Hi Hopeless,

Welcome to SR! Here you will get a lot of feedback from posters who are only able to respond to what little you reveal to us in your posts. Obviously your situation is a lot more complex than a few paragraphs on a website.

Take what you want/need and leave the rest.

Here is my experience, strength and hope... given in love but also truth which can "feel" harsh.

You seem to be "locked" right now between your head (common sense brain signals telling you of the danger) and your emotions (brain chemicals and hormones creating "feelings" of what you believe to be "romantic love".)

Our brains and our bodies are highly complex and do not always work together for the same goals and your circuits are well... short circuiting... your brain and hormones are literally freaking out right now. Understanding the tidal waves of emotion and fear that you are feeling are based on these chemicals and hormones will hopefully comfort you in the hardest times. THEY WILL PASS in time if you choose to remove yourself from the source of your stress ... the one who is or was passed out when not out endangering the world driving drunk or manipulating your emotions in order to enable above irresponsible behaviors.

You are the beginning of a path that will be difficult my dear ... loving or at least believing you love an alcoholic on a destructive path is so very, very painful. I know I lived it for years and years and years!

But you do have choices! Knowledge is power... so please read, read, read, read! and then read some more. Read this board, the stickies and the posts. Read Under the Influence and Codependent No More. PLEASE go to Alanon! Read some more!

Understanding the battle before you will help you win the battle!

As for your therapist. If you haven't fired her or him yet please do so! Find a therapist who knows and understands addiction! Visit as often as you can with someone living breathing and that can help you navigate the ocean of your emotions.

Please, please do not enable your man to drink and drive. You will feel terrible if you are supporting him in any way that could set the stage for him to kill or maim an innocent.

I have seen this so many,many times. He will go to prison for decades and you will be emotionally scarred for life. If you are supporting him by paying billls and enabling him to use his money for car payments and booze ... please stop.

You can only raise the bottom by not encouraging his bad decision making and bad behaviors.

I don't want to get too hard on a message board but I really, really do care about you even though we don't know eachother in the flesh. Feelings are just that... feelings... real love is when we admire someone's depth of character and ability to love and care for us BACK!

Talk to your brain and your chemicals and refuse to give in to feelings... empower your brain girl! You are smart... you are capable...you are WOMAN! You can do it!

Come back and talk to us. We do care!

I am currently in this SAME exact living situation. honey, it does not get better unless you both give 100%. you are spinning wheels if he doesn't want to try and help himself. I have been proud of myself, I got to the point I saw & see what I deserve....just gotta act on it. Stop feeling sorry for him. You aren't doing anything to him. He needs to respect you!

Thanks Hopeworks! Yes the truth is harsh. Some of the things you said though really hit the screw on the head.

Oh the life I choose - still the bad guy here

Your not the bad guy! And while it feels HOPELESS 4 NOW this is and can be temporary if you make it so... you are powerful beyond measure! You were created to be able to determine YOUR destiny!

LIfe is nothing but a series of choices. You are in the situation you are in because of choices you made and don't feel like the Lone Ranger! LOL... there are thousands of men and women on this board that have walked in your moccasins ... it is the law of attraction.

So... your current situation... your "feelings" of helplessness and fear of change... of "abandoning" the one you feel you love and want to spend the rest of your life are just "feelings' and not necessarily logical, reasonable or wise.

Only you... with the help of others such as therapists, loved ones, clergy and your HP can help you determine how you wish to spend the rest of your life!

Creating healthy boundaries for ourselves is a redemptive action that can only help the A in your life. When you ALLOW him to manipulate you into ENABLING him it is destructive for him in the end... even though it FEELS like you are doing the loving thing!

The best thing I EVER did was LEAVE my now RAH to die... yes I was CERTAIN he would die because when he starts drinking he cannot stop... he historically ended up in the emergency room or jail cells. He WAS absolutely the worst alcoholic I have ever met and I have met tens of thousands in my business as a bail agent!

But guess what! God did not need my help after all! I was not his savior and in fact I had been helping keep him sick by running interference and running his recovery for him. Once dropped on his head he drank like a fish until he hit his bottom (bottom number 345 probably) but this time he had a dark night of the soul and connected with his HP in a deep and profound way that created the psychic change that is necessary to spark and BEGIN true recovery.

Leaving can be REDEMPTIVE. God can use the situation to reach the A... but itis the A who decides whether he has any interest in changing and sadly MOST... the vast majority do not want to change. It takes hard work and dedication to CHANGE and it much easier to pop the top on a beer and slide into that deep euphoria that we normies have never experienced.

Getting to the place emotionally where what reading what I just wrote makes complete sense to you is probably way ahead right now on your your journey. And that is OK! Don't beat yourself up because you are not packing your bags today. It is one day at a time and change is hard! MOst of us had to WALK OUT the path with our A and find out these things for ourselves. And that is OK... it is your life and your choice and you will NOT Be judged for choosing to ride out the storm with your A until you decide you are ready to create healthy boundaries for yourself.

We will only share our experience, strength and hope and offer up prayers of support and cheer you on!

Did you find a good Alanon group yet???? THey are out there. Keep looking for some living breathing peeps to walk the journey with you! It is really great when you have someone you can confide in and help you with the 12 steps... it will be lifechanging and help you achieve peace and serenity no matter what your A is doing!