Sister getting out of rehab Wednesday need advice

Old 12-04-2011, 04:32 PM
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Sister getting out of rehab Wednesday need advice

My sister is getting out of rehab on Wednesday this week for maybe (I'm guessing) the 15th time. She has lost everything at this point and before she went into to rehab was sleeping at a storage facility. Our family went to probate court to have her committed. The 28 days are up--she drinks anything-- hand sanitizer, mouth wash, vanilla extract--pretty much anything with alcohol in it so I have little hope that this 28 days will be any different than the last ones. Here goes: When she gets home what do I do if she asks me to help her with living arrangements? Do I just let her be homeless right out of rehab or do I give her a chance and help her to find a place to stay? When she called to say she was getting out next Wednesday--I just said hopefully everything is going well and I am sure that you will work everything out. Any insight would be welcome. I want to help but not enable. I am new to this forum but not new to dealing with her drinking and am going to my first meeting next Thursday.
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Old 12-04-2011, 04:39 PM
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(((desperatesister))) welcome to SR! I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but it sounds as if you've been through this for quite a while. I think you were wise in your response, and don't think I'd be offering her help with living arrangements, either. I'm an RA (recovering addict) and have loved ones who are addicts. When we addicts truly want recovery, we find it.

I'm glad you've found us, and are going to a meeting. Your sister will find her way, in whichever direction she truly wants to go. This is a great place for ES&H (experience, strength and hope) from people who know what you are going through.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 12-04-2011, 04:46 PM
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IMO she knows where to go, a SLH....whether she chooses to do that is up to her.

She is an adult, her recovery is up to her, enabling is not the answer.

Keep posting, it will help.
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Old 12-04-2011, 05:08 PM
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I am nervous--it was hard letting her sleep in the storage place but I was hoping that it would finally make her wake up--she is about 2 hours away so what if she calls for a ride home?
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Old 12-04-2011, 05:59 PM
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Believe me when I say this, if she wanted to use/drink alcohol she would find a way to get the fix, bus, train, walk, hitch hike, skip or crawl. And, if she wants to find a way back home, she will.

People in jail, prison, rehab or detox all discuss the same things, that includes SLH, Salvation Army, how to get home, how to con others and so forth....they are master manipulators and your sister has been around the block more than one time. She has it all figured out, it's just a matter if the enablers will agree to her plan or not.

Go to meetings, read Codependent No More, both are a good starting point and read all the stickies at the top of this and the F & F of substance abusers, lots of good information at your fingertips.

We are here for you, keep posting.
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Old 12-04-2011, 06:26 PM
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At this point I am at a loss--not sure what kind of relationship to have with her. I am so sad just this week another old friend died at 49 and I hate to think that she will die also. I have been reading here for a while so I have finally realized that I can't help her but it just makes me so sad. She was such a life force for me and the last 12 years have really changed her. It has progressed to a level that I worry that it is more than alcoholism and there are mental issues and I have done ALL of the wrong things thinking that I was helping her but now realize that I have played right into the whole thing.
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Old 12-04-2011, 06:42 PM
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Oh, desperatesister, I have two brothers and a sister, and a wife of 21 years who are all addicts. It never mattered what I did or did not do, they did what they wanted to. So far, my sister and both my brothers have survived and are all clean. I can only hope that my wife will do the same, although it's too early to tell. You know what I've learned? They will do what they will do. And, they will do it in their own time. Your worrying and my worrying are exactly that -- you and me worrying. In the meantime, they do what addicts do, and that is only what they want to do. If we reach out and try our hardest to help them, we are really only helping ourselves not to worry about them. I know that sounds awfully harsh, but it's the reality and truth of THEIR disease. We cannot stop, help, make them see what they're doing, any more than you can stop a terrier from chasing a squirrel. You obviously love your sister. Start going to Al-Anon and learn how to get healthy yourself before your love for your sister does damage to your own health. Peace.
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Old 12-04-2011, 06:47 PM
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Thanks for all of the responses. It will be a difficult week--I am going to really work to detach myself from all of this.
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Old 12-04-2011, 07:46 PM
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If it were me, I would not do it. For many reasons. If and when my sibling were to call, I would say, "No, I cannot help you." Other folks here on SR are even more blunt about it: "'No' is a complete sentence."

Honestly, I have learned that once they have passed a certain point, anything you do to help them, really hurts them. With my brother, just TALKING to him was enabling him to continue to think he was "right," and that everything was OK.

Living in a storage unit does not sound that bad to me. It's not ideal, and people are not supposed to live in them, no, but those things are usually concrete buildings. Many people in the USA live in tents, and shantytowns believe it or not.

I never knew peace or serenity until I turned completely away from my brother and let him sink or swim on his own. Funny, when I did that, not only did I find peace and serenity, but he got clean and sober too.
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Old 12-07-2011, 01:20 PM
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So excited SHE decided to go to a SLH to stay. Hopefully she will be successful. Best part is I didn't talk to her since last Thursday and all of you were right--without me interfering she stepped up to the plate.
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Old 12-07-2011, 01:49 PM
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So happy for you! Stay strong. Everything usually works out in the end, one way or another. I am thinking about you today!
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Old 12-07-2011, 02:22 PM
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Good to hear.
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Old 12-07-2011, 05:05 PM
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Bingo...she either wants recovery or not...the ball is in her court.

Thank you for the update. Keep working your recovery program.
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Old 12-07-2011, 08:43 PM
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So maybe I spoke too soon! She called tonight and said that she couldn't understand why I was so cold to her. And then she switched to how upset she was over how she went to rehab and how it was my fault that she was getting a divorce.
In regards to the SLH I said I am happy for you that you have taken the steps you need to get on your feet and maybe it might be better for both of us if we just don't talk for awhile. I knew she was trying to manipulate me and draw me in. Then she started with the typical stuff (trying to push my buttons) and I said I am going to hang up now and I did. It actually felt great. I don't hold a lot of hope that she will be successful--How does a SLH work?
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Old 12-07-2011, 09:23 PM
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Good Job! You will probably find if you step away she will either help herself, or someone else will. Once everyone stops "helping" she will have a better chance at getting better.

With an SLH she will be in a home with others who are working on sobriety. No drugs or alcohol are allowed in the home and they usually require random testing. There are rules and a community environment where they hold one another accountable. She will most likely be required to get a job immediately, or help pay her way by working within the home until she can do so. Often there is a deposit that will not be refunded if she is kicked out.

I'm a sister too but not so desperate these days because I learned I am not in control. I rarely feel all those bad feelings I once felt when thinking about my brother and he's doing better without my help than he was when I thought I could do something to heal him. I even had my screen name changed and took the word sister out of it.

Hugs and Prayers for you and your family.
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