SoaringSpirits

I'm having a challenge with feeling triggered by my daughter's teacher. My daughter attends a school where the teacher stays with their class through 8th grade. This teacher has been my daughter's teacher for four years now. He has seriously rubbed me, and many other parents, the wrong way since Day 1. He's very insecure and overbearing and narcissistic. Despite my dislike, my daughter has been happy at her long-time school. I really struggled with figuring him out, until a recent event.

I went to a charity event held at a local church. My girlfriend, who's a longtime AA leader, was there and so was the teacher. His reaction at seeing my girlfriend was so hostile and weird. I instantly 'knew' that they must know each other from AA meetings at the church. My girlfriend of course would not confirm this when I asked her, but I could tell by the tone of her voice that my guess was correct.

So now I know that this teacher goes to AA daily, which is great for him. But now I also know that he's an alcoholic, and a serious dry drunk at that. I find that I almost cannot deal with him face to face. He seems to know that I know he's in AA, and of course I'd never share this with anyone. It is obviously a huge secret for him.

My problem is I find even being in the vicinity of him to be a huge trigger for me. He's quite obnoxious at times. My daughter will finish her time with him in June, so I only have to get through the end of this school year. How do I deal with him when he puts me on the spot and says things like "Soaring Spirits isn't all that crazy about me" or "Soaring Spirits would rather I just stay in my own corner." It's like now that we both know the TRUTH, he's become more alcoholic obnoxious than ever to me. It's very strange. I'm about to let him have it, in public, the next time he says something obnoxious to me.

I haven't shared with him that I've separated, or that my husband is an alcoholic. I feel like he would latch on to that and get into my daughter's space and make her uncomfortable. Any tips for dealing with this odd situation?

laurie6781

If anyone, not just someone 'in AA', my daughter's teacher, my hubby's boss, a best friend of a friend, ANYONE was that obnoxious to me in public, my response today would be much better than it would have been say 10 years ago, and yes I am a recovering Alcoholic with over 30 continuous year. My response would be very short, sweet and to the point.:

"Yep, you are absolutely correct. Our personalties clash." And I would walk away.

Every time the person tried again, I would repeat the above and walk away.

That way I am 'putting him down' but I am 'not putting him down.'

I so understand your problem. I do not believe the above would allow him the 'excuse' to possibly antagonize your daughter. And should he start, report it to the principal.

As for your 'growing resentment' you know you can pray for him to get every thing he has always wanted for himself for 14 DAYS STRAIGHT. Now the trick to this is that you cannot miss a day, or you have to start the count over.

Well, I have used it and it does work, and many times I do not get the 14 days in a row. What happens is after the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th restart, I would finally figure out that the person just wasn't worth me having a resentment and it as amazing how quickly I could then let it go.

Just what has worked for me ....................................

Love and hugs,

akrasia

He does sound like an odd duck. But it really may or may not have anything to do with being in AA or an ex-drunk or whatever.

I think it would help if you focused on what specifically he did/does that's inappropriate, and stop trying to figure out his personality. I mean, who knows why people act weird? Who cares, really? All we can do is set boundaries.

For instance, does he ask nosy questions? Make racist jokes? A calm and direct, "That was creepy," can do the trick. Does he try to get to buddy-buddy with his students' moms? Give him the brush-off. Is he weird/mean with students? Report it to the principal.

From what you described, his saying, "Soaring Spirits isn't all that crazy about me," you can literally just ignore, the same way you ignore someone farting in public. If he does that in a group setting, give a wan smile and "mmm" and change the subject. "Yeah, so as we were saying about that new athletic building..."

Don't ask other people about him. It's just not worth your time.

I disagree with the above comment that your personalities clash. When he tries to phrase it that way, he's trying to insinuate that *you've* got some sort of problem too. You don't. Your personalities don't do anything, you're not in any kind of relationship at all with him. You dislike him because he's a clueless boob, and that's the end of it. Put him out of your thoughts.

Willybluedog

IMO, you and your daughter should both document in action that you deem inappropriate, time, date, as many details as you can remember.

I have found that over the years when people knew that I was documenting a conversation that things went much more smoothly, if he would comment about your note-taking, I would just say I have trouble remembering specifics so I take notes when I meet people.

I carry a small aluminum case that has a notepad and pen, they are made by memo-mate and are about $7.00, I just jot as people talk.

I agree with the others, this guy may go to AA but his personality issues could be completely unrelated, focus on his words and his actions, go to the principal with any concerns, we use email to address issues with our childrens teachers and the principal is cc'd on every piece of correspondene.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

NYCDoglvr

Sorry, I don't understand. He's your daughter's teacher and she's happy, does well with him. So why is he a problem for you? And why do you have to be around him so much? Why does it matter that he's a recovering alcoholic?

mattparadise

He sounds kind of weird. It probably doesn't have anything to do with AA. He is who he is.

BlueMoon

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

skippernlilg

I also do not see the issue, and maybe I'm not seeing the whole issue from the post.
My son's 2nd grade teacher was rude, rude, rude to me, and I just did not like her at all. BUT, my son adored her, and he learned a lot from her, including how to loosen up a little and not be so literal about every little thing. He benefited from learning from this lady.

I let it go.

I even wave to her from time to time when I see her. I am grateful for the job she does, even if I didn't seem to like the person she showed me she is.

langkah

Great that your daughter thinks he's fab and is having a good time in school.

Hypothetically...if you obviously triggered someone who was still smarting after a bad experience with someone quite like yourself, would you change your personality and characteristics for them so they would feel better or would you just try to have as little to do with them as is possible?

I know which choice I would pick.