Reframing "The Problem"
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Reframing "The Problem"
For myself, I find it useful to "reframe the problem" so I am not labeling a person this or that, according to "some program." I know a lot of you on this board are hardcore Alanon and I respect your path. I did Alanon for six year's so I think that gives me the right to have my own opinion. I found it very useful up to a point . . .
Skipping forward to "the problem" - there are people in my life I have labled "alcoholic" or "problem drinker," or "addictive," or whatever. I find language very limiting. When I am in a place where I have been triggered, or in crisis, I am much more apt to apply these labels because I get scared and angry.
In fact, I don't know what anyone "is." I do remember in the program it was not considered useful to "take the inventory" of anyone else, but if you are going to define yourself as co-dependent and call the other person an alcoholic or an addict, that is pretty much taking a basic inventory (without getting into a lot of detail).
I actually find this board useful, because a person can come here and vent AND take inventory . . . it seems to be understood that it is a safe place to do that and I think it serves a purpose up to a point.
When I am more centered, I TRY to see the person who has caused so much grief in a larger perspective, as a human being on a spiritual path who might be in pain or having challenges, or stirring up trouble, or addicted to something . . . and I also see the personality traits - the "character defects" - and when I am in that space, I am a saint by contrast . . . and when/IF I get back "on my side of the street" (which I have trouble staying on), I have a full time job managing my stress, anxiety, fear, lack of trust, anger, etc.
Today I woke up kind of scared about one of my loved ones . . .and all day I have battled feelings of worry . . .I did an art project where I put him in the middle of a board and put angels and supportive family members around him . . .and wrote stuff in between . . .that is kind of my prayer board regarding this person. I just used the board to send him a message (actually spoke to it) and told him how much I love him and how he has all of this support and blah, blah, blah (personal, loving blahs) . . . I believe strongly in the power of prayer.
For myself, my challenge is trusting that everything is as it should be. I have major issues around coping and fears of "what could happen." Have a hard time staying in the present - have a hard time accepting some of what I have heard . . .get really visceral reactions to some of the stuff . . .it literally makes me sick . . .get into whole loops of disappointment, despair, etc.
I just wanted to share my struggle with moving back and forth between fear and love . . .when I am in fear, I want to use the labels - and it is much easier . . . when I am trending towards love, I want to see the person as whole and perfect and healthy and strong . . .I don't want to send my prayers out as worries because I think that has a strong negative impact.
I have pretty much been a wreck this week, but I am proud at my coping skills and my ability to handle what I have absorbed so far. I know in the future I might slip back to the scary place and I hope I can tell when I am there (usually I am sucked in by it and don't even know it has happened).
Just wanted to share part of my spiritual journey around this issue of alcohol . . .thank you for listening if you did.
P.S. I don't know if I should have posted this in another forum - if it is in the wrong forum, please feel free to move it.
Skipping forward to "the problem" - there are people in my life I have labled "alcoholic" or "problem drinker," or "addictive," or whatever. I find language very limiting. When I am in a place where I have been triggered, or in crisis, I am much more apt to apply these labels because I get scared and angry.
In fact, I don't know what anyone "is." I do remember in the program it was not considered useful to "take the inventory" of anyone else, but if you are going to define yourself as co-dependent and call the other person an alcoholic or an addict, that is pretty much taking a basic inventory (without getting into a lot of detail).
I actually find this board useful, because a person can come here and vent AND take inventory . . . it seems to be understood that it is a safe place to do that and I think it serves a purpose up to a point.
When I am more centered, I TRY to see the person who has caused so much grief in a larger perspective, as a human being on a spiritual path who might be in pain or having challenges, or stirring up trouble, or addicted to something . . . and I also see the personality traits - the "character defects" - and when I am in that space, I am a saint by contrast . . . and when/IF I get back "on my side of the street" (which I have trouble staying on), I have a full time job managing my stress, anxiety, fear, lack of trust, anger, etc.
Today I woke up kind of scared about one of my loved ones . . .and all day I have battled feelings of worry . . .I did an art project where I put him in the middle of a board and put angels and supportive family members around him . . .and wrote stuff in between . . .that is kind of my prayer board regarding this person. I just used the board to send him a message (actually spoke to it) and told him how much I love him and how he has all of this support and blah, blah, blah (personal, loving blahs) . . . I believe strongly in the power of prayer.
For myself, my challenge is trusting that everything is as it should be. I have major issues around coping and fears of "what could happen." Have a hard time staying in the present - have a hard time accepting some of what I have heard . . .get really visceral reactions to some of the stuff . . .it literally makes me sick . . .get into whole loops of disappointment, despair, etc.
I just wanted to share my struggle with moving back and forth between fear and love . . .when I am in fear, I want to use the labels - and it is much easier . . . when I am trending towards love, I want to see the person as whole and perfect and healthy and strong . . .I don't want to send my prayers out as worries because I think that has a strong negative impact.
I have pretty much been a wreck this week, but I am proud at my coping skills and my ability to handle what I have absorbed so far. I know in the future I might slip back to the scary place and I hope I can tell when I am there (usually I am sucked in by it and don't even know it has happened).
Just wanted to share part of my spiritual journey around this issue of alcohol . . .thank you for listening if you did.
P.S. I don't know if I should have posted this in another forum - if it is in the wrong forum, please feel free to move it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
My wife tells me when I struggle with people, try and see that person as an infant, remember the world made this person the way they are.
pIt is a struggle for me to do this, again this is why the "practice" portion of spiritual practice is so important it takes practice all day every day to be the person you want to be.
Please don't fret, you are making your best effort.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
pIt is a struggle for me to do this, again this is why the "practice" portion of spiritual practice is so important it takes practice all day every day to be the person you want to be.
Please don't fret, you are making your best effort.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Well I used to do a lot of what you are still trying to do.
I have been recovery a long time, and you know what? I had quite an awakening a few years back .............................. I stopped putting different labels on them, didn't matter if they were codie, alkie, addict, mental problems, whatever, what they were is TOXIC to me.
I'm getting up in year now, and I have chosen, be they family or just friends, if they are Toxic I have no contact. I value my calm house, my serenity and my peace of mind too much. I can't fix them, I can't change them, I won't lend them money, and I absolutely refuse to hear their quacking.
That is just my way now. I am 66 1/2 years old and I value my QUIET LIFE!
Love and hugs,
I have been recovery a long time, and you know what? I had quite an awakening a few years back .............................. I stopped putting different labels on them, didn't matter if they were codie, alkie, addict, mental problems, whatever, what they were is TOXIC to me.
I'm getting up in year now, and I have chosen, be they family or just friends, if they are Toxic I have no contact. I value my calm house, my serenity and my peace of mind too much. I can't fix them, I can't change them, I won't lend them money, and I absolutely refuse to hear their quacking.
That is just my way now. I am 66 1/2 years old and I value my QUIET LIFE!
Love and hugs,
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