How many of you live with the alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: sacramento ca
Posts: 1
im new...i guess im codependent
I have been living with an alcoholic for 10 yrs. I was in denial for the first 5. He has progressed into also taking pain pills and was recently diagnosed as being bipolar and is medicated. He got really bad so I had his parents come down to help me get him some help. They basically came down and have done nothing except enable him. I got so upset I kicked him out. I told him I just neeeded space and he needed to get help. Now I find myself still thinking I can do something to save our marriage. I feel desperate and needy and I cant stand it. He is so angry at me. I feel like he hates me and I am so sad. I know I need to seperate myself, but I am a stay at home mom with 2 boys....1 who has autism...and I am financially dependent on him. I have nothing to fall back on. Any advice would be awesome.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: England
Posts: 116
No I dont, I got fed and couldnt cope with all his exciting misery stuff, really bad for me, he was either all the way up or all the way down.
And I decided I didnt want any of that in my life any longer,and I live a very peaceful life now and today I am so grateful.
Jose2
And I decided I didnt want any of that in my life any longer,and I live a very peaceful life now and today I am so grateful.
Jose2
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 27
Our family's alcoholic brother lives with our mother. She's learning more about codependency and enabling, but it makes me sad that she is on the front lines dealing with this. There have been a couple instances of drunken verbal abuse, normally he's a quiet drunk. A couple instances of him resorting to "creative" tactics to obtain money for booze, returning gifts, etc. Possibly has driven her car short distances drunk. She is frustrated, doesn't want to throw him out, would feel guilty, but also knows that she's enabling the lifestyle to continue.
But, what do you say? If we're supposed to detach with love and let them fall, how do you know when to actually step up and say something like "that dress shirt was a gift, and I know you returned it for booze money", something like that? Frustrating.
But, what do you say? If we're supposed to detach with love and let them fall, how do you know when to actually step up and say something like "that dress shirt was a gift, and I know you returned it for booze money", something like that? Frustrating.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by leamer4 
I have been living with an alcoholic for 10 yrs. I was in denial for the first 5. He has progressed into also taking pain pills and was recently diagnosed as being bipolar and is medicated. He got really bad so I had his parents come down to help me get him some help. They basically came down and have done nothing except enable him. I got so upset I kicked him out. I told him I just neeeded space and he needed to get help. Now I find myself still thinking I can do something to save our marriage. I feel desperate and needy and I cant stand it. He is so angry at me. I feel like he hates me and I am so sad. I know I need to seperate myself, but I am a stay at home mom with 2 boys....1 who has autism...and I am financially dependent on him. I have nothing to fall back on. Any advice would be awesome.
Have you read the stickies at the top? They were so helpful for me when I first came to SR. Keep reading and keep posting. There is a book called 'Co-Dependent No More' that is also recommended a lot and it is a great book. I recommend that too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I do. Today. I can't explain why--I wish I could. If I were to leave, I should have done it a million times years ago, but I have been married 34 years now. But on the positive side, his physical condition simply doesn't allow him to live the crazy life he used to. And when he's sober, I really enjoy being with him.
Eckhart Tolle said that if you are dealing with an "unconscious" person it can be a spiritual exercise. When I read that, at first I thought--how demeaning to be the object of the relationship. If I thought I was nothing more than someone's spiritual exercise, that would suck. And frankly, I thought that if I needed spiritual exercise being married to an unconscious person, I could just as easily join a church, or pray, or something.
Last winter/spring, I took off and lived for six weeks by myself, and it did recalibrate certain things. I've been home for months now, and I can't say I'm running at 100% emotional sanity, but I'm doing better. Do I wish he didn't drink? If I do, that's a wasted thought. As Byron Katie says, he "should" drink, because he does (boy, did it take me forever to get that one!).
The biggest regret that I have about sticking with him through thick and thin is that I have exhibited, or supported, the idea that the drinking family is the normal family. I hate that!! As they say, silence breeds consent, and I have given that kind of "consent" far too often. At the same time, what some call consent I call detachment. What is, is.
On the one hand, he is struggling to survive and he's not even 60. His addicted brain has led him to behaviors that have ruined his health. There are nights that are depressing because he sits in his office and plays maudlin songs, drunk as a sailor. But his heart still has an element of purity: he lights up when he sees me; he adores the kids and they know it; he is a bewildered man wishing he could find refuge from his demons--but that refuge is elusive.
So, I just detach, I do what's best for me at any given time, I meditate so that I can be as honest as possible with myself, I work hard and achieve my own personal goals, I practice mindfulness with zeal, and I'm totally cool with all of that.
But, if I were 33 with young children again, knowing what I know now.... well, it's a rough road to hoe-a VERY rough road to hoe, especially if are not in the right frame of mind to deal with it.
Eckhart Tolle said that if you are dealing with an "unconscious" person it can be a spiritual exercise. When I read that, at first I thought--how demeaning to be the object of the relationship. If I thought I was nothing more than someone's spiritual exercise, that would suck. And frankly, I thought that if I needed spiritual exercise being married to an unconscious person, I could just as easily join a church, or pray, or something.
Last winter/spring, I took off and lived for six weeks by myself, and it did recalibrate certain things. I've been home for months now, and I can't say I'm running at 100% emotional sanity, but I'm doing better. Do I wish he didn't drink? If I do, that's a wasted thought. As Byron Katie says, he "should" drink, because he does (boy, did it take me forever to get that one!).
The biggest regret that I have about sticking with him through thick and thin is that I have exhibited, or supported, the idea that the drinking family is the normal family. I hate that!! As they say, silence breeds consent, and I have given that kind of "consent" far too often. At the same time, what some call consent I call detachment. What is, is.
On the one hand, he is struggling to survive and he's not even 60. His addicted brain has led him to behaviors that have ruined his health. There are nights that are depressing because he sits in his office and plays maudlin songs, drunk as a sailor. But his heart still has an element of purity: he lights up when he sees me; he adores the kids and they know it; he is a bewildered man wishing he could find refuge from his demons--but that refuge is elusive.
So, I just detach, I do what's best for me at any given time, I meditate so that I can be as honest as possible with myself, I work hard and achieve my own personal goals, I practice mindfulness with zeal, and I'm totally cool with all of that.
But, if I were 33 with young children again, knowing what I know now.... well, it's a rough road to hoe-a VERY rough road to hoe, especially if are not in the right frame of mind to deal with it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
I live with my AH. I have one that doesn't drink on a regular basis and hasn't for about 4 years (he stopped shortly after we got together). I think that makes it easier for me to stay. His pattern is to get drunk about 3-4 times a year.
I go to Al-anon and work on my codependency issues. His issues which lead to drinking are anger/stress and he reads about ways to manage those and has become better and practising what he reads. We are both currenly very interested in Pema Chodran.
I go to Al-anon and work on my codependency issues. His issues which lead to drinking are anger/stress and he reads about ways to manage those and has become better and practising what he reads. We are both currenly very interested in Pema Chodran.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 86
I do ... my husband is in a recovery program, but he slips alot. I go to Al-Anon and we do couples counseling with him (where I get to vent). I won't interact with him when he drinks and detach to another room when the behavior is going on where I do things I like to do, he isn't abusive when he drinks - he just putters around until he's done drinking. We have an agreement that we sleep separately when he drinks, and I keep to it. Doesn't bother me as much anymore knowing more about the disease as long as I can detach without consequences.
My RAH is not abusive, he becomes deaf and dumb, thinks he's being funny and I HATE being around him when he acts like a dumb a$#. We have a golden rule in our house: I will respect his right to drink if he respects my right to not like it and I can detach. If he breaks this rule (i.e., not allowing me to detach), I go to a hotel.
Good luck!!!!
My RAH is not abusive, he becomes deaf and dumb, thinks he's being funny and I HATE being around him when he acts like a dumb a$#. We have a golden rule in our house: I will respect his right to drink if he respects my right to not like it and I can detach. If he breaks this rule (i.e., not allowing me to detach), I go to a hotel.
Good luck!!!!
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