In a weird place
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
In a weird place
I am in a weird place! I am going to have yet another conversation with my husband. I am done with his "weekend" drinking. Friday after work until late Sunday night. He says I am a hypocrite, I had 2 beers on Saturday night, does that really make me a hypocrite?
Anyway, when he drinks these a few things that comes to mind about how I feel. Disgusted, cant stand him, his breath, annoyed with him, dont want to be around him, his sickening cough from smoking so much and so many other things.
His response is always the same: I do what I need to do before I drink, I can manage myself, I will stop drinking but wont stop drinking beer (isnt beer alcohol), I am not out at the bar drinking, your way too uptight.. I could go on and on.
I am just over all of it! He has major neck and back problems, what I find is strange is he does not complain too much about pain until the morning after frinking. Than he is so dramatic about the pain. I told him, maybe his drinking dehydrates him which causes him more pain?/ I dont know.. I just know I have NO sympathy for him and find myself being nothing but annoyed with him.
Thanks for listening.
Anyway, when he drinks these a few things that comes to mind about how I feel. Disgusted, cant stand him, his breath, annoyed with him, dont want to be around him, his sickening cough from smoking so much and so many other things.
His response is always the same: I do what I need to do before I drink, I can manage myself, I will stop drinking but wont stop drinking beer (isnt beer alcohol), I am not out at the bar drinking, your way too uptight.. I could go on and on.
I am just over all of it! He has major neck and back problems, what I find is strange is he does not complain too much about pain until the morning after frinking. Than he is so dramatic about the pain. I told him, maybe his drinking dehydrates him which causes him more pain?/ I dont know.. I just know I have NO sympathy for him and find myself being nothing but annoyed with him.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
It is frustrating and a tough spot to be in. 
Do you think this next conversation is going to turn out any differently?
In my house there were several thousand conversations - all ending the same. The only thing that changed was my resentment and frustration grew each time.
Perhaps you could take a different approach. You've listed out some things that bother you about this. Maybe you could make another list about the things that you need from a partner. You could articulate and flesh out some boundaries that you have and then find ways in which you would protect them. Boundaries keep you sane no matter what he does or does not do. My counselor had me do this exercise and I couldn't. I had to work soo hard to even be able to articulate those things! That is how disconnected I was from myself. I was consumed with feelings about him and thoughts about his behavior and our 'situation' that I didn't even know who I was - didn't know where to even start!
You can't control his behavior but you can figure out things you can do that will make your weekends more managable and peaceful.
Letting go was very very hard for me. A lot of people suggest al-anon as a way to let go. I didn't start attending al-anon until I had already made the decision that I was done with the relationship. I didn't have any boundareis at all until I declared a very extreme one which was "I will not live with active alcoholism." So I didn't. I divorced him. I'm not saying you should do that by any means I'm just sharing that I waited waaay to long to start addressing issues of boundaries and letting go and I paid a steep personal price for that and so did the relationship.
Do you think this next conversation is going to turn out any differently?
In my house there were several thousand conversations - all ending the same. The only thing that changed was my resentment and frustration grew each time.
Perhaps you could take a different approach. You've listed out some things that bother you about this. Maybe you could make another list about the things that you need from a partner. You could articulate and flesh out some boundaries that you have and then find ways in which you would protect them. Boundaries keep you sane no matter what he does or does not do. My counselor had me do this exercise and I couldn't. I had to work soo hard to even be able to articulate those things! That is how disconnected I was from myself. I was consumed with feelings about him and thoughts about his behavior and our 'situation' that I didn't even know who I was - didn't know where to even start!
You can't control his behavior but you can figure out things you can do that will make your weekends more managable and peaceful.
Letting go was very very hard for me. A lot of people suggest al-anon as a way to let go. I didn't start attending al-anon until I had already made the decision that I was done with the relationship. I didn't have any boundareis at all until I declared a very extreme one which was "I will not live with active alcoholism." So I didn't. I divorced him. I'm not saying you should do that by any means I'm just sharing that I waited waaay to long to start addressing issues of boundaries and letting go and I paid a steep personal price for that and so did the relationship.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome, so glad your here, so sorry for your situation.
Like so many here, someone elses drinking is affecting you, since you cannot control what he does, you have to decide how to react to it.
Maybe that is setting a boundary, making your own weekend space, leaving for the weekend, etc.
I can tell you from experience that no amount of expressed disgust, concern, ranting and raving, crying or anything else will change his behavior one iota.
Please read the threads here and the stickies at the top of the page, as Thumper says maybe try Al-anon, but focus on you.
Best of luck to you.
Bill
Like so many here, someone elses drinking is affecting you, since you cannot control what he does, you have to decide how to react to it.
Maybe that is setting a boundary, making your own weekend space, leaving for the weekend, etc.
I can tell you from experience that no amount of expressed disgust, concern, ranting and raving, crying or anything else will change his behavior one iota.
Please read the threads here and the stickies at the top of the page, as Thumper says maybe try Al-anon, but focus on you.
Best of luck to you.
Bill
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