Hi, My name is Lacy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 11
Hi, My name is Lacy
Hello everyone. My name is Lacy. I found this site while looking for some new resources. I have been in alanon for nearly 5 years. It has helped me trememndously, but the last 2 weeks have been extra tough. Here goes:
I have been married for 12 years to what once was a wonderful man. The last two weeks he hasn't said one nice thing to me. I work alot so I have been focusing on that. I live with a man that hates me. and it hurts. I don't do anything wrong. I work, take care of our daughter, cook, clean. I get don't understand his sudden hatred of me. I have a strong program and the last few years have actually been good because of counseling and alanon. Me, not him. He has never been to rehab or AA. He constantly picks apart everything I do. He will not discuss anything with me. It's like he turned into a different human being overnight. Is this normal for alcohol progression? I can't live like this. He stays out drinking all night, especially on fridays. He goes out after work, and is so hard to deal with sat mornings. Things are getting worse. Im thinking my only option is to leave. I can't have my daughter seeing this. I just am trying so hard to understand. I walked into the bedroom earlier to ask him a question. He didn't even look at me and said "Dismissed" Who would be so rude and arrogant? the question had nothng to do with alcohol. It was about christmas gifts. My heart feels broken tonight. If anyone has any advice. I could sure use it.
Lacy
I have been married for 12 years to what once was a wonderful man. The last two weeks he hasn't said one nice thing to me. I work alot so I have been focusing on that. I live with a man that hates me. and it hurts. I don't do anything wrong. I work, take care of our daughter, cook, clean. I get don't understand his sudden hatred of me. I have a strong program and the last few years have actually been good because of counseling and alanon. Me, not him. He has never been to rehab or AA. He constantly picks apart everything I do. He will not discuss anything with me. It's like he turned into a different human being overnight. Is this normal for alcohol progression? I can't live like this. He stays out drinking all night, especially on fridays. He goes out after work, and is so hard to deal with sat mornings. Things are getting worse. Im thinking my only option is to leave. I can't have my daughter seeing this. I just am trying so hard to understand. I walked into the bedroom earlier to ask him a question. He didn't even look at me and said "Dismissed" Who would be so rude and arrogant? the question had nothng to do with alcohol. It was about christmas gifts. My heart feels broken tonight. If anyone has any advice. I could sure use it.
Lacy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
My ex was truly lovely for a decade. He became a different person. Even though we had a nice history, I really felt that the man I knew was gone and I had to leave. What really made me leave is I went to lunch with my old boss and told her what was going on in my life. She said she had an alcoholic dad and her mom finally divorced him when she was in sixth grade and she wished her mom had left sooner. I didn't want to subject my kids to him either, even though he wasn't abusive he was very hard to deal with.
One thing I will say is even though I am WAY poorer I don't regret leaving for a minute. Life is too short to stay in such a bad situation.
One thing I will say is even though I am WAY poorer I don't regret leaving for a minute. Life is too short to stay in such a bad situation.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: california
Posts: 44
Do what makes u happy and he can pick himself apart and find fault in himself. He is jealous of how well you are doing! He doesn't hate you he hates himself and takes it out on you. It is a very progressive disease and it can take your self-worth down with it. Don't allow that or your daughter to see you allowing this to happen to you. You deserve a good life and someone that loves you for everything you are..God Bless!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome Lacy,
So glad you found us, I am so sorry for all you are going through, you and your daughter deserve so much better than this.
This must be crushing your self-esteem and your daughter is witnessing this, she cannot grow up thinking this is how men treat women, please get with an attorney and get him out of your home before this escalates into violence!
It sounds to me like he is trying to make you leave, maybe he wants to be able to say that you left him, then he's the victim instead of what he really is, an abuser of alcohol and an abuser of his wife and child.
I know years ago when I was is my deepest depression I just hated everyone and everything, I wanted everyone to be as miserable as I was, I don't know why anyone put up with me, maybe they knew the old me was in there somewhere.
Please have an escape plan ready if he gets violent, have a place to stay lined up, if you must stay there, then please stay as far away from him as you can, sleep in the basement if you have to, he sounds like he is on a really short fuse.
Please keep us informed, I am worried about you and your daughter, you will be in my thoughts and prayers, if you need someone to talk to I will be there, if you need a hug then just ask, many of us here have been through this before, you do not have to go through this alone.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
So glad you found us, I am so sorry for all you are going through, you and your daughter deserve so much better than this.
This must be crushing your self-esteem and your daughter is witnessing this, she cannot grow up thinking this is how men treat women, please get with an attorney and get him out of your home before this escalates into violence!
It sounds to me like he is trying to make you leave, maybe he wants to be able to say that you left him, then he's the victim instead of what he really is, an abuser of alcohol and an abuser of his wife and child.
I know years ago when I was is my deepest depression I just hated everyone and everything, I wanted everyone to be as miserable as I was, I don't know why anyone put up with me, maybe they knew the old me was in there somewhere.
Please have an escape plan ready if he gets violent, have a place to stay lined up, if you must stay there, then please stay as far away from him as you can, sleep in the basement if you have to, he sounds like he is on a really short fuse.
Please keep us informed, I am worried about you and your daughter, you will be in my thoughts and prayers, if you need someone to talk to I will be there, if you need a hug then just ask, many of us here have been through this before, you do not have to go through this alone.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: northwest
Posts: 33
I left 5 months ago. I should have left 10years ago. I wish you
all the best hun. You need to to what is best for you and your daughter.
I have 3 daughters I wish I was stronger years ago for them. We are all doing pretty good on our own. Less money yes but we have peace.
all the best hun. You need to to what is best for you and your daughter.
I have 3 daughters I wish I was stronger years ago for them. We are all doing pretty good on our own. Less money yes but we have peace.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi Lucy,
Your daughter deserves so much more. I am glad that you understand, your daughters well being is the priorty. She will carry her childhood into adulthood, she needs you to set a good example for her. Accepting and living with an addict is not a healthy enviorment for a child.
If you cannot make the right decision for you, make it for your daughter.
Read all the stickies at the top of this forum and the ones at the F & F of substance abusers,
an addict is an addict.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts.
Your daughter deserves so much more. I am glad that you understand, your daughters well being is the priorty. She will carry her childhood into adulthood, she needs you to set a good example for her. Accepting and living with an addict is not a healthy enviorment for a child.
If you cannot make the right decision for you, make it for your daughter.
Read all the stickies at the top of this forum and the ones at the F & F of substance abusers,
an addict is an addict.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Dear Lucy,
I am so sorry that this is happening to you and your daughter. How sad you must be. I'm glad you have your al-anon, and that you have found SR. There are so many good people here, who have told this story.
I don't have any words of wisdom, but I care , and I hope you get the answers you seek soon.
This brought back memories which i can share. My dad was an alcoholic. He stayed in bars after work, and came home drunk so often. The fighting, the crises at holidays. Him abandoning us for months at a time, with no real hope of change. I just recalled the day my mom sat down with us girls and asked us what we thought about her divorcing our father. If we thought it would be a good thing, and we all were in agreement that it was the right thing. i was 12, sisters 9, and 5. We longed for peace , and an end to the turmoil (putting that lightly). Life was so much more peaceful, and might have been very wonderful, if she had not become an alcoholic a few years after their divorce.
You have our support. I am sure that you will assess the situation, and make sure that you are safe, until you decide which path you must take.
we are here for you!
hugs,
chicory
I am so sorry that this is happening to you and your daughter. How sad you must be. I'm glad you have your al-anon, and that you have found SR. There are so many good people here, who have told this story.
I don't have any words of wisdom, but I care , and I hope you get the answers you seek soon.
This brought back memories which i can share. My dad was an alcoholic. He stayed in bars after work, and came home drunk so often. The fighting, the crises at holidays. Him abandoning us for months at a time, with no real hope of change. I just recalled the day my mom sat down with us girls and asked us what we thought about her divorcing our father. If we thought it would be a good thing, and we all were in agreement that it was the right thing. i was 12, sisters 9, and 5. We longed for peace , and an end to the turmoil (putting that lightly). Life was so much more peaceful, and might have been very wonderful, if she had not become an alcoholic a few years after their divorce.
You have our support. I am sure that you will assess the situation, and make sure that you are safe, until you decide which path you must take.
we are here for you!
hugs,
chicory
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 11
Thank you all so very much. I very much appreciate the stories of the children whose parents were alcoholics. I grew up in a non alcoholic home. Of course, I will not let my child grow up with the anger and rage. Him going out and getting drunk once or twice a month was manageable, but this hatred isn't. It feels like it all changed overnight. But, all that is irrelevant. I won't let my daughter grow up wishing her parents had divorced.
Looking forward to my meeting in the morining. Time to start an exit plan. I would prefer to just leave while he is at work, but I will get the advice of an attorney to see how to handle that situation. He hasnt been physically abusive yet, but it doesn't seem far out of reality....So, I will try to keep things calm here until I figure it all out. And, I always have my parents house as an emergency out.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to me. I really needed the love and warmth tonight. Very much appreciated
Looking forward to my meeting in the morining. Time to start an exit plan. I would prefer to just leave while he is at work, but I will get the advice of an attorney to see how to handle that situation. He hasnt been physically abusive yet, but it doesn't seem far out of reality....So, I will try to keep things calm here until I figure it all out. And, I always have my parents house as an emergency out.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to me. I really needed the love and warmth tonight. Very much appreciated
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Hoping you put your 5 years of Alanon into place for you & your daughter!
Pisses me off to know, how much children have to bear in life, because of
some drunk with a hateful mouth....
Hoping you do the RIGHT thing for your daughter!!! and YOURSELF!!!!!
Pisses me off to know, how much children have to bear in life, because of
some drunk with a hateful mouth....
Hoping you do the RIGHT thing for your daughter!!! and YOURSELF!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 11
Been a stressful day, but I am trying to find the right path for my daughter. It has nothing to do with me anymore. It's her. I can't let her grow up seeing this. Wow, feel like my eyes have opened even more. I'm so glad I do have some alanon under my belt. I can pick myself up....
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Hi Lacy! Your story hit home with me, for sure.
I am an ACoA and the partner of an alcoholic who lived with me for about the same amount of time you've been married. I just knew, knew, knew there was no way I would let my pre-teen child go through all of this. I remember one particular Saturday morning was very much, almost identical, to what you just described.
We have been separated just over 6 months now. My home is peaceful, and my child and I are thriving.
I am an ACoA and the partner of an alcoholic who lived with me for about the same amount of time you've been married. I just knew, knew, knew there was no way I would let my pre-teen child go through all of this. I remember one particular Saturday morning was very much, almost identical, to what you just described.
We have been separated just over 6 months now. My home is peaceful, and my child and I are thriving.
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