tryintosmile

Of course I want him to go through recovery. He MUST to save himself! He had a heart attack 3 years ago. His family is worried. He drinks enough every day to kill a normal person.

I'm bringing him to the door of starting the process, and while he's doing small things to avoid it, he knows the time has come. We will be attending a preliminary meeting for the process to get started. After that, I'm not sure what will come - detox, sessions, meetings, etc.

I know that things will change - perhaps dramatically - and I can't see it being beneficial to me at all. I don't mean that in the sense that this should be 'for ME' or that it is even about me. What I feel is that I've been through the ringer with him and can't even imagine his dominant personality when he is sober all the time. At least when he gets drunk he's a little more vulnerable and well ... human.

And there's another thing. He barely talks to me when he is sober. Just watches TV and grunts or barks out orders or complaints. When the alcohol hits, he becomes desperate to have my undivided attention so that he can talk -- incessantly. While I hate the banter, it is at least some form of communication. Later it just gets ugly and I want him to pass out. There's a small window where I feel a connection.

Now I find myself worried about the prospect of him 'getting normal'. I feel that he will be controlling and there will be no communication. I believe he'll bottle it up inside and things will actually be worse. At least when he's drunk, I know what he's thinking and feeling.

I don't know if I want to go through this with him, but I know he feels he needs me to get through. Then what? When he stops drinking, he will likely be a tyrant, full time. Barking out orders, expecting what he believes he SHOULD have and how things SHOULD be. Entitlement ...

Oh gawd - I know he needs to do this for himself and his family, but I'm not sure if I even like this person or who the sober person would be. I'm not jumping up and down looking forward to it, and I apologize to anyone who thinks that sounds heartless. There is just a part of me that has closed off and really doesn't care either way. I feel as though maintaining the status quo would be less of a nightmare than this change could be. I will say that I am encouraging it 100% and trying to be positive - regardless of what I am saying here.

He'll likely be so edgy that anything I do will make him aggravated and he'll always be threatening to have a drink if I don't ___ (fill in the blank).

Can anyone tell me why I should be worried and perhaps what I can expect from an angry alcoholic who doesn't believe he needs to do any more than just quit putting alcohol to his mouth? He says he's always dealt with every issue on his own and doesn't need any help - although he's finally realized that he DOES need some help to get off the stuff. That doesn't mean he intends to pursue continued help, meetings, etc. I just don't know what to expect. I'm just worried that I'll end up wishing I'd left BEFORE he gets 'help'...

Thumper

You do not sound heartless at all.

I can't say what he'll be like. I will say you have permission to honor your past, your present, and your feelings. You can leave today, tomorrow, or any time you feel that it is best for you. You can determine, for yourself, what you can live with independent of his drinking, recovery, sobriety, or the amount of hair on his head.

Do not awfulize the future but me smart and be prepared. Honestly, he doesn't sound like a very nice person drunk or sober. Do not paint yourself into a corner with him. He does not need you to recover. He'll either do it or he won't irrigardless of what you do. You are not obligated to help him recover or stand by him.

I think the best thing to do right now would be to focus on yourself. To figure out what is acceptable to you, what your boundaries are, how to protect them and plans so you can, how to detach from his outcomes, how to keep yourself safe both physically and emotionally.

Thinking of you - and keep posting! The stickies at the top are great too.

dollydo

If you have not left him in the last 12 years, I doubt that no matter what he says or does will make you reach your bottom.

Some just do not have a bottom, that applies to people who have addiction issues and we codies.

I truely hope that you and he both find recovery and can move on with your lives.

m1k3

tryingtosmile ((((hugs))))

Just curious but why are you worrying about something that hasn't happened yet?

Are you going to Al-Anon? I found it a huge help in taking my focus off of the alcoholic and putting it on me where it belongs. There is no harm in having a backup plan like putting aside some money and having an exit plan but there is no need to fuss over it either. Who knows what will happen and if your worries don't come true then you have wasted a perfectly good fuss.

Your friend,

Thumper

That seems a little fatalistic. This board is full of people that left after 12+ years of marriage. Circumstances change, people grow, etc.

Not saying the OP has to leave but just saying we shouldn't paint people into a corner either. We do that to ourselves enough as it is.

LifeRecovery

Tryingtosmile-

Change is so scary I think (or least it is for me). Even though the known is rubbing me raw sometime...at least it is known.

This is one of the hardest and best things I have learned throughout this process. That added to the fact that I have finally learned that I matter has made it easier for me to roll on the rollar coaster.

I think that just getting your fear out there is such a big step!!!!

What are you doing for you around this though....I hear a lot of worry and concern about him. How are you taking care of now/going to take care of you?

chronsweet

You know Anvil, I think we should put a stickie together or start a thread on all the 'anvil'ism's that are just so short, sweet and to the point and I love the sarcasm. LOL!

I agree with your post to say the least, we can only hang on and watch in horror for so long as someone destroys themselves before we HAVE to decide to save our own lives. It boils down to survival in all senses of the word.

tryintosmile

I am laughing (which I don't do all that often). This is one of the funniest, yet most down to earth and most appropriate metaphors for this situation. Thank you for this wise, yet unsettling tidbit Sadly, I am watching that iceberg; watching and waiting to see what happens. I know I should be making my own preparations but I feel the inertia of being stuck.

I know I must BE that change but I'm too bogged down by my issues, both physical and mental. While I don't want to 'go down with the boat', I sure have been sinking for a long time. It almost seems like ANY change will bring about something new or at least different.

Thanks everyone for your support. At least I can see this a little clearer. I must not be afraid, regardless of the outcome, and since I've probably been sitting 'on the bottom' there's likely nowhere else to go but up. If that's possible. Some people may disagree that it is.

Dolly - you are correct that this seems bottomless, but it has sort of reached a plateau where it gets a little better, then worse, then better and sort of stays in that range. At times almost tolerable, but then you have to ask yourself if this is how you've resigned to live out your days.

Perhaps I am a defeatist, partly because I've been through enough to know that there will always be trade-offs in life and working on yourself is a lifetime venture. It doesn't just 'GET BETTER' and you don't just get better either. It's lifelong, and issues will always be there in some form or other, regardless of which route you take.

Having said that I will reiterate (from a previous post) that I do have glimpses of healthy and in the moment it feels SO good. What I feel most sad about is that I have been there from time to time in my life, and haven't been able to 'stay the course'. I just wonder if it can ever be permanent. I make all kinds of attempts but life is just chockful of things ready to bring you back down. Keeping a healthy state of mind - consistently - seems near impossible to me.