How many of you live with the alcoholic?
 

How many of you live with an alcoholic and how have you learned to cope?

I currently do.

I go to Al-Anon meetings, and I spend a lot of time in other rooms doing other things.
We don't interact a lot. Usually if we do it ends up in a fight, or we just don't talk.

I do my own thing.

I also live with an alcoholic. "Luckily" he isn't emotionally or physically abusive to me. If he was, his ass would have hit the curb by now. (been there done that with a non-alcoholic, not doing it again)

I'm still learning to cope. Better boundaries have helped.

I do.

I am relatively lucky in that my AH is a good guy, drunk or sober. He closet drinks daily, gets quieter and then goes to bed. He is employed and pulls his weight around the house. No drama, no fights, no intimacy. I view him as a room mate now. It's easier that way.

I go to Alanon once or twice a week. I read here. I do my own thing. Make my own plans.

When I realized he was not drinking "at" me, he was just drinking, I lost a lot of bitterness and resentment. It allowed me to have some compassion for him. As I work my program, things have improved.

When I read that "most people are as happy as they choose to be" I decided to make a conscious effort to choose joy. I am not always successful, but I am surprised at how often I am happy.

It's not ideal (obviously! I'm here!), but day to day is not bad at all, and most days are actually fairly good. Knowing it is progressive, and having seen that in the past, it feels like I'm in the eye of a hurricane, waiting and wondering when the second wall will hit.

i did until just yesterday we decided it was better for him to move out and go to sober living. we also had been sleeping in separate bedrooms. and ive been doing everything to keep busy and out of his way when hes drinking.

I live with my actively drinking AH. He can be verbally abusive when drinking. We now live in separate bedrooms, and I'm trying to figure out how to get out of the marriage. I've been in al-anon for 4 and half years and it's helped me tremendously. I've learned to set boundaries with him and others, but I know he'll never seek recovery. I've had enough and really don't want to take it anymore. We all deserve more than an alcoholic can give us emotionally. I highly recommend al-anon and kick boxing or other aerobic activity to release your stress and frustration.

I do. We manage it with AA and Alanon. If she was not in AA we'd be living apart. If I weren't in Alanon we'd be living apart.

Cyranoak

I do. Same as Cyranoak said: I've learned to cope in Al Anon. He is in AA. If not for those, we'd be living apart.
This resonates with me, too. Detachment has worked wonders.

I have - for 15 years. He is emotionally and verbally abusive when drinking and is very controlling (drunk or sober). He can also be a very kind, thoughtful, sensitive loving and giving person as well. We go through the whole cycle of 'good and evil' - constantly. It goes from very constructive to very destructive. These extremes make it very difficult to get away from :(

I don't anymore, it was bad for my emotional and physical health, now it's me first.

Yes... I do. It is early days for me in discussing issues with my A and most days are OK. There is no physical abuse, but the emotional toll is mounting (on both sides of the fence). We are in discussions about what needs to be done and what needs to change so that our future will improve... I take that as progress. I do not make ultimatums and work very hard to set boundaries and maintain my dignity as well as that of the A. We are passed the point of recognizing the problems (she has admitted to being an alcoholic and I know that I have been codependent) and are slowly moving toward getting help... I have sought SR and that helps me tremendously and I am looking into going to Al-anon, she hasn't done anything concrete thus far except talk, but that is more than she did in the past. All I can do is take care of me...

In comparison, I know my situation could be a lot worse, but it could be so much better as well.

No way, never again. My house is my home and my home is where I find peace and rest. I can't take the daily irritations, problems, and drama alcoholism brings with it.

I do. He is not physically or emotionally abusive to me-he is still working & responsible (as far as paying bills, etc-we are in financial trouble, but not because of money spent on alcohol-because the economy crash obliterated our business & we are just squeaking by). We've discussed it to death, made promises, etc etc. I used to spend all my time trying to figure out how to save him-now i am learning about how to take care of myself. It's hard, but this board helps me immensely...

He is diagnosed as bipolar/add & i believe he drinks when he just cannot take the feelings that come with those things anymore. He is seeing a Therapist & medicated, to the point of being much better, but i know at any time that is all subject to change.

I no longer live with my A. He was unable to function or hold a job and had to move back in with his parents. His disease progressed to such a point where I wondered how his body could continue at all. It got to a point where I was having reoccurring dreams about his death and often feared that I would wake up next to him dead, lying next to me. We are both currently in recovery and he is about 2 months sober. It was only after he moved out had I realized how sick I had become over the course of living with him and started working on ME. My A was also not physically or emotionally abusive -- he simply disappeared into his own world when he drank and I felt absolutely lonely while living with him, whereas now I am simply alone (and loving it). It's taken about 4 months of being on my own for my crazy brain to heal in a way where I can start thinking clearly. It's been hard to emotionally detach from him because I still love him dearly and will likely always love him, but we have no contact and it's been the only way where we can each truly focus on our respective recoveries. 2 months ago I was still overcome with grief, over the loss of what I thought our relationship could have been...if only. I couldn't imagine my life without my A and my heart ached deeply for him every moment. I'm feeling I'm in a much better place right now. I'm not sure what will happen with our relationship or even if I want that type of uncertainty. Life is uncertain no matter how you cut it, but life with an A, recovering or not, is even more uncertain. Right now, I'm grateful for this space and time to focus on me and to count my blessings. The time to deal with the future of the relationship will happen when it's meant to happen. I trust that path will be revealed to me when it is time.

Is this a trick question??
OR
What's your point of asking??

......What are you trying to learn??

Thanks mm0115

"How many of you live with the alcoholic?"
"How many of you live with an alcoholic and how have you learned to cope?"

Good questions. And I can ID with most of the answers. For me it is that there is enough "good" in my AW to want to try to hang in here. She is great to everyone else and only abusive to me. Do I want this to continue? NO Do I hold out false hope ? YES Is it getting worse? Yes. Am I crazy? Probably!

So the next question has to be "Why do we hang in there, in separate rooms, avoiding each other, walking on eggshells, with no intimacy and little connection to the other?

I have so much to learn...

I don't. After a year of chaos, overdosing, crisis, unexplained late night rants, then full relapse I quietly and gently said: "I will support you any way you choose to pursue recovery. BUT If you choose not to recover, you cannot be here.

I cannot, will not, live with the chaos of alcoholism or any addiction. Yes I'm heartbroken in a million ways. BUT I still made the right decision for me. When I come home, this home is my sanctuary. It is quiet, it is clean, it is peaceful and that is how I need to live.

I wish the very best for him that he finds his peace, whatever that means to him. It just won't be with me, so I grieve, and I move on.

I do, but sure wish I didn't

Ms. Grace, the way you speak of your home- sanctuary, peaceful, quiet. I am going to be doing some real soul searching in the very near future. I would love a serene home without an alcoholic living in it.

This.
Thank you Ms Grace :)