Want to withdraw financial help, but he can't find work
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Ballwin, Missouri
Posts: 1
Want to withdraw financial help, but he can't find work
Hi everyone. I've been lurking and reading around here for a while, so I guess it's time to come out of the shadows. I will say that I know I'm a co-dependent, I've read Melody Beattie's book, and I go to Al-Anon. So it's not that I don't think those are helpful suggestions, just that I'm already doing them.
My XAH and I have been divorced for three years. We have a young child together. XAH has had sporadic contact with her at best. He has not stopped drinking for any long length of time since the divorce, but he has been through rehab twice, and lived in a sober house once for two months. So I guess that three month period was his record. He's burned quite a few jobs during this time too. He always says that the jobs he takes are "beneath him" because he's educated and the jobs have been pretty low level, but that's because his resume is quite spotty.
He said he wanted to move to another city because he thought job opportunities would be better for him, and he wouldn't need to drive (he doesn't have a license either--anyone want to guess why?). I wanted him gone too, because he's a strain on my emotional health when he's here, so I gave him $2000 to move up there. He currently has a part-time job that he can telecommute from, but that only makes him about $600 a month.
Well, he's been up in the new city now for a few weeks, and so far, no bites. When I send him Craigslist Ads I find for jobs that I think he could get easily and quickly, like being a line cook, which he has experience in, or working at a call center, he says those jobs are not appropriate for someone of his education level (he has a graduate degree). Well, maybe not, but they pay money, more money than he is making now! I know he has looked at some less-than-ideal jobs, he went on an interview for a burger chain even to try and be an assistant manager, but he said there were 140 people in line when he got there so he doesn't hold out much for that position.
He wants me to agree to support him financially for three more months, or until he gets a job. This would cost me about $1400 a month. I am in a financial position where while this is not ideal for me, I can afford it with little strain. But I can't afford it forever. Three months sounds OK to me too, because it seems anyone should be able to at least get some kind of job in three months, but maybe not in this economy? And I worry that he will not even try for jobs that he feels are "beneath him", and that may just be where he has to start. I know good jobs are hard to come by even for people with great resumes.
I think part of this is fueled a little by guilt on my part, because I am recently engaged and am moving myself and my daughter out of our home state, and I know he's mad about it. But he moved first, so I don't feel like he has too much room to talk. But I know if he comes back to our home state, he will cause more problems for me surrounding my move.
I guess my question is this . . .I've already basically agreed to the three-month support, but what happens when the three months are up and he still doesn't have a job? I can't keep supporting him forever. But he has no one else, so if he doesn't have a job by then, he'd really have no where to go except the streets. Is it acceptable to let him do that? Part of me feels like no feeling person would do that to another, and part of me feels like it might be the wake-up call he would need that even jobs that are "beneath him" are better than nothing. And I also feel like with jobs so hard to come by, maybe he really wouldn't be able to get anything in three months even if he is trying very hard, and is it really acceptable to just cut off support when someone is trying to get a job but can't because of the economy?
I know I'm not doing a very good job of detaching from this situation, but it seems so difficult to tell a person I once loved and the father of my child that I won't him if I know that going to a homeless shelter is his only other option. And wouldn't it be hard to go from that to actually having a job? It seems like if he ever gets to that point, he'll never recover from it and become a person that can support himself again.
My XAH and I have been divorced for three years. We have a young child together. XAH has had sporadic contact with her at best. He has not stopped drinking for any long length of time since the divorce, but he has been through rehab twice, and lived in a sober house once for two months. So I guess that three month period was his record. He's burned quite a few jobs during this time too. He always says that the jobs he takes are "beneath him" because he's educated and the jobs have been pretty low level, but that's because his resume is quite spotty.
He said he wanted to move to another city because he thought job opportunities would be better for him, and he wouldn't need to drive (he doesn't have a license either--anyone want to guess why?). I wanted him gone too, because he's a strain on my emotional health when he's here, so I gave him $2000 to move up there. He currently has a part-time job that he can telecommute from, but that only makes him about $600 a month.
Well, he's been up in the new city now for a few weeks, and so far, no bites. When I send him Craigslist Ads I find for jobs that I think he could get easily and quickly, like being a line cook, which he has experience in, or working at a call center, he says those jobs are not appropriate for someone of his education level (he has a graduate degree). Well, maybe not, but they pay money, more money than he is making now! I know he has looked at some less-than-ideal jobs, he went on an interview for a burger chain even to try and be an assistant manager, but he said there were 140 people in line when he got there so he doesn't hold out much for that position.
He wants me to agree to support him financially for three more months, or until he gets a job. This would cost me about $1400 a month. I am in a financial position where while this is not ideal for me, I can afford it with little strain. But I can't afford it forever. Three months sounds OK to me too, because it seems anyone should be able to at least get some kind of job in three months, but maybe not in this economy? And I worry that he will not even try for jobs that he feels are "beneath him", and that may just be where he has to start. I know good jobs are hard to come by even for people with great resumes.
I think part of this is fueled a little by guilt on my part, because I am recently engaged and am moving myself and my daughter out of our home state, and I know he's mad about it. But he moved first, so I don't feel like he has too much room to talk. But I know if he comes back to our home state, he will cause more problems for me surrounding my move.
I guess my question is this . . .I've already basically agreed to the three-month support, but what happens when the three months are up and he still doesn't have a job? I can't keep supporting him forever. But he has no one else, so if he doesn't have a job by then, he'd really have no where to go except the streets. Is it acceptable to let him do that? Part of me feels like no feeling person would do that to another, and part of me feels like it might be the wake-up call he would need that even jobs that are "beneath him" are better than nothing. And I also feel like with jobs so hard to come by, maybe he really wouldn't be able to get anything in three months even if he is trying very hard, and is it really acceptable to just cut off support when someone is trying to get a job but can't because of the economy?
I know I'm not doing a very good job of detaching from this situation, but it seems so difficult to tell a person I once loved and the father of my child that I won't him if I know that going to a homeless shelter is his only other option. And wouldn't it be hard to go from that to actually having a job? It seems like if he ever gets to that point, he'll never recover from it and become a person that can support himself again.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
mssieg69, hon, you're still Enabling.
Well, at this rate, at the end of the three months, you are going to be asking yourself the same question you are asking today. The REASON for divorce is so that you are no longer financially supporting or responsible for the other person. You're still "married" to this guy.
Yes. In fact, it is advisable. IMO, you are HURTING him, not helping him. I don't understand why you are even contemplating supporting him three months.
Yes, they would. And doing so is not "doing something to someone else," that's just addictive thinking. Taking care of ME by not giving you my money has nothing to do with you. He is not the Center of the Universe. This is key to understand.
I GAVE my brother A HOUSE in an attempt to "give him a wake-up call." It did not work and I was out an entire house and all the money I put into it. He sold the house and snorted all the money up his nose. mssieg, hon, they do not need wake-up calls, nor do they want them. You are continuing to give him money in the hopes that someday he will actually give you the money he owes you in child support. This makes no sense.
This is an excuse. If he WANTED a job, he would have one by now. By why get a job when you will support him so nicely?
Yes! What are you, Unemployment? The government? It's NOT your job to support the homeless, the unemployed, or the hungry. THAT is the government's job. If you continue to support him, who is going to employ all those social workers and other government workers? If it were me, I'd look up the number to social services in his city, and give him THAT instead of the money for the next three months.
Well start DOING a good job of Detaching. You can. It is NOT difficult to tell him to take care of himself. "The father of my child" is sentiment only. What is wrong with living in a homeless shelter?
No. That's what they have job coaches and job placement people for. Give him the number for his local unemployment office. They have PROFESSIONALS they pay to help people with this.
What do you mean? He ALREADY IS a person who is not supporting himself. YOU are! Don't do that.
(((hugs))) You can do this!
I guess my question is this . . .I've already basically agreed to the three-month support, but what happens when the three months are up and he still doesn't have a job?
I can't keep supporting him forever. But he has no one else, so if he doesn't have a job by then, he'd really have no where to go except the streets. Is it acceptable to let him do that?
Part of me feels like no feeling person would do that to another,
and part of me feels like it might be the wake-up call he would need that even jobs that are "beneath him" are better than nothing.
And I also feel like with jobs so hard to come by, maybe he really wouldn't be able to get anything in three months even if he is trying very hard,
and is it really acceptable to just cut off support when someone is trying to get a job but can't because of the economy?
I know I'm not doing a very good job of detaching from this situation, but it seems so difficult to tell a person I once loved and the father of my child that I won't him if I know that going to a homeless shelter is his only other option.
And wouldn't it be hard to go from that to actually having a job?
It seems like if he ever gets to that point, he'll never recover from it and become a person that can support himself again.
(((hugs))) You can do this!
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
Mmmm....I think it's admirable of you to try to help this person who's obviously struggling with many things in his life.
Yes, it IS hard to find work. With his level of education, unless he lies about that, a lot of places are suspicious of why a person would be applying for a job "beneath their skills."
I've been in HR forever and certain things make or break a potential applicant.
When we see degrees that are well and above what is required for the job, it's almost certain they will not even get a interview. Is that fair? Absolutely not. ///does not go on a tangent///
You said you've pretty much agreed to support him for 3 months. That it's not going to break the bank. Please don't feel that he will be homeless.
Social services can help a lot. Housing is usually where one runs into the waiting lists.
3 months is plenty of time to look for steady employment without a heap of stress (major source for relapsing and/or depression), to get through the paperwork and interview with social services and maybe most importantly, for him to get his crap together on his addiction.
I have NO clue about your history together, just this one post.
It's pretty clear you have a much better life & future than he's been able to make for himself.
It's very stressful to look for work, to be rejected, to not be able to use the education one has. 3 months of support might be exactly what will get him off to a good start.
IF he doesn't make this work, to really see the opportunity that you're giving him, then at the end of the 3 months you should be able to say "I've done everything I could to help this man" and be done with it. You're not locked into helping him forever. There's a time limit here.
I can understand being the one in better shape after a divorce and seeing the other fall apart, flounder, seemingly make their lives as horrible as possible (sometimes it comes across as self sabotage/punishment for the wrongs they've done.)
didn't mean to write a book when I started this! :-)
No matter what you decide, you seem like a very caring person who's trying to help out an ex that doesn't have a lot of ..er... hope? Future?
I don't see this as enabling but that's not my call. Generous? yes. Kind? very. Cautious in your approach? I see that too.
Best of luck - I seriously hope that he looks at this as a means to a good future. He's most likely never going to have such a generous offer again.
If I were a betting type of gal, I'd wonder if he's not seeing the child because so much of our self worth is dependent on our employment/wage.
ack! ending my book. :-)
Yes, it IS hard to find work. With his level of education, unless he lies about that, a lot of places are suspicious of why a person would be applying for a job "beneath their skills."
I've been in HR forever and certain things make or break a potential applicant.
When we see degrees that are well and above what is required for the job, it's almost certain they will not even get a interview. Is that fair? Absolutely not. ///does not go on a tangent///
You said you've pretty much agreed to support him for 3 months. That it's not going to break the bank. Please don't feel that he will be homeless.
Social services can help a lot. Housing is usually where one runs into the waiting lists.
3 months is plenty of time to look for steady employment without a heap of stress (major source for relapsing and/or depression), to get through the paperwork and interview with social services and maybe most importantly, for him to get his crap together on his addiction.
I have NO clue about your history together, just this one post.
It's pretty clear you have a much better life & future than he's been able to make for himself.
It's very stressful to look for work, to be rejected, to not be able to use the education one has. 3 months of support might be exactly what will get him off to a good start.
IF he doesn't make this work, to really see the opportunity that you're giving him, then at the end of the 3 months you should be able to say "I've done everything I could to help this man" and be done with it. You're not locked into helping him forever. There's a time limit here.
I can understand being the one in better shape after a divorce and seeing the other fall apart, flounder, seemingly make their lives as horrible as possible (sometimes it comes across as self sabotage/punishment for the wrongs they've done.)
didn't mean to write a book when I started this! :-)
No matter what you decide, you seem like a very caring person who's trying to help out an ex that doesn't have a lot of ..er... hope? Future?
I don't see this as enabling but that's not my call. Generous? yes. Kind? very. Cautious in your approach? I see that too.
Best of luck - I seriously hope that he looks at this as a means to a good future. He's most likely never going to have such a generous offer again.
If I were a betting type of gal, I'd wonder if he's not seeing the child because so much of our self worth is dependent on our employment/wage.
ack! ending my book. :-)
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
He is living the life he has chosen...and you are supporting him in doing so. You are paying for him to have a warm place to sleep, a roof over his head and booze in his hand. He has no incentive, no desire, to change that lifestyle. And why would he? You think he is pounding the pavement to look for a job (and there ARE jobs out there)? He has tucked himself away somewhere that you can't see his day-to-day behavior, with no need to make money. It is exactly what he wants. And three months of doing for him what he should be doing for himself isn't going to make all the difference in the world. It just prolongs his current lifestyle and prevents him from feeling the true pain of his own choices.
Here is the deal...unless people feel pain, they have NO incentive to change the situation that is causing them pain. A lot of people come here wondering where someone "rock bottom" is. No one can really say that but one thing is for sure, if we keep doing things that prevent a person from hitting it, then we are in fact denying them a chance of recovery. In this case, it could very well be that your financial support (if you want to make this about him) is denying him the gift of desperation that comes with falling flat on his face.
Now...turning it back to you...why are you financially supporting a man who provides no support of any kind to you, or more importantly, his own daughter? Wouldn't that money be better invested in a college fund or even a fun family vacation for you and your daughter? In my opinion, you are basically taking $4200, dousing it in booze, and setting it on fire.
And as for already making a 3-month commitment, it is your money. You can change your mind at any time...its not a contract. It is YOUR choice. Always.
****Yeesh...sorry that I sound like a hag this morning. I actually had a big awakening a couple of months ago regarding financial support so it is still kind of a sore spot for me. I'm having to be very tough on myself and maybe that makes me tough on other people.
My ex owns a painting business and has been whining for months that the economy is too bad and he has no work. He is living with his parents so I haven't been paying his living expenses but he also hasn't been paying child support (so same difference, I guess). For the past few months, I've been "loaning" him money to pay his cell phone bill. I had told myself that because he has our kids for weekly visitation, he needed to have a phone so I could contact him. However, by piecing some things together over a period of weeks, I realized a couple of key things: 1. He was actually blowing off phone calls and potential work. I guess the jobs were "too small to take on". WTF???? 2. He was also carrying on some weird phone relationship with a woman (who is on another carrier) which blew his minute and text limits out of the water. So, in essence, I was paying his cell phone bill so he could NOT return phone calls for bids and so he could have phone sex. Lovely.
That is when I decided that, although I had told him I would keep his cell phone on "for the boys", I was no longer going to honor that deal. Instead, I spent less money to put our oldest son on my plan and get HIM a phone. He's more reliable.
Anyway...that's where the first part of my post came from. I took a HARD look at myself, sliced through my own pitiful excuses and did the right thing...the right thing for ME.
Glad you are here! Keep reading. Keep posting. The people on this forum have invaluable experience, stories of hope and unending support.
Here is the deal...unless people feel pain, they have NO incentive to change the situation that is causing them pain. A lot of people come here wondering where someone "rock bottom" is. No one can really say that but one thing is for sure, if we keep doing things that prevent a person from hitting it, then we are in fact denying them a chance of recovery. In this case, it could very well be that your financial support (if you want to make this about him) is denying him the gift of desperation that comes with falling flat on his face.
Now...turning it back to you...why are you financially supporting a man who provides no support of any kind to you, or more importantly, his own daughter? Wouldn't that money be better invested in a college fund or even a fun family vacation for you and your daughter? In my opinion, you are basically taking $4200, dousing it in booze, and setting it on fire.
And as for already making a 3-month commitment, it is your money. You can change your mind at any time...its not a contract. It is YOUR choice. Always.
****Yeesh...sorry that I sound like a hag this morning. I actually had a big awakening a couple of months ago regarding financial support so it is still kind of a sore spot for me. I'm having to be very tough on myself and maybe that makes me tough on other people.
My ex owns a painting business and has been whining for months that the economy is too bad and he has no work. He is living with his parents so I haven't been paying his living expenses but he also hasn't been paying child support (so same difference, I guess). For the past few months, I've been "loaning" him money to pay his cell phone bill. I had told myself that because he has our kids for weekly visitation, he needed to have a phone so I could contact him. However, by piecing some things together over a period of weeks, I realized a couple of key things: 1. He was actually blowing off phone calls and potential work. I guess the jobs were "too small to take on". WTF???? 2. He was also carrying on some weird phone relationship with a woman (who is on another carrier) which blew his minute and text limits out of the water. So, in essence, I was paying his cell phone bill so he could NOT return phone calls for bids and so he could have phone sex. Lovely.
That is when I decided that, although I had told him I would keep his cell phone on "for the boys", I was no longer going to honor that deal. Instead, I spent less money to put our oldest son on my plan and get HIM a phone. He's more reliable.
Anyway...that's where the first part of my post came from. I took a HARD look at myself, sliced through my own pitiful excuses and did the right thing...the right thing for ME.
Glad you are here! Keep reading. Keep posting. The people on this forum have invaluable experience, stories of hope and unending support.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
This is why this Site is so great! Two opposing views, with valid arguments behind them.
Yes, it is enabling and COULD prevent recovery.
Yes, it is helpful in a tough economy and COULD help a precarious recovery.
In the end, you have to decide what is good for you and helps you to sleep nights.
If I could afford it, and if I knew I could say: "take this opportunity of support and make the most of it, because after 3 months you are then on your own" I would go that route. But I would have to be clear in my head that it was a defined, one-time offer that would end and I would have to let go of any expectation of success. I would have to guard against checking progress or other codie behaviour. In all truth, I would be doing this more for me in the long run, so I could say "I did all I could" and believe it.
If I could not well afford it, or even if I severely doubted it would be used appropriately to get his feet on the ground, I would probably say: starting January 1, you are on your own. I would remind myself, his recovery is his recovery and I don't need to fix the world.
Either way, you have to "take what works and leave the rest" and feel comfortable with it both in life and here on SR.
Yes, it is enabling and COULD prevent recovery.
Yes, it is helpful in a tough economy and COULD help a precarious recovery.
In the end, you have to decide what is good for you and helps you to sleep nights.
If I could afford it, and if I knew I could say: "take this opportunity of support and make the most of it, because after 3 months you are then on your own" I would go that route. But I would have to be clear in my head that it was a defined, one-time offer that would end and I would have to let go of any expectation of success. I would have to guard against checking progress or other codie behaviour. In all truth, I would be doing this more for me in the long run, so I could say "I did all I could" and believe it.
If I could not well afford it, or even if I severely doubted it would be used appropriately to get his feet on the ground, I would probably say: starting January 1, you are on your own. I would remind myself, his recovery is his recovery and I don't need to fix the world.
Either way, you have to "take what works and leave the rest" and feel comfortable with it both in life and here on SR.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
You divorced him because of his alcoholism, yet you are financially supporting him????
Look at your post, reading it as if someone else had written it and see what you would tell the person.
You are ENABLING him to continue his alcoholism with fairly few consequences for him to yet feel. You have already given him $2000.00. He will continue to 'manipulate' you with 'sob stories' and will literally 'suck' you dry, and all the time he will NOT be looking for a job, but will definitely continue to drink.
Say NO. No explanation is needed. NO is a complete sentence. If you have to give a reason because you cannot just say NO. Then simply repeat like a broken record:
I CAN'T AFFORD IT. I CAN'T AFFORD IT. I CAN'T AFFORD IT.
Watch how quick, one of those 'lowly jobs will take on 'new meaning' for him, or he will see the inside of some of the homeless shelters and/or Salvation Army. Oh and btw, Salvation Army has a really successful 'program/rehab/ for those that do want recovery, and it's FREE, with room and board.
It is not in the divorced wife's JOB DESCRIPTION to financially continue to support a practicing alcoholic husband.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Look at your post, reading it as if someone else had written it and see what you would tell the person.
You are ENABLING him to continue his alcoholism with fairly few consequences for him to yet feel. You have already given him $2000.00. He will continue to 'manipulate' you with 'sob stories' and will literally 'suck' you dry, and all the time he will NOT be looking for a job, but will definitely continue to drink.
Say NO. No explanation is needed. NO is a complete sentence. If you have to give a reason because you cannot just say NO. Then simply repeat like a broken record:
I CAN'T AFFORD IT. I CAN'T AFFORD IT. I CAN'T AFFORD IT.
Watch how quick, one of those 'lowly jobs will take on 'new meaning' for him, or he will see the inside of some of the homeless shelters and/or Salvation Army. Oh and btw, Salvation Army has a really successful 'program/rehab/ for those that do want recovery, and it's FREE, with room and board.
It is not in the divorced wife's JOB DESCRIPTION to financially continue to support a practicing alcoholic husband.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
I wish I had a choice but in our divorce I have to pay my ex $1200 a month for the next 14 months, ugh. I don't know about your ex but mine never worked regularly for our entire marriage and here I am paying him!
Whichever way you go all the best to you and I'm so glad you finally posted.
Whichever way you go all the best to you and I'm so glad you finally posted.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Here, practice saying this with us: "XAH, I will no longer be supporting you financially."
Say it a million times until it comes out naturally. Expect him to bluster and whine and threaten, but you can easily shut him down by NOT answering any and all communication he sends your way that doesn't pertain to visitation.
Let go of your guilt and give him the RESPECT of figuring out his situation on his own. You have done enough.
Say it a million times until it comes out naturally. Expect him to bluster and whine and threaten, but you can easily shut him down by NOT answering any and all communication he sends your way that doesn't pertain to visitation.
Let go of your guilt and give him the RESPECT of figuring out his situation on his own. You have done enough.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Actually he can find work. He finds it on his own, you find it for him, whatever. He just doesn't take the jobs because he doesn't want to work...and he doesn't have too.
He can decide if he'd rather work and live in an apartment or not work and live in a shelter or on the streets or find some other way. That is the same decision that every other adult on the planet gets to make. Either way - it is his decision and responsibility. He isn't 10yo.
If you want to pay three more months for your peace of mind, fine. If you want to change your mind and just pay enough for rent for 3mos and leave him to figure out the rest, fine. If you want to say you are 100% done on December 31st, fine. It makes no difference what option you choose he is going to lay on the manipulation, guilt and pity party very very thick when the money train runs out. Working you out of your cash *is* his job and he's been making pretty good money.
I know it is hard but there is no end until you have had enough. You really are not helping him, you are financing alcoholism. He will have no forward movement ever if you continue to make it finanicially possible to do nothing but stay home and drink. Try and flip it around and find acceptance of his decisions in order to make some kind of peace with yourself. Then you can let go of his outcomes.
He can decide if he'd rather work and live in an apartment or not work and live in a shelter or on the streets or find some other way. That is the same decision that every other adult on the planet gets to make. Either way - it is his decision and responsibility. He isn't 10yo.
If you want to pay three more months for your peace of mind, fine. If you want to change your mind and just pay enough for rent for 3mos and leave him to figure out the rest, fine. If you want to say you are 100% done on December 31st, fine. It makes no difference what option you choose he is going to lay on the manipulation, guilt and pity party very very thick when the money train runs out. Working you out of your cash *is* his job and he's been making pretty good money.
I know it is hard but there is no end until you have had enough. You really are not helping him, you are financing alcoholism. He will have no forward movement ever if you continue to make it finanicially possible to do nothing but stay home and drink. Try and flip it around and find acceptance of his decisions in order to make some kind of peace with yourself. Then you can let go of his outcomes.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Like me, you know what you need to do. It's just a matter of getting up the gumption.
1. NO. Repeat it in the mirror. I'm serious! Don't even pay for the three months he whined out of you. "No, I won't be supporting you. No, I've decided I won't be supporting you at all, starting today." No, no, no, no, no. "No" is a complete sentence. NO. Write a letter to follow up. NO. Then refuse contact for thirty days. He can send a postcard to your child if he wants to stay in touch.
2. Do you have enough money in trust funds for your child to attend her dream university? Is your house paid for? Pension funds full to bursting? If not then NO, you do not have enough money to spare to gift to another random adult. You're borrowing from your child's future to feed XAH's addiction.
3. When I read about situations like this, I wonder how A's manage it. There have been times when I've been un- or under-employed, or struggling to find a more fulfilling job. I ate ramen and walked everywhere. It never occured to me to whine some money out of my ex's.
4. He might find a job on his own, he might find someone else to extort, he might die. It has nothing to do with you.
1. NO. Repeat it in the mirror. I'm serious! Don't even pay for the three months he whined out of you. "No, I won't be supporting you. No, I've decided I won't be supporting you at all, starting today." No, no, no, no, no. "No" is a complete sentence. NO. Write a letter to follow up. NO. Then refuse contact for thirty days. He can send a postcard to your child if he wants to stay in touch.
2. Do you have enough money in trust funds for your child to attend her dream university? Is your house paid for? Pension funds full to bursting? If not then NO, you do not have enough money to spare to gift to another random adult. You're borrowing from your child's future to feed XAH's addiction.
3. When I read about situations like this, I wonder how A's manage it. There have been times when I've been un- or under-employed, or struggling to find a more fulfilling job. I ate ramen and walked everywhere. It never occured to me to whine some money out of my ex's.
4. He might find a job on his own, he might find someone else to extort, he might die. It has nothing to do with you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Las Vegas NV
Posts: 22
i agree that once divorced i would definitely live free of any financial agreements with him. However, the one thing that has helped me is to ask myself, "how does providing for him make ME feel?" does it cause feelings of resentment ?? if he doesnt get a job in 3 months, are you going to feel like you wasted ur $$$ ?? if the answer to that is yes, then don't even bother. If it makes you feel warm and serene inside to provide the 3 months for him, or even longer, then do what makes you feel good.
i know personally, the more i give to my AH the more i resented him, the less i respected him, and the angrier i became towards him, his disease, and the entire situation. When I stopped providing for him, I was actually able to detach better and control my feelings of rage and anxiety. I actually started feeling more empathetic to his disease, but not used or abused... b/c his habits were no longer affecting my wallet.
Do what makes you FEEL good inside, no matter what the outcome.
i know personally, the more i give to my AH the more i resented him, the less i respected him, and the angrier i became towards him, his disease, and the entire situation. When I stopped providing for him, I was actually able to detach better and control my feelings of rage and anxiety. I actually started feeling more empathetic to his disease, but not used or abused... b/c his habits were no longer affecting my wallet.
Do what makes you FEEL good inside, no matter what the outcome.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
$1,400 a month... I have to say, that even here in AK, it'd pay for a pretty sweet, toasty little apartment, food from the organic grocer, and cable and internet with most of the bells and whistles. Ohhh, wait... *lightbulb* I know a (fairly) sweet person by the name of TheUncertainty and her DS who would greatly appreciate the help, if, you know, you'd like to just give it away. *smiles sweetly* Please? *tilts head to the side and gives anime eyes* I will even promise (truthfully) to not spend it on alcohol.
I'm being facetious here (unless.... No. never mind - facetious). I know he's not a complete stranger like I am, but he is an ex-husband where the EX has been part of the title for 3 years. Your obligation to help pay for his living expenses ended when the divorce finalized - unless the judge ordered spousal support. But that doesn't sound like the case here.
The job thing is actually an item continuous disbelief for me with my XAH. He goes through jobs like they grow on trees. People keep on hiring him. He keeps walking off the jobs in a huff, leaving the employers in the lurch. On to the next one, then the next one... HOW does he get them???? Don't people check with past employers? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't list the jobs where he showed up drunk, but even the ones where he didn't, he's NEVER given notice - it's just 'they p-ssed me off, I'm gone.' And XAH po'd is a scary thing...
Any way... the jobs are there, he could if he wanted to, he just doesn't.
As other F&F mention, I agree: If you can, and you feel comfortable with it, if it doesn't leave you stretched thin. Go for it. Just know, that it probably doesn't really help him, but his alcoholism.
However it sounds like it'd make things a little tighter for you and DD, and from the title of your thread, it doesn't really sound like you want to.
It's sometimes hard to say, but No is a complete sentence. You wouldn't even have to explain why. Just "No." Or "No, I can't do that." Easy for me to say, cause he's not my XAH, and I don't have the extra. But, it's possible. ?
I'm being facetious here (unless.... No. never mind - facetious). I know he's not a complete stranger like I am, but he is an ex-husband where the EX has been part of the title for 3 years. Your obligation to help pay for his living expenses ended when the divorce finalized - unless the judge ordered spousal support. But that doesn't sound like the case here.
The job thing is actually an item continuous disbelief for me with my XAH. He goes through jobs like they grow on trees. People keep on hiring him. He keeps walking off the jobs in a huff, leaving the employers in the lurch. On to the next one, then the next one... HOW does he get them???? Don't people check with past employers? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't list the jobs where he showed up drunk, but even the ones where he didn't, he's NEVER given notice - it's just 'they p-ssed me off, I'm gone.' And XAH po'd is a scary thing...
Any way... the jobs are there, he could if he wanted to, he just doesn't.
As other F&F mention, I agree: If you can, and you feel comfortable with it, if it doesn't leave you stretched thin. Go for it. Just know, that it probably doesn't really help him, but his alcoholism.
However it sounds like it'd make things a little tighter for you and DD, and from the title of your thread, it doesn't really sound like you want to.
It's sometimes hard to say, but No is a complete sentence. You wouldn't even have to explain why. Just "No." Or "No, I can't do that." Easy for me to say, cause he's not my XAH, and I don't have the extra. But, it's possible. ?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Oh! and another consideration that I personally would ponder. You have a daughter together. If he's not working, and he's asking to bum money from you, I'd doubt he's paying any support towards her expenses - school, daycare, clothing, food, gear, medical... Not much on that list is cheap.
He, as a parent, ought to be helping out. Even if you don't need it, it could be put away for her college. If you give him money, even if for just a few months, not only would you not be getting support from him, but would be giving him more of your hard earned income that could be going towards her current or future needs.
He, as a parent, ought to be helping out. Even if you don't need it, it could be put away for her college. If you give him money, even if for just a few months, not only would you not be getting support from him, but would be giving him more of your hard earned income that could be going towards her current or future needs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
The REASON for divorce is so that you are no longer financially supporting or responsible for the other person. You're still "married" to this guy.
Whether it helps or hurts his recovery that you support him is beside the point. He's not your responsibility. Drop it. Move on.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
I'm divorced and I pay my XAH every month... it's called alimony. It's also part of our divorce settlement.
I am past the guilt now, and only have 3 more years of payments.
If you don't have to pay it, don't let him guilt-trip you into it.
Agree with the others... doesn't sound like you're getting any child support out of this deal either...
take what you like, and leave the rest,
D
I am past the guilt now, and only have 3 more years of payments.
If you don't have to pay it, don't let him guilt-trip you into it.
Agree with the others... doesn't sound like you're getting any child support out of this deal either...
take what you like, and leave the rest,
D
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