Stressed out over difficult, angry, newly sober bf

Old 12-06-2011, 05:55 PM
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Angry Stressed out over difficult, angry, newly sober bf

I need help dealing with my difficult bf. He has been sober 5 days and is having a lot of mental/emotional issues. We have a 3 month old son and he use to be a stay at home dad. I stopped that last week when I came home from work and found him drunk. He had been drinking all day with the baby. After laying it on the line, get sober or the baby and I are gone he went to the hospital and did 2 days inpatient deter. He started intensive outpatient treatment yesterday (Monday) which lasts 4 weeks, 3 hrs a day, 4 days a week. He's tried to get sober before but he's never agreed to go to treatment so I am very proud of him. The problem lies in that he's being a "dry drunk" - he's become suck a negative, selfish, immature, narcissistic, nasty jackass. He is pissed off no matter what. He was pissed I enrolled our son in daycare and then when he had to watch him 4 hours today he was pissed about that. He bitches nonstop about the outpatient program (he's gone a whole 2 days) and is acting so resentful towards me about it. When he drinks he's a jerk and has bi-polar symptoms (periods of depression and mania) and when he's sober he's pretty much just angry, agitated, and depressed. I know he has a lot of embarrassment and self loathing due to his alcoholism, which contributes to his bad attitude as well as his mind adjusting to not having the alcohol. Last spring a dr. put him on Klonopin because he has an anxiety disorder so when he's been trying to stop drinking in the past he medicated with that. The dr. in his outpatient program told him no more Klonopin and put him on Campril. He's used to the "high" Valium or Klonopin give so the unnoticeable Campril is ******** to him. He keeps claiming he's got every side affect possible. When I tell him to talk to the dr about it he gets pissed and refuses. I'm so stressed out with him and his bad attitude, trying to fulfill my responsibilities with work, and take care of our baby. I need some advice on how to deal with him.
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Old 12-06-2011, 06:07 PM
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I am no expert, and I was the one that stopped drinking in our relationship. I think I know how he is feeling. Those first few weeks I was sounding a lot like him. I think just know that it will get a little better with time. Its a very scary, rocky road those first few days/weeks without alcohol. Try and be patient. Take care of yourself too.

I am sorry, I don't know what else to say. I am sure you will get some other advise here.

My husband is bi-polar and he struggles everyday with his mind, how he feels, making decisions, etc. Its even more of a struggle once you add alcohol and drugs into that system.

Hang in there.
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Old 12-06-2011, 06:14 PM
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I think you are a great mom! I am proud of you for taking your child out of that situation. Good on you!

I know you have a job and a baby to care for, but have you been able to attend Alanon meetings? The support and information available may help you detach from your ABF's behavior. The support is for family members, even if the alcoholic is no longer drinking.

Try not to engage him when he is reactive.

When he says things like: I feel ______. I am experiencing_______. (the rants of a dry drunk) maybe try offering a canned, non-commital answer like:

"I'm sure you will find a way to get through this."


"I think you will figure this out."

This is his recovery.
You did not cause this.
You can not control this.
You will not cure this.

He owns this addiction and the recovery.

I hope you can find a way to detach and work on your own recovery
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Old 12-06-2011, 06:30 PM
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So sorry for all that you are going through.

I wish I had something for you that would make sense and fix the problem, please consider ala-anon, as well as individual and family counseling.

I will say as the child of an alcoholic parent, please do not keep your child in this environment, read the ACOA board especially the stickies at the top.

Best of luck to you,

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Old 12-06-2011, 06:49 PM
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Thanks, I'm hopeful that it will get better. I currently see a psychologist for bi-weekly counseling sessions but we don't really talk about living with an alcoholic or alcoholic in recovery. It's something I'll have to bring up with her next time. I'll also check into al-anon. I'm a child of an alcoholic parent so I absolutely refuse to raise my son in such a situation. My father's drinking/abuse scared me badly. So, if the drinking doesn't stop for good I'm out of the relationship for good.
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Old 12-06-2011, 06:53 PM
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Sometimes, them getting sober doesn't solve the problems. If he treats you badly anyway, then it doesn't really matter much if he's drinking or not. You don't deserve to live with an emotional or verbal abuser. Your son doesn't deserve it, either. Sometimes, alcohol isn't the biggest problem.
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Willybluedog (12-06-2011)
Old 12-06-2011, 07:02 PM
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My bf is also an A, and we have a child together, he's just over a year now. I am in a similar situation to yours, my bf has recently decided to get into some sort of recovery...

I also grew up with an alcoholic father and refuse to raise my child in the home of an addict who is in denial and causes harm. I was just saying tonight to someone that I feel like not only do I have to worry about raising my son correctly, I have to protect him from the negative effects of his father's addiction. I'm ready and willing to do that though.

I also attend counseling and have for several years. As helpful as that was, Al-Anon was helpful in an entirely different way. I strongly suggest going. I found that the people there understood me, my past, my present, and I learned so much about myself, alcoholism, and how I could control myself....the skills I gain there are immeasurable.
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Old 12-06-2011, 07:30 PM
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50% of children of alcoholics/addicts either become "A's" themselves or marry/have relationships with "A's"... unfortunatly the gene is passed on from generation to generation.
That is bad enough, without being exposed to an alcoholic day in and day out. This is a toxic enviorment.

I am the child of alcoholics, I lived the nightmare, I prayed for a responsible parent to emerge, none did.

All I can say is...make your child your priorty, you are your sons voice ,his future, your abf is an irresponsible alcoholic, who your son should not be left alone with.

Your abf is an adult, his recovery is up to him, your sons future is yours to guide, do something positive for him. If you do not, you are just as iresponsible as your abf.

Don't mean to sound harsh...however to must be minor children first.
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