How do I help my husband
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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How do I help my husband
I am reposting this from a different forum. The users suggested I move to this board for help.
My 42 yr old husband has a very naturally addictive personality, and is rapidly becoming an alcoholic. He suffers from untreated bipolar disease which he refuses to get help for outside of taking Xanax. Bipolar runs in his family, and every family member and a marriage counselor we had can see it but he says he is fine. He has started binge drinking over the last year one day a week. If he determines it is a bad week he will do it two to four days that week. When he drinks the amount is always between a half to a whole liter of jagermister mixed with one to two cans of an energy drink and two to three beers over a four to eight hour time span. Sometimes when he starts drinking at 4 in the afternoon he will stay up until 6 or 8 in the morning because he is so hyped from the energy drinks. He also generally refuses to eat during these binges and tends to get very argumentative, irrational, paranoid, hyper, annoying, etc.
I try to talk to him when he is sober, his family has tried, our marriage counselor tried (he made us stop going when she tried to talk to him about her discovering he was bipolar, mood disorder, and personality disorder), he says we are blowing things out of proportion. He went 6 weeks without drinking a couple of months ago and it was like heaven, but now he says he is going to do what he wants, and this is how he relaxes. How can I convince him to get help?
My 42 yr old husband has a very naturally addictive personality, and is rapidly becoming an alcoholic. He suffers from untreated bipolar disease which he refuses to get help for outside of taking Xanax. Bipolar runs in his family, and every family member and a marriage counselor we had can see it but he says he is fine. He has started binge drinking over the last year one day a week. If he determines it is a bad week he will do it two to four days that week. When he drinks the amount is always between a half to a whole liter of jagermister mixed with one to two cans of an energy drink and two to three beers over a four to eight hour time span. Sometimes when he starts drinking at 4 in the afternoon he will stay up until 6 or 8 in the morning because he is so hyped from the energy drinks. He also generally refuses to eat during these binges and tends to get very argumentative, irrational, paranoid, hyper, annoying, etc.
I try to talk to him when he is sober, his family has tried, our marriage counselor tried (he made us stop going when she tried to talk to him about her discovering he was bipolar, mood disorder, and personality disorder), he says we are blowing things out of proportion. He went 6 weeks without drinking a couple of months ago and it was like heaven, but now he says he is going to do what he wants, and this is how he relaxes. How can I convince him to get help?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Worried-
More will be along soon.
I was not able to get my loved one help....that was and is his responsibility. I made myself crazy in the mean time.
I finally started to get better when I started to get myself help. Individual counseling, Al-anon (which is for friends and families of problem drinkers) etc. The more I learned about the disease of addiction the stronger I got.
Please know that it is not about the amounts he drinks, but if it impacts you that matters.
Keep posting that helps too. Read posts on this board and the stickies (permanent posts above).
Sending warm thoughts your way.
More will be along soon.
I was not able to get my loved one help....that was and is his responsibility. I made myself crazy in the mean time.
I finally started to get better when I started to get myself help. Individual counseling, Al-anon (which is for friends and families of problem drinkers) etc. The more I learned about the disease of addiction the stronger I got.
Please know that it is not about the amounts he drinks, but if it impacts you that matters.
Keep posting that helps too. Read posts on this board and the stickies (permanent posts above).
Sending warm thoughts your way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi Worried4hubby and welcome
I posted a thread a couple of years ago now on an expats website as I was concerned about my husband of 23yrs drinking. At that stage he had told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and if I didn't like it I could leave. I was advised by someone to go to Al-anon. I hadnt heard of al-anon before and when I researched some more, I came accross the word 'alcoholic'. In 23yrs of ups and downs and round and rounds in my marriage, I hadnt put two and two together and come up with that.
I cried all the way to my first al-anon meeting as I couldnt believe that my life had come to that. I truly expected it to be a few woman bitching about their husbands and advice about how to deal with mine.
Everyone was so warm and welcoming at that meeting and I listened to everyone sharing their own experiences. I enjoyed just being able to listen and not being interupted, that was new to me. Everytime I ever spoke to my AH about his drinking it would turn into a row or my AH would mention something unpleasant about me to change the conversation.
I slowly learnt at Al-anon that there was nothing that I could do that would stop my husband from drinking. He was in deep denial which is a huge symptom of alcoholism and I had tried shouting, crying, leaving, threatening, chastising, sleeping apart and nothing had worked. He was still drinking and I was quickly becoming ill, suffering from stress, anxiety, treading on eggshells, nervous about coming home, suspicious and obsessed with his drinking.
It took 18 months of Al-anon, therapy and SR for me to realise that I was important and my life was important and to be honest, I thought that my husbands alcoholism was going to end up killing me! I left.
I have now been living on my own for around 7months. I work and take care of myself. I no longer suffer from stress or anxiety - I am chilled, relaxed and love my home, myself and doing what I please. I realise now how sick I had become, living with an active alcoholic and never again will I do that again.
My AH, reached his rock bottom shortly after I left and has currently been sober for about 5 months now and is working very hard to stay that way. He has chosen to be sober for himself, to save his marriage, to be a better father, a better husband and more importantly a better person. My husband can see how sick he was too and wants to be a better man.
This is my experience, strength and hope and I am telling you this because you cannot help your husband, he has to want to help himself, and that's a difficult concept to get your head around. We talk about the 3 c's - You didn't cause it, you cant cure it and you cant control it.
You can help yourself though and this will make your husbands behavior easier on you, whether you decide to stay or eventually leave. I really highly recommend Al-anon to you. Its for family and friends of alcoholics and it will really help.
I posted a thread a couple of years ago now on an expats website as I was concerned about my husband of 23yrs drinking. At that stage he had told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and if I didn't like it I could leave. I was advised by someone to go to Al-anon. I hadnt heard of al-anon before and when I researched some more, I came accross the word 'alcoholic'. In 23yrs of ups and downs and round and rounds in my marriage, I hadnt put two and two together and come up with that.
I cried all the way to my first al-anon meeting as I couldnt believe that my life had come to that. I truly expected it to be a few woman bitching about their husbands and advice about how to deal with mine.
Everyone was so warm and welcoming at that meeting and I listened to everyone sharing their own experiences. I enjoyed just being able to listen and not being interupted, that was new to me. Everytime I ever spoke to my AH about his drinking it would turn into a row or my AH would mention something unpleasant about me to change the conversation.
I slowly learnt at Al-anon that there was nothing that I could do that would stop my husband from drinking. He was in deep denial which is a huge symptom of alcoholism and I had tried shouting, crying, leaving, threatening, chastising, sleeping apart and nothing had worked. He was still drinking and I was quickly becoming ill, suffering from stress, anxiety, treading on eggshells, nervous about coming home, suspicious and obsessed with his drinking.
It took 18 months of Al-anon, therapy and SR for me to realise that I was important and my life was important and to be honest, I thought that my husbands alcoholism was going to end up killing me! I left.
I have now been living on my own for around 7months. I work and take care of myself. I no longer suffer from stress or anxiety - I am chilled, relaxed and love my home, myself and doing what I please. I realise now how sick I had become, living with an active alcoholic and never again will I do that again.
My AH, reached his rock bottom shortly after I left and has currently been sober for about 5 months now and is working very hard to stay that way. He has chosen to be sober for himself, to save his marriage, to be a better father, a better husband and more importantly a better person. My husband can see how sick he was too and wants to be a better man.
This is my experience, strength and hope and I am telling you this because you cannot help your husband, he has to want to help himself, and that's a difficult concept to get your head around. We talk about the 3 c's - You didn't cause it, you cant cure it and you cant control it.
You can help yourself though and this will make your husbands behavior easier on you, whether you decide to stay or eventually leave. I really highly recommend Al-anon to you. Its for family and friends of alcoholics and it will really help.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Welcome!
My experience matches what has been posted above. I found that I was powerless over alcohol and my wife's drinking and pill popping. I started reading and posting here and then started al-anon. What I discovered is while I couldn't help her I could help me. By focusing on myself I was able to let go of the anger and resentment, work on my issues and become a healthier me. I have made huge improvements in my life.
So, I would strongly recommend starting al-anon. I truly believed it literally saved my life.
Your friend,
My experience matches what has been posted above. I found that I was powerless over alcohol and my wife's drinking and pill popping. I started reading and posting here and then started al-anon. What I discovered is while I couldn't help her I could help me. By focusing on myself I was able to let go of the anger and resentment, work on my issues and become a healthier me. I have made huge improvements in my life.
So, I would strongly recommend starting al-anon. I truly believed it literally saved my life.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by Worried4hubby 
now he says he is going to do what he wants, and this is how he relaxes. How can I convince him to get help?
I strongly recommend finding Al-Anon for yourself and attending a bunch of meetings.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
I don't have much to add, the above poster have pretty much covered it all, just wanted to say welcome to you, this is a safe place, if you need to vent, need a hug, or would like someone to talk to we will be here for you.
It was important for me to realize that I was not alone, and neither are you.
Bill
It was important for me to realize that I was not alone, and neither are you.
Bill
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Welcome Worried4hubby. This site is amazing and so are the people who post here. I learned a lot in a very short period of time and got the support I needed. The other two things that really helped me were al-anon and therapy. I have learned so much about myself in the past 8-9 months and I am really starting to find some serenity. Living with an active alcoholic makes us sick. We become so driven by worry and anger that we lose who we are and what we need to be happy and healthy. Learning all I could about alcoholism helped me to understand what the disease is really about and how sick my AH was. Just like cancer, an alcoholic will not be healthy again until they get treatment. The tricky part is the alcoholic has to want to get treatment, and most have to hit a bottom before they do. Some never hit bottom and the illness continues to progress. When I truly understood that there was nothing I could say or do to influence my AH that he needed help, got out of his way, and started focusing on me did things finally get better. I detached (I must say in anger first) and let him be with his disease and the effects it was having on him and our family. I determined what my boundaries were and stuck to them. I finally got the courage to change what I was doing and not only did I get better, so did my AH. My AH is now in recovery after rehab and AA. The change in him is nothing short of amazing. I believe that if I didn't change how I reacted to him and his illness we may still be on that merry go round driving ourselves crazy. I got off the merry go round and left him spinning in circles by himself. It took him about 7 months to finally want to get off of it too.
One of the best things that happened to me after changing the focus to me and not him was I could see how my illness (co-dependence) was affecting all areas of my life. I let so many things get to me, became obsessive and was easily overcome with fear, anxiety, anger when something happened in my life. While I am not 100% yet , understanding myself better and getting the tools I need to live a happier, healthier life has been such a blessing. I am starting to be calmer and more at peace with myself and those around me.
One of the best things that happened to me after changing the focus to me and not him was I could see how my illness (co-dependence) was affecting all areas of my life. I let so many things get to me, became obsessive and was easily overcome with fear, anxiety, anger when something happened in my life. While I am not 100% yet , understanding myself better and getting the tools I need to live a happier, healthier life has been such a blessing. I am starting to be calmer and more at peace with myself and those around me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Leonard, Michigan
Posts: 49
I can relate to so much of what you've said.
My hubby finally accepted & received treatment for bipolar/anxiety disorder-when he was ready.
He is also an alcoholic, not active every day, but more like a breakdown binge day every few weeks. For the longest time, i thought it was my responsibility to get him help (we have been married almost 24 years, together 28). I fought really hard for him. I finally realized HE had to want the help to accept it & follow a course of treatment because HE wanted to. It was destroying ME trying to save him, when he had to want to save himself.
He knows that he can count on me for support-NOT enabling. We are dealing with an extremely tough situation right now with the almost-demise of our long time small business & the Bank trying to foreclose on our home. Since receiving treatment for bipolar, it's been a rocky road-some of those drugs can act just like alcohol-it took awhile for us to get what was the right meds for him, & even then, he is not "cured"-he still struggles, but not as badly as before the bipolar meds. He seems to have more control, instead of just "falling into the drinking" when the emotional weight gets so heavy.
We talk about it all a lot-he also sees a Therapist. None of this means he is perfect or recovered. I think we both just started dealing with things better, MOST of the time-not all the time.
Your hubby has to come to his own realization that he needs help, & during this time, you have to start thinking & doing what is best for you. It's not easy to begin to detach & change the way you have been thinking for a LONG time. But it's possible, one step at a time, one day at a time. It doesn't mean you don't love him, you just cannot control him.
(((hugs to you)))
My hubby finally accepted & received treatment for bipolar/anxiety disorder-when he was ready.
He is also an alcoholic, not active every day, but more like a breakdown binge day every few weeks. For the longest time, i thought it was my responsibility to get him help (we have been married almost 24 years, together 28). I fought really hard for him. I finally realized HE had to want the help to accept it & follow a course of treatment because HE wanted to. It was destroying ME trying to save him, when he had to want to save himself.
He knows that he can count on me for support-NOT enabling. We are dealing with an extremely tough situation right now with the almost-demise of our long time small business & the Bank trying to foreclose on our home. Since receiving treatment for bipolar, it's been a rocky road-some of those drugs can act just like alcohol-it took awhile for us to get what was the right meds for him, & even then, he is not "cured"-he still struggles, but not as badly as before the bipolar meds. He seems to have more control, instead of just "falling into the drinking" when the emotional weight gets so heavy.
We talk about it all a lot-he also sees a Therapist. None of this means he is perfect or recovered. I think we both just started dealing with things better, MOST of the time-not all the time.
Your hubby has to come to his own realization that he needs help, & during this time, you have to start thinking & doing what is best for you. It's not easy to begin to detach & change the way you have been thinking for a LONG time. But it's possible, one step at a time, one day at a time. It doesn't mean you don't love him, you just cannot control him.
(((hugs to you)))
Originally Posted by Worried4hubby
I am reposting this from a different forum. The users suggested I move to this board for help.
My 42 yr old husband has a very naturally addictive personality, and is rapidly becoming an alcoholic. He suffers from untreated bipolar disease which he refuses to get help for outside of taking Xanax. Bipolar runs in his family, and every family member and a marriage counselor we had can see it but he says he is fine. He has started binge drinking over the last year one day a week. If he determines it is a bad week he will do it two to four days that week. When he drinks the amount is always between a half to a whole liter of jagermister mixed with one to two cans of an energy drink and two to three beers over a four to eight hour time span. Sometimes when he starts drinking at 4 in the afternoon he will stay up until 6 or 8 in the morning because he is so hyped from the energy drinks. He also generally refuses to eat during these binges and tends to get very argumentative, irrational, paranoid, hyper, annoying, etc.
I try to talk to him when he is sober, his family has tried, our marriage counselor tried (he made us stop going when she tried to talk to him about her discovering he was bipolar, mood disorder, and personality disorder), he says we are blowing things out of proportion. He went 6 weeks without drinking a couple of months ago and it was like heaven, but now he says he is going to do what he wants, and this is how he relaxes. How can I convince him to get help?
My 42 yr old husband has a very naturally addictive personality, and is rapidly becoming an alcoholic. He suffers from untreated bipolar disease which he refuses to get help for outside of taking Xanax. Bipolar runs in his family, and every family member and a marriage counselor we had can see it but he says he is fine. He has started binge drinking over the last year one day a week. If he determines it is a bad week he will do it two to four days that week. When he drinks the amount is always between a half to a whole liter of jagermister mixed with one to two cans of an energy drink and two to three beers over a four to eight hour time span. Sometimes when he starts drinking at 4 in the afternoon he will stay up until 6 or 8 in the morning because he is so hyped from the energy drinks. He also generally refuses to eat during these binges and tends to get very argumentative, irrational, paranoid, hyper, annoying, etc.
I try to talk to him when he is sober, his family has tried, our marriage counselor tried (he made us stop going when she tried to talk to him about her discovering he was bipolar, mood disorder, and personality disorder), he says we are blowing things out of proportion. He went 6 weeks without drinking a couple of months ago and it was like heaven, but now he says he is going to do what he wants, and this is how he relaxes. How can I convince him to get help?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 4
Thank you all. You have given me a lot to think about and some really encouraging advise. I used to be such a strong independent person, and right now in life I feel like a total dependent mess. Hopefully I have the strength to change me for me. I will post again. Thank you!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Glad you made your way here. Al-Anon and SR will help you learn to set boundaries for yourself. If you can learn from what everyone else has experienced, you will be able to regain your strength and sanity much quicker. Hugs and Prayers for you.
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