Madtown

Hello!
Relatively new to this site, but am learning lots and appreciating it. I'm also learning lots about the concepts of codependency, as I struggle to determine my proper role in my A family members life.

I know we're supposed to detach, with love, from the person, but would it be advisable(or not) to email the link to this website, in hopes the person may begin to peruse the forums, and perhaps learn a few things themselves that may be of benefit? In the past, I've come across as a little preachy about what I believe my family member should to to begin to overcome his problems. I no longer do this, but believe it would be a benefit to him to start to virtually connect with people in his same boat, so would like to share this resource. But again, I don't want to come across as if I'm telling him what to do. So, would it be acceptable to share this, and then not bring it up again unless I'm asked about it?

Willybluedog

Madtown,

My mom is a 40+ year alcoholic and I know it would be pointless for her, I don't know your situation but I don't think it would hurt anything.

Best of luck to you, glad you are here.

Bill

wellnowwhat

I'm being selfish about SR. I need it for me.

There are plenty of tools, sites and forums available for him. If he has any interest in it, he is capable of finding them.

If I shared it with my AH, I know I would post differently. I would probably revert to being a lurker.

suki44883

Absolutely not! This is our place to come and vent and get ESH for ourselves. There have been some pretty ugly situations that have come from some posters allowing their addict to see what they have posted here. For a while, there was a warning to be careful about who we allow to know about our being a part of SR. It can cause problems.

Madtown

Appreciate your sentiment. However, as he is the A, I wouldn't think he'd be paying much attention to the Family subforum. I also doubt he'd have any idea it was me!

sirpher

I would share this website with him, but not necessarily pointing him toward this forum. There are other forums that would probably interest him more.

suki44883

Why wouldn't he look at the F&F forums? It's also very possible he'd recognize your posts. However, it's your decision. Just trying to warn you what might happen and has happened in the past.

NeverQuit

I would write differently if I shared the site with her. Or maybe just go back to journal writing. But in fact she usually ignores anything that I share with her about alcoholism so she might not read it until she gets sober.

Thumper

I did not and have not shared. He has a computer and knows how to google.

Partly it is because I want this place for myself.

Mostly it is because of the following blurb which I have posted in front of me everyday. It helps me be the person I want to be.

Help is what I do for others who can not do it for themselves.

Enabling is what I do for others who can do it for themselves.

If I say it without being asked, it is meddling.

If I say it twice, it's manipulation.

lillamy

No.
Not under any circumstances.
Not any more than I'd invite him to my Al-Anon meetings or my counseling sessions.

You're still trying to help him. Let him help himself.

Portia123

I don't share this forum with my RAH for some of the reasons already stated. My RAH has enough tools in his toolbox to arrest his A'ism. This place is for me. I go to Al-Anon (he knows I go) and we have couples counseling with his current program. That alot of time to suck from my life anyway. This place is mine and mine alone. I fear too that he'll read posts and find mine here as I've been very honest about experiences he'll recognize. Just my .02 cents - every situation is different.

choublak

I think they're assuming the A will spend most time in the addiction/alcoholism forum for their own recovery purposes, rather than in here trying to find whatever stuff has been written about him/her. I'm sure the latter happens more than the former, though.

theuncertainty

Lots of good responses already. My .02: no, not now; not knowing now what I didn't recognize then. Everybody's situation is different, but XAH would have been able to recognize the events I'd write about and therefore know who I am on F&F. Then anything he'd have read would have been a weapon to use against me, not to help himself.

Thumper

Absolutely theincertainty. I'm pretty sure he would have spent most of his time looking for me to read every word - so he could twist my words and tell me why I was crazy or wrong or school me on how I really felt - because I don't know what I really think or how I really feel if he doesn't show me how I'm clueless. He opened my mail and googled me etc anyway. All hell would have broke loose had he read here - or if he ever does. I hope my xah never finds this place!!

Jazzman

No

XXXXXXXXXX

If my ex were to find this forum, he would likely read the Alcoholics and Recovery forums and laugh at people (who he doesn't want to admit are just like him).

THEN

He would find my username and spend hours reading everything I wrote in the last months and then he would DENY everything, tell me I am a drama queen, a LIAR, and that those things NEVER HAPPENED.

I hope one day that he is at a healthy place, where if he ever googled and found the forums it would be a positive thing, and that he would be ready for it and would find some support here.

He is no where near that place right now.

jOSE2

Mine is a NO too, SR is for me and my recovery, as is Al-anon meetings

PurpleWilder

But I would NOT share my username.

jessiec

I wouldn't, but that's a personal choice (not recommending you do the same!).

Honestly, I don't think it would make a difference if I did. My ABF chooses to think his alcohol problem is not serious enough to be concerned about. I can't see him actually putting in the initiative to do it. He's not ready yet. When he is, he can Google like I did.

choublak

Everyone's situation is different. If you're making plans to leave and don't want him knowing your plans, for example, or if he is dangerous, then no, don't share this site.

I'm going to venture out against the majority opinion and say that in my case, ABF is a member in the forums, but he doesn't spend much time in F&F as it doesn't pertain to him. He spends most time in the Alcoholism and Newcomers to Recovery forums. As for reading my posts, I really don't think he's that interested in doing so. If he does read them, he won't find anything that I haven't already told him or that he doesn't already know.

Again, everybody's situation is different; assess yours and make your judgment.