Hitting the One Year Mark..."BAFFLING"

Old 12-02-2011, 07:57 AM
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Hitting the One Year Mark..."BAFFLING"

Well, here it is, My one year mark of where I first began my journey..
My true journey of when me (wife) met (alcoholic) husband.
The month, when I finally understood and opened up my eyes
and realized he wasnt just a heavy drinker, he was a full fledged
alcoholic...My life had become a mess...

Last year at this same time, I had a alcoholic husband living at home.
Sucking me physically, emotionally, financially dry...
Furniture under the doors, cops/ems at the house, hiding out on the streets
in the middle of the night, not eating, not knowing if I was going to survive.
And I didnt have my daughter in my life. Friends were distant and family didnt understand what was going on.

This year, I have peace in my home. I have my daughter back into my life.
I still have lot's of day's of confussion, sadness, and anger. But now I have
a program that help's me wrangle up those emotions and I understand why
Im a mess somedays. I have day's of happiness and I wont lie, I do have day's where I get a lonely feeling. I have basically all new friends in my life and now my family understands. I have the freedom to choose happiness.
I have new struggles, but I try to make them into new adventures instead of
struggles. Everyday isnt positive. But everyday is a new day and a new
adventure. Wheter it be because of divorce, alcoholism or just being human.
The house still hasnt sold, but it's peaceful. I no longer live in shame or fear. I no longer have to deal with embrassment or denial. I dont know where Im going. But I do know who I am..

Yesterday, I was a mess and I knew the day was coming. I hadnt slept the night before just thinking about the new month of December. I looked like crap, felt like crap and just thought about crap all day long.

Yesterday, it was like reliving the nightmare. I could see him passed out drunk. I could see the cold empty house filled with destruction. I could feel my body shiver, like it was only yesterday. At one point, I wondered if I
seriously had ptsd's over this...My mind had a pony show of it's own...

I came home from work and submerged my head under hot bath water, did
some kind of deep breathing, just to say I did water yoga, ate a bowl of soup and went to bed. Got 10 hours of sleep and pulled my head back around.

But I thought about this, Once upon a time I had went thru a divorce before with 2 small children. At that time I thought it was the hardest thing I'd had ever went thru in my life. It was not a alcoholic divorce. The kid's and I had some adjustments. The kid's still suffered, that was their dad, no matter what...But my pain, went away..

16 years later, here I go again. Divorce, but now with an alcoholic.
What was the difference? Hmmm......
Im older, somewhat wiser, thought I had married my soulmate
Then pops up the word <Alcoholism>
We didnt get divorced because we fought like a normal couple
or because we didnt like each other
We got divorced because he is an alcoholic and refuses to stop drinking.

I sat there thinking about that..Then the word "Baffling" came to my mind
I dont know what other word that best describes it to me...

As much as I have learned over the last year.."Baffling" wont leave my thoughts...

I got really F..mad...Im a stronger woman than this, right !?!?!?!

(YES, I AM!!!)...Today My Word's Will Be: I must, I will, I can, I need

instead of < I WANT >

and I will Let Go & Let God help me with the word <BAFFLING>

TODAY, I will count my blessing's and take it one day at a time!!

It's kind of like a celebration day for me, so Im celebrating with cake!!!
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Old 12-02-2011, 09:00 AM
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Good for you, I am so proud of you!
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Old 12-02-2011, 09:22 AM
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Congrats on your 1 year anniversary towards freedom! It does take a while to adjust to changes.

I went through a similar situation. I was with/married to my ex that I was with for 13 years. It wasn't a bitter divorce. We truly cared about and loved each other, but gave one another the dignity of moving on. I can still talk to my ex, and do on occasion, and he gets me and understands me to this day. I got over that relationship rather quickly.

I have been with my ABF for over 4 years, going on 5 in April (Bleck!). It has been the most painful, confusing, baffling (there's your word) relationship of my life. It should be the happiest, we have a beautiful 2 year old, both have decent jobs, I am a good person (but have become bitter towards him) and yet alcohol/addictions (he only drinks now, no pills or anything else ...) have just came in and sucked the life out of anything with a pulse. It disgusts me really.

You had the courage to work towards a better life. Changes and acceptance take time. I'm sure living with this disease can/does give a person something akin to ptsd. I feel like that at times too. It is like being bombarded with negative energy 24/7 while in the situation, and when you get away perhaps it's a little like Stockholm Syndrome. Who knows, but you are definitely in a better place now!
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Old 12-02-2011, 10:56 PM
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I love you BobbyJ!

Here's to a year!
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