TakingCharge999

So I have gone 90% no contact with my dad for months now, just the odd Facebook comment here and there but no major emails nor anything like that.

Long story short I resent him not being in my life and when times get tough this fact is highlighted and I feel sad/angry/resentful.. not as much as I used to feel but this is a tough one as everyone feels he is a great dad because he paid my school but a dad is not only that you know.



I also started getting more space away from my mom.

I have felt better away from their psychosis.




Today my sister tells me my dad spoke to her and told her he was worried as I am no longer that interactive.

I am not 100% emotionally healthy and I know my parents won't be around forever but they are very unhealthy. Just got a light bulb moment here when I realize he is also a Jekyll and Mr Hyde like my ex boyfriends!!!!! He is not an alcoholic but at the same time

1 Jekyll, the bread winner, the succesful man who sends postcards and emails saying how much he loves his daughters

2 Mr Hyde whose wife is everything and he can´t talk nor go anywhere without her, someone who expects love and caring and affection when he has given morsels of it.



What should I do? Should I do something?

I got plans to study in Finland where he lives now and of course I would visit/see him (and his wife) there but right now how can I act as if we are OK?

I got lots of inner work ahead of me, on one hand I would like to email him everything about my life and on the other I just want to ignore him just as he has ignored me living his own life (need to find out if this is seeking 'revenge', or of it is taking care of myself seeking people who I can trust and value me currently as I feel more vulnerable.)

Willybluedog

Dear Takingcharge,

Are you in counseling now, I highly recommend therapy, it has helped me work through many issues with my father.

I hope you work through this, there are lots of great people here who are willing to listen and be there for you when you need them.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

LifeRecovery

I actually found in my recovery I have needed a time out from my family. Other times when I am jumping in with two feet.

Counseling really helped me with this too. Sometimes I had to be really mad at them before I could get better and move on.

Cyranoak

Not off topic. Totally appropriate IMHO.

Cyranoak

TakingCharge999

Well my last therapist turned out to be a wacko and am still recovering money wise. So at least this year I can't afford it. :/

My sister and I are very close so I just told her the truth, I am voluntarily getting some space away from my parents for the sake of my sanity. Part of therapy process which was interrupted by reasons such as meeting an unethical one who broadcasted all my issues to everyone in the neighborhood!

What I don't like is

-why doesn't my dad tell ME " why are you acting distant????" why add more people to the drama?? just the fact he can't be straightforward with me...

-I am supposed to be a good daughter and act as if nothing has ever happened. I am bad at acting like nothing happens and everything is perfect. I did that too many times with XABF!

Need to shop for a new therapist next year although right now I am weary and honestly kind of tired of rehashing the same stories for the Nth time. What I need is an exorcism LOL. Maybe I find a good therapist this time......

Thanks all for understanding/listening and for your suggestions ... now I want things to be magically better without my action...... need to push myself, otherwise another 30 years can pass easily and I will keep the same resentments......

gerryP

TC, I don't think your Dad is ever going to be who you want him to be. Since he isn't going to change, the change then has to come from within you.

I agree with those that suggest therapy. Perhaps you could get a referral from your medical Dr. for a "therapist" who is a medical Dr. A Psychiatrist who would be better able to help you with the abandonment issues you have surrounding your Dad.

When I went NC with my Mother, I told her that I could no longer live my life with her in it and why. It wasn't a discussion, it was a goodbye. I was able to do that with the help of a therapist.

cymbal

TC,
Thank you for asking.
I have trouble knowing if the contact that I have with my dad is healthy.
I don't feel like he values me as a person. I feel like he thinks of me as an extension of himself. I feel like a toy he will occasionally take out to "play" with.

When I was younger I was afraid to be me, and I tried to be who he wanted me to be, but then he abandoned me, so I no longer had the map.

Now I allow some contact. I think that he does not desire more than a surface relationship. He sees me as a human doing, and probably would prefer if I shared about my accomplishments. I'm more of a human being. I don't think he's too interested in my thoughts and feelings.

I think that if you have contact when you want to only then it will work well.
You're going to be just fine without any too.

(((hugs)))

Love watching your journey!
Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for letting me share!
Take what you like and leave the rest.

TakingCharge999

Thank you all for your feedback. I am trying to think what is best FOR ME. "What gives me more peace?" is a question I ask myself.

My grandma died and my mom had a bad relationship with her and owed her money and stuff. My mom has a lot of regret.

My grandad died and my dad had ignored him for 30 years. He only went to meet him on his deathbed.


I do not want to behave like them. I believe.. for me, I would love to hug my dad and talk to him about stuff, but I need more time to accept the past and to accept he has no way to provide emotional support to anyone (not only to me).

I do not like to feel pushed in this process... I realized the reason I feel bad about this is that I feel my experience of things/thoughts/feelings are being ignored for the Nth time and that I am 'wrong'. I am starting to pat myself on the back and say "TC999 of course you have felt abandoned and ignored, anyone else in your situation would have felt that way, its natural"

Thanks for letting me share and for your input. It helps.

TakingCharge999

Yes, it has almost been a year of NC.. I still have my dad in Facebook and seldom reply comments he makes. Some friends have told me how dare I ignore him in Facebook! as if it is their business...

Anyway, this story has a weird twist. I asked God for help dealing with this. It was a passing thought.

That weekend I go about my business downtown, go in a restaurant to get a snack, I take some pictures and a guy approaches me to ask if I am a photographer.

Long story short we start a friendship and it turns out he is way, way spiritual and has spent years with the native people in my country. He tells me right away -I swear I am not making this up - "you made a request recently and here it is". I was dumbfounded. We made a small ritual and he helped me take away some of my negative feelings- it took 2 and a half hours ... I feel more like myself now and I feel I have taken a step forward. He explains we are all one and what we inflict to others we inflict to ourselves. I realize I am hurting myself by staying with this resentment.

Then my mom tells me "your mind can´t forgive, but your heart can".

I may be rambling. All I know is I am closer to acceptance of the past and of him. I realize he could not do anything else. This was all he knew. I now know myself enough to realize that YES my heart is big enough. Even the XABF noticed this, when we were still friends and he also had resentments towards his dad.. he said I was able to forgive, and he wasn´t. So, anyway I know I CAN, and I feel I can give this spiritual step and move on with my life. A huge chapter ending as I have been carryinh this weight 27 years.

Thanks to this spiritual guide I know this is what I need to do, this is my goal, outside stuff does not matter as much. This is my main "homework". To break this pattern and heal. To forgive my dad before he dies. I know I can do this. I feel so grateful for this insight. To truly know I CAN.