sure what we would ground her from, as most of what visitation weekend is, is just spending time together.
Oh, yes, very much so. Thank you again.
Originally Posted by m1k3
L2L, what were the consequences of her action?
When my girls were about that age the typical result of behavior similar to that would be you were grounded until you wrote a paper explaining why you thought what you did was wrong. It got them to think about what happened. The paper also had to have correct spelling and grammar appropriate to their grade level. Sometimes we got papers explaining why they thought what they did was not wrong and if the explanation was good enough it was accepted. The paper always was followed with a discussion so everyone had a chance to present their point of view.
I don't think we can use grounding. We only get them every other weekend. Not even sure what we would ground her from, as most of what visitation weekend is, is just spending time together.
Don't know if this helps or not.
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I'm glad it helped.
BTW the grounding was only as long as it took to write the report for lack of a better word.
You don't have to be as strict on the spelling and grammar but I wouldn't accept any old thing she scribbled down. There should be some reflection and thought put into it.
God, I hate using should in a post even though in this case it's appropriate.
Your friend,
BTW the grounding was only as long as it took to write the report for lack of a better word.
You don't have to be as strict on the spelling and grammar but I wouldn't accept any old thing she scribbled down. There should be some reflection and thought put into it.
God, I hate using should in a post even though in this case it's appropriate.
Your friend,
once in a . . .
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Thank you Blue. Did she ever doing anything so drastic? To me, she was threatening him to allow herself to be hit by a bus going 60 MPH, . . .
Wish I had some good input for you! But I send you my very best wishes!
Blue
ps. she has 4 little sisters who are NOTHING like her! go figure
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"We also limited how many times we would say things to: "mention once, ask twice, no third: grounding begins". This way she knew we would not keep asking for her to complete the job. The "ask twice" often took the form of "o.k., this is two, please....".
This is similar to 1-2-3 Magic, which is an excellent program. The DVD is a bit pricey but soooo worth it. If a child is used to the behavior working then that behavior may escalate when you initially implement a program but with consistancy it really can lead to a more peaceful environment.
My bonus boy is only 3 and we have him the majority of the time but he does bounce back and forth between homes. Birth mom is not good at setting boundaries and has a lot of trouble controlling him. I've shared the DVD with her, because it's been very effective in our home, but she hasn't found the time to watch it yet.
This is similar to 1-2-3 Magic, which is an excellent program. The DVD is a bit pricey but soooo worth it. If a child is used to the behavior working then that behavior may escalate when you initially implement a program but with consistancy it really can lead to a more peaceful environment.
My bonus boy is only 3 and we have him the majority of the time but he does bounce back and forth between homes. Birth mom is not good at setting boundaries and has a lot of trouble controlling him. I've shared the DVD with her, because it's been very effective in our home, but she hasn't found the time to watch it yet.
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Above all, safety first. I too, would have dragged her from the road.
JMHO, but this child is just screaming for attention. Kids act out for a reason. She is expressing herself the only way she knows how. I don't know if she learned behavior from her mama, that's not the issue. You have an opportunity here to let here know that she doesn't have to act like this when she is at your home.
I do not know what your BF was doing that he could not stop and give her the attention she needed, considering they only visit every other weekend, perhaps adjusting your schedule to accomodate the kids needs. Household chores, will always be there.
It has been proven that the most important relationship a child has, is with the opposite sex parent. Maybe she justs needs a little extra "special" one on one time with dad. Kids are less likely to act out when they feel secure and loved.
Mom's and Dad's separate and divorce everyday. They move on, get new BF's and GF's, the kids don't get a voice in any of this, they don't get any choice. As adults, we have difficulty in processing and accepting a divorce. How can we expect our kids to know what to do or how to act? They are just kids.
This is a good opportunity to add more structure, security and love to these kids lives. We can only lead by example. Raising kids is alot of work, it's a 24/7 job. Looking back over the years, my girls are now adults, it was the best job I ever had..............
JMHO, but this child is just screaming for attention. Kids act out for a reason. She is expressing herself the only way she knows how. I don't know if she learned behavior from her mama, that's not the issue. You have an opportunity here to let here know that she doesn't have to act like this when she is at your home.
I do not know what your BF was doing that he could not stop and give her the attention she needed, considering they only visit every other weekend, perhaps adjusting your schedule to accomodate the kids needs. Household chores, will always be there.
It has been proven that the most important relationship a child has, is with the opposite sex parent. Maybe she justs needs a little extra "special" one on one time with dad. Kids are less likely to act out when they feel secure and loved.
Mom's and Dad's separate and divorce everyday. They move on, get new BF's and GF's, the kids don't get a voice in any of this, they don't get any choice. As adults, we have difficulty in processing and accepting a divorce. How can we expect our kids to know what to do or how to act? They are just kids.
This is a good opportunity to add more structure, security and love to these kids lives. We can only lead by example. Raising kids is alot of work, it's a 24/7 job. Looking back over the years, my girls are now adults, it was the best job I ever had..............
To thine own self be true.
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Thank you for this information Thlayli. I am going to check the library to see if the DVD is available there!
This is good to know, so I will be aware of it if it happens.
I'm sorry, what is a "bonus boy?"
Originally Posted by Thlayli
If a child is used to the behavior working then that behavior may escalate when you initially implement a program but with consistancy it really can lead to a more peaceful environment.
My bonus boy is only 3 and we have him the majority of the time but he does bounce back and forth between homes. Birth mom is not good at setting boundaries and has a lot of trouble controlling him. I've shared the DVD with her, because it's been very effective in our home, but she hasn't found the time to watch it yet.
To thine own self be true.
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I found this to be a very important point in dealing with my children after divorcing their A father. To me, "I will do it later" meant just that. To them, it was a trigger. So many times in their lives they had been told by the alcoholic that he would do it "later," and so many times it never happened. They did not trust in "later." I had to be more specific and I had to make sure I followed through.
L
L
I just don't know too much about their life with their mom, and honestly, I don't want to know too much. All I can do (I think) is make a concerted effort to be as level-headed, predictable, and consistent as possible with them, and when they are here, and encourage their father to do the same. He is pretty consistent with them though and does not often not do what they want to do, or follow up with them on things.
Thanks so much for pointing this out. I will make sure to also explain this to him as it is quite valid.
To thine own self be true.
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Originally Posted by m1k3
BTW the grounding was only as long as it took to write the report for lack of a better word.
You don't have to be as strict on the spelling and grammar but I wouldn't accept any old thing she scribbled down. There should be some reflection and thought put into it.
God, I hate using should in a post even though in this case it's appropriate.
Good sense of self-reflection though!!! 
LOL a little, cause as Codependents, I believe we do need to "re-set" our sense of balance, I think, as to when we are overstepping our bounds. Took quite a while for me to re-set it, myself, but it becomes second nature. At least, in "romantic" relationships, for me, it has.Thanks again.
To thine own self be true.
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Thank you marie1960, for the thoughtful response
I understand and feel the same way. But 1. She's not my child, so 2. I am not going to start second-guessing his parenting methods. I choose to maintain a certain distance from the parenting of these children because I know firsthand what not doing so will get me. And I'm just not going back there.
I do know that he lived with that type of behavior from their mother for years and somehow escaped that situation relatively unscathed by it. He is very good at Detachment and, in fact, I have been learning from him how to let things roll off my back. Of course, there is likely a healthier balance but again, I am not going to start telling him how to parent his own children. That is not my business or my place. I can only make suggestions about how to handle this going forward, as he has asked.
I'm trying to process this and take from it something that rings true for me but not finding anything yet Just talking out loud: I don't believe she is screaming for attention. Her father does not ignore her; he is a very attentive father, plays with his children, devotes almost all of his income and energy to them and their care, picks them up as much as he possibly can given the many hours he works every day and every week. He does for and gives to them before he does anything for himself. To his own detriment, IMO. He would literally give them the food out of his own mouth. I have been trying to encourage him to start taking better care of himself FIRST.
I agree, she was acting out for a reason, and as far as I can tell, that reason was because she wanted him to OBEY her and jump to it. Really, that is how he relates to them, they tell him what to do and he just does it. Maybe that is called "spoiling," I don't know??? What I do know is that in my particular family of origin, this type of speaking would not have been tolerated by either of my parents, from any of us kids, toward either of our parents. But my parents were maybe more traditional as others, IDK? I'd really appreciate more parent's perspectives on this, the way their children speak to them, what standards they might have set for children this age regarding the way they speak to you, etc , if anyone has anything to share.
IMO, the question of whether or not she learned this behavior from her mother is EXACTLY my issue and why I am posting it. IMO It is alcoholic, drug-addicted behavior. I have never seen a child, or a sober adult for that matter, do any such thing. Except when a person is on drugs and alcohol. I've had several people in my life threaten self-harm or suicide, and I did not understand it other than to say it is pure Drama and Manipulation. I'm not saying you are wrong, because that is exactly what I wanted, other perspectives and ideas so that I could think through them to determine whether or not this is learned behavior, or whether this child might need to see a medical professional. So thank you.
This is awesome, thanks for that. I will put that on the list. I like the idea to stress that she does not HAVE TO act this way, that there are other alternatives!
Again, we have been trying to demonstrate for them consistency and predictability, and how to establish that in their lives. They are, as far as I can tell from what they have told me, left mostly unsupervised when they are at home, while the mother does her own thing. They often are not home but at other people's houses after school and on the weekends, I think to get away from the alcoholic addict.
I understand your question and feedback, I have thought the same way about others in the past. But to me, now, I see that as judging him, judging his parenting choices, and would appreciate anyone else's perspective on this. As I said earlier, he does not neglect the children or ignore them. This is a small home so even when they are two rooms away playing video games or something, it is as if they are right next to you. And she is the kind of child who participates in EVERYthing we do that is "chores," whether that is mowing the lawn, cooking, building things, etc. Normally, if she wanted attention, she would just jump right on in and do what we are doing.
You're preachin to the choir on this one I hear what you are saying and will suggest it to him that they do something "Dad and daughter" related but honestly, this kid is a well-adjusted kid who has no problem grabbing dad's attention when she wants it, in playful, not damaging, ways.
I agree. I don't think this is about the divorce, though.
That's what he is trying to do, and me too.
Thank you again for your feedback and perspectives!
Originally Posted by marie1960
Above all, safety first. I too, would have dragged her from the road.
I do know that he lived with that type of behavior from their mother for years and somehow escaped that situation relatively unscathed by it. He is very good at Detachment and, in fact, I have been learning from him how to let things roll off my back. Of course, there is likely a healthier balance but again, I am not going to start telling him how to parent his own children. That is not my business or my place. I can only make suggestions about how to handle this going forward, as he has asked.
JMHO, but this child is just screaming for attention. Kids act out for a reason. She is expressing herself the only way she knows how. I don't know if she learned behavior from her mama, that's not the issue.
Just talking out loud: I don't believe she is screaming for attention. Her father does not ignore her; he is a very attentive father, plays with his children, devotes almost all of his income and energy to them and their care, picks them up as much as he possibly can given the many hours he works every day and every week. He does for and gives to them before he does anything for himself. To his own detriment, IMO. He would literally give them the food out of his own mouth. I have been trying to encourage him to start taking better care of himself FIRST. I agree, she was acting out for a reason, and as far as I can tell, that reason was because she wanted him to OBEY her and jump to it. Really, that is how he relates to them, they tell him what to do and he just does it. Maybe that is called "spoiling," I don't know??? What I do know is that in my particular family of origin, this type of speaking would not have been tolerated by either of my parents, from any of us kids, toward either of our parents. But my parents were maybe more traditional as others, IDK? I'd really appreciate more parent's perspectives on this, the way their children speak to them, what standards they might have set for children this age regarding the way they speak to you, etc , if anyone has anything to share.
IMO, the question of whether or not she learned this behavior from her mother is EXACTLY my issue and why I am posting it. IMO It is alcoholic, drug-addicted behavior. I have never seen a child, or a sober adult for that matter, do any such thing. Except when a person is on drugs and alcohol. I've had several people in my life threaten self-harm or suicide, and I did not understand it other than to say it is pure Drama and Manipulation. I'm not saying you are wrong, because that is exactly what I wanted, other perspectives and ideas so that I could think through them to determine whether or not this is learned behavior, or whether this child might need to see a medical professional. So thank you.
You have an opportunity here to let here know that she doesn't have to act like this when she is at your home.
I do not know what your BF was doing that he could not stop and give her the attention she needed, considering they only visit every other weekend, perhaps adjusting your schedule to accomodate the kids needs. Household chores, will always be there.
I understand your question and feedback, I have thought the same way about others in the past. But to me, now, I see that as judging him, judging his parenting choices, and would appreciate anyone else's perspective on this. As I said earlier, he does not neglect the children or ignore them. This is a small home so even when they are two rooms away playing video games or something, it is as if they are right next to you. And she is the kind of child who participates in EVERYthing we do that is "chores," whether that is mowing the lawn, cooking, building things, etc. Normally, if she wanted attention, she would just jump right on in and do what we are doing.
It has been proven that the most important relationship a child has, is with the opposite sex parent. Maybe she justs needs a little extra "special" one on one time with dad. Kids are less likely to act out when they feel secure and loved.
I hear what you are saying and will suggest it to him that they do something "Dad and daughter" related but honestly, this kid is a well-adjusted kid who has no problem grabbing dad's attention when she wants it, in playful, not damaging, ways.
Mom's and Dad's separate and divorce everyday. They move on, get new BF's and GF's, the kids don't get a voice in any of this, they don't get any choice. As adults, we have difficulty in processing and accepting a divorce. How can we expect our kids to know what to do or how to act? They are just kids.
This is a good opportunity to add more structure, security and love to these kids lives. We can only lead by example. Raising kids is alot of work, it's a 24/7 job. Looking back over the years, my girls are now adults, it was the best job I ever had..............
Thank you again for your feedback and perspectives!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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I didn't quote but in another thread you spoke about how they talk to their dad disrespectfully - if he doesn't do anything about that himself I think you are in for a long and losing battle on that front. That issue is his to deal with, or not.
Yes! The frustrating thing is that the qualities that can make for very successful adults can make for very challenging children
Do you and her dad live together? If so this is a very tricky thing. As a parent I won't make a boundary that says if you punch a hole in my wall I'm going to send you away and/or not allow you back. I might make your life so miserable you wish I would, but I won't. I will parent you when you behave and I will parent you when you misbehave. You are safe and secure. Children of divorce have a lot of anxiety around the safety and security of their positions in a parents life. If you don't live together then it makes sense to have a boundary like that. You and her have a different relationship.
This is such a good point. So often the behavior is just a symptom. Consequences have their place but the real answers are in addressing the underlying issue. The more I think about it this was such an extreme reaction. She quite literally stood in a the street screaming at him....and he ignored her. Which I may have done too so I'm not throwing stones. I have to remind myself that with kids every situation has two answers. One is a logical result of the misbehavior, and one is what to do about why it happened. My son will get a logical consequence but that alone is not going to keep him from doing it again. I have to address why it happened. I have to come up with some better ways of handling similar situations and help him learn better ways too because if we don't - we'll be in the same boat again and again.
I really love the writing idea. It has a lot of merit. I don't use it for a couple of reasons but if you think she'd do it I would try. I do family meetings where we can discuss things and sometimes that works well. We negotiate and talk about issues. Lots of give and take or at least a lot for a bunch of boys. They don't really talk much unless it concerns their allowance or an annoying brother, except one of the 5yo. I have to cut him off - he never stops
Yes, she is very persistent and determined, but this is the first time I have seen it applied toward getting her own way. I think it's a really good quality she has, but it's being used in a way I'm not so sure about.
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
...........
Oh, no. I would not allow anyone to beat holes in my house. .................
THIS is a huge question for me so thanks for bringing this up! Do you think it is a little extreme for me to say, "You cannot stand out in the road, otherwise you cannot come to my house," as a boundary?
Oh, no. I would not allow anyone to beat holes in my house. .................
THIS is a huge question for me so thanks for bringing this up! Do you think it is a little extreme for me to say, "You cannot stand out in the road, otherwise you cannot come to my house," as a boundary?
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I found this to be a very important point in dealing with my children after divorcing their A father. To me, "I will do it later" meant just that. To them, it was a trigger. So many times in their lives they had been told by the alcoholic that he would do it "later," and so many times it never happened. They did not trust in "later." I had to be more specific and I had to make sure I followed through.
L
L
I really love the writing idea. It has a lot of merit. I don't use it for a couple of reasons but if you think she'd do it I would try. I do family meetings where we can discuss things and sometimes that works well. We negotiate and talk about issues. Lots of give and take or at least a lot for a bunch of boys. They don't really talk much unless it concerns their allowance or an annoying brother, except one of the 5yo. I have to cut him off - he never stops
To thine own self be true.
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No time now so I have to post later, but some really good stuff to think about here! And great points. Thank you all so much!!! Please keep the ideas and perspectives coming.
This is all new to everyone involved, and as the "parents" we are trying to figure out the best way to address these things that are going to come up.
Just to say real quick, though, in his defense, I think he has the same kind of mindset my mother has, that if you ignore it, they will see that you are not going to give in, or even acknowledge, their attempts to manipulate you. He was not ignoring it because he does not care about her, quite the opposite.
This is all new to everyone involved, and as the "parents" we are trying to figure out the best way to address these things that are going to come up.
Just to say real quick, though, in his defense, I think he has the same kind of mindset my mother has, that if you ignore it, they will see that you are not going to give in, or even acknowledge, their attempts to manipulate you. He was not ignoring it because he does not care about her, quite the opposite.
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I just read your last post after I posted.
I think I have a clearer picture. My, now infamous, 10yo is all about power and control. He's been that way since he was a toddler. The way he talks to me is terrible and pushes every one of my buttons. He did not learn it from his alcoholic parent or me. His dad is not like that and it was not part of our household then, and isn't now. The worst that happened is that his dad did not step in when he was being out of hand as a little kid. I used to see it as a manifestation of anxiety. As he gets older I see this as more of a bully type of behavior. He is trying to bully and intimidate me into getting what he wants. He does it to his brothers and this year he's gotten in trouble at school twice for minor things. Anyway, after reading that last post maybe there is an element of that for her too?
Wish I had some answers. It is very hard for me to figure out what is going on with him because those behaviors go against who I am and it can cloud my thoughts. He is mad half the time, which makes it hard to connect with him. I have a counselor for my son now - although he is ever so reasonable with her so not sure it is getting us anywhere.
ETA: I understand about the ignoring. It is often recommended actually and I do it too. It is clear that your bf is an involved, concerned, and loving parent. I didn't mean it to sound like I thought otherwise!
I think I have a clearer picture. My, now infamous, 10yo is all about power and control. He's been that way since he was a toddler. The way he talks to me is terrible and pushes every one of my buttons. He did not learn it from his alcoholic parent or me. His dad is not like that and it was not part of our household then, and isn't now. The worst that happened is that his dad did not step in when he was being out of hand as a little kid. I used to see it as a manifestation of anxiety. As he gets older I see this as more of a bully type of behavior. He is trying to bully and intimidate me into getting what he wants. He does it to his brothers and this year he's gotten in trouble at school twice for minor things. Anyway, after reading that last post maybe there is an element of that for her too?
Wish I had some answers. It is very hard for me to figure out what is going on with him because those behaviors go against who I am and it can cloud my thoughts. He is mad half the time, which makes it hard to connect with him. I have a counselor for my son now - although he is ever so reasonable with her so not sure it is getting us anywhere.
ETA: I understand about the ignoring. It is often recommended actually and I do it too. It is clear that your bf is an involved, concerned, and loving parent. I didn't mean it to sound like I thought otherwise!
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Yes! The frustrating thing is that the qualities that can make for very successful adults can make for very challenging children
So very true! The qualities that make them independent adults are the ones that are hard to deal with when they show them to us! You want them to be persistent and determined when acquiring new skills, surviving peer pressure, facing life's setbacks, etc. You don't want them to be persistent and determined when it runs contrary to what you are trying to achieve in your household.
So very true! The qualities that make them independent adults are the ones that are hard to deal with when they show them to us! You want them to be persistent and determined when acquiring new skills, surviving peer pressure, facing life's setbacks, etc. You don't want them to be persistent and determined when it runs contrary to what you are trying to achieve in your household.
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Real quick, I know for damn sure she would NEVER pull something like that with ME. She knows it would not work.
I'm in the other seat though (misbehaves for me - he's never been disrespectful at school much less had a fit) and it really chaps my azz
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Oh gosh, that reminds me of a funny story. When my son was in kindergarten (he's in high school now), he used to throw tantrums at home ALL the time. So, one day I asked him point blank "How come I never hear about you throwing tantrums at school or daycare?" And he said to me with a straight face "Well, because THEY would NEVER allow that!"
Talk about a reality check! LOL
L
Talk about a reality check! LOL
L
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it helped if we became more specific and avoided an open-ended "later" type of answer. If we could be more specific and say, "not now, I am in the middle of ....., but ask me again at XX p.m. or in half an hour"
I also was sort of thinking along the same lines as Marie. What was he doing that was so important that she had to ask twice over a period of a (to an 11-year-old) fairly long time?
I have been known to lovingly refer to one of my children (only inside my own head, though) as "my little black suckhole of neediness" -- and I'm wondering if any of that can apply here, too?
She was emotionally abandoned by her AFather. That means I can't treat her like I can treat the daughter who is Dad's Favorite. (That daughter has another burden to carry -- not necessarily lighter, but different.)
So my little black suckhole of neediness? She can never get enough attention. She has lived the experience that one day, the person who is most important to you in the universe can turn their back on you and have not one positive word to say about you. So in her universe, because it has happened once, it can happen again. Therefore, she needs to "check" every so often that she's still OK, that she's still loved, that she's still cared for. Preteens don't process that kind of stuff intellectually; they're all emotion and no logic.
I have gone from being there the second she needs me, to giving her a time (never more than five minutes, if I can at all help it) when I will give her my full attention, to extending the time span, to starting setting firmer boundaries.
Sometimes, it's that she wants me to stop cleaning to play a board game with her. We've gotten to the point now where I can say, "I want to finish scrubbing the bath tub -- why don't you help me clean the sink, and when I'm done, we'll do something together. But I don't want to play board games right now; is there anything else fun you can think of that we can do together?"
It's important that they understand that adults (even parents) have feelings and wants that are as valid as theirs. But I think for children of alcoholics, there are a whole lot of insecurities and uncertainties that have to be addressed, too -- sometimes before you can start teaching them that parents are humans, too.
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