It's over.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 139
It's over.
AH came in as I was going to bed, and after an hour long round and round and round and round and round conversation, we agreed that we are done.
He is unable to deal with my boundary about not sleeping with him when he's drunk/drinking (because he ALWAYS is) and I'm unable to deal with the fact that he doesn't see his drinking as a problem, and flat out says he will not quit. (on top of his irresponsibility with money)
The end.
I am proud that I kept it unemotional and quiet. No yelling on my part. I didn't react, just talked.
I'm shaky and crying, but I know that it's right. My hope is that we can make it these next couple of months to finish out the lease, and then keep it amicable where it comes to our DS. I guess we'll see.
At least it's all out there now. That is a huge weight lifted.
He is unable to deal with my boundary about not sleeping with him when he's drunk/drinking (because he ALWAYS is) and I'm unable to deal with the fact that he doesn't see his drinking as a problem, and flat out says he will not quit. (on top of his irresponsibility with money)
The end.
I am proud that I kept it unemotional and quiet. No yelling on my part. I didn't react, just talked.
I'm shaky and crying, but I know that it's right. My hope is that we can make it these next couple of months to finish out the lease, and then keep it amicable where it comes to our DS. I guess we'll see.
At least it's all out there now. That is a huge weight lifted.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 139
He just came back in back-peddling. Saying that he just wants things the way they used to be, and that I didn't used to care that he drank. He just wants to be with someone that wants him.
I said, I do want you... but I want you sober.
Then he asked if it would make a difference if it was weed, or shrooms or acid instead... to which I said... no. Sober is sober.
He said, "I can't do anything about that" and walked out.
I said, I do want you... but I want you sober.
Then he asked if it would make a difference if it was weed, or shrooms or acid instead... to which I said... no. Sober is sober.
He said, "I can't do anything about that" and walked out.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
(((CagedBird)))
Gentle hugs as you accept this situation.
I know when I told my AH that I was done, that there wasn't anything else I could do to stay in the relationship - he offered to get sober. He asked if I would stay if he quit drinking. I had to tell him that in the past, I thought sober was all I needed. But I had grown to understand that the other behaviors (disrepect, lying, manipulating, belittling, anger) were not going to go away just because he quit drinking. It was the whole package that was unacceptable.
Keep reading and posting during the times ahead.
We understand and we are here to support you along the way.
Gentle hugs as you accept this situation.
I know when I told my AH that I was done, that there wasn't anything else I could do to stay in the relationship - he offered to get sober. He asked if I would stay if he quit drinking. I had to tell him that in the past, I thought sober was all I needed. But I had grown to understand that the other behaviors (disrepect, lying, manipulating, belittling, anger) were not going to go away just because he quit drinking. It was the whole package that was unacceptable.
Keep reading and posting during the times ahead.
We understand and we are here to support you along the way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 139
I'm feeling okay this morning. He's started off being a jerk though.
"Good morning by the way. It'd be nice if I could get a kiss but I'm not expecting anything.... (I didn't kiss him) My expectations are met."
WTF. We broke up. What do you expect?
"Good morning by the way. It'd be nice if I could get a kiss but I'm not expecting anything.... (I didn't kiss him) My expectations are met."
WTF. We broke up. What do you expect?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by CagedBird 
"Good morning by the way. It'd be nice if I could get a kiss but I'm not expecting anything.... (I didn't kiss him) My expectations are met."
WTF.?
Remind yourself of this, you are actually hearing "quack, quack, quack, quack"
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
He WAS expecting a kiss. Why on earth he felt he deserved one is beyond me, but yeah, he expected one. I'm thinking he also expects things to die down over the next few months and that you won't really leave. Be ready for him to offer to slow down on the drinking or even stop. Of course he won't mean it, but when he sees that you are serious about it really being over, he'll start to panic.
Remember what Pelican said...it's not just the drinking, it's the whole package. Even if he did stop drinking, he would be angry about it because he's just not ready to do that, and he'd only be doing it because he thinks that will keep you in your place, and eventually, he would start drinking again.
Remember what Pelican said...it's not just the drinking, it's the whole package. Even if he did stop drinking, he would be angry about it because he's just not ready to do that, and he'd only be doing it because he thinks that will keep you in your place, and eventually, he would start drinking again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
Caged - I Feel your pain as I am going thru the same thing.
About 3 weeks ago i told my AH I wanted him to leave. It was so hard. He's gone now and we are getting thru it.
There is more peace in our home now but the whole emotional side is extremely difficult.
We have 2 boys and I believe we deserved better, so that it the way it has to be.
Stay strong and don't cave on the emotional blackmail.
M.
About 3 weeks ago i told my AH I wanted him to leave. It was so hard. He's gone now and we are getting thru it.
There is more peace in our home now but the whole emotional side is extremely difficult.
We have 2 boys and I believe we deserved better, so that it the way it has to be.
Stay strong and don't cave on the emotional blackmail.
M.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 139
He is also blaming it on me.
Saying that I'm using sex as a weapon. Withholding to get him to quit.
I was aware that he would probably go that angle, but it's still annoying.
I've tried explaining that I'm not keeping sex from him to do anything to him. That I just don't want to have sex with him if he's been drinking because it makes me feel used and generally not good.
He can't see it that way I guess.
Anyway, at this point he can see it however he wants. It's done.
Saying that I'm using sex as a weapon. Withholding to get him to quit.
I was aware that he would probably go that angle, but it's still annoying.
I've tried explaining that I'm not keeping sex from him to do anything to him. That I just don't want to have sex with him if he's been drinking because it makes me feel used and generally not good.
He can't see it that way I guess.
Anyway, at this point he can see it however he wants. It's done.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You cannot reason with an unreasonable person, and, I have never met an addict who was reasonable. In addition, they all attempt to deflect all the focus off of them, and, onto someone else, they are masters at deflection and manipulation.
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