RedCandle

I know everyone's experience is unique...but I'm wondering if there are typical or common "phases" through sobriety?

For example, Day 0 to Day 30, what are some common behaviors, thoughts, feeling, issues, stressors.

How does that change from Day 30 to Day 60?

Are there different traits from Day 90 to 120?

What have you observed? I'd like to learn more about the "progression" in hopes of anticipating some new "developments" (or slides...)

Thanks everyone!

Pelican

You might find that type of detailed information in the book "Under the Influence". I do not currently have my copy, but I believe I remember reading about it as part of the treatment chapter.

How is your recovery timeline developing?

Have you tried attending an Alanon meeting for face to face support. It is for friends of alcoholics (even if they are no longer drinking). I found the information based on experience and the literature very helpful.

It appears you are still in contact, right? You qualify.

Learn2Live

I don't recall seeing this kind of timeline anywhere before but it's a VERY interesting question. Please post if you find an answer with another resource.

laurie6781

There is NO timeline. Everyone is different. Just using the AA model for an example.

Some folks get to AA and are capable of 'jumping right in' and 'working the step', get through the steps and by 3 months seem to really have an excellent grip on their sobriety. Others, like myself, are so 'brain fried' that it took until 6 months before I could even read a sentence in the Big Book, get to the period and be able to tell you what the sentence said.

I have worked with many over these past 30+ years and EVERY ONE of them had a different 'time line.'

I too will ask how is your timeline developing?

Love and hugs,

RedCandle

In the case of the person that I am trying to support:

From 0-30 days, I was calling him the "Sober Saint" (earlier post). He had an epiphany, stopped cold turkey, read a ton of books, went to a bunch of meetings, got a sponsor. He turned to me as though years and years worth of alcoholism was just...over...and we should carry on.

For ME, from 0 to 30 days I was incredibly skeptical. We are separated by 4 hours...I had continued anxiety that he was just saying he had stopped. I didn't believe it until I went to the meeting where he got his 30 day "chip" and I met his sponsor.

Now he is in the 30 to 60 day period and intense depression and talk of going back to drinking has returned. He's upset that the good life didn't magically return because he put the bottle away. He worries that everything he's ever done has failed. He's miserable living alone in his house that was once filled with his family.

For ME, from 30 to 60 days....after seeing this...I actually fell BETTER because THIS was more of what I expected. I try to reassure him that it IS going to be tough but I'm there for him. He doesn't want to here it...he just wants me to move back. It hurts to hear him in pain...but I am trying to remind him that its a process.

HOWEVER, he launched into accusing me that I left because of selfishness and not self-preservation...a complete reversal of what he said in days 0 to 30. I became enraged and cut contact. Now radio silence...and I feel terrible.

I'm just wondering if these "phases" are typical? How to manage??

SSIL75

I agree that everyone is different. I am an alcoholic and see people posting things in the alcoholism forum after 2 weeks that it took me 12 months to 'get'. and of course the opposite is true, too.

For me from what I can remember the first month I was very quiet and withdrawn. Then after that I started to talk a little about it.

I don't remember how long it took me to let go of a vague idea I had that I would drink once a year. Mostly I was very relieved to be done and never seriously considered drinking again.

My recovery phases are just in tandem with my learning every day coping skills. How to have an argument without drinking. How to handle a stressful day with my kids without drinking. How to go have a girls night without drinking etc. As I gather new tools my alcoholism traits diminish.

My husband claims to not have felt much 'pain' from my recovery except he missed me when I was withdrawn in the early weeks. It was difficult for me to know how much to include him in my thoughts. My general feeling was that my stupid alcoholism had caused us all enough pain and I wanted to spare him any recovery drama.

RedCandle

ssil75....did you ever lie about your progress to appease loved ones? Did you hide relapses? Say things just because you knew it was what they wanted to hear? Thanks for sharing...

Pelican

Hi,
I'm known as Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also a recovering ex-spouse of an alcoholic.
And then there is the codependency issue I still struggle with, daily.

I did not lie about my progress to make others feel better. My AXH did.

I try not to just say things that others want to hear. As part of my recovery I try to: Say what I mean, mean what I say and try not to say it mean.
My AXH does say what he thinks you want to hear. He even went so far as to join an online dating site and answered the profile questions the way he thought women might like him to be - then wondered why the dates didn't develop into anything??!!

When my AXH attempted sobriety he asked me for support. I told him that he needed to find a male sponsor that had more recovery time than I did so that the sponsor could call him out on his BS. I had support to call me out on my BS, and I knew he would need that too. He got a sponsor and was working and living a healthy recovery, for a little while.

Then the lies and manipulations started back, and I did not recognize them at first. (We live 120 miles apart). Then the slurred speech, more lies......alcohol was back.

RedCandle

Pelican, thank you so much!

He tells me he's doing such and such...but I really just don't know (4 hr apart). I know that I could call people to double check...but I don't want to. I can't do anything about it and I don't want it to add to my anxiety.

Do I trust him at his word and keep communication open? Any way to tell fact from fiction?

Thanks :-)

Pelican

I wanted to believe.
I wanted him that he was still sober.

And when I am honest with myself, I know that my instincts and gut were telling me it wasn't the real deal. I knew something wasn't right. Eventually, my HP did for me what I couldn't do for myself - gave me the truth and gave me the strength to accept the truth.

In reading over this thread,
I noticed that some of our friends here at SR have given the same type of encouragement to you that they have given to me over the years: keep working on your recovery.

I have serenity today because I have been working my own recovery. No matter what the outcomes of relationships/situations/life - I know I will be okay!

I know I will be okay because I have a toolbox of special tools to help me along my life's journey. (and I am still collecting tools)

One of the best tools is loving myself. Loving myself has helped me to believe in myself. Believing in myself allows me to trust myself. Trust my decisions and my instincts. They are good!

One of my favorite SR tips came from LaTeeDa. She shared something about her recovery and I made a note on my desk about her share.
The note says:
"It's not about trusting them, it about trusting yourself. Do you trust yourself enough to walk away if needed?"